ERStand
by Rap541
Summary: I'm not that creative with titles. Like Stephen King? Like ER? you might like this
1. Chapter 1

" Stand/ER Crossover "  
  
It seemed to be busier than normal. That was the first thing Doug noticed. The second was that everyone who was waiting seemed to be suffering from coughs and sniffles. Wonderful, he thought darkly, I'm doing a ten hour shift on my day off and evidently flu season is starting early. That didn't really surprise him as it had seemed as though business had been picking up over the last few days but it had to have gotten worse for him to get a call to come in. He sidled up to the main counter, noting uneasily that most of the patients on the board also seemed to be in with respiratory issues. Summer flu was the worst. Well, he decided after a moment, I actually think summer diarrhea would be worse but this still sucks.  
  
He eyed the main board again. Not only did there seem to be a ton of patients, there also seemed to be next to no doctors working. Even better, he thought, no wonder Weaver called me. He'd been surprised that she'd called him, but a look at the board told him that he'd probably been her last resort. He spotted Carter. " Hey Carter, who exactly is working today?"  
  
The young resident smiled, but it was easy to see that he was tired. " There's been a lot of people calling in. Some sort of flu. Dr. Weaver is trying to get in touch with the CDC but they're giving her the run around. " Carter gestured to the board. " I know its your day off, but its crazy here. We're shorthanded, everyone that did show up is either sick or exhausted and the patients are coming in droves. We've got a ton of pedes cases but judging by everyone in chairs, you might want to check the parents, too."  
  
" Why is Kerry calling the CDC?" Doug asked. He let a touch of irritation creep into his voice. " I saw something about this on the news. There's a big type A outbreak down south. We're probably just catching the next wave."  
  
Carter looked around nervously. He gestured for Doug to come closer. In a whisper he said, " There's been over sixteen deaths in the last eight hours just here in the ER. It's just as bad upstairs according to Benton. They're spending more time on codes than on surgery *and* the staff is getting sick and we've all been immunized against type A and B. Mercy and Hope are in the same shape and Mount Sinai closed to trauma because their staff just didn't come in."  
  
" From the flu? " Doug's sense of unease suddenly rose.  
  
The younger man nodded. " We're not even counting the ones that we thought were pneumonia related or post operative infection. Dr. Weaver and I have been here for the last twenty four hours and we haven't had one case that wasn't showing signs of upper respiratory infection." He gestured to the waiting patients that were coughing and grumbling. There were several security guards, also sniffling and coughing. " We had a near riot a few hours ago over the wait. It's lucky none of them feel well enough to get too violent."  
  
Doug shook his head. He'd had the day before off too. There had been a few more than average flu cases but nothing like what Carter was describing. " Well, I guess I better get started. Are we prescribing anything other than fluids and bed rest?"  
  
Carter shook his head. " Tylonel for the fever. The hospital is just about out of beds so only admit critical cases." He seemed to think for a moment. It was a tough call, Doug thought, since the younger man also looked about ready to drop from exhaustion. He put a hand to his head and gripped the desk. " Listen, I haven't had any sleep in over a day. I'm going to go into the lounge and sleep for an hour or else I'm going to drop."  
  
" Sure thing Carter." Doug could see the logic in that and he decided that if he had his way, he'd let Carter sleep for more than an hour. Carter looked dead on his feet. " What do we have in the way of nursing staff?" He saw a few temps wandering about but only Yosh Takata from the regular staff.  
  
" Haleh called in sick, same with Chuni. " Carter took a deep breath. " Carol came in. She's around here somewhere."  
  
" I see her. Go get some sleep." Doug gently pushed him towards the lounge. Carter was not going to be good for anything until he got some sleep. He grabbed a chart and walked over to Carol. She had just left exam room three and she looked a little more upset than usual.  
  
" Doug, hey." Carol looked as tired as Carter. She coughed into her hand. " You would not believe how busy its been. I've been here for seven hours and the patient load just keeps rising. It's getting scary. There's two women in exam three that just died, Doug. Of the flu...."  
  
" Died? Older women?" Doug felt another twinge of fear. Influenza, real influenza and not stomach viruses or colds, could kill but it was usually dangerous only to children and the elderly. Carol, unlike Kerry and to a certain extent Carter, was not one to panic and yet he could see real fear in her eyes. He peeked into the room. There were seven patients in there, some lying on portable gurneys. Five were coughing. Two were lying very still and he could see that, when alive, they had been young women, in the prime of life. " The flu isn't supposed to kill people. Did Mark come in?" Mark was always the rational one. He'd have some idea of what exactly was happening.  
  
Carol shook her head. " He came but left. Rachel was running a fever. Listen, I've got to get those patients reported and moved. Then, I'll give you a hand, ok?"  
  
He nodded. They couldn't just let patients lie in the same room with bodies. It just didn't look right for starters.  
  
It was twenty six hours of non stop work before he even got a chance to go looking for anyone. The situation was getting progressively worse. He had seen almost one hundred patients in that time and almost half of them had died. The other half had left but he didn't hold out much hope for any of them. Even Carol had been looking a bit peeked the last time he'd seen her, which had been almost three hours earlier. " This is insane," he muttered as he walked by several patients that were coughing, sneezing and otherwise looking like death warmed over as they sat in wheelchairs. He spotted Carter leaning against the soda machine in chairs, banging on it in frustration. Carter also looked like death warmed over but more to the point, he looked a bit shell shocked. " Carter, have you gotten any sleep?"  
  
Carter continued to bang on the soda machine. " I just want a soda dammit! " He was, Doug realized with dawning horror, in utter hysterics. From exhaustion and stress, which was actually a plus since all he truly needed was some sleep. Doug had seen Peter Benton a few hours earlier coughing and hacking. It was not fun to see Carter going nuts but at least some rest would cure him.  
  
" Carter, I'll get you a soda, don't worry." He put a few more quarters in the machine and in seconds was pressing a cold can of soda into Carter's hands. He steered the young man over to one of the few empty wheelchairs and opened the soda for him. " Carter... John... You need to get some rest. I know we're busy but you can't keep working like this... We all need to keep going and you aren't going to be able to help anyone through this if you don't rest. Why don't I get you over to the lounge and you can get a few more hours of sleep."  
  
Carter sipped the soda. His hands shook. " Peter's dead, he died of the flu.... I saw him a few hours ago and now he's dead...." He started to sob. He was shaking uncontrollably from the force of it.  
  
Doug was stunned. Peter had just been coughing. Carol had looked worse and she was still on her feet. Still, it wasn't helping Carter at all. He turned the chair around and almost ran right into Kerry. She looked even more tired than Carter, though it was a tough call. Her eyes were rimmed by black circles and her pale skin looked almost translucent.  
  
" Doug, we're having a staff meeting in five minutes. Gather up everyone you see working. We're meeting in the lounge." She finally seemed to notice Carter's sobbing fit. " Is he sick? Or just exhausted?"  
  
" He's been up for days, Kerry. I think he's having an emotional breakdown. You know, over Peter dying and maybe the fact that this place is starting to resemble a damn morgue." Doug didn't give her the full brunt of his temper simply because he was too tired to really react. " When did Benton die?"  
  
Kerry looked at Carter and then back at Doug. " He died about an hour ago. His lungs filled with fluid...." She ran a hand through her hair, and for an instant Doug could see sheer fright on her face. It was gone in an instant. " It seemed like he was getting better, but then he crashed. " She glanced down at Carter. " Get him some Haldol and bring him to the lounge, ok? Five minutes...." She limped away, her gait decidedly more lopsided. Doug choked back his anger at the sight of that. She had been working the same amount of time that Carter had, and certainly hadn't been taking breaks. Stress and exhaustion had been plain on her face, and there had been that flash of fear he'd seen. Not a good sign, he mused. He glanced down at Carter who was still shaking and sobbing. " Hey Carter, how about we get you some Haldol? Does that sound good?"  
  
The lounge wasn't crowded, but the atmosphere felt thick and oppressive. Almost everyone was coughing. Doug could see beads of sweat dotting the brows or more than a few coworkers, Carol included. She smiled wanly as he pushed Carter in and placed the unconscious young man in the corner. " What's with him? Is he sick?" Her voice was hoarse and she coughed harshly.  
  
Doug tried not to look as worried as he felt. Carol was sick. She needed to be in bed, not running around an overloaded ER filled with sick, dying people. " Young Dr. Carter, " and he tried to laugh but it sounded forced, " is resting after a small round of sedation."  
  
Carol looked at Carter, her expression softening. " I'm glad he's not sick. I feel like crap. Did someone tell him about Peter?"  
  
" It wasn't me, but yes, he knows." She was really sick, Doug realized. He steered her over to the couch. " Listen, once this little meeting is over, why don't we head out? Go to your place?" He wanted her to lie down at least.  
  
She looked at him oddly. " Doug, we can't leave. People are sick. They're dying. We have to help them. Besides, haven't you seen the news? "  
  
" News?"  
  
" Doug, there's a massive riot on the west side. I don't think we could get through to my place." Carol coughed again.  
  
" Carol, you need to get some rest." He didn't want to force her to leave, but she wasn't looking good. She was looking damn sick to tell the truth. He could see the dark triangular smudges that were the most noticeable symptom of what the media had jokingly called "Captain Trips" and "superflu". Though on the surface, he kept calm, inside his mind started to race with images of all the possibilities. He hadn't seen one patient that had gotten better. Some of them seemed to get better, but he'd seen that in a number of patients. There was a brief period where the patient responded to whatever treatment was offered, but it always seemed to end in a downward spiral into death. His fear raced into overdrive. I've got to get her out of here, he thought as he took a seat beside her. I don't care what this meeting is about. We're leaving as soon as we can sneak out the door.  
  
He kept his thoughts to himself as Weaver limped into the room. She took in the small assembly in a glance and looked down at her clipboard as she trudged over to a place by the window. The sun was just starting to set and the waning light made the dark circles under her eyes look even blacker. Her labcoat had a splash of fresh blood on it that hadn't been there before, and like everyone else, her scrubs looked wrinkled and worn. She leaned heavily on her crutch and Doug could see her knuckles turning white.   
  
" Listen up," she said with just a touch of her usual stridency. " There's a battalion of Michigan National Guardsmen enroute to this hospital. They're coming to assist with security and... and with corpse disposal. They should be here in about an hour according to the captain I spoke with." She hesitated, and looked at the group. " Martial law has been declared in the city of Chicago. Medical personnel are to consider themselves called up for active duty." There was muttered grumbling at that, which she waived aside. " Let me finish. They plan on checking personnel files to get the staff in, but our records have mysteriously found their way into the incinerator. If anyone wants to leave, check on family, go home... Now's the time. I won't say that we don't need you to stay, but considering... considering the situation, I can't ask you to stay. No one will think any less of you if you decide to leave and it certainly won't be held against you when the situation normalizes. Just tell me when you leave so I can keep track of the workload." She paused again. " And make your decision soon. There's been some news reports from Los Angeles and the south.... If you're here when this battalion arrives, you may not be allowed to leave."  
  
Again there was some muttering. He gave Kerry credit. It was easier to simply let people leave and her guilt trip guaranteed that there'd be some staff left till the bitter end. Not Carol though. He fully planned on dragging her out as soon as the meeting ended. Kerry's little speech had just cleared his conscience on that point.  
  
Weaver tapped her clipboard. " The morgue is full. We're also out of death kits. I've been assured that the National Guard will be assisting with disposal. Primarily that will be burial at sea in Lake Michigan. We're out of body bags. Ms. Knight went to the grocery store down the street and bought out the industrial trash bag supply so we'll be using those for the deceased. If you have a patient die, don't keep them here. Get them out to the ambulance bay. The army will move them to the designated burial sites. Lucy, I want you to take the temp nurses, and Randi and go through the patients that are waiting. Check for pulses. If they're dead, find some id and fill out a tag. Then get the body bagged and out into the ambulance bay. Carol, Jerry's already gone home. I want you to watch the main desk. Everyone else, keep seeing patients. Any questions?"  
  
Lucy raised her hand slowly. She looked tired, Doug could see that plainly, but she didn't seem to be actively sick. " Dr. Weaver, if we stack the bodies in the ambulance bay, well... what about the ambulances?"  
  
" Most of the ambulances aren't responding due to the riots. I understand that a number of rigs have been abandoned." Kerry shrugged. " I wouldn't worry about it."  
  
" And what's the army going to move the bodies with?" That was from Jeanie.   
  
For a second, Doug thought he saw Weaver cringe. " I understand... that they'll be using garbage trucks." Her voice cracked. " Any other questions?" She waited for a moment. " Then let's get back to work. "   
  
Carol shook off his arm and followed the others as they trailed out. He didn't mind. It seemed more than a little tacky to head right for the exit even with tacit approval. He suspected that there would be a number of people leaving as soon as they worked up the courage to abandon their jobs. He didn't think it would take much. He personally did not relish the idea of watching garbage trucks get loaded with corpses.  
  
As he started to follow the crowd, he caught Kerry's eye. " Doug, " she said softly, " Would you wait a moment? I want to talk to you."  
  
Oh joy, he thought. It was going to be a plea for him to stay, he knew it. The answer was no, no matter what she said. He was taking Carol with him. He steeled himself for the upcoming row.  
  
She waited until everyone had filed out to slowly lower herself into one of the wooden chairs. She leaned back and carefully set her crutch aside. " How much Haldol did you give Carter?" Her words were strained by exhaustion.  
  
" About 10mgs. He'll sleep for a few hours. You might want to consider getting some sleep yourself. You won't be any good to anyone if you don't rest." He surprised himself by saying that, but it was true. She was tough, he'd always given her credit for that, but no one could work nonstop the way she'd been doing.  
  
" I'll be fine." She leaned over the table. He could see that she was almost trembling from anxiety. She took a deep breath." I need a favor. Mark called about an hour ago. Rachel is... Rachel is pretty sick. I told him I'd send someone over with some supplies. I think you should go check on him. Take Carol with you. "   
  
It was probably the last thing he expected. A plea to stay, a riot act recitation of duty and responsibility, a tirade of anger perhaps. Not a soft, hesitant request for a favor that she knew he'd do. " I will, " he said after a moment, " but I won't come back. Not unless the situation normalizes."  
  
She chuckled. For a moment, her facade of control collapsed. She slumped in the chair. Doug could see the defeat and horror in her face. Unbidden, his thoughts turned to Carol, and her cough and the sudden awareness that *no one* was getting better. Kerry looked up at him, her eyes filled with despair. " Doug, the situation isn't going to normalize." Her hands started to shake. " When I lived in Africa.... I saw an ebola outbreak. I thought... I thought I'd never see anything that awful again. I had nightmares about it." She took a deep shuddering breath. " This is worse...."  
  
He felt his own hands start to shake and forced the rising panic in his heart down. Kerry was admitting defeat in the face of the epidemic and that scared him. Somehow that scared him far more than the notion of Lucy Knight stuffing a corpse into a Hefty sack and putting it out on the curb for pick up. " The news said there was a vaccine... It's just the flu. People don't die of the flu, Kerry..." Even to himself, he sounded a little hysterical.  
  
" Don't you get it, Doug?" Kerry's voice took on a trace of its normal stridency. " This *used* to be the flu. Some idiot immunologist read about the 1918 epidemic and decided to see if he could go one better. It's as if someone took all the properties of flu that kill, enhanced them and then crossed it with AIDS. Then it got out of their damn plague jar and we're all going to die!" Her face was red from shouting but after a moment, the color seemed to drain out of her face. " I'm sorry... You'll check on Mark?"  
  
He nodded. " Why don't you come with me? If all of this is pointless... Why do you even care what I do? You knew I'd check on Mark and you know I was going to leave."  
  
She sighed heavily. " I'm beginning to think there might be some immune people out there. You're not sick, I'm not... Carter..." She clenched her hands into fists subconsciously. " My dad called about a week ago. He and my mother were both sick... with the flu. They wanted me to drive up for a few days but I was busy, and its a five hour drive and it was pretty busy here..." She slowly rose out of the chair. " They aren't answering their phone. Neither are their neighbors. " She looked at him, her eyes seeming to bore holes into him. " Get Carol out of here. Tell her whatever it is that you haven't been able to bring yourself to say, because you might not get another chance. You don't want to be regretting something for the rest of your life...Just get out of here."  
  
He started towards the door but turned back. " Why are you staying?"  
  
She shrugged. " Someone, " she said as she limped forward, " has to keep things going. Someone has to be here... to see things through. To take care of things."   
  
" And after that?"  
  
" You can look me up. I'll be here until there's no one who needs a doctor. " She gestured to Carter's sleeping form, smiling slightly. " He'll be here too."  
  
" All right..." Part of him felt guilty but that was overridden by his overwhelming fear. Still, she was letting him off the hook by telling him to go. He owed her something. " I'll be back... when things are settled." As he said it, he knew it was a promise he would keep.  
  
?? 


	2. Chapter 2

" ER/The Stand Part 2"  
  
The army officer glared at her. Kerry found herself suddenly wondering just what the man had been saying. She had started to tune the rather abrasive fellow out a few minutes into his tirade about how the staff was slowly but surely either dying or running off. She shifted position, leaning hard on her crutch. It was always worse when she was tired and she was exhausted to the point that she couldn't quite distinguish between the pain in her leg and the thumping migraine in her head. " What did you say?"  
  
" I said, " the captain snarled, " that my people are your number one priority. We're protecting this place from all the damn rioting scum. If you think you'd last a minute without us...." He leaned over her, obviously trying to intimidate her. She wasn't a fool. In any other situation, a hulking muscular man with scotch on his breath stepping into her personal space and raising his voice would have put fear in her heart. Captain Harold Walker was sniffling though, and it did not take a brilliant doctor to diagnose that symptom. You're doomed, she thought as she looked him in the eye, you may not realize it yet but you are as dead as the civilians you've been shooting out in the streets. She didn't feel sympathetic in the slightest. The man was a brute and a beast. He had set up a perimeter around the hospital and had given orders to shoot looters and rioters. The definition of "looters and rioters" had evidently been expanded to include "anyone we feel like shooting". The killing had escalated as the panic in the city had increased. It had slowed down again as the captain's men had taken ill. Almost a third of the patients in the ER were soldiers and they were dying just as fast as everyone else. Some even quicker as they accidently shot each other. Finally, she decided to respond to the captain.  
  
" Your men are welcome to come here for medical care." She kept her voice curt and harsh. The second she showed any trace of fear, he'd jump on it and there were people in the ER that needed the protection she was giving by acting as a buffer between them and the captain. Besides, she wasn't terribly concerned about living or dying. After all was said and done, she doubted there would be very much to look forward too. She pushed him back. " Just understand, we work *in* the hospital. They need to come in here for treatment. None of my people are risking their lives with half of your men shooting anything that moves." She supposed they were her people anyway. Don Anspagh was dead, as was most of the surgical staff. Elizabeth Corday was dead, and she had been shot by one of the soldiers. Whether it was an accident or on purpose, no one knew. Kerry was simply thankful that Elizabeth had died instantly and had been spared the ravages of the disease that was killing everyone else. Elizabeth had been sick, which was why she volunteered to run out to the perimeter when there was so much gunfire. Elizabeth had also admitted to her that she knew the odds of anyone with the flu surviving.  
  
Walker pushed her back into the admit desk. " I say who goes where, got it?"  
  
Despite her exhaustion, she felt her temper flare. " No, I say where the doctors and nurses go. In case you hadn't noticed, there's not too many of us left and since I don't see your supply sergeant going to medical school, I say where we go. Got it?" She glared at him, sensing that he wasn't yet to the point where he would shoot a crippled woman in the head over a disagreement. Not yet, anyway.  
  
" Don't screw with me, bitch!" He smacked her open hand across the face, hard. Hard enough to send her flying into the wall, but he stalked away. It was a victory, if a pyrrhic one, she thought as she slowly pulled herself up. For a little bit, at least, he would leave the hospital alone. If the disease progressed as quickly as it had in all of the other patients, she didn't think she'd have to face the bastard alive again. At least I have something to look forward to, she thought as she limped off to the bathroom.  
  
The bathroom was one of the few rooms that didn't have patients littered on gurneys or on the floor. There was a nurse propped into the corner, rasping weakly. It was one of the maternity nurses. Kerry didn't remember her name. She bent over the nurse, placing her hand on the young woman fevered brow. She was going to die, Kerry thought, and there's absolutely nothing I can do except watch. She forced that thought away. Part of being a doctor was seeing people die and even then there was still a role to play. " Hey, " she said softly, " how are you feeling? Do you want anything? Some water, an ice pack maybe?"  
  
The woman shook her head, but reached up and gripped Kerry's hand. She rasped out one last breath and then she was still. At least, Kerry thought, she didn't die all alone. That had to be the worst possible way to go. She carefully set the woman's hand down and stepped away. For one frightening moment she blanked out completely. Finally she came back to awareness, feeling more than a little lightheaded. Why did I come in here, she asked herself. To wash my hands and calm down. She limped over to the row of sinks, noting with concern that the lights were flickering again. When it finally stopped, it seemed dimmer. Another transformer must have gone, she thought as she turned the water on. The water felt cold and brisk and she rolled up her labcoat sleeves and let the water run all over her hands and forearms. It was hot and humid and the air conditioning had ground to a halt two days earlier. She splashed some water on her face, noting that she was going to bruise from the captain's blow. Then she ran her hands through her hair and looked in the mirror.  
  
I look awful, she thought. I feel awful. Her head hurt, it felt as though someone was turning screws behind her eyes. There was a dull, grinding ache in her hip that was shot red hot stripes of pain up her spine every few minutes. Her stomach growled but she knew without even considering it that food was just going to make her throw up. She leaned over the sink and closed her eyes. Just doing that seemed make her feel ten times better. I'm just tired and run down, she thought as she gripped the sink, her eyes still closed.  
  
" Dr. Weaver!" She jumped at the sound of her own name being shouted and pried her eyes open. It was Lucy Knight that had shouted, and the young woman looked half out of her mind from worry. " Dr. Weaver, are you ok? I thought... Didn't you hear me calling you?"  
  
It was simply easier to lie. " Yes... I just... I'm a little tired. What do you need?"  
  
Lucy shook her head. " Everything's pretty steady. I saw Captain Walker hit you...." Her brow screw up with worry lines. If the situation hadn't been nightmarish beyond belief, Kerry would have found some amusement in the sight. Lucy always managed to look far too young to be so uptight. She seemed to come to some sort of decision. " Dr. Weaver, are you.... are you suicidal?"  
  
" What?" She turned, steadying herself as a flash of dizziness washed over her. " What on earth are you talking about?"  
  
Lucy stepped forward, her mouth forming a tight line. " I'm talking about how you just practically dared that crazy army captain to kill you. Do you want to die? Is that why you're refusing to sleep or eat? Are you planning to work yourself to death? That's what it looks like, and we're damn worried. I came in here to make sure you weren't slashing your wrists and I find you almost lying in the sink unconscious. I was shouting at you for five minutes. What are you going to do when we don't have anymore patients?"  
  
It was a good question. She hadn't really thought about what was going to happen once the patients stopped coming. Still, someone had to stay. At least until they were sure that no one else would be coming. People expected to find doctors in hospitals. Leaving would be an admission that the chaos had overtaken everything. Not giving in to it, maintaining control in the face of the horror, that held a certain dignity. She planned to stay until there were no more patients. She would finish the charts, clear the board, and close the doors. After that, her mind held a merciful blank. Finally, she said, " I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired..."  
  
" Then get some sleep. We can handle everything. Carter can cover the patient load." Lucy took a step closer, placing her hand on Kerry's arm. " You've been yelling at all of us to take breaks and eat. You need to take your own advice. Look, the lounge is free. You can lie down on the couch. I'll bring you some juice. I think we have some Oreos too. Come on.... You're starting to scare us, Dr. Weaver."  
  
Lucy's face had a smile and her tone was cajoling. She was using her best "shrink" tactics. It would have made Kerry angry if she had been able to think past her headache but it was pounding as if jack hammers were inside her skull. Black spots flitted across her bleary vision. Instinctively, she knew that, whether she went with Lucy or not, she was about to drop. If she didn't go, it'd only be a few minutes before she was lying on a gurney in one of the exam rooms with Carter or Lucy poking her. There was certainly no dignity in that. " Fine, " she said softly, " but only for a few hours."  
  
She was walking through the front door of the ER. It was brightly lit, she knew that, but somehow it felt as if there were shadows everywhere. It was eerily quiet, the sort of quiet that she occasionally longed for, but never really wanted to hear. It was the quiet of being alone. She didn't mind being alone, she had been alone many times in her life, but that didn't mean she had to like it. She had never felt alone in the ER. It was one of the reasons she liked her job so much. She wasn't popular, but she fit in. People noticed when she wasn't there. She was missed. Every time she was late, and Mark Greene called her with concern in his voice, it gave her a warm feeling. She liked belonging, and she belonged in the busy ER.  
  
She looked around. This place, it looked like her ER, but it felt different. It was too quiet and she was alone. Goosebumps rose on her arms as she looked behind the desk. It was as neat as a pin, with no coffee mugs or food lying around. It was exactly the way she wanted, but in a creepy way it disturbed her. Keeping things neat was almost a game they all played. She complained about how messy it was. Everyone complained about her, and then someone would clean up the worst of the mess. Then the game would start all over again. It was a never ending cycle. It was wrong for it to be so clean. It was strangely final.  
  
As she looked into each room, her unease grew. There was no one there, no one at all. No patients, no doctors, no nurses.... yet everything was exactly where she had tried to insist that it be.   
  
Something's wrong, she told herself as she started to trot down the hallway. Not the fact that she was trotting, that seemed perfectly natural. Trotting, even running from room to room seemed fine. It was the quiet that was making her heart pound, not the racing down the hallways frantically looking in each room for the people that should be there but weren't.   
  
She stopped in front of the door to Trauma One. There's someone in there, she thought, and she felt an icy stab of fear in her heart. She almost stepped away. No, she told herself, this is my ER. I'm in control here. She pushed the door open and stepped in.  
  
The room was cold. She could see her breath as she stepped forward towards the gurney that had a man lying on it. She thought it was a man anyway, judging by the boots he wore and his size. She reached out and touched the man's wrist. It was ice cold, so cold that it stung her fingers and she yanked her hand back.  
  
" So very dedicated..." The patient sat up. The hairs on the back of her neck rose, and she looked away. He spoke again. " It's not just any one that would check me for a pulse. Did you find one?"  
  
" No, " she said softly, still not looking directly at the man. " You're too cold...." She could feel her own face flush with heat. There was something wrong... every instinct she owned was screaming but she couldn't move. There was something darkly compelling about the man's voice.  
  
" Do you like this place? I made it for you. You could have all of this if you wanted. " He chuckled, sending chills down Kerry's spine. " We're not so different you know. We both like everything in its proper place."  
  
She took a deep breath. It felt as though she was strangling even though she could feel the air moving in and out of her lungs. " This... this isn't what I want... This place isn't for healing. It's a dead place..." In her heart, she knew it to be true. A hospital was for people, not things, and this bizarrely neat and empty place was not something she wanted.  
  
" No? Are you sure? Things could be very good for you. " He pointed into the corner. Her crutch was there, gleaming in the harsh light. " I know you hate it. I could see to it that you never need it again..."   
  
Oh that was tempting, she thought suddenly. Only in her dreams did she run the way she used to and only in her dreams was she free from pain. The problem, she realized, was that such a gift had strings attached. And in a moment of sparkling clarity she saw what the price would be. Her soul, her life, everything she held dear. It was too high a price, and despite the temptation, she knew on some deep level within herself that the man was lying. " No... I'd rather stay the way I am." Her voice shook.  
  
" You *do* want it, " he said simply. " You just don't understand what it means to say no. Let me illustrate, Dr. Weaver." He grabbed her arm, twisting her around to face him. She cried out, surprised at the strength of his touch. Now she could feel a pulse. The man's hand thrummed with beats of cold energy. She could feel the cold race through her, and then it exploded into excruciating pain. " Look at me, " he snarled.  
  
She looked. The man had no face. There were only glowing red eyes staring back at her.  
  
She jerked awake, her heart racing, and her hands clenching a small cushion that she had torn holes into. She looked at her hands, and wasn't surprised to see blood where her nails had gone through her skin. She took several deep shuddering breaths, slowly becoming aware that she was in the dimly lit lounge where Lucy had left her. Her crutch was lying right were she had left it, and she wiped her hands on the sofa and picked it up.  
  
" No." She said it out loud, drawing a measure of calm from the word. It had just been a dream. A disturbing dream, but just a sign of how out of control she felt and nothing more. I just need to keep busy, she decided as she pulled herself upright and walked out into the hallway. If I keep busy, everything will be fine and I won't have dreams like that.  
  
She limped over to the main desk. The entire place still sounded like a TB ward and there seemed to be more soldiers lying around. Randi was there at the desk, looking tired but still well. " Randi, what do we have?"  
  
Randi eyed her carefully. " Lucy said you were going to get some sleep, Dr. Weaver."  
  
" I've had enough sleep," she retorted. Randi recoiled a little, and she felt bad suddenly. Randi could have gone home days ago and no one would have cared. For whatever reason, she had stayed and Kerry felt a sudden awkward moment of kinship with that. " Randi, the world is collapsing around us. I think its ok if you use my first name."  
  
" We're at work and you're the doctor, Dr. Weaver." Randi said brightly. She handed Kerry a chart. " There's patients to see."  
  
Yes, Kerry thought tiredly, there certainly were still a lot of patients to see. " Thanks Randi." She slowly moved off towards the exam rooms, grateful for the small touch of normalcy. I think, she told herself, I'll just see more patients. It was better than sleeping.  
  
?? 


	3. Chapter 3

" ER/Stand Crossover "  
  
Jeanie Boulet generally didn't think of herself as a particularly lucky person in life but she did consider herself basically happy. She had a bad marriage and a deadly infectious disease. She tried not to let that get her down. It had been hard at first. Particularly considering the nature of her illness, she had a hard time keeping her smile in place on a day to day basis. She had come to a realization a year or so earlier though. Life is short, and in her case, probably shorter than average. If I'm not getting as much time as everyone else, she told herself, I might as well be happy.  
  
Still, as she looked down the hallway of the ER littered with dead patients, she found it rather difficult to look on the bright side, but she decided to try. On the one hand, the superflu epidemic was killing everyone. On the other hand, she felt fine. Now that's irony for you, she thought as she tidied up the chart area. The woman that's HIV positive survives while all the healthy people drop dead. It was almost laughable.  
  
Of course she wasn't the only one who was not catching the newest plague. Carter and Kerry weren't sick. Neither were Lucy or Randi. Everyone else though, they were either dead or dying. The patients had pretty much stopped coming and the remaining soldiers were all very sick. It would not be long before they had to make a decision on what to do, which was likely why both Carter and Lucy were deep in discussion. It looked like an argument. She walked over to them. " What's going on?"  
  
" We need to get out of here." Carter said easily. He was looking a little scruffy from not shaving, and there were dark circles under his eyes, but the truth was, he looked better than before. Doug Ross had sedated him and he'd slept for almost 24 hours. It had made a difference. He seemed back on track. If he didn't seem completely fine, Jeanie thought that was rather understandable. She didn't feel completely fine with the situation either. She wondered idly how Doug was doing. Probably not well, she thought with a sigh.  
  
Lucy nodded at that. She gestured to a row of soldiers lying on gurneys. " Some of them are still well enough to...you know...shoot. Captain Walker told the ones that are still ok to shoot *us* if we leave. " She shook her head. " That guy is psycho."  
  
That, Jeannie thought, was a pretty accurate assessment of the soon to be dead army captain. Unfortunately for everyone, the captain was having a slow progression of the disease. She didn't doubt that he could and would shoot all of them. Considering how few people were actually surviving the plague, the death of an immune person was a tragedy beyond repair. " There's food in the cafeteria, " she said quietly. " I think we should just wait this man out. You know he's going to die. He's been sick for three days...three days that we could see the symptoms. What's the longest anyone has lived with this? Seven, eight days? And he's not going to be physically capable of much soon. Let's just wait him out."  
  
Carter nodded. " We shouldn't be stupid though. Randi suggested, and I agree, that we should get some handguns from the soldiers. The dead soldiers, obviously. We need to protect ourselves. Randi is *discretely* checking the bodies for weapons."  
  
" That's a good idea." Jeanie agreed. " So what are you arguing about? "   
  
" I don't think giving Dr. Weaver a gun is such a great idea." Lucy said quickly. Her face reddened but she seemed determined to make the point. " I know you two have known her longer than I have, but just look at how she's acting. She may not be consciously suicidal but she's not rational right now. I can't believe you think its a good idea to give her a loaded handgun."  
  
Carter's face took on a look of exasperation. He was exhausted, Jeanie could see that, and frustrated. " Lucy, " he said softly, " I don't think we should just hand Dr. Weaver a gun. I do agree with you that she's not rational right now. She needs to get more than an hour or two of sleep. The problem is that we have no way of stopping her from getting a gun. She may already have a gun. There's certainly enough of them floating around the ER that she could have picked one up. My point is this. We need to treat her carefully, but we also need to make sure we *all* get out of here alive. If anyone is in danger right now its her. What you're suggesting is not going to help."  
  
Jeanie held up her hand. " What is Lucy suggesting? She didn't like the discussion they were having, but she could see the necessity of it. Kerry wasn't right in the head, as Jeanie's father used to say. She'd gotten the notion of going down with the hospital stuck in her thoughts and was obsessing on it. Plus, she hadn't slept or eaten in days and Jeanie knew that could make anyone irrational. Unfortunately, she also could see Carter's point. John often didn't like to listen to Lucy though, and it was possible she had a good idea.  
  
" I think we should sedate her." Lucy said. " I can get her to drink some juice. We can put some Haldol or Valium in the juice. She'll get some rest. We could get an IV going to replace some fluids and she'll be a lot better. Letting her run around like some half crazed zombie is not the right thing to do. What do you think Jeanie?"  
  
" She's got a point, Carter." Before she could keep going though, there was a crash. All three people turned around. Captain Walker stood there, beside an overturned crash cart.  
  
" I know you sons of bitches have a vaccine." Walker rasped out. He waved his M-16 at them. He coughed. " I want it! I want it now!"  
  
Randi lifted the handgun from the dead soldier's holster. It was a Colt .45, and it was loaded. Too big for her, she decided, but Carter might like it. She'd hoped to find a few 9mm guns but all of the Guardsmen were carrying the older issue weapons. Cut backs strike again, she thought mirthlessly. She preferred a smaller gun. Not that she had that much experience shooting, but there had been a few occasions in her past where a gun had been useful. Generally all she did was wave them around while asking for all the money. She had put that sort of behavior behind her, but she could see where having a little knowledge was going to come in handy. She knew for example that the kick from a .45 would tear up her hand.   
  
She also knew that out of the people still alive in the ER, she was probably the one with the most realistic view of what happened and what was going to happen. Carter and Lucy, she almost chuckled, were just starting to get the idea that things were not going to get better despite all of their attempts. Jeanie Boulet was different in that respect. Jeanie seemed to get the point that things were different. The world was a much different place than what it had been ten days earlier. Jeanie was keeping herself together. Then there was Dr. Weaver, who also seemed to understand how things were different but was definitely not keeping herself together. Not quite the nutcase that Lucy thought she was, but Randi agreed that the older woman could use some mood altering meds, if only because she just wasn't looking good. The last thing Randi wanted to see was anyone die needlessly and Weaver was a person she genuinely liked. She also genuinely liked Carter, Lucy and Jeanie which was why she had stuck around when it would have been simply easier to leave. It was also why she was rooting around an exam room full of corpses looking for guns she didn't want.  
  
There was a noise behind her. She spun around, the gun out. She hadn't seen anyone moving when she entered, but that didn't mean that some feverish soldier wasn't ready to kill her.   
  
" Randi, why are you pointing a gun at me?" Randi lowered the gun, as Weaver slowly pulled herself upright. The older woman was bleeding from a large cut on the right side of her head. She looked at Randi quizzically. " Is that even loaded?"  
  
" I don't know... What happened to you?" Randi was surprised to say the least. No one in the room looked well enough, or alive enough, to have attacked the woman.  
  
Weaver shrugged as if nothing was wrong. " I think that bastard Walker hit me with my crutch. You know, a .45 is too big for your hand. You should try something like this." She pulled out a gleaming 9mm Glock semiautomatic from her lab coat.  
  
Oh that's just great, Randi thought as Weaver pointed the gun at her. " Where did you get that?"   
  
Weaver twirled it, and then pointed towards the heap of bodies stacked in the corner. Randi noticed suddenly that there was an unpleasant odor emanating from the corner. Bodies and ninety degree heat didn't go well together. " I got it from one of the dead gangbangers over there. Could you help me find my crutch?"  
  
I'd be happy to help any non-rational person pointing a gun at me, Randi thought. She started to look around, hoping that the woman would just collapse while they looked. Instead, she heard a crash out in the hallway. " What was that?"  
  
" I'll go check it out. You keep looking for my crutch." With that, Weaver limped badly out the door. Now, Randi thought to herself, do I run out and tackle her? Or do I assume that she's going to fall on her face?   
  
The sound of gun shots drove any more consideration out of her head.  
  
" Now you're gonna give me the damn vaccine." Walker snarled. He raised the gun. " I know you have it."  
  
The three all raised up their hands. " We don't have a vaccine." Lucy said worriedly. Jeanie could have slapped her right then. Of course we have a vaccine you nitwit, she thought, its called 100mgs of morphine and it'd sure cure this idiot in a hurry. Saying no was exactly the wrong way to handle him, but as he lowered the weapon towards Lucy, Jeanie couldn't think of anything else to do.  
  
He fired. A bright red splotch exploded on Lucy's shoulder even as Carter pulled her down. Walker started to aim the gun again when Jeanie heard more shots. She waited for the bullets to strike, but instead five holes seemed to punch through Walker's chest. He fell to the floor, face down. Jeanie looked up. Kerry was standing in the middle of the hallway, holding a gun.   
  
Kerry stepped forward, lurching steps without her crutch, and Jeanie saw the blood on her forehead. She limped up to the now dead captain. " Is he dead? Are you all ok? Lucy, did he shoot you?"  
  
" Just a flesh wound." Carter said nervously as he grabbed some gauze pads off of a rack and pressed them to Lucy. " Right Lucy? You're ok?"  
  
" I'm fine..." She didn't sound fine but then, Jeanie reasoned, she'd just been shot and Kerry was still casually waving a gun at them all. " Just grazed me, Dr. Weaver, I'll be fine."  
  
" Good." Kerry looked down at the cooling corpse. " Those shots are so close together, I could cover them with the palm of my hand. I wonder if I could do that again." She lowered the gun and fired off five more rounds into the captain's head. It splattered into streaks of gore on the tile. She frowned, and dropped the clip from the gun with expert ease and replaced it with a fresh one. " The head's not a good target." She aimed at his lower back and fired five more shots. " That's better." She reached over to the counter and grabbed a small stack of charts. " I'm going to go finish these up in the lounge."  
  
" Kerry..." Jeannie didn't quite know what to say. " Your head... You're bleeding. Would you like me to take a look at that?"   
  
" Oh no, I'm fine. " She turned and limped into the lounge. All three of the remaining people let out their breaths.  
  
" And that is why I don't think she should have a gun." Lucy said after a long moment. Jeannie couldn't help it, she started to laugh. It wasn't funny, not at all, and yet in some bizarre way it was. After a moment, Carter joined her and even Lucy managed a chuckle. The dim hallway was filled, if just for a moment, with the sound of laughter.   
  
?? 


	4. Chapter 4

"ER/Stand" part 4  
  
It was definetely getting too hot. He knew better than to push too hard. If he dropped from heat exhaustion, it would be a very long time before anyone called an ambulance. You're on your own, he told himself as he changed direction and headed for the tree filled park, you need to take care of yourself. The safety net in life was civilization, and civilization was on vacation. That was why he had picked up the M-16 cradled in his arms, and that was most certianly why he was going to sit for a few moments in the shade and drink a bottle of spirng water..  
  
The park was cooler and surprisingly free of dead people. Dead people had never bothered him, it was a fact of life that people died, but he wanted to drink his water without the stench of rotting flesh. It would make the sandwiches he'd packed into his knapsack go down a little easier too. He walked along, looking for a nice place to stop, when a grating noise reached his hears. He stopped, letting himself listen to the near silent city. Not grating , he realized, but shovelling. Somebody felt well enough to be shoveling dirt. Not really the happiest of chores, if whoever it was had decided to bury a loved one, but he was looking for survivors and it was a place to start.  
  
He followed the sound, his pace increasing as the sound got louder. He turned a corner, and found what he was looking for. Two freshly filled graves on a grassy knoll, and a man standing beside the graves, patting down one with the shovel. Then the man took a long drink from a bottle.  
  
A drunk, he thought as he stepped forward, but a drunk with enough compassion left to bury loved ones despite the obvious pointlessness of the task. A fellow survivor and he didn't mind the drinking. Much, anyway. There just weren't that many people around. He couldn't afford to be choosy. " Hey!"  
  
The man turned. " Who are you? Are you planning anything with that gun?" He didn't seem angry, but there was definetely concern on his face, even as he wavered in his stance.  
  
" I'm Luka Kovac." He smiled and slung the rifle onto his back. " I just picked it up to be cautious. There was some shooting last night." Luka eyed the man as he spoke. The fellow was shorter than he, and older. How much older was hard to tell. Luka suspected that a lot of the gray hair was premature and of fairly recent origan. Still, he looked reasonable healthy as he held out the bottle of expensive scotch.  
  
" I'm Doug Ross, doctor and grave digger extraoidonaire. Want a drink?" He was in shock, Luka realized. Not physical shock, that could be treated, but emotional shock. The sort that drove a man to drink long after he was thoroughly drunk. Doug gestured to the graves. " I'm not much of a doctor, but I sure do dig a nice grave. " He continued to hold out the bottle.  
  
" No thanks," Luka said easily. It wasn't that he wasn't tempted, he was most defienetely tempted to blot out the last two weeks of horror with drink, but he knew it wouldn't acomplish much. Still, this Doug fellow was alive and it was just possible that he would clean up. Either way, he couldn't just leave the man. " The graves... your family?"   
  
Doug shook his head. A wry grin crossed his face, and he chuckled, though Luka sensed it was a nervous habit. " No, not family. Better than family. This, " and he tapped one of the mounds, " is the final resting place of my best friend and his daughter. That, " and he then gestured to the other mound, " is the grave of the woman I should have married." He sighed.  
  
There wasn't much Luka could say to that. He had thought, as he had seen people start to riot at Mercy, that he was coping better simply due to his being alone in the world. It was hard to grieve for people you didn't know, and his family was long dead. Still, he had to say something. " Why did you only dig two graves?"  
  
Doug sighed again. Luka could see him tighten up. " Mark didn't want Rachel to be alone. He died just a few hours after she did. He didn't try to fight it.... He kept asking me to make sure that she wouldn't be alone. " He looked at Luka with bleary, reddened eyes. " After all the times he pulled me out of the gutter, it was the least I could do. I guess... I could have gone down to a cemetary, but I like this place. Mark and I used to jog here. Carol said her father used to bring here... I thought it would be all right..." His voice trailed off. He took another drink.  
  
" Its a pretty spot." Luka agreed. He waited a long moment, sensing that the other man needed the silence. Finally, he said softly, " I was looking for people. Would you like to come with me?"  
  
Doug shook his head. He took another drink. " I have to... I have to check on someone. I promised..." He grinned again, and turned to face Luka. " I'm not a great person, but I promised that once everything was over and done..." and he wiped his eyes quickly, " that I would check back. I have to make sure."  
  
Make sure that whoever it was had died, Luka reasoned, but how could he argue against it? Doug might very well be a drunk, but he seemed like an honorable drunk. " Where do you need to go?" If the man wasn't planning some sort of ridiulous cross country search for someone that was likely dead, then Luka didn't mind tagging along. It was something to do, and being around someone was better than being alone. It was safer for starters and while Luka considered himself fairly solitary, he could see that being alone all of the time wasn't healthy. The night before, he'd spent most of the night tossing and turning from nightmares.  
  
Doug shrugged. " Just down to Cook County General. About ten blocks from here. " He chuckled again. " If the El was working, it'd be two minutes but with all the traffic jams, I'm going to have to walk. "  
  
Luka almost smiled in relief. Cook County wasn't a short walk, but it wasn't Miami Beach either. It was maybe an hour walk. " I'll go with you then. If you think there are people there, then we should check it out."  
  
Doug eyed him for a moment. " Ok, but first you're having a drink with me." He walked over to a duffle bag that was resting under a nearby tree and withdrew another bottle and a shot glass. He handed the glass to Luka. " Mark bought this after we buried my father. He told me to save it for my wedding night, but I think this is as close as I'll ever get." He filled the glass for Luka and then lifted the bottle up and ceremoniously took a drink. " Mark, you were like a brother to me. Carol, you were the love of my life. If there had been a choice, I would have died for you both." He hung his head, and Luka could see tears in the man's eyes as he took another drink. " Carol, I promised you I'd be ok, that I'd try to find happiness, but I will carry you in my heart forever." He drank again, and Luka tossed back his own drink, and then Doug poured the rest of the bottle into the grass. He grabbed his duffle bag. " I'm ready to go."  
  
Doug wasn't surprised at the broken glass and dead bodies that littered the street. He'd seen some of the footage on the news of the riot near Mercy Hospital, and it hadn't been pretty. What surprised him was the military barricades and the nearly clear pathway that led to the ER. Someone had spent a lot of time and effort keeping the street clear. In the end he supposed it didn't matter much.  
  
He was starting to lose the buzz from the alcohol. He wanted another drink. He craved another drink, that was the truth. He craved it in the worst way. It took away the memories. Kovac's unspoken disapproval hadn't escaped him though, and he had vowed to quit for a few hours. Later, when night came, he'd attack the extra bottle in his bag. He didn't care much about what Kovac thought of him. He just didn't want to spend another night alone. The night before, after Carol had died, he had tried to sleep, only to wake up screaming. That was when he started drinking. It seemed to bother Kovac and he had decided to taper off a bit until the evening.  
  
Kovac was, he thought as they climbed over the makeshift barricade on the sidewalk by the entranceto the hospital, a rather strange man. A little too quiet and cool, as if he'd seen worse before and found the whole business a bit trying. He'd asked the man about his family and where he was from, since it was obvious by accent that Kovac hadn't been born and raised in the Midwest. Kovac had told him very little, that he was from Croatia, that he also was a doctor, and that his wife and children had been dead for some years. If he wasn't drunk and depressed beyond belief, Doug would have expressed some sympathy but he was barely capable of maintaining conversation. He was surprised that Kovac had agreed to come with him to County, on what he knew in his heart to be a fool's errand.   
  
There weren't any lights on, and someone had chocked open the electronic doors. Kovac pulled a flashlight out of his knapsack and shined it down the hallway. Doug's eyes widened as he took in the rows of dead bodies stacked on gurneys. The plaec was packed. There didn't seem to be anyone alive. They walked over to the main desk and the flashlight's beam fell on a puddle of blood. The light illuminated a man, a man that Doug knew hadn't died of the flu. There were drying streaks of blood and tissue splayed out across the tile. " Damn...."  
  
" There was trouble here." Kovac said simply. He took a step closer and shined the light up close along the dead man's body. The camoflage told Doug that the man had been a soldier, but there was precious little left of the man's face and head. No way to tell if he'd met the man. Luka gestured to the man's back. " Someone made sure he wouldn't get up. And its fresh blood... It happened in the last hour or two."  
  
I want a drink, Doug though suddenly. His hands shook even as he clenched his bag. Suddenly, he wanted out. Out of the cool, dim hallway that was starting to reek with the sickly scent of rotting flesh. He could feel the neck of the bottle of whiskey that he'd stowed in his bag. He wanted nothing more than to bolt away to the outside and drink himself into oblivion, but he stopped himself. I have to make sure, he told himself numbly.  
  
A beam of light flashed down the hallway. " Hands up!" Doug knew the voice, in the back of his mind he knew it was a friend, but he threw his hands up as fast as he could. Someone had shot the army man and not more than a few hours ago. The light shined directly into his face. Then, it fell away. " Dr. Ross? Is that you?"  
  
He lowered his hands, blinking away the dazzle from the light. " Randi? "  
  
" Dr. Ross, you're alive." She walked over, a flashlight in one hand and a pistol in the other. She was dressed in her usual flashy manner, a red halter top that clung to her chest and some tight jeans. Her face wore a guarded, worried expression. She looked over Luka who still had his hands up. " Is your friend friendly?"  
  
It took a moment for the question to register. " He's fine, Randi. " He gestured for Luka to lower his hands. " Randi, this is Dr. Luka Kovac. Dr. Kovac, Randi Fronzac...." He almost laughed at the idiocy of it all. He was politely introducing two people in a darkened abandoned hospital over the body of a man that had obviously died less than two hours earlier. He shook off the thought. " Randi, is.... are you the only one here?"  
  
" Naw." Randi smiled. " Carter and Jeanie are stitching Lucy up in the cafeteria. Dr. Weaver is in the lounge having a psychotic episode."  
  
Doug thought about that for a moment. " What?"  
  
" It's a long story, and I missed most of it." Randi shined her flashlight onto the dead man at their feet. " I guess the short version is that Captain Asshole here was sick and shot Lucy over some vaccine we don't have. Then Dr. Weaver blasted him in the back."  
  
" She's a good shot." Kovac offered. " I could cover the shot pattern with my hand."  
  
Randi rolled her eyes. " Yeah, and she's still armed, and while I think this son of a bitch deserved what he got, I also think that not sleeping for seven days straight has screwed her priorities just a bit. She locked herself into the lounge to do charts." She stopped. " Dr. Ross, are you even listening to me?"  
  
He blinked. It was just too much. " Randi, I'm really drunk."  
  
  
  
?? 


	5. chapter 5

" ER/Stand - Part 5"  
  
  
  
The cafeteria was lit with over a dozen flashlights. It was the sort of thing that Doug would have considered silly if he'd been in a better frame of mind. Even in his inebriated state, he didn't really see why Jeanie, Lucy and Carter had chosen to hold council in a room with no electricity and no windows. Granted, there seemed to be fewer dead bodies which was nice, but he just didn't get it.  
  
Lucy had a iv hooked into her left arm. The better part of her lab coat sleeve had been chopped off, making her look ragged and lopsided. There was a large bandage on her upper arm. It's neat appearance told Doug that either Carter or Jeanie had taken care of the young woman. She looked a bit pale. For an instant, he felt a way of sympathy. She wasn't more than twenty four, a young kid that just wanted to be a doctor, and it was all over. It was going to be a very long time before anyone reopened a medical school, or a hospital for that matter. And of course, she'd been shot.   
  
" So did Kerry shoot you?" he asked her as he and Kovac took a seat at the table. It still didn't seem clear to him exactly what had happened. Randi had been pretty clear that it had been the dead army man, but she had stayed in the hallway to "be the guard", and Carter and Lucy's excited prattling had managed to confuse the hell out of him. Kovac seemed equally confused.  
  
Lucy frowned at him. Much like Kovac, she was clearly disapproving the fact that it was ten in the morning and he was plastered. " No, Dr. Ross. Captain Walker shot me. Then Dr. Weaver killed him." She winced as she moved her arm. " I think she's had a breakdown."  
  
" I think, " Jeanie said after a long moment, " that we don't need to be focusing on a diagnosis right now." Jeanie's tone was just a notch below angry. Doug could see her jaw clench as she leaned across the table. " This is already an extremely stressful situation. We need to get the gun away from Kerry. I don't think she intended the level of... of overkill. I certainly don't think we need to worry about *our* safety."  
  
" What if she's not out of ammunition?" Lucy countered.  
  
" What if she's hemorrhaging inside of her skull?" Carter shot back. " We tried waiting it out with Walker, and look what happened. I say we go in there, and just give her a sedative. Yes, she'll be mad, but we need to make sure she's ok."  
  
" And if she shoots you Carter?" Lucy asked. " What then? I didn't see a lot of restraint on her part. She's not rational. If we wait, she'll eventually have to sleep. Then we can get the gun away. Dr. Kovac, what do you think?"  
  
Kovac looked uncomfortable, yet pleased to be included. " If she does have a severe head injury, " he said slowly, " what would you do? Operating without x-rays or electric power would be a guessing game..." Doug almost grinned at how quickly poor Kovac had gotten sucked into the weird hysteria. He gave the big man credit, Kovac was trying to divert everyone from their panic. It wasn't going to work, at least not for a while. Kovac had no way of knowing that both Carter and Lucy were punch drunk from shock and exhaustion. So was Jeanie, but Doug sensed that if she had been alone, the gun would have long been taken away.   
  
None of them seemed to notice when he got up. He walked out into the hallway. Randi was leaning up against the wall, keeping one eye on the lounge door. She smiled just a little as he approached. " Get tired of the debating club?"  
  
He grinned. Randi always did have a rather sarcastic sense of humor. " I thought I might see if Dr. Weaver would talk." And if she was violent, he wasn't terribly concerned. He'd promised Carol, as she was dying in his arms, that he wouldn't commit suicide, but it could hardly be considered anything but an accident if he was shot.   
  
Randi sized him up with a glance. " She's not violent, you know. That guy, he did something. Come here." She walked around to behind the desk and pointed. Doug saw Weaver's crutch propped up against the wall, but it was badly bent. " Those are made to take punishment. She told me that he hit her with her crutch. You got to wonder, how many times and how hard did he hit her to do that?"  
  
" Interesting point," he slurred. He knew Randi had just pointed something significant out, and that he knew what it was, but he didn't want to think very hard just yet. " The lounge door *is* locked? "  
  
" To some." Randi's eyes twinkled. " I picked it about an hour ago. You're going to go in there? For real?" It seemed to please and worry her at the same time.  
  
" Yes... Why, do you want a coke?" Doug grinned. " I'll bring you one if you'll clear out an exam room and maybe find me a suture kit."   
  
" Hmm hauling dead bodies in exchange for a soda. I guess since I'm obviously not getting a paycheck this week, I'll do it." She gestured to the lounge door. " After you."  
  
" Thanks." Doug suspected he was getting the short end of the stick. He opened the lounge door and walked in.  
  
It seemed surprisingly normal. The bright sunlight streaming in through the window made the room look the way it normally did. Kerry was sitting at the table, charts piled around her. He watched as she wrote something onto a chart. Her eye lids fluttered and for a second her head nodded. Then she jerked back upright. She didn't seem to notice as he walked around the table and took a seat opposite her. He spotted the large cut on the right side of her head. It was still trickling blood. She needs stitches, he thought. Stitches and maybe a Prozac chaser. The gun was inches away from her right hand, but she seemed pretty calm as she scribbled away on another chart.  
  
" Kerry?" She looked up at the sound. Oh, you're definitely not here with the rest of us, he thought as he looked into her eyes. Her pupils were huge, and he could see her entire body tremoring. He knew that not sleeping for an extended period of time could cause irrationality and the present situation wasn't helping, but there was more wrong than just the simple notion that she had slipped a mental gear or two.  
  
" Doug." She blinked. " You look tired. What happened to your hair? You look a lot more gray." She seemed concerned. " You look tired."  
  
He managed a smile. " It's been a pretty bad week for everyone, I think." He had looked in a mirror the day before, and been surprised and shocked to see that his hair had gone from salt and pepper to mostly dark gray in a matter of days. It had, amongst other things, sent him off to find a bottle. He was irritated that it was the first thing she thought to ask him, but he reminded himself that she'd also shot and killed a man an hour earlier. And, he thought, I'm drunk and easily pissed off. Let's try this again. " How are you doing?"  
  
" I'm fine. Just finishing up the charts." She wrote something on the chart and then set it aside abruptly as if she had just been struck by an important thought. An important thought but she clearly was having trouble focusing on it. Finally, she said, " Mark... You went to check on Mark. How is he?"  
  
" He's dead." There was no point in lying to her. She had spoken to Mark on the phone and he had been sneezing and coughing. " He died about three days ago." He pushed the image of Mark's death away in his mind. He didn't really want to think about it just yet. Not without a bottle in hand.  
  
Her expression changed subtly. " I liked Mark." She cradled her head in him arms and closed her eyes. " My head hurts so badly, and Mark's dead and I liked him." After a moment, she looked up at him. " And Carol. I liked her. She was good for you. What... what did we do to deserve this?"  
  
He didn't answer. He couldn't answer. He didn't know. He suspected he was being punished, and rightly so, for treating Carol so badly. He should have married her, he shouldn't have cheated on her, and now he was paying the price. He decided to try and get things under control. " Kerry, what day is it?"  
  
She blinked again. It took her a moment to come up with the answer. " Its Wednesday. Why are you asking me that?"  
  
" Because it's Saturday, Kerry." He decided to try something else. He stood up and walked around so that he was behind her, leaning over. He gently touched the side of her head. " You're bleeding. I think we need to take a look at you. " He looked down her scrub shirt at the skin on her neck and back. There were welts forming, which he had suspected. " You might have a concussion." Or worse, but as Kovac had pointed out, there was precious little they could do if that was the case.  
  
She touched the cut on her head, and seemed surprised to find blood on her finger tips. " How did..." For a moment, she seemed to contemplate it, then she visibly shook it off. " I'm fine, Doug. Really. I have to finish these charts up."  
  
It almost made him laugh, but he choked it down. It *was* funny that she was obsessing over the charts, but it wasn't funny that she was injured. In different circumstances, if he wasn't drunk and if Kerry didn't have a pistol within her reach, he would have simply manhandled her into an exam room. He didn't want it to come to that. He *was* drunk. He knew regardless that he could force her, but he didn't want to hurt her because his own coordination wasn't the greatest. More to the point, he was positive that less than three hours earlier some other man had manhandled the crap out of her. He wasn't terribly concerned about long term outcomes for himself, but he wanted to minimize damaging her. He knew her well enough to know she was going to hate herself for a long time over shooting the army captain, even if the man did deserve it. He didn't want to make it worse. " If I help you finish the charts, will you let me examine you? Just to make sure you're fine."  
  
It took her a moment to consider that. " You don't like to do charts." Still, she seemed pleased at the offer.  
  
" There isn't that many." He took half of the remaining stack. There was six left, and he knew he could fake it pretty well. He quickly signed the paperwork, noting idly that everyone seemed to have died from flu related complications. " I'm done. Looks like you're done too. How about I check you over?"  
  
She looked up at him. " I'm fine."  
  
" You're bleeding. Remember?" He mentally crossed his fingers on the hope that he didn't have to explain it again.   
  
" Ok..." She stood up slowly, " Where's my crutch? I set it down... And..." She put a hand to her head. " I don't know what happened to it..."  
  
It was broken over your head, Doug thought, but I don't want to remind you of that just yet. Not until you're out of reach of the gun. " It's ok. We'll find it after we check you out." He took a step closer to her, sensing that she wasn't steady enough to walk very far.  
  
" I *am* fine," Kerry insisted as she took a lurching, off balance step. Doug quickly wrapped one of his arms around her waist.  
  
" Of course you're fine," he said easily. " Let's just make sure."  
  
Carter yawned. He couldn't help it. He was tired. Exhausted to the core really, and he could admit, at least to himself, that he wasn't feeling much like coping. He was worried about Kerry, but the best reason he had for running into the lounge with a syringe full of sedatives was that once she was calmed down, he could proceed with his own nervous breakdown. He wanted to sleep for a few days, curled up in a ball, and not think about how everything had gone to hell. It was selfish, and he knew it, but he was just so tired.  
  
" We're not accomplishing anything." He said it forcefully. " We have sat here for an hour and done nothing. I say, we go in there, sedate Dr. Weaver and then get out of here. We *all* need to get away from here."  
  
" Ok." Jeanie said. " Let's get out of here. Where do we go? Do you have a suggestion, Carter?"  
  
Carter nodded. It was like Jeanie to cut to the chase. Out of the small group assembled, she seemed to be the one keeping up with the situation without losing it. " My grandparents house. It's outside of the city. There's an emergency generator and the water comes from a well."  
  
" Great. Any other suggestions?" Jeanie didn't wait for answers. " Then we'll do that. "  
  
" Do what?" They all turned. Doug staggered into the cafeteria, a bottle in hand. Carter had never known the older man to be more than a casual drinker, but Doug had obviously decided that drinking was the best way to handle the crisis. Carter wasn't sure it was such a bad idea. A drink sounded like a nice proposition. Doug eyed them all. " Just what the hell have you people been, aside from twiddling your thumbs up your asses? Do you realize that guy beat Kerry senseless? Oh, by the way, I got the gun away from her and she's asleep in exam room three, no thanks to any of you. I ended up putting about fourteen sutures into her scalp. Where the hell were you all when that bastard was attacking her?"  
  
Carter hung his head. He'd barely been able to keep track of himself over the last few days. After a second, Jeanie stood up. She was angry, Carter could see that plainly.  
  
" Where the hell were you, Doug?" She shouted, her rage clear. " See, I don't recall seeing you in for the past seven days working yourself so hard that you can't even see straight. I don't think *you* have any damn right to judge any of us."  
  
" Did you take an extra bitch pill this morning, Jeanie?" Doug said with a smirk.   
  
Before Jeanie could jump across the table, Luka stood up and neatly placed himself between the two. Carter was impressed. " I think, " he said softly, " that we need to get out of here." He turned to Carter. " You said your grandparents place was outside the city?"  
  
Carter nodded. " The estate is pretty isolated."  
  
" Well, I think its a good idea to get out of the city for a while. Do any of you have a car?" Kovac gently steered Doug towards a chair away from Jeanie.  
  
" I have my jeep here." Carter said quickly. He was suddenly overtaken by the urge to leave. He could see by the expressions on everyone else's faces that they were feeling the same thing.  
  
" My car is here too." Jeanie said. She took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm down. " Let's pack up some medical supplies and get out of here. I think this place is making us all a little crazy."  
  
Carter nodded along with everyone else. The hospital, with no power and the growing stench of dead bodies, was no place for the living.   
  
?? 


	6. Chapter 6

" ER/Stand part 6 "  
  
Luka looked at the catherdral ceiling in the Carter family mansion and whistled softly. He had pictured a small two story house and the palatial expensive home was not waht he had envisioned at all. The room itself was what Carter called the "family living room" which was evidently different than "the parlor", " the smoking room " and the "formal living room". It was a very nice room all things considered. The deep leather couches were comfortable and obviously expensive. The rugs were Persian. There was Steuban crystal figurines on the shelves, high up enough that little hands couldn't reach them, but still tastefully displayed. There was a bar in the corner filled with pricey cordials and excellent aged scotch. Doug had already poured himself a glass. It wasn't good, Luka thought, that the man drank so much. It was a problem that was similar to the problem they had faced earlier with the gun. There was just too much alcohol within arm's reach to keep one person away from it. He hoped that the man would get over his crisis soon. Otherwise it was going to be very difficult to deal with.  
  
That was if he stayed with the group and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to stay. There were problems. Doug was drowning the situation in a wave of booze. Dr. Weaver, who he had seen only as a pale, sleeping woman, was not coping well. Granted, he didn't feel physically threatened by a disabled woman half his size, but it concerned him. Lucy was wounded and very young seeming. Then, there was John Carter, member of the bourgious upper class. Luka wouldn't have cared under normal, but Carter was barely functioning and had a mindset that wasn't thinking very far into the future. It also worried him that Jeanie was HIV positive. She had been very upfront about it when he had asked why so many AIDS related drugs had ended up in their medical store. It made him nervous just the same. It also made him feel awful to think that way, but it was a survival situation. He was with five people and only one of them, Randi, seemed suited to dealing with the situation. Randi, for her part, seemed very loyal to them so if he did decide to slip out, he'd be going alone. He didn't want to be alone but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a group of basket cases.  
  
Basket cases is harsh, he thought as he opened the expensive imported beer that Carter had handed him moments earlier. He was probably being too pessamistic. Aside from her HIV status, Jeanie seemed to be a level headed woman. She had taken the situation in hand, despite the unpleasant, if obvious fact that her own life span was going to be cut short. It was possible that he simply wasn't seeing either Lucy or Carter at their best. They were very tired and in shock. He suspected they would be better companions with a little rest. He wasn't sure he'd go so far with Dr. Weaver, whose first name he still wasn't quite sure of, but the truth was, no one seemed very upset over the death of the army captain. From what Jeanie had describbed, if the man hadn't been killed, he would have shot them all. It wasn't normal behavior, but the man had beaten her up and threatened the lives of coworkers. It was possible that her irrationality would disappear with rest and removal from the situation. Of course, he had packed a few different psychiatric drugs just in case she didn't respond well. He had his worries about Doug, but the man had buried loved ones that morning. Did you function that well, he asked himself, when your own family died? No, you didn't. Your father had to bring you the vodka you drowned your sorrows in. At least Doug can find the bar. Maybe he'll straighten out after a few days, he thought charitably, the same way I did.  
  
He wasn't looking to leave any time soon, either. He'd spent the last five days holed up on his dank boat waiting out the worst of the plague. He had been working at Chicago Hope as a long term ttemporary worker for a pregnant doctor on leave and when his shift had finished, he had left. The military had left Hope alone for the most part and it had been easy to evade the sick soldiers. It had been a long, lonely five days. He'd checked on a few of the people in the nearby boats but they had all died very quickly. He had barely been able to eat the last few days and his stress levels had shot through the roof. He had also been having bad dreams, nightmares really, and he was positive it was because he was alone. People had never been important to him, not since his family was killed, but now he keenly felt how alone he was. It had been a relief even to find a drunk. For a few days at least, he thought reflectively, I'm going to stay here. He suspected it would be a long time before he found a group of people, let alone a group of medical colleagues. At least we have mutual interests, he thought as he sipped his beer.  
  
Lucy walked into the room, carrying a large tray of sandwiches and snacks. She had changed into a casual pair of shorts and a shirt. No doubt the women had stopped at their various homes or at least a store before heading to the Carter home. Probably their homes, he mused as he took in her clothes, her outfit looked nice but not brand new and he suspected that the reality of no more need to buy anything hadn't sunk in yet. She set the tray down on the small coffee table. " I made sandwiches out of the stuff that was in the fridge. It was lucky that someone turned on the emergency power in the kitchen. Everything would have spoiled otherwise." Her voice trailed off, and she took a seat on the couch opposite Luka.  
  
He picked up a roast beef sandwich. " How is your arm?" He didn't know what else to say. He was the only stranger in the group and it felt awkward.  
  
" I'm all right," Lucy said after a moment. Her voice was soft. " The bullet just grazed me. I guess Dr. Ross gave Dr. Weaver more stitches than what I got." She looked over at Doug. " Dr. Ross, maybe you should eat something."  
  
Doug walked over, his glass in hand. " Lucy, my name is Doug." He placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a good natured smile. " It's ok for you to call me Doug, ok?"  
  
She nodded but Luka could see that she felt awkward. " Maybe you should eat something... Doug."  
  
He grinned as he took a seat in one of the easy chairs. Then he took a long swallow from his drink. " In the immortal words of Kerry Weaver, no, I'm fine. Anyone have an agenda for the evening?"  
  
Luka shrugged. He didn't know. Carter had wandered off as soon as they had gotten to the house, stating that he wanted to make sure the house was ok. Jeanie and Randi were making sure that Kerry was safely ensconced in a downstairs bedroom. He, upon dumping his rucksack into one of the other empty bedrooms, had headed for the family living room, finding it the one plaec that didn't seem loaded with breakables. He had no plans for the evening, aside from eating and sleeping. Maybe getting to know his new companions would be nice, he mused, but none of them seemed in the mood.  
  
Lucy seemed at as muh of a loss as he. " I don't know. I'm really not in the mood to sit around the fireplace telling ghost stories." She gestured to the ornate fireplace in the far wall.   
  
" Then I suppose no one will mind if I have another drink." Doug drank down the remains of his drink and got up. Luka could tell by Lucy's expression that she was as concerned as he was. Doug, for his part, was either oblivious or uncaring. He poured himself another generous drink of scotch.   
  
Again it was awkward. Luka nibbled on his sandwich, wondering just what the group dynamic was. Doug had been Lucy's superior and she was uncomfortable with how the situation had changed. She also seemed rather sympathetic towards the man, and Luka wondered why. Stop analyzing, he told himself. Just watch and learn. You're the outsider here.  
  
" Doug?" Luka turned at the sound of Jeanie's voice. She walked into the large room at a brisk pace. She looked worried, Luka realized. Not "oh dear god the house is on fire" worried, but she was concerned about something. He watched as she strode over to where Doug was standing. " What did you give Kerry? She's not very responsive. I tried to wake her up and I couldn't."  
  
" Why would you try to wake her up?" Doug asked. He took a drink. " I gave her Haldol but only half the normal dosage for someone her size, since I had a feeling it was going to hit her hard. You did examine her?" He spoke as though it was obvious, and somehow Luka wasn't surprised when she nodded. " Then you know. So, why don't you just let her get some sleep?"  
  
Jeanie's face took on a harsher look. " Doug, she has a head injury that you evidently didn't bother to assess, and you gave her a sedative. What were you thinking?"  
  
" I was thinking that she was needing to be sedated. " Doug said. His tone was short, but Luka sensed a touch of regret. " You do understand that any sort of treatment that we attempt without a sterile surgical room and ICU will kill her, right? If she's got a skull fracture, it's going to heal slow, and I don't envy her the headaches. If she's got a concussion, she'll be fine in a few days. And if she does have a subdural bleed, she's going to die in the next few days. Sooner, if anyone does decide to try their hand at cut rate nuerosurgery. " He paused. " I won't try it. I don't dislike her enough to intentionally kill her."  
  
Jeanie looked as if she was going to explode. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. " Doug, I am sorry about what I said earlier, and I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am about Carol. Both Carol and Mark. I am just concerned about the living right now, and not the dead."  
  
" So was I when I sedated someone who was obviously a danger to herself and others." Doug grabbed the bottle he'd been pouring his drinks from, and poured himself another healthy sized glass. " Now, if you're done trying to make me feel guilty over not panicking over a situation I can't change?"  
  
" Fine." Jeanie spun around and walked out. If the temperature in the room had been sultry before, now it seemed almost ice cold. It was more than awkward, and Luka found himself almsot shivering. The problem, he realized, was that he could see both sides. Both Jeanie and Doug were doing their best to do the right thing. What made it worse was that he got the impression that they were two people who generally got along. Doug was drunk and unfortuneatly right. Jeanie was worried and concerned. I'm tired of talking with someone who is drunk, he decided.   
  
He stepped out into the long hallway. The lights weren't turned on. He wasn't sure which room Jeanie was in and the dark wasn't helping. He started peeking into each room, taking care to knock. He opened one door, only to find himself looking at what was obviously a well loved trophy room. The waning sunlikght lit the room up. John Carter was standing near a large mahogony desk, fiddling with a rifle. There was an open gun cabinet set into the wall and many animal heads on the walls.  
  
Carter looked at him. His eyes were tired looking. " Dr. Kovac... Is everything all right? " He looked down the sights of the rifle as he spoke.  
  
" I was just looking for Jeanie, " Luka said softly. His concern rose just a notch. On the one hand, Carter was fooling with a gun. On the other hand, he hadn't seemed suicidal and he was holding the weopon like he'd used it at least a few times before. He decided to explain himself a little better since he didn't know what the younger man was thinking or doing. " She was worried about Dr. Weaver. I thought I would take a look, but I don't remember which room they're in."  
  
" They're down towards the end of the hall. Last door on the left." Carter set the rifle down on the desk. " Once you do that, I could use your help. There's some antique kerosene lanterns up in the attic. I'm going to turn the electricity off except for in the kitchen. The fuel isn't going to last forever and electric lights might attract... less than pleasant survivors."  
  
Luka was impressed. He'd had the impression that Carter wasn't truly accepting the situation, but here he ws planning ahead. " What about the gun?"  
  
Carter shrugged. He smiled wryly. " What with most of the human race being dead and all, it occured to me that there's absolutely no police around. There's seven of us. Four of us are female. Dr. Ross and I aren't the sort to... force ourselves on women who don't want our attention. You don't strike me that way either, but I'm sure there's some people out there who would just see four attractive women in a world where there just aren't very many. You follow me?"  
  
" Of course." And he certainly understood that John Carter felt protective and wouldn't tolerate any such nonsense from a newcomer. Luka didn't anticipate it being a problem with him, but Carter had a good point. There were other survivors. There were no policemen. There were no laws. If someone came to the mansion looking for companionship in a violent way, they would have to respond in kind. It was, in a way, worse than the war in his homeland, in that in Croatia there had at least been the hope that things would get better. It was going to be a long time before things got better in Chicago. He watched as Carter loaded the rifle. The rifle was almost a show piece. Like everything else in the place, it reeked of class and money. " Do you know how to use that?"  
  
" Well enough." Carter gestured around the room. A closer look told Luka that someone in the Carter family had done a great deal of safari hunting before predators like lions and tigers had become endangered. Carter looked somehwat pensive as he gazed about the room. " My grandfather liked to hunt. It was his only hobby that didn't involve business. He would go just about anywhere if he thought there was a big dangerous animal he could track. He took me a few times. Deer and elk hunting. " He shrugged. " I never killed anything but I do know which end to point it at. What about that M-16 you have?"  
  
Another good question, Luka thought. " I've used one before. In Bosnia. I'm no expert."  
  
Carter smiled just a little. " I guess we'll have to ask Dr. Weaver for some tips." He picked up his rifle again. " I suppose that's not very funny."  
  
" I've heard worse." Luka said. The humor in a war zone tended to be pretty grim. He decided that Carter had the situation in hand, at least as much as could be expected. He left the trophy room and went back into the hallway. Instead of heading down to the bedroom where Jeanie was, he went back to the kitchen. There were a few flashlights in there, and Jeanie would appreciate one if the power was going out. She might also want something to eat, he mused.  
  
He merely tapped the door as he strode in, his arms loaded down with a tray. Jeanie was seated in a small armchair near the bed and she looked surprised to see him. The nightstand was loaded up with medical supplies. She had attached a hanging IV to the four poster bed, and he could see the tubing snaking under the covers. Kerry was curled up under the covers. Sleeping peacefully, to his practiced eye, which was probably for the best. He set the tray down on a small desk that was pushed up against the wall. It was a nice enough room, but judging by the room's placement, on the first floor near the giant garage, and judging by the pleasant but older furniture, he suspected it was either a servant's old room or perhaps a disliked relative's. Carter must have chosen it because it was the closest bedroom to the garage. " I brought you two some sandwiches and hot tea. How are you doing?"  
  
Jeanie shrugged. She picked up one of the mugs of tea. " I'm fine. Kerry is asleep or unconsious, I really can't tell. Most of the human race is dead. I'm HIV positive and my drug cocktail doesn't have a long shelf life. This morning I saw a very close friend casually kill a man, and the only real feelings I have about that are that I'm glad the man's dead. All in all its been a rotten day." She sipped the tea. Then, she started to cry. " I'm sorry... It's just... It's just a lot, all at once."  
  
Luka pulled over the small desk chair and took a seat beside her. He took her hands in his. " It's all right. I think it's a lot for all of us." She continued to cry for a few moments, and he let her. It was a lot for anyone to handle and she had been obviously holding up the others. Finally as she stared to wipe her eyes, he said, " You know, it could be worse. You could be an insulin dependant diabetic."  
  
After a moment, she chuckled. " That's really not very funny," she said.   
  
" No, but all things considered, we're not doing too badly." He shifted his chair so that he could check out Kerry, which had been his origanal plan. It wasn't that he didn't trust Doug or Jeanie's skills but there were extenuating cirumstances. Doug had assessed Kerry while intoxicated. Jeanie was not a doctor, and she was tired and upset. He looked over the sleeping woman, careful not to jostle the bed. " Her pupils react to light. Her breathing is fine, she doesn't seem to be in distress. " He decided to try a little humor. " As long as she's not insulin dependant, I think she'll be fine."   
  
Jeanie did smile, but it was a strained smile. " Fortuneatly I don't think any of us have that problem. And Doug is right. There's not much we can do if there's more than a concussion."  
  
" Things will work out." Luka firmly believed that. The situation was horrible, but he accepted it. The plague had happened and he had to either accept it and try to make things start to work again, or not accept it.   
  
" I know, " she said softly, " but it doesn't change the fact that I wish none of this had happened."  
  
To that, Luka Kovac had no response. There wasn't any response to make. Natural or not, the flu had killed most of humanity, and he wished it hadn't happened too.  
  
?? 


	7. Chapter 7

" ER/Stand - part 7"  
  
It was the bright sunlight streaming across her pillow that woke her up. Kerry sat up and looked around. Part of her was more than a little surprised and disturbed to find herself in a room she didn't recognize. Jeanie was curled up in a chair, fast asleep. Slowly the situation came back to her. The flu was killing everyone. It had become clear that it couldn't be controlled in any way. She checked her watch. It was six a.m on Sunday. The last day she remembered clearly was Wednesday. This is not good, she thought as she noticed the bandage on her forehead. She slowly got out of bed, taking care to disconnect the IV from her arm. Someone had thoughtfully placed a forearm crutch near the bed, but a glance at it told her that it wasn't hers. It wasn't sized quite right and she took a moment to adjust it, taking care to not wake Jeanie. They weren't at Jeanie's house, she knew that, but she also knew that Jeanie was a woman with good sense. Wherever they were, she trusted Jeanie's judgement that it was a safe place.  
  
There were a couple of suitcases and bags dumped in the corner. She recognized some of the bags as her own, and in fact were filled with her own clothes and personal items. So Jeanie had stopped at my house, she thought as she dressed, and her own. She winced suddenly. Why do I hurt so much, she wondered as she limped towards the door, I feel like I walked away from a car wreck. And I'm starving. She could vaguely recall Lucy Knight plying her with cookies and juice, but her body told her that the cookies had been some time ago.   
  
One glance at the dim hallway told her exactly where she was. She'd been in the Carter mansion a few times before for some fund raising events. She flicked the hallway light, but wasn't surprised when the lights didn't come on. The power had been failing and she'd known, even days earlier, that they were soon to be without electric power. It was nice while it lasted, she thought sadly as she walked down the hallway.  
  
The kitchen was near the family living room, she remembered that much about the giant house. She stepped into the large living room and looked around. Lying on the floor near one of the leather couches was Doug Ross. There was an empty bottle of scotch next to him and the scent of alcohol hung around him like a cloud. Wonderful, she thought as she took in the scene. Most of the human race has died, I feel like there's a jackhammer going off in my skull, and the only man left alive is a drunken Doug Ross. This must be hell.  
  
She shook off those thoughts as she spotted the kitchen door. Hunger overrode her annoyance. She left Doug where he was lying and went into the kitchen. Much to her surprise, the room was filled with the gentle hum of electricity. The refrigerator was cold and the freezer was filled with ice crystals. That's nice, she thought as she saw fresh orange juice just waiting to be poured. I want more than juice though.  
  
The stove was a gas stove and there were plenty of breakfast fixings. She doubted Doug would want to eat, but Jeanie would probably like some food. And Carter. Somehow she doubted Jeanie and Doug would have gone to Carter's family home as a place of refuge without Carter suggesting it. How much should I make, she thought. A lot. Whether or not anyone else was hungry didn't matter. She was starving.  
  
The kitchen soon started to smell with the warm scent of cooking food. She knew she was suffering from some sort of shock, and cooking had always made her feel better and more in control. She made several stacks of blueberry pancakes and started to fry up some sausage links. Then she moved over to the coffee pot. There was an assortment of foreign coffee, which made her smile sadly. It was going to be a long time before anyone imported more Kenyan coffee, she mused. She started a pot percolating.  
  
" What's cooking? It smells great!" Kerry almost dropped the spatula, she was that startled by the sound of Randi Fronzac's voice. It was almost frightening. Randi, for her part, seemed equally surprised to see her. " Dr. Weaver, you're up... Are you ok?"  
  
" Randi..." Kerry took a deep breath. " I'm sorry. You startled me. I made breakfast." Randi was alive and that thought startled her almost as much as Randi's words had.  
  
Randi looked at her with something between concern and humor on her face. " Breakfast smells great. Are you like... aware of whats going on? You've been a little weird acting lately." Her tone spoke volumes. Kerry felt a strange wave of fear roll through her. Randi was more concerned than "a little weird acting" implied. It didn't help that no matter how hard she thought about it, she was drawing a blank on the last three days.  
  
Finally she said, " I don't remember the last three days at all, and the days before that aren't crystal clear." It was embarrassing to admit. The last thing she remembered clearly, and sequentially was letting the staff leave and telling Doug Ross to take Carol home. It hadn't been that she felt that badly for Doug, but she did like Carol. As soon as she had seen Carol coughing and sneezing, she knew how it would end. Judging by Doug's condition, she'd been right. It didn't make her feel better in the slightest. She hesitated, but then asked, " What exactly happened that was weird?"  
  
Randi shrugged. " You said it was ok for me to use your first name. That was for starters."  
  
" Ok..." That wasn't too horrible, especially considering that she had always rather liked Randi. Somehow though, she suspected that was just the beginning. " Considering the situation, you should use my first name. We're not exactly coworkers anymore."  
  
" Yeah, I think that was your original point." Randi sniffed the air. " Is the food done? Because I'm starving and all we had to eat last night were some skanky sandwiches that Lucy made."  
  
Kerry pointed to the oven. " There's blueberry pancakes in the oven. The sausage is on the stove and I think the muffins should be done by now." She didn't know what else to say. That Lucy was also alive was wonderful, but she couldn't help but think that Randi was about to tell her something humiliating. It didn't help that she was so hungry, it was difficult to concentrate.  
  
Randi returned with two heaping plates of food. She set them down on the kitchen table and sat down. After a second, Kerry joined her. Randi was clearly more interested in food than in relating the events of the past few days. She dove into the pancakes with gusto, stopping only to slop real maple syrup onto them. Kerry gave up for the moment, and started to eat her own pancakes. It felt good to do something normal like eat, and she felt better. At least the gnawing empty feeling had gone away, though it did make her more aware of the fact that she felt physically rotten. She watched as Randi swirled her sausages in the syrup and felt her impatience grow. " So what else happened?"  
  
Randi made a point of swallowing her mouthful of muffin. " Well.... You started refusing to sleep or eat.... Then well.... Do you remember that guy Walker?"  
  
" Yes, " she said after a moment. A pompous, abusive man that gotten his jollies off on the power he had in the crisis. He'd ordered the shooting of civilians and people she had known had been killed. She knew that, felt that, but the details what had happened escaped her. What she did know, almost instinctively, was that she had despised the man almost from the instant she met him. She shuddered suddenly. " He was sick... I remember that."  
  
Randi nodded. She seemed to hesitate. " He smacked you up Wednesday night, hard enough to bruise. Then, yesterday..." She stopped for a moment, clearly struggling to find the right words. " That was when the not eating and not sleeping thing started getting out of hand. I don't know exactly what happened yesterday because I wasn't watching your every move. I was a little upset myself... what with most of the human race dropping dead and all." Her tone was a little piqued, as if she'd already been read the riot act over it. She toyed with her remaining sausage. " Walker beat the crap out of you. I don't know when. None of us saw you from about three in the morning until nine. I found you in exam room four. You were pretty out of it."  
  
" How out of it?" Her nerves started to ring.  
  
Randi looked suddenly grim. " I didn't see it. You heard something and went out in the hallway. Walker was nuts. He thought there was some vaccine. He threatened everyone... You had... you had a gun that you'd found somewhere and you shot him."  
  
Kerry felt herself grow cold. " I shot him... Did I kill him?"   
  
" Oh yeah." Randi leaned back in her chair. She shuddered. " You pretty much turned his head and back into swiss cheese. For what it's worth, the son of a bitch deserved it. He shot Lucy. He would have killed Lucy, Jeanie and Carter if you hadn't done something." She eyed Kerry carefully. " Let me get you a cup of coffee. You need it."  
  
" Ok..." Kerry said dully. She struggled to recall the events of the day before, but nothing came to her, absolutely nothing. She'd killed a man. She had done it intentionally, to the point that Randi seemed startled by what had happened. Her hands started to shake. She wrapped her hands around the coffee mug that Randi handed her gratefully and sipped the hot drink.  
  
" You ok?" Randi asked after a moment. She was worried, that much was obvious, Kerry realized. The concern made her feel a little better but she couldn't quite shake the empty sick feeling that engulfed her.  
  
She stood up slowly. " I'm all right. " She stepped over to the door that led to the large covered porch, coffee mug in hand. " I just... I just want to be alone for a little while. Maybe get a little fresh air and think." Before Randi could answer, she walked out onto the porch. I don't want to think, she realized as she sat down in one of the wicker porch chairs. I just want to remember.  
  
?? 


	8. Chapter 8

" ER/Stand part 8"  
  
Lucy slowly awoke from her dream. It had been a pleasant  
  
dream, if a little odd for her. She had dreamed of walking  
  
through a large, verdant green cornfield. After a time, she had  
  
found herself standing in front of a small farmhouse. An old  
  
black woman had been on the porch, strumming a guitar. It had  
  
felt strangely right to be there, even though she knew she had  
  
never been even close to a farm in her life. It was in Nebraska,  
  
she thought as she dressed. She wasn't sure how she knew that but  
  
she did. It made her feel better, even though she knew she had no  
  
rational reason for it. I probably just needed the sleep, she  
  
thought. Still, the image hung in her mind as she headed for the  
  
stairwell down to the first floor.  
  
The pleasant scent of sausage and coffee struck her as she  
  
stepped into the living room. She noted as she walked towards the  
  
kitchen that Dr. Ross was curled in a ball on the floor, asleep.  
  
Not Dr. Ross, she reminded herself, Doug. It felt strange. More  
  
than strange, it was wrong. She wondered, as she watched him  
  
clench his fists in his sleep, whether to wake him up or not.  
  
After a moment, she decided against it. He was going to be hung  
  
over and his mood hadn't been that good when he was drunk. It was  
  
probably better to let him sleep, even if he did seem to be  
  
having a bad dream.  
  
" Lucy." Lucy turned at the sound of Jeanie's voice. Jeanie  
  
strode into the room, her expression concerned. She looked as  
  
though she had hurriedly dressed and done little more than finger  
  
comb her hair. She looked around the large room before she  
  
returned her attention to Lucy. " I just woke up. Kerry wasn't in  
  
the room. Have you seen her?"   
  
" Um... no." Lucy forced her sudden panic down. Dr. Weaver  
  
was hardly able to run off even with her crutch, and as for her  
  
psychotic episode, it was just that, an episode. She had  
  
overreacted, she could admit that. It had just been...  
  
surprising. Shocking to see something that violent. Not that she  
  
had any regrets, oh no. Grazed or not, her arm hurt. Walker had  
  
tried to kill her. Whether Dr. Weaver had been in her right mind  
  
was almost moot. When push came to shove, it had been the only  
  
way. Walker had been sick and mentally disturbed. He would have  
  
killed them all, and for nothing. Lucy couldn't find it in her  
  
heart to judge when she had wished the man dead herself. She  
  
brought herself back to the present. Jeanie was looking almost  
  
frantic. " She can't have gone far. Let's check the kitchen."  
  
Because I'm hungry, she almost added, and I;m not running off on  
  
a search without something to eat.  
  
Jeanie nodded after a moment. " Kerry likes to cook." They  
  
walked through the wide double doors together. The large kitchen  
  
was filled with warm smells and Randi was sitting at the table,  
  
plowing her way through a large stack of blueberry pancakes and  
  
thumbing through a cheap mystery novel.   
  
" Hey," Randi said brightly. " There's pancakes in the oven  
  
and sausage on the stove. They are really good." She gestured to  
  
the stove as she spoke.  
  
" Have you seen Dr. Weaver?" Lucy asked quickly. She started  
  
to edge towards the stove. The pancakes smelled delicious and she  
  
was suddenly hungry.  
  
" She made all the food. She's sitting out on the porch with  
  
a cup of coffee." Randi looked the two of them over. It was as if  
  
she suddenly realized something. " She's not acting mental. She's  
  
a little upset over what happened but she seems fine."  
  
Jeanie lost her worried look but only for a moment. " She  
  
told you what happened? Everything?" She was surprised, Lucy  
  
could tell.  
  
Randi shook her head. " She doesn't remember the last couple  
  
of days. I told her what happened. She seemed ok with it. She  
  
also said she was ok with us calling her by her first name." The  
  
last was said nonchalantly and Randi returned to her book.  
  
" You told her what happened? " Jeanie shook her head. Lucy  
  
questioned Randi's judgement too. She hadn't done her psych  
  
rotation but she did have a few psychology courses under her  
  
belt. Not remembering a horrible act was the nice way of saying  
  
repressed memories.  
  
Randi rolled her eyes and glared at them both. " What? We're  
  
gonna pretend she didn't shoot that prick? That nothing happened?  
  
Yeah right. I know that Kovac guy packed a ton of the good psycho  
  
drugs. You planning on giving her Prozac or Thorazine without  
  
telling her why? Like that'd work."  
  
It was a good point, Lucy realized. It wasn't like they  
  
could lie about what the medication was. Dr. Weaver would know  
  
what it was for and demand to know why. They would still have to  
  
tell her. They certainly didn't have the resources for  
  
psychiatric care so extended counseling to get to the bottom of  
  
why she did it was out. It was possible that Randi's approach had  
  
been best. " Did she seem ok otherwise? "  
  
" She was upset." Randi spoke curtly. She gestured to the  
  
porch door. " She's out there. She's been sitting out there for a  
  
half hour. " She shrugged. " She didn't seem to have any sharp  
  
objects."  
  
" That's not funny, " Jeanie said. " She could be suicidal.  
  
She shot and killed a man yesterday."  
  
" And maybe the more we harp on that, the more suicidal she  
  
might get, " Randi snapped. She took a deep breath. " I'm sorry  
  
if you had some sort of special bonding moment arranged around  
  
telling her. I know you're friends, and you probably would have  
  
done a better job than me, but I did what I thought was best. She  
  
seemed ok with it."  
  
For a long moment, Lucy wasn't sure what would happen.  
  
Jeanie was pissed off, to put it mildly. The pretty black woman  
  
had an uncharacteristic expression of anger on her face. Finally  
  
though, she sat down at the table as if suddenly exhausted. "  
  
It's over and done with." She sighed. " Are there any pancakes  
  
left?"  
  
Randi smiled slightly. " There's so many pancakes. Someone  
  
over did it big time. I think there's like three pounds of  
  
sausage too. Its all in the warming oven. I'll get you a plate."  
  
Randi grabbed two plates and went to the stove. The warm scent of  
  
breakfast made Lucy aware of how hungry she was. It had been a  
  
long time since dinner the night before and she was honest enough  
  
to admit that her sandwiches had not been particularly  
  
impressive. The pancakes and fresh muffins smelled delightful.  
  
More to the point, she hadn't eaten a real meal in over ten days.  
  
Jeanie was in the same boat.  
  
Jeanie's watch beeped and Jeanie looked at it in surprise. "  
  
Dammit, " she muttered. " I haven't taken my medication in days.  
  
Do either of you remember where Kovac dumped the medical bags?"  
  
" I think he put them in his bedroom upstairs," Lucy said.  
  
She had sensed that the quiet foreign doctor had been worried  
  
about people, Dr. Ross in particular, doing something self  
  
destructive. Since he couldn't hide the liquor, he had taken the  
  
drug bag. She knew that Jeanie was torn between getting her meds  
  
and checking on Dr. Weaver. " Listen, why don't you get the  
  
medical bag and I'll check on Dr. Weaver."  
  
Jeanie looked at the porch door and then at her watch. " I  
  
really need to get my meds...." Both Lucy and Randi made shooing  
  
motions at her, and Jeanie left. Lucy went over to the stove, and  
  
eyed the fresh muffins. It would be the decent thing to do to  
  
actually walk out onto the porch and check on Dr. Weaver, rather  
  
than just assume that she was all right.   
  
She put a few of the muffins on a plate and stepped out onto  
  
the porch. Dr. Weaver was sitting in one of the wicker chairs,  
  
holding a nearly empty coffee mug. She had the look of someone  
  
that had taken a bad shock. She also didn't seem to notice that  
  
anyone had joined her. " Dr. Weaver?"  
  
Kerry looked at her. To Lucy, she didn't look quite right.  
  
She looked tired, tired and pained. She also didn't seem terribly  
  
interested to see anyone. That seemed more than a little strange.  
  
" Lucy." She spoke the name slowly, as if it had taken a moment  
  
or two to register.  
  
" I thought you might want a muffin." Lucy said hesitantly.  
  
It was creepy, and disturbing to get so little reaction from the  
  
woman. She set the plate of muffins on the small wicker table  
  
that was next to the chair. " Would you like some more coffee?  
  
There's a lot of pancakes and sausage left too."  
  
Kerry looked at the muffins with little interest but perked  
  
up a little at the mention of more coffee. " More coffee would be  
  
nice, thank you." It wasn't quite spoken in a monotone, but her  
  
tone was lifeless and dull.  
  
Lucy poured her a cup, noting that the older woman's hands  
  
shook ever so slightly. She supposed that things could be worse.  
  
Calm, depressed and mildly unresponsive was a lot easier to deal  
  
with than wild, hallucinating and violent behavior. Not that the  
  
situation was wonderful but she thought that at least one problem  
  
was solved. A calm, if depressed and unresponsive, Dr. Weaver  
  
wasn't likely to act out violently. Of course, Lucy thought  
  
suddenly, the only basis I have for that assessment is a few  
  
psych classes and hope. What the heck, she decided suddenly, most  
  
of humanity died this week. Hope isn't going to hurt anything. "  
  
Do you want to talk or something?"  
  
After a long moment, Kerry shook her head. " No, I'm fine."  
  
That was the response Lucy had expected. Dr. Ross's remark  
  
the night before hadn't been very funny, but it was true. " You  
  
know, you don't look fine."  
  
" You know, I don't recall asking your opinion." That was  
  
said with some snap, but no where close to what Lucy knew the  
  
woman was capable of. Kerry glared at her, but it was half  
  
hearted at best. Lucy sensed she was barking more out of habit  
  
than anything else. She sipped her coffee again. " I'm not in a  
  
good mood, Lucy. I want you to leave me alone for a while. "  
  
Do I want to press her, Lucy asked. No, not without some  
  
breakfast first. And not without back up. It's a little too early  
  
and I'm too hungry to try playing shrink. It was probably a job  
  
better left to Jeanie or Carter anyway. " We'll be in the  
  
kitchen, if you need anything."  
  
She re-entered the kitchen and went right to the stove. She  
  
was hungry and she wanted something to eat before the men got up  
  
and dove on the hot food. Three guys and four girls, she mused as  
  
she took a seat, that might not be a good thing. Certainly there  
  
more people alive. They had seen a teen age boy running through  
  
the streets the day before, and there had to be more survivors  
  
out there. She wondered suddenly about her mother, and her long  
  
absent father. Tears came to her eyes but she blinked them away.  
  
There was no use crying, she told herself. She concentrated on  
  
the food. Jeanie was also eating and Randi seemed to be slowing  
  
down. She was still thumbing through her book and drinking  
  
coffee. Jeanie wasn't looking quite so nonchalant but she did  
  
seem a little less tense.  
  
" Is Kerry all right?" Jeanie asked as she dug into her own  
  
plate of food. Like everyone else evidently, Jeanie was hungry. "  
  
I saw you two talking but I didn't want to interrupt."  
  
" She said she wanted to be alone." Lucy said as she poured  
  
syrup on the pancakes. " She seemed pretty um.... unresponsive  
  
and tense. You know, wound up."  
  
" Dr. Weaver tense and wound up, there's something I've  
  
never seen before." Randi drawled.   
  
" That's not funny, Randi." Both Lucy and Jeanie said it at  
  
the same time. Randi started laughing.  
  
" Ok, maybe what I said wasn't funny, but that sure was."  
  
Randi said while chortling. Lucy gave up and smiled too. It  
  
wasn't terribly humorous, none of it, but she sensed that she  
  
couldn't maintain a grim facade for very long. They were alive  
  
after all. They weren't going to die of the flu. Life was going  
  
to move on whether they wanted it to or not.  
  
There was sudden noise in the next room. Jeanie looked up, a  
  
worried expression on her face. " I'm willing to bet that's Doug.  
  
He's not going to wake up happy."  
  
" Not after spending the entire day piss drunk." Randi  
  
added.   
  
At that moment, Doug staggered into the kitchen. He had a  
  
hand to his forehead. His eyes were bloodshot. He looked, Lucy  
  
thought suddenly, like a man devastated by loss. She felt bad for  
  
him, more so than for anyone else in their small group. No one  
  
else, to her knowledge, had a long time partner the way he did.  
  
He and Carol had been together for a long time, even if they  
  
never had married and she certainly couldn't find much fault in  
  
that. Her own mother hadn't even bothered to maintain contact  
  
with her father. Doug and Carol's relationship was stable by  
  
comparison. Doug made his way to the counter and poured himself a  
  
cup of coffee. He sat down at the table with them and looked at  
  
the plates of food. " If I felt better, that would look really  
  
good."  
  
Lucy bit her tongue. She had decided to be tolerant with the  
  
drinking, at least for a few days. The man was grieving. She was  
  
willing to forgive it for a while. From the looks that Randi and  
  
Jeanie had, it looked like that was the position they were going  
  
to take too.  
  
" There's a lot of food here," Jeanie said after a moment. "  
  
I could make you some toast."  
  
" How about a bloody mary?" He said it with a chuckle, but  
  
Lucy suspected he was only semi-joking.  
  
" Cocktail hour isn't until five." Randi said. " I think I  
  
saw some tomato juice though." She stood up and went to the  
  
refrigerator. Lucy was surprised at her low key attitude. Randi  
  
generally wasn't a particularly helpful person at work. Well, she  
  
reasoned, we're not at work, and maybe she's trying to keep  
  
things stable. It wasn't exactly a normal morning for any of  
  
them.  
  
" Excuse me." Lucy turned her head in surprise at the sound  
  
of Dr. Weaver's voice. The older woman stepped into the kitchen,  
  
limping a bit worse than normal. Lucy could feel the tension rise  
  
almost immediately. Kerry still looked more than a little out of  
  
touch and emotionally tired. She moved closer to the table. " Do  
  
any of you know where the aspirin is? I'd like some aspirin. I  
  
have a headache." It was almost said in a monotone.  
  
They all looked at each other. In a normal house, a house  
  
that didn't have over forty rooms, Lucy would expect to find  
  
aspirin in one of the kitchen cabinets, where her mother had kept  
  
it. In the giant, cabinet filled kitchen of the Carter home, she  
  
suspected it would be a wild goose chase. They all looked at each  
  
other, as if that would will a bottle of aspirin to appear on the  
  
table.  
  
Kerry looked at them impatiently. " Is there no aspirin?  
  
Tylonel would be fine."   
  
Lucy dove on that. " I put some Tylonel with codeine in the  
  
drug bag. There's some Vicodin too. We put a lot of painkillers  
  
in there. I'm sure we put some of the milder stuff in there." And  
  
if she had been beat down the way Doug and Jeanie had implied,  
  
something a little heavier might not be a bad idea.  
  
" Where is this bag?" Kerry asked as she started limping  
  
towards the living room door.   
  
Jeanie rose to her feet. " Its upstairs, the first bedroom  
  
on the right but I'll get it for you."  
  
Kerry waived her back down. " I'm not helpless, " she said  
  
irritably. " And you're eating. You should finish while breakfast  
  
is hot. I'll find the aspirin." With that, she left the room.  
  
They sat in silence for a long moment. " Did she eat today?"  
  
Jeanie asked suddenly.  
  
" She had a big plate of pancakes and sausage." Randi said  
  
quickly. She set a glass of tomato juice down in front of Doug. "  
  
I made sure she ate before I told her anything." That was said  
  
with her usual pique. Lucy suspected she was still mad over what  
  
Jeanie had implied earlier, that telling Kerry what happened  
  
might not have been a good idea. Her own opinion on that was  
  
still up in the air.  
  
Doug picked up the glass of juice. He smiled wryly. " Are we  
  
sure its such a good idea to let Dr. Demento there self medicate?  
  
I don't think she's handling things well."  
  
" Well, we did let Dr. Drunk Off His Ass self medicate last  
  
night." Randi retorted.  
  
" Touche," Doug said with a chuckle.  
  
" Doug, she doesn't remember what happened." Jeanie said as  
  
she poured more maple syrup on her pancakes. " Randi told her.  
  
Just judging by how she slept for almost twenty hours, I think  
  
what happened was caused by exhaustion and stress. I really hope,  
  
" and her voice took on a sharp edge of coldness, " that you're  
  
going to remember the fact that we'd all be dead if she hadn't  
  
killed that man before you throw it in her face. "  
  
" Yeah, " Randi said, her eyes twinkling, " and she's really  
  
good with a gun and she doesn't like you very much, Doug."  
  
" That's enough, Randi." Jeanie spoke just as coldly.  
  
" If we can't joke about Dr. Weaver's rampage of killing,  
  
what can we joke about? Dr. Ross drinking Sterno?" Randi shot  
  
back.  
  
" It was scotch, not Sterno." Doug said amiably. That  
  
elicited chuckled from Lucy and Randi, though Jeanie was still  
  
looking stern. It was at that moment that Carter walked in. He  
  
was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and his hair was wet. He was  
  
also clean shaven. He looked like a young man on his way to a fun  
  
day at the beach. Considering that the Carter mansion had lake  
  
front property, they probably could have a beach party.   
  
" Dr. Weaver said she made blueberry pancakes." He trotted  
  
over to the stove and immediately began loading up a plate. " She  
  
looked pretty ragged out. She said she was looking for the drug  
  
bag. What did she want?"  
  
" Aspirin." Lucy said helpfully.  
  
Carter looked at them all with an odd expression. He opened  
  
the cabinet nearest the stove and withdrew a bottle of aspirin. "  
  
Why didn't you just let her have it instead of making her go  
  
upstairs for the drug bag? Did you tell her that Dr. Kovac was  
  
here? The drug bag is in his room. Did it cross anyone's mind  
  
that it might upset her to find some strange man here? Or that it  
  
might upset Dr. Kovac?" He looked at their blank faces.  
  
"Evidently not."  
  
Kerry fumbled with the door handle for a moment before  
  
opening it. It was more than her head that hurt. She ached all  
  
over and the more she thought about everything, the worse she  
  
felt. She walked into the room, noting that there were two  
  
paramedic bags and a large hiker's rucksack. The bed had been  
  
slept in, and she could hear the shower running. It must be  
  
Carter, she mused as she went to the paramedic bags. One was  
  
filled with an assortment of bandages, tubing and various medical  
  
tools. The other was loaded to the brim with bottles of pills,  
  
jars of liquid medication and syringes. She found AZT, morphine,  
  
Prozac and codeine, but no aspirin. She could feel her  
  
frustration growing as she searched. She didn't want a heavy duty  
  
painkiller. She already felt like she was spiralling out of  
  
control. Drugs were only going to make it worse. I just want some  
  
damn aspirin, she thought angrily, and these idiots packed  
  
everything but. She picked up the last bottle, hoping it was the  
  
aspirin or at least regular Tylonel. It was Ritalin. She clenched  
  
it in her fist. What on earth were they thinking, she thought  
  
angrily, they don't bring aspirin but they do bring Ritalin?  
  
" What are you doing?" She jumped at the sound. There was a  
  
man standing in the doorway to the bathroom, a man that was  
  
certainly not Carter. The dark haired, olive skinned man was  
  
wearing nothing but a towel. He seemed more surprised than upset.  
  
Rationally, she knew that he couldn't be a threat. There were  
  
five other people in the house and four of them were people that  
  
had good judgement. Her instincts were another story. She wanted  
  
to run, or at least back up. She held her ground though, and  
  
raised the hand that held the bottle of Ritalin.  
  
" Who are you?" she asked harshly. He held up one of his  
  
hands, the other he kept grasped to the towel around his waist.  
  
He smiled slightly. She could tell he was trying to appease her.  
  
She didn't know if she wanted to buy it.  
  
" I'm Luka Kovac. I'm not going to hurt you.... " He took a  
  
step closer. Her anxiety increased. He was a big man. He gestured  
  
to the drug bag. " Were you looking for something? Maybe some  
  
codeine?"  
  
" I don't want any codeine. I just... I just want some  
  
aspirin." Not only was he making her nervous, she was starting to  
  
get mad. He was pleasant enough but he seemed to think she was  
  
drug hunting and it made her angry. " What are you doing here?"   
  
" Please stay calm, Dr. Weaver." His accent seemed more  
  
pronounced. He took another step towards her. She backed up. She  
  
was painfully conscious of the fact that even if she got out of  
  
the room, he could be at her in a matter of seconds.  
  
" Stay back!" she warned. " Don't come any closer! " She was  
  
panicking and she knew it, but she simply couldn't stop it. A  
  
strange wave of deja vu ran through her and it added to her  
  
panic. I have to get out of here, she decided as a fresh bolt of  
  
fear hit her. She whipped the bottle of ritalin at Kovac. It  
  
struck him in the head. He dropped to his knees, clutching his  
  
forehead. She spun around, to exit the room as fast as she could.  
  
And ran right into Carter. He smiled as he caught her, and  
  
put his arm around her shoulders. " I see you've met Dr. Kovac."  
  
He held up a bottle of aspirin in his free hand. " I guess you  
  
both could use some now."  
  
?? 


	9. Chapter 9

" ER/Stand part 9 "  
  
" I disagree," Carter said easily as he poured himself another cup of coffee. " I think Dr. Weaver had a perfectly normal response to finding a large naked man she didn't know in a very different and unique environment." He sipped his coffee and smiled at the assembled group. " I mean, imagine walking into a bedroom looking for aspirin and having some strange, big guy with nothing on but a towel pop out. I think she had a fairly restrained response. Its not like Luka needed stitches for that cut." Luka found himself nodding along, hoping that the discussion was going to go somewhere. He continued to hold a small square of gauze to his forehead. The group had assembled back in the kitchen to talk, but he suspected it wasn't going anywhere. He watched carefully. It was easy to see that they were all worried, but the question was what they would do. Carter and Jeanie were taking a "wait and see" attitude. Doug seemed more annoyed than worried, though he had made the very good point that it was the second assault the woman had committed in two days. Luka was also starting to see some long running animosities and relationships. Doug and Kerry weren't the best of friends, though exactly why was hard to tell. Carter had a guarded respect for Doug, but there was also a little tension there. Carter and Lucy on the other hand seemed to be at odds. All of them seemed to like and respect Jeanie, and the pretty black woman was the only one he'd peg as a close friend to Kerry. The only oddity was Randi and she appeared to like all of them in a guarded fashion. He forced himself to pay attention as Doug began to speak.  
  
" Yes, " Doug drawled, " Any day where Kerry doesn't gun down someone must be a good day. You did lock the gun cabinet? And where is little miss crazy any way?"   
  
Jeanie pointed her finger at him. She was, Luka could see, very close to losing her temper. " I thought we already discussed how we weren't going to say things like that." He agreed with her on that point. At worst, it would anger someone already not in control. At the very least, it was mean.  
  
Doug waved off her concern, but seemed to get her point. " Where is Kerry right now? Because, Jeanie, in case you missed it, she's acting pretty damn weird."  
  
" The situation is pretty damn weird." Jeanie said after a moment. She leaned back in her chair. " I think we're all acting pretty damn weird, and I agree with Carter. Considering that she had no idea that there was a strange man in the house, I think she acted with reasonable restraint. Besides Doug, what do you want us to do? Tie her up? Drug her? Let her drink herself into a stupor?"  
  
Doug merely looked at her. " Where is she, right now? " He had, Luka realized, a pretty good point. Keeping an eye on the woman was probably the best deterrent they had, and it was probably the only one they would agree on that morning.  
  
Luka watched in interest as Doug rose to his feet and made it a point to look each one of them in the face. He seemed to be struggling to find the right words. Finally he said, " I'm not trying to be the world's biggest bastard left alive. Kerry has had some sort of breakdown. You can justify it all you want, and I'll even agree that he deserved it, but it doesn't change the fact that she killed that man. It doesn't change what he did to her before..." Doug stopped himself. " She's not well. She needs help. If saying that, and suggesting that we might need to protect ourselves makes me the prime bastard then fine. I'll be the prime bastard. Carter, Jeanie, she overreacted. You know she overreacted."  
  
" She was panicking." Carter allowed. " I could tell. She's lying down in my bedroom, by the way. " The young man looked awkwardly at Doug. " What are you suggesting, Dr. Ross? Drugs?"  
  
" It's Doug, Carter." Doug paced around the kitchen. " My suggestion, " he said slowly, " is that one of us go and talk with her and maybe convince her to voluntarily take something for depression. She would be safer. We would be safer."  
  
" That's a very short term solution." Jeanie said after a moment. " And I can't see it working for very long."  
  
" Well, it's not like we can provide long term counseling." Lucy said softly. " Maybe we should run down our other options."  
  
That silenced the group for a long moment. Ok, Luka thought suddenly, that makes me want to vote for voluntary sedation for everyone. He couldn't find it in himself to be angry with them. It was simply frustrating. There simply were not that many options to debate. They could ask her to take some medication. They could force her to take some medication. They could observe her and wait. They could ignore the problem. Or they could debate the issue until the end of time. This was, he mused, a group of people that were too upset by the events of the last two weeks to decide what to eat, let alone make a decision to help someone else.  
  
He watched as Randi leaned back in her chair. She rolled her eyes. " What else can we do? We don't have enough people to keep her under 24 hour watch. And I'd like to see one of you try to force her to take anything. You gonna try that, Doug?" Her words rolled with sarcasm.  
  
Doug put up his hands in mock surrender, a smile on his face. " I think we all know how effective that would be. Jeanie should talk to her."  
  
Jeanie shook her head. " I don't think it'll work and you aren't sticking me with it. I think we just need to be patient."  
  
Luka mentally shook his head. It was like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion. He slipped out of the room, positive that no one would notice, and he was right. He wasn't a part of their group yet, and his presence didn't register. He didn't mind. It took time and he had not yet been with all of them for even twenty four hours. He knew he wasn't the most personable person, he hadn't been since his wife and children were killed. He also wasn't one to dither, especially when there was a potential problem that didn't need to escalate.  
  
He went upstairs. He wasn't trained for psychiatry, but he knew as much any doctor on the subject and he wanted to actually talk to the patient before advocating any sort of treatment, drugs or otherwise. His opinion, based on very little contact, was that he had simply startled someone who was already on edge.  
  
There wasn't much to base a diagnosis on, he thought as he walked down the darkened hallway. He had seen Kerry conscious for perhaps five minutes, before Carter had led her off to his room. She had been frightened, but she hadn't been out to kill him. She had thrown the bottle merely to distract him. It had been a fluke that it had drawn blood, though he could attest that she certainly had thrown it hard. She had turned to go, the act of someone that was afraid, not the act of an irrational woman. He knew which way the wind was blowing with the others and before he went along with drugging someone into a coma, he wanted to actually speak with her.   
  
He knocked on the closed door. " Come in, Carter," was the reply. He slowly opened the door, and looked in. Kerry was sitting at the mahogany desk by the window, with a thick book open. She had a pair of glasses perched on her nose, the sort that had a chain attached. She peered at him over the glasses, a surprisingly stern look, and it made her look a lot older than what he had thought. Her face took on a guarded expression. " Dr. Kovac... I thought... I thought it was Carter. I am sorry about throwing that bottle at you. Is your head all right?"  
  
He smiled and shrugged. " I was more startled than anything. I'm sorry if I startled you." He took a seat on the edge of the unmade bed. He spotted her crutch leaning up against the desk. Yes, he thought, I am definitely out of reach. His eyes met hers, and she followed his glance. Her expression didn't change, but a subtle wariness seemed to come over her. He decided to press forward. " I just thought maybe... we could talk. Get to know each other."  
  
She eyed him carefully. " Really? So you didn't come here to assess my mental status. That's a surprise." She returned to thumbing through the large book. " Today is Sunday, June 24. I'm thirty seven and I am aware that I am currently in John's family mansion. I'm also aware that most of the human race died over the last two weeks. I'm not in enough pain to need anything other than over the counter painkillers." She paused. " Any questions?"  
  
He had many questions. " You don't remember the last few days." It wasn't a question, but he just wanted to confirm it.   
  
" No. I don't remember the last few days." She said it curtly, but her voice shook just a little. That told him more than he had expected. She was upset and exerting a lot of effort to be calm. Maybe a little too much effort.  
  
" What are you reading?" He gestured to the book.  
  
" It's one of John's medical books. On pharmacology." She didn't look at him. " I'm looking up the side effects of the psychotropic drugs you all packed. Prozac is my choice, by the way." She took in his surprised look. " This is an old house and this room's heating ducts lead right into the kitchen."  
  
" They're very worried about you." In a tired, somewhat fuzzy way, he knew that was what was at the heart of their indecision. He had felt their nervous tension, and he had no doubt that each one of them was worried. Even Doug had been concerned and Luka didn't doubt that the man had been concerned with more than just his own personal safety. Deep down, Luka thought their discussion was near hysterical more due to the plague and their own tiredness.   
  
She shrugged. " They're worried that I've gone crazy and might act violent."  
  
" Do you think that's true?" He didn't think that at the moment. She seemed depressed, and bordering between irritated and angry, but she didn't seem insane.  
  
She cocked her head and looked directly at him. " I don't remember the last four days at all. During that time, I killed a man with a level of overkill that managed to shock an ex-con, and I don't remember it. I came upstairs today to find aspirin and I talked to Carter on the stairs. He goes down stairs. I walk into a bedroom, I hear the shower, and I think it must be Carter." She paused, and he could see the embarrassment on her face. " So I panicked, and I shouldn't have, and I know I shouldn't have. There's something wrong and I have to do something about it."  
  
" But you don't want to take any drugs," Luka said softly. He could tell that.  
  
" And we both know that I don't have many options available," she countered. " You aren't a shrink, so we don't have a mental health professional in our group. So there's no therapy option. I could just leave...." and he could suddenly see the fear in her eyes. Oh good, he thought cynically, she's willing to take mood altering drugs not because she thinks it'll help but because she's afraid of being alone. He didn't think, judging by the honest worry and concern of the others, that it was a very rational fear but he could understand. He didn't want to be alone in the new world of corpses and empty cold buildings either.   
  
She pressed on. " I could leave, but I'm not exactly an Olympic athlete, and we're not living in a world of easy access anymore. " She sighed. Her hands shook just a little. " Everyone is under a lot of stress right now. If its going to help keep things calm, I'll take something. I'd rather agree and get some control over it than have Doug Ross try slipping me tranquilizers."  
  
Luka wondered if she understood just how obvious it was that she wanted to be in control. She seemed painfully aware that she hadn't been in control. On the other hand, she was making a decision over the problem, which was about ten times better than what everyone was managing. Plus, whatever her reasoning, it seemed very clear to him that she needed some help maintaining the control. " Are you sure you're ok with Prozac? There is some Effexor here." He had the European distrust of the American wonder drug of choice.  
  
She nodded. " It has the least life threatening side effects. Someone my size could start at 100 mgs, which is what I saw in that bag of yours. I noticed you hid the bag." She gave him an annoyed yet respectful look.  
  
" I put it in the linen closet in the bathroom," he said. " If it helps, you weren't the one I was worried about when I did that." It had been Doug that had concerned him. From what Jeanie had told him, and from what the whole discussion in the kitchen had implied, Kerry wasn't quick to run to the drug counter.   
  
She smiled slightly. " It doesn't help at all, but thank you. " She waited for a moment. " Are you going to get the pills?" She said it as though it was ridiculous for him to do anything otherwise.   
  
He rose and went into his room. After a moment, he found the bottle. There were two hundred pills, enough to get someone well past a crisis. He then turned the water on and poured a glass. Then he went back to Carter's room. As he suspected, she was still there, waiting, her natural impatience showing though she was masking it well. He handed her the glass and the pills. " Are you sure?"  
  
She shook out one of the pills, swallowed it, and then chased it with the water. " It's fine. I'm fine. Why don't you check in with the debate club? After a while, even that bunch is going to start wondering where you went."   
  
?? 


	10. Chapter 10

" ER/Stand part 10 "  
  
She took off her shoes and stood on the sandy beach. The mansion was behind her, and the lake was ahead of her. It was hot, very hot and the air was dripping with humidity. The water looked inviting but she wasn't yet ready for a swim. She stretched, willing the stiffness from her body as she did a full split. She stood and brought herself into a ready stance. Ok, she told herself, you're stiff and you haven't practiced in weeks. Go from Heian shodan to Heian godan and go slowly. She bowed towards the lake and began the kata. Sharp moves, she told herself as she did a forceful downward block and then a lunge punch, that's the key. She loved the simplicity of the Heian katas. She knew more difficult forms, complex forms filled with spins and fancy moves that challenged her, but she knew and accepted that the simpler katas held the basis of the martial art. It pleased her in some strange intrinsic way to move through the forms, each move careful and powerful. She finished the fifth kata, noting with pleasure that she finished in the exact place that she had started. Excellent, she thought as she bowed again.  
  
" Randi." She spun around at the sound of her name. Carter was standing on the tree lined, stone cobble walkway that went from the house to the boat dock and beach pavilion. He was wearing the same shorts and shirt he'd had on that morning, but he looked very dirty. Dirty, hot and sweaty, as if he had been off working hard at a construction site, something she had a hard time picturing. He was almost gaping at her. " Randi, what were you just doing?"  
  
" I was practicing," she said simply. She didn't see the need to explain herself. No one ever showed any interest in her hobbies before. " What are you doing down here?"   
  
He stepped out onto the sand. " I was thinking of maybe doing a little swimming." He sat down near the water's edge, and let the tiny waves lap around his bare feet. Randi could see that he was barely aware of what he was doing. She wasn't surprised. Everyone was in shock to a varying degree. Carter was trying very hard to be strong, but she could see through it. He was pushing too hard to get everything organized. Checking on everyone, making sure that the house was ok. She suspected that his urge to keep everything ordered was a reaction to the chaos. Still, she did wonder what he'd been up to. Carter had never struck her as the manual labor type.  
  
" Why are you so dirty?" she asked as she took a seat beside him.  
  
" I uh.... found our grounds keeper." Carter leaned back. " I buried him. " He laughed a little, and shook his head. " You know, I know my parents must be dead. The news said the flu was popping up on all continents. They were in Switzerland on vacation and even if they are alive, I'll never see them again. My grandparents were on a business trip to England. I'll never see them either and I can't believe that they're alive, but I haven't cried or gotten upset. Not since Peter died. When I found Enrique though, all I could do for almost an hour was cry. I didn't even really like Enrique that much." He smiled. " He would scream at anyone that even looked harsh towards the flower garden. I found him there and I buried him there."  
  
" That's nice though." Randi said after a moment. " He probably would have liked that." She paused. " It's not that strange that you haven't, you know, been upset. I mean, things have been pretty hectic until today. Sometimes you have to put aside how you feel just so you can get through the day." She knew that was how she felt. " You don't have to cry to grieve you know."  
  
" What about you?" He looked at her, concern in his eyes. " You must have family."  
  
" My parents disowned me a long time ago. I'm not even sure where they've been living." It was uncomfortable. She knew that Carter came from an entirely different world than hers, a world of giant homes filled with fancy breakables and nasty gardeners. " I guess they're dead. I don't know how I could check though."  
  
" My folks weren't exactly happy with me either." Carter said after a moment. " They wanted me to take over the family business. Why were your folks mad?"  
  
" I got caught vandalizing a church." She leaned back in the sand. " They were very religious. I wasn't. So they threw me out. Then after a few months, I got caught robbing a liquor store. I shot the store keeper so I went to prison. That didn't make them want to forgive me."  
  
" That's too bad." Carter said softly.  
  
" It was their problem, not mine." She stood up and brushed some of the sand off. " And it can't be changed now. Just like how you can't change what's gone on. Its over and done."  
  
" Time to move on?" Carter asked gently.  
  
" Not move on," she allowed. " Maybe you're not ready for that. I think this whole mess is a lot to move on. Maybe you need to forgive your family. They can't exactly argue with you."  
  
He chuckled. " I guess not. I take it you've forgiven your parents?"  
  
She smiled. " No way. I despised those bastards." She started to laugh. After a second Carter joined her.  
  
" I have another question," he said after their laughter died off. " Why did you shoot the store keeper?"  
  
" He got in my way, and I was a stupid little kid." Randi waved her hand as if it was an obvious conclusion. " I was dumb and I paid the price. I'm just glad I didn't kill him."  
  
" He got in your way..." Carter's voice trailed off. " Maybe we should ask you to take Prozac too. I think we pressured Dr. Weaver into that. I wish she hadn't overheard us."  
  
" You think?" Randi shook her head. She didn't consider Carter to be a clueless individual but it surprised her that he didn't see the obvious. " Carter, we worked her the way a shepherd works his dog. I can't believe you don't see that."  
  
He looked at her quizzically. " What do you mean?"  
  
She was amazed. It seemed incredibly obvious to her. Maybe, she allowed, I've spent more time actually observing these people. Or maybe Carter really is clueless, and I don't feel like explaining it. " I think," she said finally, " that the biggest problem we have isn't Kerry's mental state. She's totally aware that she did something flaky. I'd be more worried about Doug and his newfound attachment to the bottle." And maybe everyone's inability to focus. Not that she was winning any prizes there, she was willing to admit that. In some ways, she was surprised at what a mess everyone was in. That Doug was drinking wasn't a shock, she had seen that tendency in the man a long time ago. Kerry flipping out had been a surprise, but by the time it happened, not much of one. That was a woman that was just a little too dedicated to her job. Randi had predicted some sort of collapse. She also predicted a fairly quick turn around for the woman that probably would not be acknowledged by their companions. Jeanie seemed all right but she was clearly hoping that someone other than herself would take charge of the situation. Lucy was the same way. The new fellow, Kovac, wanted to take charge but he felt like an outsider and didn't think they'd listen to him. She suspected he was right, though she wouldn't have too much of a problem letting him be in charge. She liked how he had handled Weaver. At one point during their discussion earlier that morning, she'd honestly been afraid that they were actually going to try secretly drugging Kerry. That was a plan doomed to failure on a number of levels.   
  
That left her and Carter. With different people, she thought things would be different. To her little group, she was Randi the desk clerk. For the moment she didn't mind. While it was irritating, she had no wish to be in charge and she wasn't yet irritated enough to make an issue of it. I'm no prizewinner for mental health, she thought suddenly. Like everyone else she had been on short sleep rations. She had been plagued by dreams, both good and bad, but startling in their clarity. The good dream was, for her, simply a little odd. She would find herself walking through a lush cornfield. She could hear a woman singing, singing the sort of old time hymns her parents used to bray at their many tent meetings. In the dream, the music pleased her. She would follow it, and find herself standing in a small clearing. There was a farm house there, and sitting on the porch was a very old black woman strumming a guitar. The woman would always smile at her and beckon her forward.  
  
" My, ain't you the dandy?" the woman would say, a smile on her face. There would always be laughter in her voice, the laughter of an elder that didn't necessarily condone, but did understand. " When are you and your friends gonna come visit?" would be her question. It was a question Randi couldn't answer. She felt a certain wanderlust, and after the good dream, she always felt as though she wanted to head to Nebraska. Nebraska, she was certain, was where the old woman was. She wanted to go, but no one else seemed even ready to go to the grocery store. She sensed that it wasn't a crisis for them to leave yet.  
  
The bad dream sometimes led right from the good dream. The sun would set,and Randi would find herself standing in the cornfield. Leaves would rustle, and she would see the glowing red eyes of rats. She would start running, and the corn would magically disappear and she would find herself running along a darkened dirty street. Someone was chasing her and her heart would beat so loudly she thought it would explode.  
  
" Raaaannndi!" It was always a man's voice and it scared her. " I want you, Randi. You belong here with me. Everything about you just screams that, from your slutty little outfits to your very name. Come on Randi!" She would feel his cold, ice cold hands on her shoulders. He would spin her around and she would look into his face, but there was no face to see, merely a black gaping hole with glowing red eyes. On one occasion she'd woken up breathing as though she'd just finished running a mile.  
  
" Randi?" Carter's voice held a touch of concern. He gently touched her shoulder. " You went away there for a moment."  
  
She shrugged. Getting lost in thought was probably a sign of how screwed up she was. " I'm still tired I suppose." Carter was the sort that worried too much. She'd seen that from working with him. He worried about what people thought, he worried about doing the right thing. And he felt guilty over things that just couldn't be helped. He also had a tendency to lie, but that had a certain amusement value to her since he lied so badly. A good sort, but not the person she really wanted to be the boss of her. She gestured to the water. " Still want to swim? Where is everyone else anyway?"  
  
" Mostly sleeping." Carter replied. " Doug was drinking beer on the porch. Kovac was reading a book. Lucy and Jeanie were napping. Kerry was fooling in the kitchen with something but I think I convinced her to lie down for a while in the family living room. And yes, I still want a swim. You?"  
  
" Its getting hot so yeah. Go on, I'll join you." She watched appreciatively as he stripped off his shirt and waded out into the water. Nice, she thought as she unbutton her blouse. She took off her shorts, noting Carter's somewhat surprised look as she waded into the water wearing only her underwear. Did he really think I was going to walk back to the house for a suit, she wondered with amusement as she dove under the water. " The water's great."  
  
" Um....yeah." Carter's face was just a little pink. She smiled at him, watching as he got darker. " So, uh...what were you doing on the beach? It looked like a dance."  
  
" I was practicing shotokan karate kata. I have a third degree black belt." She ducked into the water and then popped back up to the surface.  
  
" I didn't know you were a black belt." Carter said after a moment. " You never said anything."  
  
" You never asked."   
  
?? 


	11. Chapter 11

" ER/Stand part 11"  
  
It wasn't that she was hungry, no. Between her own nerves and the Prozac, her appetite was non existent. She just wanted something to do. She had tried lying down, when Carter had suggested it but it hadn't worked. She had tossed and turned on the soft leather couch for almost an hour. She hadn't been able to find a position that didn't make her hurt. In truth, she was regretting her insistence on not taking anything too strong. Her head hurt badly, and the rest of her wasn't far behind. Her entire body was turning a variation of black and blue. There were a lot of bruises, a lot of suspicious bruises but try as she might, she still didn't remember anything. Nothing at all. The only plus to the Prozac, she mused darkly as she peered into the oven, is that I can't seem to get that upset over it.   
  
She sighed as she poked the loaves of bread. She didn't like how she felt, all fuzzy and detached and disconnected. The bread should be done in an hour, she thought as she carefully straightened up, just in time for dinner. Dinner was roast chicken, mashed potatoes and tossed salad, with a peach pie for desert. She figured that everyone could use a good meal, considering how they had demolished all of the pancakes that morning. Plus, the food was going to go bad if they didn't eat it. The electricity wasn't going to last forever. And cooking made her feel better.   
  
That everyone thought she had mentally destabilized didn't make her feel better. It was humiliating, all the more humiliating because it was true. I went crazy, she thought as she started to set the kitchen table, and I might still be unstable. It was unnerving. She didn't feel crazy, though she knew that was hardly a diagnostic tool. Every real psychotic she'd ever known had never considered themselves crazy. She sighed again.  
  
The door opened. She jumped and spun around, only to see Doug. He was holding several brown paper bags. He grinned at her. " Hi honey bunch. You don't have dinner ready and waiting for me?" He set the bags on the counter and started unpacking. " You're slipping, dear. I expect dinner on the table as soon as I walk through that door."  
  
" Bite me," she muttered as she set out the monogrammed silverware.  
  
" Well I see your mood is being sufficiently altered." Doug chuckled. He started putting things away. She noticed that he had picked up mostly canned goods and boxes and bags of heavily salted snacks. " Here, " he said bruskly as he handed her a small sack. " I know you aren't feeling well. I thought you liked Chips Ahoy cookies so I picked some up for you."  
  
It was, Kerry realized with detached surprise, a surprisingly nice thing for him to do. She didn't think he had meant anything other than his usual disdain for her by his remarks both earlier in the day and just then. It had hurt, more than she ever intended to admit, but she sensed his presentation of snack treats was an apology of sorts. " Thank you, " she said softly.  
  
" You don't look good, Kerry," he said as he walked over to the large double door refrigerator. He withdrew a can of imported beer and cracked it open. He gestured to the bank of stoves. " You haven't been in here screwing around all afternoon have you? You're still tired. I can see it."  
  
" I tried to sleep but I couldn't." She didn't want to get into it with him. She hadn't been able to sleep because she was in pain. She knew that anxiety and insomnia were side effects of Prozac, among many others, but she knew she hadn't had enough for it to be the problem.   
  
" It's probably not the Prozac," Doug said as he poked around the various stoves, evidently no longer interested in putting away his various stores. " You were lucky. In case you haven't taken a look at yourself in a mirror, you're covered in bruises. I examined you yesterday and I was surprised you were able to get out of bed this morning without some morphine." He gestured to the hot stove. " Is that fresh bread?"  
  
" Yes, its fresh bread. Everything here was stale." She felt oddly unsettled by his words. " You examined me? " She didn't remember that either. Again, she found herself wondering if the reason she wasn't quite able to get angry was because of the drug, or if she was just too tired, or if that was just how she felt. She didn't like the eerie second guessing of her feelings. She knew instinctively that the notion of Doug Ross examining her was something she should find creepy, but instead she felt... detached.  
  
He chuckled again. " I asked you, and you agreed. I know you don't want to hear this again, but you were pretty out of it. Don't be so paranoid. I'm a doctor. You were hurt and you weren't acting particularly rational. I got you to lie down on an exam table and I checked you out. Then I gave you some Haldol because you were completely incapable of acting normal without some sleep. I think, in a similar situation, that you'd do the same for me. "  
  
" I guess I owe you one." She limped over to the stove and started to take the loaves of bread out of the oven. Out of all of the people that had survived, it would figure that she would end up indebted to Doug. No wonder I snapped, she mused.  
  
Doug watched with interest as Kerry pulled the hot loaves of bread out of the oven and set them on the counter to cool. She's definitely zonked out of her skull, he decided. He'd done everything but call her names and it had hardly touched her. He didn't like it. It could just be that she's tired, he thought, but if she's still like that after a week, we better cut the dose. It was a little unnerving to push her and not get the obligatory rise. Not just unnerving, but simply wrong.  
  
He sipped his beer as he watched her move around the kitchen. He had always suspected that she had some womanly traits. Being a good cook wasn't necessarily a woman's job, he knew Carol would have chided him for thinking such a thing, but he couldn't help it. It was just how he thought. Women should be able to cook well. His mother could cook and bake like a master. Carol could turn almost anything into a tasty meal. It pleased him in some way to see a woman, even Kerry, bustling around a kitchen preparing a meal. Admit it Doug, he told himself cheerfully, you're just a sexist pig.  
  
" It smells pretty good," he said after a moment. It didn't hurt him to compliment food, he decided. He had no doubt that Kerry was feeling low. He could be nice. He didn't think that the Prozac was letting her feel enough to provoke any sort of wild rage, and he knew he wasn't going to push her buttons. At least not intentionally, he allowed.   
  
" It'll be done in a half hour. " He was surprised to see her limp to the table, leaving her crutch leaning up against the counter. He'd seen her walk without her crutch before, but only at work and never without a hand on a stretcher or a wall. She was carrying plates in her hands, and she limped badly. It made him feel suddenly guilty.  
  
" Do you want some help?" He knew it would irk her a bit but it went against the few manners he possessed to let her do all of the dinner preparations.  
  
She frowned at him. " I'm not helpless, Doug. I've set tables by myself before." After a moment though, her anger seemed to fade away. " I can't reach the water glasses."  
  
" I will get them." Creepy, he thought as he opened the high cabinet doors. She looked ok, and was acting ok, well enough that Kovac would deem her normal, but she was out of it. Ah well, he thought as he set the glasses down onto the counter, we had to do something. Once things get settled, he thought, she'll be all right. She just needs a little time.   
  
And a lower dose. He grabbed her just as she spiralled towards the floor. " Careful..." In seconds he had her seated in one of the chairs with her head between her legs. " You think its the medication or the concussion causing the dizziness?"  
  
" The concussion," was her immediate if muffled response. " It can take weeks for adverse side affects to show up." She raised her head after a long moment and blinked. " It... it's been bothering me a little. The dizziness, I mean."  
  
He wondered if she was being honest. " You do realize that under normal circumstances you'd be in a hospital, right? Maybe you should take it easy."  
  
" Doug, under normal circumstances we wouldn't be caught in the same room together. As for a hospital, " she laughed just a little, " I think we can safely assume it'll be a damn long time before there's even enough people to warrant having a hospital. Things have changed. "  
  
He drew back almost as if she'd slapped his face. For someone who had been acting irrational, she had just coolly and logically stated the bald faced facts, facts he hadn't wanted to think about. It wasn't just that people had died. Things were different. Life had changed in a fundamental way for all of them. She was right, he realized suddenly. Unbidden, images of Carol and Mark came to him. He shook off the unwanted thoughts as he slowly stood. I really want a drink. He'd kept his distance from the heavy liquor all day but suddenly he craved something strong. Not now, he told himself, but definitely later.  
  
He picked up her crutch and set it next to her. " Don't get up unless you have to and stop fooling with dinner. You need to give your body a break. From what Jeanie said, you hardly ate for a week, you didn't sleep, and you're hurt. You're not helping this situation at all by abusing yourself. At the very least, use your damn crutch when you're walking. It might help prevent you from falling."  
  
Her eyes lit up with anger. Through gritted teeth, she growled, " Is that your best medical opinion? Or is that just the beer talking?"  
  
" Go to hell." He stomped out. She can have a fit on the floor for all I care. I need a drink. It wouldn't be long until the sun set, and he needed something. Something to help him sleep. The bad dreams, dreams of a dark faceless man beckoning him with threats, taunts and promises, were starting to get to him. I need a drink, he thought as he walked over to the bar, or else Kerry'll be on the receiving end of her own damn nervous breakdown.  
  
?? 


	12. Chapter 12

" ER/Stand 12"  
  
It was getting dark. Luka stood on the porch, a coffee in  
  
hand. He watched as the sun set, noticing with worry that the  
  
dark black clouds of burning fires seemed to be closer. The west  
  
side had been smoldering ever since the riots had started and it  
  
had flared up again over the past few days. We need to do  
  
something, he thought again, I just don't know what.  
  
It had been four days since they had retreated to Carter's  
  
home. Aside from an occasional excursion to grocery stores, they  
  
hadn't left. It was some much needed rest for all of them, and he  
  
knew it had been needed. Oh sure, he wasn't in too bad of shape  
  
himself. He had hidden himself away during the worst of the  
  
crisis, and he knew that his calmer mental state was due partly  
  
to that. His companions had improved markedly and that was going  
  
to make it a lot easier to bring up the issue of doing something  
  
about their current living conditions.  
  
He still wasn't entirely sure if he really wanted to stay  
  
with his newfound companions. If he prodded them into leaving,  
  
the way he was considering, it obligated him to go with them. It  
  
was a serious obligation, one he didn't intend to take up  
  
lightly. He had spent the better of the day trying to make a  
  
decision and he still wasn't quite sure. I have to do it soon, he  
  
thought as he sipped his coffee. If you aren't going to stay, he  
  
told himself, then you need to pack your rucksack and go. A clean  
  
break was best for everyone.  
  
The sun slowly dropped below the horizon. I don't want to  
  
leave these people, he thought suddenly. It was a gut reaction  
  
and he had no intelligent or even well thought out reason to back  
  
it up. From a strictly survival stand point, it was a horrible  
  
group. Their best skill, medical knowledge, was something he  
  
already possessed. Aside from that, they weren't a group filled  
  
to the brim with positive traits. One was HIV positive. One was  
  
on his way to a serious drinking problem. And one was not only  
  
physically disabled, but also having some serious mental issues.  
  
Out of the remaining three, Lucy was pleasant and eager to please  
  
and somehow managed to make a mess out of everything. Carter was  
  
trying, and Randi seemed to view the situation with a cross  
  
between irritation at the inconvenience and a sort of underlying  
  
amusement. In many, many ways, they were trouble, and yet he  
  
wanted to stay. Luka, a small voice that sounded more than a  
  
little like his long dead wife, trust yourself. You want to stay,  
  
so stay. There must be a reason, and you'll find it.  
  
The porch was dark, but the gentle glow of kerosene lanterns  
  
shone through the windows. He could see people moving inside.  
  
Dinner had been a half hour earlier and while they weren't much  
  
for evening activities, he wanted to talk before Doug got too  
  
drunk. The day time drinking had eased off, he gave the man  
  
credit for that, but Doug had drunk himself into oblivion the  
  
last four nights. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't very helpful.  
  
He sighed heavily. It wasn't going to be a fun night.  
  
The screen door squeaked as it opened. He turned around,  
  
startled by the noise. No one had seemed interested in joining  
  
him for coffee. Generally no one seemed interested in having much  
  
to do with him at all. It wasn't dislike on their part, it was  
  
more a sort of inability to reach out. Everyone, and he included  
  
himself in that assessment, was emotionally tired. Making friends  
  
with the new guy was far down the list. He was willing to admit  
  
that he just didn't feel up to conversation a lot of the time.  
  
It was Kerry, and that pleased him on several levels. She  
  
had kept very much to herself over the last few days. He wasn't  
  
surprised. It was obvious that she was tired, and upset, and  
  
embarrassed, and he had no doubts that she would be barely  
  
functional without the medication. It worried him that she hadn't  
  
really spoken to anyone over anything that had happened. It was a  
  
sign of withdrawal, a withdrawal from the situation that, all  
  
things considered could precipitate a withdrawal from reality.  
  
Judging by what the rest had said about her normal personality,  
  
and by his own conversation with her before they had started with  
  
the medication, he was starting to think she might be over  
  
medicated. Doug had come right out and said it a day earlier, but  
  
Luka didn't put much credence to a diagnosis that started with "  
  
I know I'm pretty drunk but...." and ended with, " and that'd  
  
normally bring out her raving bitch side in under ten seconds,  
  
max." Still, it said something about her condition that Doug,  
  
who seemed to greatly enjoy sniping at her, was worried.  
  
" Kerry, " he softly. She did look and act very subdued, but  
  
it seemed wrong of him to judge when no one was jumping for joy  
  
at the situation. She was holding a cup of coffee in one hand,  
  
and he idly hoped that she was drinking decaf. She didn't look  
  
like she'd been sleeping well. Not that I have so much to brag  
  
about, he thought as a slight smile came across his face. I  
  
hardly slept a wink last night because of bad dreams and I'm  
  
still drinking the good stuff.  
  
" Luka. " She blinked. Then she stepped forward, as if she  
  
suddenly remembered what she had come out there for. " There's  
  
desert if you want it. Ice cream. John doesn't think the power  
  
will last through the night so we were going to eat the ice  
  
cream." She sipped her coffee.  
  
" No more ice cream..." He sighed again, his memories of the  
  
war coming back to him. His children had loved ice cream, to the  
  
point that they could gorge on it all day. He shook off the  
  
thought. That was a different world, he told himself, and a  
  
different time and you won't do yourself any good by wallowing in  
  
memories. " Any vanilla?"  
  
" French and regular. And chocolate." She smiled slightly.  
  
I'm more of a chocolate fan. I don't know what I'll miss more,  
  
chocolate ice cream or bananas. "  
  
" I forgot... no more bananas." He wasn't that fond of them  
  
but he got the point. " Kerry, listen, about the medication...  
  
How are you doing with it? Side effects? That sort of thing? " It  
  
was hard to politely say, " Do you think you've been zombified?"  
  
She shook her head. " It's fine. I'm fine. I haven't noticed  
  
any side effects." A wary look crossed her face. He mentally  
  
sighed. He doubted that she would mention side effects or  
  
continued mental issues. Kerry was the sort that thoroughly  
  
understood the stigma of poor mental health. It didn't help that  
  
she had heard some of their remarks, both at their impromptu  
  
meeting and some that had been made after.  
  
" Is it helping? If its not helping, we can try something  
  
else." That was what worried him. If it wasn't helping her, then  
  
there was no point in her taking it. Much as he had thought  
  
before, he wasn't physically afraid of a disabled woman half his  
  
size. Her unstable period seemed to have passed, and he was fully  
  
convinced that Captain Walker had deserved the many shots to the  
  
back and head. " Doug seemed to think that you were over  
  
medicated. "  
  
" How drunk was he?" Her tone was matter of fact. She  
  
stepped closer. " He's not generally a drunk you know. He lost  
  
someone. Someone that was pretty special to him." She smiled  
  
pensively as she sipped her coffee. " I guess, in the back of my  
  
mind, I always thought they'd get married." She shook her head,  
  
still smiling. " I somehow saw them running off together, and  
  
coming back with silly grins on their faces, full of stories of  
  
how they were married by some Elvis impersonator in Vegas. And  
  
now she's dead."  
  
" My father had something he used to say," Luka started. "  
  
The only thing we really know about life is that at the end,  
  
everybody dies."  
  
She laughed. Or rather she chuckled, but he was glad to see  
  
someone laugh. They had all been decidedly serious the last few  
  
days. " Doug is a good man. We don't get along well." She  
  
gestured with the hand that she held the coffee mug in. " I think  
  
its pretty obvious we don't get along. He'll get past this, but  
  
it'll take time. It's a hard blow... loosing someone that close."  
  
She looked at him, a surprisingly piercing look, and seemed ready  
  
to say something more, but stopped herself. " There's plenty of  
  
ice cream anyway." With that, she turned around and went back  
  
into the house.  
  
He followed her after a moment. There was no reason to wait,  
  
and perhaps ice cream would keep everyone calm and focused. That  
  
would certainly be a switch.  
  
The ice cream was delicious. It was up to the usual Carter  
  
standard of quality, one of those Italian brands that he  
  
remembered from Europe. He didn't even think it was sold in the  
  
States. No one seemed too tired to concentrate, which was a  
  
rarity. Doug was drinking a beer, but that wasn't a concern. It  
  
was usually a little later in the evening that Doug would go  
  
after the harder stuff. Luka suspected he was having trouble  
  
sleeping, which didn't seem to be a rarity in their group. He  
  
hadn't slept well himself and the night before, while pacing in  
  
the hallway, he had heard Jeanie tossing and turning, and he  
  
considered her the most laid back and calm in the group. Of  
  
course that didn't mean she wasn't prone to nightmares, but it  
  
worried him. Lucy and Randi were chatting about clothes. Randi  
  
had definite opinions and evidently viewed Lucy's look as  
  
"dowdy". Luka rather liked the young woman's somewhat  
  
conservative look, conservative compared to Randi anyway. I'm  
  
just old fashioned, he decided as he averted his gaze from  
  
Randi's revealing top. It wasn't a new way of dressing either.  
  
Carter and Doug were too comfortable with it. Kerry was twirling  
  
ice cream around in her bowl. She didn't seem to be eating, which  
  
was starting to worry him. Lack of appetite was a side effect of  
  
Prozac, and it wasn't like the woman was overweight by any means.  
  
And, he thought suddenly, she never did say whether she thought  
  
was over medicated. Carter was leaning back on the couch beside  
  
her, his dish of ice cream long gone. For a group of people that  
  
had been highly stressed, they all seemed pretty relaxed. That's  
  
a plus, Luka thought.  
  
He leaned forward in his easy chair. " Listen, I think we  
  
need to talk about what we're going to do. We can't just stay  
  
here forever. I mean, this is a pretty nice house but come  
  
winter, its going to be a little cold." Not that he knew that. He  
  
usually left for Louisiana as soon as the weather started to  
  
turn, the plus to the life of being a doctor temp.  
  
" And there's all the... all the bodies." Carter added. "  
  
There's a disease issue. Cholera comes to mind. And typhoid."  
  
" And mutant strains of the superflu." Kerry said softly.  
  
Luka was surprised that she joined the discussion but he realized  
  
that she had a point. " Not to mention some old favorites like  
  
bubonic plague. And then there's animal borne diseases. With  
  
humanity out of the top place on the food chain, we're going to  
  
see an explosion in the animal populations. Rats for starters,  
  
have a lot more food available," her voice caught a little there,  
  
" and rats carry disease." There was a long silence after she  
  
finished.  
  
" That's such a charming thought, Kerry." Doug chuckled. "  
  
Is this what you've been thinking about? The rat population?"  
  
Luka saw anger flare across her face, but it faded after a  
  
second. He looked at everyone else. They clearly expected more of  
  
an argument but instead, Kerry simply leaned back on the couch.  
  
Her quiet abdication seemed to startle Doug and surprise the rest  
  
of them. Luka wished he knew her better, because it just didn't  
  
seem that odd that she didn't want to fight. Perhaps the most  
  
disconcerting thing was that she had made a very good point.  
  
He set down his ice cream dish down, letting it bang a  
  
little to regain everyone's attention. " Disease is a problem.  
  
So is the fact that the city is burning down. That's not going to  
  
stop until it rains. "  
  
" What about other people?" Jeanie asked. She caught his  
  
eye, as if agreeing that they needed to keep the discussion  
  
moving. " We're not the only ones left alive in Chicago. We've  
  
all heard the gunfire."  
  
" I don't think I want to know the people that are  
  
shooting." Lucy smiled as she spoke but her tone was serious. She  
  
looked a little more together than when Luka had met her, but he  
  
still wasn't taken with her. She was just so young, and maybe  
  
just a little too naive.  
  
" But that's Luka's point." Jeanie pressed. " This may not  
  
be the safest place to be and we need to start thinking about how  
  
we're going to live. It's going to be pretty cold this winter  
  
without electrical heat and its pretty damn hot here without air  
  
conditioning. Stop and think a minute. This heat is not helping  
  
preserve all of the corpses. If we stick around we are risking  
  
illness at the very least. "  
  
" But where do we go? " Carter spoke as if it was a  
  
rhetorical question. Judging by his tone, Luka suspected he had  
  
something in mind. The younger man waited a long moment, and then  
  
gestured expansively around the room. " I know this might be a  
  
shock, but this isn't the only house my family owns."  
  
Randi shook her head. " I don't think visiting the small  
  
tropical island paradise where the Carters are worshipped like  
  
gods is entirely practical."  
  
Everyone laughed. Carter took it fairly well. He waited  
  
until the laughter died off to continue. " I meant, " he said  
  
good naturedly, " that we could go to the hunting lodge."  
  
" The hunting lodge?" Doug snickered. " We have the mansion,  
  
the tropical island, the hunting lodge.... What else? The bomb  
  
shelter and the thoroughbred horse farm?"  
  
Carter smiled. " We have several thoroughbred horse farms.  
  
We even had a few horses at the hunting lodge. It has a bomb  
  
shelter too. We believe in being prepared or at least my  
  
grandfather did. He was a little paranoid on the subject  
  
actually. The hunting lodge is very self sufficient. It has its  
  
own generator, lots of solar power gadgets, lots of tasty animals  
  
to shoot, and its pretty isolated. My grandfather said it was our  
  
place to ride out a crisis." He smiled sheepishly. " I guess this  
  
is an official crisis."  
  
" So where is this hunting lodge?" Jeanie asked.  
  
" In Colorado." Carter got up and strode over to the  
  
bookshelves. He returned with a large atlas. He opened it on the  
  
coffee table. Everyone gathered around. Carter's face grew  
  
animated as he pointed to a dot that represented a town in the  
  
Rockies. " It's really not that far. We could be there in a  
  
couple of days if the roads were clear. It'd be nice and cool for  
  
the summer."  
  
" The roads are terrible though." Lucy said. " Come on, you  
  
guys remember the drive here. We were lucky to get the cars  
  
through."  
  
Luka held up his hand. " That's not really a problem.  
  
Motorcycles would be fine." It was something he had already  
  
thought about. He wasn't fond of motorcycles but they were a good  
  
way to get around blocked roads and there were surely going to be  
  
roads blocked.  
  
He noted with pleasure that almost everyone seemed to be  
  
interested and in agreement. " So do we all want to go there?  
  
Anyone have any other suggestions?" He noted with interest that  
  
Randi looked liked she wanted to say something, but after a  
  
moment she leaned back in her seat. " Anything?"  
  
Kerry raised her hand hesitantly, her face blotched with  
  
red. She was angry or embarrassed, it was hard to tell. He hoped  
  
it was embarrassment. Carter had told him that her temper was  
  
quite brutal and judging by the sudden worried looks on their  
  
faces, everyone was in agreement on that point. She lowered her  
  
hand as soon as he acknowledged her. " You realize, " she said  
  
curtly, " that there's no way I can ride a motorcycle for ten  
  
minutes, let alone over five hundred miles. You need full use of  
  
both legs to maintain balance on the turns and stopping. I don't  
  
have full use. Even riding behind one of you wouldn't work. Its  
  
painful. I can't even drive for long periods of time."  
  
Both anger and embarrassment, Luka realized. Embarrassment  
  
from having to admit to being incapable of a task, and anger that  
  
they didn't think about her problems ahead of time. It had never  
  
occurred to him that she'd have problems with a motorbike, but  
  
then he didn't know exactly what was wrong with her. " All right,  
  
" he said easily, " that's not impossible. We're not in a hurry.  
  
What about a truck or a jeep?"  
  
" I can't drive a stick shift either." Kerry said. " There's  
  
too many pedals. It would need to be an automatic."  
  
Doug started to laugh. " Any other requests? Is a cd player  
  
a vital necessity too?"  
  
Luka tensed as Kerry rose to her feet. Now there was no  
  
mistaking the fact that she was pissed off. " Doug, " she said  
  
calmly, but coldly, " If you think I'm enjoying this, you are  
  
sadly mistaken." Her eyes blazed, and she started stomping away.  
  
" I really could care less where we go or how. Just let me know  
  
when you all make a damn decision." With that, she left the room.  
  
There was silence. " Well, " Carter said finally, " are we  
  
all agreed on Colorado?" Everyone nodded, though it seemed  
  
desultory to Luka. Carter seemed emboldened by the general  
  
acceptance. " Then tomorrow we'll go looking for vehicles and  
  
supplies. "  
  
Wonderful, Luka thought, we made a decision and no one got  
  
slapped. 


	13. Chapter 13

" ER/Stand part 13 "  
  
It was a much nicer car lot than Jeanie had ever shopped at  
  
before. She had to hand it to Carter, he certainly had good  
  
taste. She looked over the vast lot, wondering just how many cars  
  
there were. How about a BMW, she asked herself as she ran her  
  
hand over the bright red hood of a convertible. I always wanted a  
  
BMW, but that wasn't the most practical of vehicles. The roads  
  
were a mess. It couldn't be denied. She had doubts as to whether  
  
a truck or jeep was even going to be feasible in the long run.  
  
She also wished that one of the men had stayed in the truck lot.  
  
She wasn't a car person and she didn't pretend to know very much  
  
about them.  
  
The men, and Lucy, were off in the motorcycle lot that was  
  
connected to the car lot. She could hear them revving up engines  
  
already. She would have preferred to have gone with them, but  
  
that would have meant leaving Kerry alone with Randi and she  
  
questioned whether that was a good idea. Not that she didn't  
  
think Randi was a nice person, no. She just didn't consider the  
  
younger woman particularly responsible.  
  
It hurt to think it, but she didn't think Kerry was  
  
particularly responsible either. Kerry had suffered a breakdown  
  
of notable proportions. I'm not being cruel, Jeanie told herself  
  
as she watched Kerry and Randi kick the tires of a nearby Porshe.  
  
She understand that something horrible had happened, something  
  
that shook her to the very core of her being each time she saw  
  
another corpse lying out in the open, like the one lying next to  
  
the Porshe that Randi idly kicked out of the way as they walked  
  
by. It shook her every minute of every day. If I feel this way,  
  
she reasoned, then Kerry couldn't be expected to do much better  
  
considering what had happened. Still, it wasn't normal to  
  
completely repress a memory, even a horrific memory. She had  
  
asked Kerry about it that morning, as they prepared for the day  
  
long supply seeking excursion, but Kerry had brushed her off with  
  
a few mild words.  
  
The better living through chemistry version of her friend  
  
was also starting to concern Jeanie. It wasn't normal to watch  
  
Doug Ross score points off Kerry with such little reaction. She  
  
knew part of that was sympathy on Kerry's part. Doug was grieving  
  
and his drinking and cutting remarks were due to that. His moods  
  
were on a pendulum. One minute he was a caring sensitive man  
  
filled with good humor and good ideas, the man Jeanie knew. Then,  
  
it would swing the other way, and not only would he be  
  
surprisingly cruel but also quiet and depressed. Jeanie knew that  
  
Kerry would take a lot from Doug under the circumstances. Carol  
  
had been a strong force in Doug's life, the force that kept him  
  
from spiralling down into self destructive behavior. What worried  
  
Jeanie wasn't the fact that Kerry didn't snipe back at the man,  
  
it was that it didn't seem to be provoking any reaction at all. I  
  
didn't like this drug therapy idea to begin with, she thought  
  
darkly, and the only thing it's doing is letting us ignore the  
  
problem.  
  
" We need something big, not a sports car," Jeanie called as  
  
she trotted to catch up to the two other women. Randi and Kerry  
  
were poking about a snazzy looking black Ferrari convertible.  
  
" Jeez, we're just looking, Mom." Randi retorted. She  
  
gestured to the row of trucks and SUVs off in the distance. " We  
  
were waiting for you to catch up and this just caught our eye."  
  
" You know, I couldn't afford this even on a private  
  
practice doctor's salary," Kerry said as she ran her hands around  
  
the steering wheel. She smiled. " You know, I really don't feel  
  
up to walking all the way over there."  
  
" And you really shouldn't." Randi intoned as she jumped  
  
into the front passenger seat. " After all, you wouldn't want to  
  
strain yourself."  
  
" Maybe.... maybe we should drive over there. I mean, we do  
  
have a car right here. It would be almost wasteful to walk." Both  
  
Kerry and Randi shook from suppressed laughter as Jeanie rolled  
  
her eyes at them.  
  
She got into the back seat, enjoying the moment but still  
  
feeling the need to be realistic. " We don't have keys for this  
  
thing." In fact, once they picked a truck or jeep, one of them  
  
would have to trot back to the main office and find the keys. "  
  
And it's a stick shift."  
  
Kerry waved her hand in disagreement as if Jeanie was the  
  
one being perfectly ridiculous. " We're driving around a parking  
  
lot. It's not going to leave first gear. And its not like we  
  
really need keys." She reached under the wheel and pulled out  
  
some wires. In seconds, the engine turned over. She noticed their  
  
looks of surprise. " What? Don't tell me you've never seen  
  
someone hot wire a car. I might think that of Jeanie but I'm sure  
  
you've seen it once or twice, Randi."  
  
" I hate to ask where you picked up that job skill, Dr.  
  
Weaver." Randi said with a laugh as the car started to roll.  
  
" I said you could call me Kerry, and I picked that  
  
particular job skill up in a Rhodesian mercenary camp." Kerry  
  
revved the engine as they tooled around the lot. Jeanie could  
  
hear the gears straining. It wasn't a car that was meant to stay  
  
in first gear.  
  
" Where is Rhodesia anyway? " Randi asked after a moment.  
  
Jeanie had to admit, she was curious too, though she assumed it  
  
was in Africa.  
  
" At last check, I think it was being called Zimbabwe."  
  
Kerry stopped the car in front of a row of trucks. " I'd prefer a  
  
truck to a jeep. They're more solidly built. The only real  
  
requirement though is that it's an automatic. " She smiled  
  
suddenly. " A cd player would be nice though."  
  
They spread out among the trucks. Even the trucks were high  
  
end, Jeanie thought as she glanced into one and spotted leather  
  
seats. They all seemed to have cd players, though precious few  
  
were automatic drive. She found a few possibles and mentally  
  
noted them as she heard Randi call out excitedly. She trotted  
  
around the lot, finding Randi standing in front of a truck.  
  
" This is it!" Randi said. She pointed to the various  
  
features. " Its an automatic, it has four wheel drive and there's  
  
a cd player."  
  
Jeanie looked over the truck. She wasn't a car person but it  
  
looked like a good fit for what they needed. She could do without  
  
the bright red color but the heavy grill and winch on the front  
  
made up for it. Kerry seemed to approve too, which was a plus  
  
since she would be the one primarily driving it. Jeanie reached  
  
up to open it but the door was locked. She looked inside through  
  
the window. There was a cd player, along with a very fancy  
  
looking cb radio. It was a dual cab truck too, which was nice.  
  
Jeanie didn't relish the notion of riding on a motorcycle for  
  
days on end. " It's locked Randi."  
  
Randi held up a piece of flat, flexible piece of steel. She  
  
slid it down the truck window into the door. In seconds, the door  
  
clicked open. " I didn't spend four years in Joliet Women's  
  
Prison without picking up some useful skills. I don't recommend  
  
hot wiring though."  
  
" It's a little big, but it'll do." Kerry said. " So who  
  
wants to head back to the main office and get the keys?"  
  
" I will, " Jeanie said quickly, " and I'm taking the  
  
Ferrari." Not only did she feel a little uncomfortable leaving  
  
Kerri and Randi alone with a car that could move at speeds of up  
  
to one hundred fifty miles an hour, she had to admit, she wanted  
  
to drive it herself. She hopped behind the wheel and took off. In  
  
seconds she was back by the motorcycle lot. Everyone was either  
  
sitting astride a bike or fooling around with one. Luka flagged  
  
her over.  
  
" Jeanie this is very nice, " he said, a smile flickering  
  
across his face, " but it's hardly a truck."  
  
She cut the engine and got out. " We found a good truck. I  
  
was just heading over to the office for the keys. How are you  
  
guys doing?" Lucy, and Carter had wandered over to admire the  
  
Ferrari.  
  
" We've found the bikes we want." Luka gestured over to the  
  
row of bikes. Jeanie counted five bikes lined up, including the  
  
one that Doug was sitting on and posing with a pair of shades.  
  
" Where's the sixth bike?" Jeanie asked. Both Lucy and  
  
Carter looked at each other. Luka looked down at his feet. "  
  
What's up?"  
  
Doug sauntered over. " They're trying to avoid telling you  
  
that we've decided that we really should have someone in the  
  
truck with Kerry." Judging by their awkward looks, Jeanie  
  
realized that Doug was not teasing.  
  
" Why is that? Look, she isn't crazy. I think we can trust  
  
her to drive." It was starting to make her angry. There was  
  
reason to be concerned but it was starting to get ridiculous.  
  
Doug smiled and looked away. " You know Jeanie, you're  
  
assuming something there. " The other three nodded along with  
  
that. " We're not concerned about her taking the truck and  
  
ramming it into one of us. I don't know about these guys, but I'm  
  
worried that she's suffering from a head injury and that she's  
  
taking medication that causes dizziness. She also mentioned not  
  
being able to drive for long periods of time. I think it's safe  
  
to say we weren't being assholes about her being loony." He  
  
shrugged. " Her being loony was a very small part of it."  
  
Again she felt angry. Not just at Doug, who was giving her  
  
his best puppy dog " I'm not to blame" look, but with herself  
  
too. I'm mad at them, she thought suddenly, but I don't exactly  
  
trust Kerry myself, do I? And deep down, she thought it was a  
  
good idea, and that made her feel bad. Disloyal even. " I  
  
thought we talked about name calling, Doug." It wasn't exactly  
  
defending Kerry, but it made her feel a little better.  
  
" She's not here, is she?' Doug asked easily.  
  
" Look," Luka said, stepping closer, " Let's not name call.  
  
Jeanie, do you understand where we're coming from?"  
  
She nodded. Luka was attempting to keep things calm and she  
  
was willing to go along. " I'll go find the keys," she snapped.  
  
She got out of the Ferrari and walked over to the main office,  
  
leaving behind the motorcycles but not her anger with herself.  
  
She didn't feel like she was being a good friend. She was just  
  
going along with it, because it was easier and because Doug's  
  
reasons weren't bad ones. She just knew though, that underlying  
  
the good reasons, were the same fears that she was afraid to  
  
admit even to herself. After all, they certainly weren't going to  
  
discuss their reasons with Kerry.  
  
She shook off the thoughts as she entered the darkened  
  
showroom. It depressed her to see that dust was already  
  
collecting on the show cars. It also depressed her to not have  
  
electrical power. Face it Jeanie, she told herself as she walked  
  
into the back office, this is what life is going to be like from  
  
now on. Dust, uncut grass, darkened rooms.... She sighed as she  
  
searched the peg board for the right keys. I'd feel better, she  
  
thought, if I could just a decent night's sleep. She hadn't had  
  
an unbroken night in days. The last good night she'd had, had  
  
been the night they'd moved into Carter's house. I'm tired, she  
  
thought suddenly, and I need more sleep. Finally she found the  
  
right set of keys.  
  
" You're not stealing those are you?" Jeanie spun around at  
  
the sound of the raspy, male voice. A small, thin looking man  
  
wearing a business suit slipped out of the dark corner he'd been  
  
hiding in. She saw that he had a gun belt, and her fear grew. The  
  
man leered at her and coughed into his hand. Was he sick with the  
  
flu, Jeanie wondered. If it was the flu, he wasn't very sick and  
  
she wasn't so certain it was the flu. She rather thought the  
  
plague had burned itself out. He gestured to the keys in her  
  
hand, his own hand on the small gun in his belt. " Are you going  
  
to pay?"  
  
Oh god, Jeanie thought. He's crazy. " I have a credit card."  
  
If he was really nuts, then he might just take the card.  
  
He came closer, still coughing and sniffling. " Oh there's  
  
no need for money to change hands." He licked his lips. Before  
  
she could react, he leapt across the room and had her backed into  
  
the wall, his arms on each side of her. " You're very pretty.  
  
Like a Nubian goddess. " He leaned in and said breathily, " The  
  
dark man promised me a Nubian goddess." His hands touched her  
  
breasts and she started to writhe, trying to get out of his  
  
grasp.  
  
" I have AIDS, " she said, her voice panicked. That he  
  
wanted sex was obvious. His grasp was strong but she could tell  
  
he was weakened by his illness. I think I can get away, she  
  
thought, I just need to get the right moment.  
  
" They all say that, baby," he murmured into her ear. He  
  
tried to kiss her, and she jabbed him with her elbow. Suddenly,  
  
the man went flying. She looked up, surprised and pleased to see  
  
Carter standing there. He held the rifle he'd been carrying and  
  
it was aimed at the small man who was huddled up in a ball.  
  
" Are you ok, Jeanie?" Carter asked as he pulled her to him.  
  
He glared at the man. " This pig didn't hurt you did he?" Carter  
  
was, she realized through her shock, literally frothing at the  
  
mouth and was only seconds away from shooting the man.  
  
" I'm ok, Carter." She was relieved to see him visibly calm  
  
down. " He didn't hurt me. I have the keys we need. Let's just  
  
go, ok?" The absolute last thing she wanted was to see Carter  
  
blow the man away. She felt like she had already met her lifetime  
  
quota of watching close friends shoot others.  
  
After a long moment, Carter nodded. " We got worried when it  
  
took so long." He kept the gun aimed at the man. " You listen up,  
  
buddy. We're leaving. You aren't following. I see you come out of  
  
this building, we will shoot you. You understand that?" Carter's  
  
eyes had lost the wild anger that she had seen, but his voice was  
  
hard. Jeanie didn't doubt that the small man would meet a violent  
  
end if he did follow them.  
  
The man nodded though. She and Carter backed out of the room  
  
and quickly left the show room. " Jeanie are you sure you're ok?"  
  
Carter asked as they walked out into the light of day.  
  
" I'm ok, " she said." Just a little shook up." What  
  
disturbed her, though she didn't want to admit it to Carter, was  
  
what the man had said. The dark man, she thought. Goosebumps rose  
  
on her arms and she shivered despite the hot summer air. Her  
  
dreams, the dreams that had plagued her since the flu epidemic  
  
started, had been about a dark man. A dark man that not only  
  
beckoned her but frightened her. How did that man know, she asked  
  
herself again. It was as if they were having the same dreams, but  
  
she knew in her rational mind that it was simply not possible. In  
  
her heart though, she started to wonder. 


	14. Chapter 14

" ER/Stand part 14 "  
  
Carter awoke from his dream with his heart racing and his  
  
hands clenched around his sleeping bag. He sat up, noting with  
  
relief that the others were in their own sleeping bags, not  
  
getting up with looks of concern on their faces. I didn't scream,  
  
he thought with relief. It was bad, it seemed like it got worse  
  
every night, and he had been certain towards the end that he had  
  
screamed in terror. But everyone was still asleep, and the night  
  
seemed undisturbed.  
  
He carefully got up, mindful to be quiet. Everyone needed  
  
their rest and just because he was having nightmares, that was no  
  
reason for everyone to be up at three a.m.. He glanced around the  
  
small huddle, his eyes already adjusted to the dark, mentally  
  
taking note of everything. They hadn't bothered with tents yet.  
  
They had stayed in Chicago for another three days, not wanting to  
  
leave unprepared, and feeling more than a little trepidation at  
  
the thought of leaving. It meant that their truck seemed  
  
overstuffed with gear but at least they were prepared. They had  
  
all gotten new clothes and camping gear and everyone had picked  
  
up a gun after Jeanie's incident. Everyone, but Kerry, who had  
  
quietly stated that she didn't think it was a wise move. Carter  
  
had gotten the impression she didn't much care one way or the  
  
other, though his own words had come back to him later. They  
  
couldn't stop her from finding a gun, just like they couldn't  
  
stop Doug from drinking.  
  
He noted that Doug, curled up in his own sleeping bag, had  
  
only killed half the bottle of scotch he'd picked up earlier that  
  
evening. Doug was drinking a lot. Carter understood grief and its  
  
various problems but Doug was starting to concern him. The man  
  
didn't start drinking until they stopped motoring for the day,  
  
but he drank a lot. It didn't make him very pleasant to be around  
  
in the morning, and in the evening he was either jolly or surly.  
  
There was very little in between. Carter found himself conflicted  
  
by it. He certainly understood why Doug was drinking. He had  
  
drunk more than his own fair share of alcohol in the last few  
  
days. It had originally helped take the edge off his emotions,  
  
and on one occasion while still at the house, he had killed a  
  
bottle of schnapps in hopes that it'd hold off the bad dreams he  
  
had been having. He had stopped it when it didn't work. He still  
  
had the bad dreams and he had just ended up with a hangover. He  
  
wondered idly if Doug was using the alcohol to deaden his grief  
  
or as a sleep aid. He was willing to admit that he didn't know,  
  
and he didn't know how to talk to Doug about it. They simply  
  
weren't that close. I had better think of something, he decided.  
  
His eyes fell on Jeanie, who was lying next to Doug. She had  
  
been sniffling over dinner. It had worried all of them, to the  
  
point that they had repeatedly pestered her. She insisted it was  
  
just a cold, that she had picked it up from the crazed car lot  
  
attendant. He doubted it was some sort of late flu, but Jeanie  
  
didn't need any sort of infections, especially while they were  
  
traveling.  
  
Not that they needed to make great time. He felt an almost  
  
irrational urge to keep moving. There had been times during the  
  
last few days where he had been so frustrated with their slow  
  
pace, he had wanted to just speed off down the road. He had to  
  
fight it and constantly remind himself that there was no rush. As  
  
long as they made it to the lodge by September, they were fine.  
  
He had to keep reminding himself of that, that there was no  
  
crisis. Even at the snail pace they were moving, they would be  
  
there before the snow fell. He held on to that thought. He  
  
thought that his anxiety on that issue stemmed from his odd sense  
  
that they weren't safe. He couldn't explain it, but he found  
  
himself hoping that Jeanie felt well enough to travel just  
  
because he wanted to move.  
  
He glanced at Luka and Lucy. They weren't quite sleeping  
  
together, but their sleeping bags were touching. He wasn't quite  
  
sure how he felt about that. Luka seemed like a pretty good guy,  
  
but Lucy was a little young for him. It wasn't his place to  
  
judge, but it worried him just the same. It was too soon and he  
  
worried that Lucy was latching onto the handsome older man as a  
  
sort of safety net. We'll find other people, Carter thought as he  
  
fiddled with his sleeping bag, she might be making a mistake  
  
getting too close so soon. It wouldn't be long before they found  
  
more people and he thought enough of her to hope that she didn't  
  
regret her choice. Luka for his part was treating her like a  
  
younger sister, but Carter could see budding interest in his  
  
eyes. Am I jealous, he asked himself. No, I'm not. Lucy was  
  
attractive but aside from that, she wasn't quite what he was  
  
looking for.  
  
And until they met some more people, he had precious few  
  
women to pick from. Jeanie was nice but HIV positive. She also  
  
had never seemed interested in him and still didn't seem  
  
interested. Lucy was like his sister and Kerry was like his stern  
  
much older sister. It was difficult to see either of them in any  
  
light other than as friends, Then there was Randi who viewed him  
  
as some sort of slow witted drag. Is it such a crime that I never  
  
learned how to steal gas out of underground tanks? Randi had  
  
rolled her eyes at that news and declared that he was mostly  
  
useless in a crisis. There was that, and the fact that out of all  
  
of his companions, he simply didn't know Randi that well. Oh  
  
sure, he knew she'd been in prison but he hadn't know for what.  
  
It bothered him to think that he had worked with Randi for three  
  
years and had hardly known a thing about her. It clearly bothered  
  
her though she hid it with sarcasm. He glanced at her sleeping  
  
form wondering what exactly what she was thinking. It was a  
  
mystery to him.  
  
The next pile of bedding lying on the ground was empty and  
  
Carter felt a sudden wave of concern. Kerry wasn't there. He had  
  
been sitting up, looking around, for almost five minutes. Long  
  
enough for someone, even someone as slow as Kerry, to return from  
  
a bathroom trip. He stood up, and looked around the small  
  
campground. They had picked it because there were no cars or  
  
bodies around. The notion of having to clear motel rooms of  
  
corpses every night had been the primary reason they had gone  
  
with camping out.  
  
He spotted a flashlight beam over by a small group of picnic  
  
tables. Far enough away to not wake anyone, he realized, but not  
  
so far that there was any concern about calling for help if  
  
needed. Maybe one hundred feet. He walked over, his feet  
  
crackling on twigs and fallen leaves. " Kerry?" he called softly,  
  
mindful of the fact that it was the middle of the night, and some  
  
people were able to sleep.  
  
She shined the flashlight into his face. " Carter? Why are  
  
you up?" She moved the light back to the table. He was blinded  
  
for a moment, but as he stepped forward, he could see that she  
  
was writing on a spiral notebook.  
  
" What are you doing?" he asked. He hoped she didn't take  
  
offense. She was touchy even under normal circumstances. Besides,  
  
it wasn't an unreasonable question.  
  
She gestured to the notebook. " I couldn't sleep, so I  
  
decided to write in my journal. What about you?"  
  
" Had a nightmare. Decided there wasn't much point in  
  
tossing and turning." He didn't quite know what else to say. It  
  
wasn't exactly a situation covered in Miss Manners. " I didn't  
  
know you kept a journal."  
  
Kerry shrugged. " I've kept a journal for years. If we  
  
stopped by a computer store, I could get a laptop and show you  
  
most of it. It's all on disk." She tapped the notebook with her  
  
pen. " That's not a terribly practical for travel though, so I  
  
thought I'd do it the old fashioned way." She smiled, a cynical  
  
expression crossing her face. " It's in keeping with my thoughts  
  
anyway."  
  
" What do you mean?" Carter asked. He found himself  
  
intrigued, if not also a little creeped out. It was a little too  
  
dark and late in the night for a profound discussion, and his  
  
nerves were still shook up from his dream. On the other hand,  
  
they were both awake and he knew Kerry to be a fountain of good  
  
sense and intelligent thought when she wasn't acting insane.  
  
Again she shrugged. " Just pondering the future really. Did  
  
you think last year on the Fourth of July that you'd be sitting  
  
on a picnic table in some random campground... because the motels  
  
were full of plague victims? Where do you think you'll be next  
  
year? What'll you be doing? What kind of society are we going to  
  
have? If human nature remains as constant, there's reason to  
  
worry."  
  
" Is it really the Fourth?" The rest of her questions, he  
  
started to think about.  
  
" It was as of midnight." She tapped the journal again. " I  
  
was never that fond of science fiction but I guess I always had  
  
the belief that it had, that things were always going to move  
  
forward. You know, there would be cures for all the major  
  
diseases, we'd all have our own personal air cars and we'd be  
  
living on the moon. That's all... over and done with. At least  
  
for a while." She chuckled suddenly. " You know, the Russians had  
  
three men up in the Mir Space Station when this all started. I  
  
would really hate to be in their shoes."  
  
" Oh god..." That gave Carter a chill.  
  
" In theory, they could return but then they're playing the  
  
odds that they might be immune. Odds are they aren't but  
  
eventually they'll run out of food." Kerry shrugged again. " Ugly  
  
thought isn't it? "  
  
" Very." This isn't helping me feel better, Carter thought  
  
darkly. Trust Kerry to be disturbing.  
  
" Think about where you will be this time next year. Or  
  
twenty years from now." Kerry sounded tired and more concerned  
  
than he had seen her in the last few days. Her medication must be  
  
wearing off, he thought. For a while he had agreed with Kovac  
  
that she was over medicated, but the last couple of days had made  
  
him decide otherwise. It was possible that she had just needed to  
  
get used to it. The fact that she seemed more normal helped ease  
  
his mind on that point. She gestured around the small clearing. "  
  
Think about it. In twenty years this place will be overgrown. A  
  
new wilderness. Societies are going to form, and our little group  
  
is on the ground floor. How do you think that's going to work?"  
  
Carter was struck by the idea. " We'll find more people," he  
  
said after a long moment. They had already talked on that point  
  
as a group. If they ran across fellow survivors that didn't  
  
attack them like the fellow in the car lot, or people that ran  
  
off before they could even stop to call to them.  
  
Kerry nodded along as if his statement was obvious. " We  
  
have to find more people. We don't have enough genetic variety in  
  
this group. Jeanie can't reproduce without spreading HIV so that  
  
leaves three potential couples. Even if each of the women have a  
  
child by each of the men, our descendants would be marrying first  
  
cousins in two generations. That's not really a societal concern  
  
though. Consider this. Any group that forms around us will  
  
obviously have a strong medical base for science, but aside from  
  
that, we're lacking in ability as far as reconstructing our  
  
world. Do you know how to build a car? Raise cows? Make the  
  
liquor that Doug is drowning himself in? " She held up her pen. "  
  
We use these and if we lose one, we just get another but we don't  
  
know how to make more and there's a lot of things that fall into  
  
that category."  
  
Carter was beginning to get an inkling of the direction she  
  
was going. " Even though there's hardly anyone left, after a few  
  
years a lot of the goods in the stores won't be useable. Like  
  
pens. They won't last twenty or so years." I'm really not feeling  
  
better now, he thought. The future, which before had been  
  
indistinct seemed to rise up before his eyes as a sad decline  
  
into primitive lifestyles.  
  
" That's it exactly, John." Kerry said. She hesitated. " I  
  
think... I feel this urge to look for people. I think we'll find  
  
more people but right now, I guess I'm just worrying too much."  
  
" It's not a bad thing." Carter allowed. " Thinking ahead  
  
like that. It might be a lot better than you expect though.  
  
People are going to want to gather around, and we're doctors." He  
  
smiled. " Everyone wants good health care, even now I bet."  
  
" There's probably some poor sap out there right now that  
  
survived the flu but is gamely dying of appendicitis." Kerry said  
  
by way of agreement. " Anyway, I've just been depressing myself  
  
since I couldn't sleep. What about you? You said you had a  
  
nightmare."  
  
He shook his head. " I don't want to talk about it." It had  
  
been violent and scary and while dreams didn't usually affect him  
  
that badly, he didn't want to discuss it. It was dark and the  
  
wind was rustling and his imagination was already running wild. "  
  
What about you? Why couldn't you sleep?"  
  
She looked back at her notebook. He sensed that she felt  
  
awkward. " I fell asleep but then I had a bad dream. I woke up  
  
about twenty minutes before you did."  
  
" You know," he said slowly, " It was not sleeping that made  
  
you act... irrational." It was really just one factor, but he  
  
felt that it had to be said. He felt like a heel saying it, but  
  
it had to be said. He could see by the look in her eyes that his  
  
statement not only had angered her, it had also hurt her  
  
feelings. Her expression immediately became guarded.  
  
" I got five hours of rest. I have been sleeping every  
  
night. " Her tone took on an icy edge. " If you're worrying about  
  
my mental status, don't. I'll be all right. " She gestured back  
  
to the group that was still sleeping. " We should take a break  
  
tomorrow. Jeanie's sick and she could use a day off."  
  
" It's just a cold." He didn't want to take a day off and  
  
Jeanie hadn't been complaining.  
  
" She's HIV positive and it won't be long before her drug  
  
cocktail starts to lose effectiveness. It wouldn't hurt to let  
  
her rest and fight off an infection." Kerry returned to writing  
  
in her notebook. Carter took that as the quiet dismissal it  
  
obviously was. He got up and decided to walk down to the closed  
  
concession stand. I could get a coke, he thought, and wait for  
  
the sun to rise. And, he resigned himself, we'll stay here for  
  
the day. As much as he wanted to hurry, he also knew Jeanie  
  
didn't have much time to begin with. It wouldn't hurt any of them  
  
to take a day to celebrate the Fourth. 


	15. Chapter 15

" ER/Stand part 15 "  
  
" Hey Doug, wake up. It's almost eight thirty." Doug almost  
  
snarled at the bright cheery voice that was accompanying the  
  
gentle shake of his sleeping bag.  
  
" Go away..." he muttered finally. He wasn't in the mood for  
  
the morning debate on which cruddy, bumpy secondary back road  
  
they should take. As far as he was concerned it didn't matter as  
  
long as it got them closer to their goal. All of the roads were  
  
crap, it didn't matter which one they took because no matter what  
  
road they were on, they still ended up detouring around wrecks  
  
and traffic jams. Another day of tooling around at a cool ten to  
  
thirty miles an hour held no appeal. Besides, he had a cold. A  
  
bad cold. Jeanie had gotten over hers after almost a week but not  
  
before she had infected him with it. He'd been all right for a  
  
few days but now he was stuffed up. Stuffed up and hung over.  
  
" We're getting ready to go. " It was Lucy again, and when  
  
she was bright and cheery in the morning, he was reminded just  
  
how young Lucy was. " Come on..."  
  
" That's not going to work," said a new voice. Suddenly Doug  
  
felt several sharp stinging blows to his back.  
  
" What the hell are you doing?" He sat up and threw off the  
  
sleeping bag, wincing just a little at his sudden pounding  
  
headache. Randi was standing next to Lucy, brandishing a large  
  
stick. She prodded him with it.  
  
" I'm whacking you out of the sack. We're getting ready to  
  
go. Get your drunk ass up." With that, she stomped off toward the  
  
row of motorcycles. Wonderful, Doug mused as he crawled out of  
  
his sleeping bag, what a fun start to the day.  
  
" Is there any coffee?" he asked Lucy as he rolled up his  
  
bag. He needed something. He had hardly sleep the night before  
  
and even the liquor he was quaffing hadn't prevented what little  
  
sleep he did get to be filled with nightmares. If he wasn't  
  
dreaming about Carol, his dreams revolved around his being chased  
  
by a dark faceless man. A man that he knew instinctively was  
  
evil, but compelling just the same. Sometimes he plied Doug with  
  
offers, sometimes he made threats. He would say that he wanted a  
  
doctor for his people, but somehow Doug sensed that his position  
  
would less doctoring and more of a medical torturer. The dark  
  
man, Flagg, had his people gathering in Las Vegas, he knew that,  
  
and Doug was often left with the sinking sensation that his  
  
dreams were telling him his future. Oh, not in exact detail, that  
  
would be crazy, but he sensed that what little real civilized  
  
behavior they had was going to be worn away by the situation.  
  
" There's still some left. No breakfast though, unless you  
  
want some Twinkies." Lucy gestured to the remains of the fire  
  
they had lit the night before. Her brow screwed up with concern.  
  
She kicked his empty bottle of scotch away. " Doug, you need to  
  
get a grip. You're drinking too much."  
  
Yes, he thought, she actually said I'm drinking too much. "  
  
Lucy it's none of your business."  
  
" It is when you're slowing every one up. " She frowned at  
  
him. " You know, we understand that you're grieving. I'm sorry  
  
about Carol. We all are sorry but we need you to pull yourself  
  
out of this. "  
  
" Lucy..." he said tiredly. She didn't understand, no one  
  
could understand how he felt. He had, after all was said and  
  
done, behaved like a monster towards Carol. She had loved him,  
  
and he had repaid her with what? Indifference at best, scorn and  
  
humiliation at worst. He hadn't deserved her. Towards the end, he  
  
had begged her forgiveness and she had given it with a smile, but  
  
it didn't take away any of the pain in his heart. Part of him  
  
relished the pain, embracing it as his just punishment. The other  
  
part of him, the weak part of him, couldn't stand it. Feeling  
  
numb was better than feeling horrible. The alcohol didn't take  
  
away the bad dreams but it deadened some of the pain. Lucy, with  
  
her youth and cheerful determination to face post-plague life,  
  
couldn't possibly understand. " I'll deal with this the way I  
  
want to." He sneezed for punctuation.  
  
" Fine. We're deciding on where to go for the day. You  
  
might want to join us. " She turned and walked off. Doug  
  
watched her for a moment, and then gathered his gear together. He  
  
made his way to the fire and poured the remains of the coffee  
  
into his mug. He sipped the hot brew and coughed. His sinuses  
  
were clogged and that was making the headache worse. Ok, he  
  
thought as he went over to the cycles, its time to face the daily  
  
map check.  
  
Luka was comparing maps with Kerry. Doug almost smiled as he  
  
realized that indeed, he had missed most of the debate. Luka  
  
smiled at him, but he could see that the younger man was  
  
irritated. Screw him, Doug decided as he drank more of the strong  
  
black coffee, so I slept late. Luka gestured to the maps. " We  
  
have the route set."  
  
" I'm sure its fine." He sipped the coffee again as Kerry  
  
walked over to the truck and the others went to the cycles. It  
  
looked like it was going to be a hot day and he started to look  
  
forward to the prospect of biking. It was cooler anyway. He went  
  
to the cycle he usually rode, but Carter waved him off with a  
  
smirk.  
  
" You have to ride with Kerry. We decided it's your turn."  
  
Carter hopped onto the motorcycle.  
  
" Come on..." Riding with Kerry was tantamount to torture in  
  
his mind. So far he'd been able to avoid it. He suspected that  
  
the others let him out of the task partly because he and Kerry  
  
simply didn't get along, and partly because they didn't trust him  
  
to keep an eye on her. Screw them, he thought, and screw Kerry  
  
for being so damned fucked in the head that no one could stand  
  
being with her for longer than ten seconds at a time. He'd heard  
  
how much fun it was to ride in the truck. " Somebody please  
  
switch with me."  
  
" She hit me with a thermos when I touched the cd player."  
  
Carter said.  
  
" She quizzed me on antibiotics. " Lucy said. " Every one I  
  
got wrong, she made me recite ten times so I would remember it."  
  
" I had to list off all the bones in the human body." Jeanie  
  
smiled as she spoke.  
  
" I'm not listening to classical music for eight hours."  
  
Randi jumped on a bike.  
  
Luka shrugged. " I just prefer riding the motorcycle.  
  
Besides, you sound like you caught Jeanie's cold. You could use  
  
the break. "  
  
He knew when he was defeated. And it was true that he was  
  
sick. He was stuffed up and congested. With any luck, he thought  
  
darkly, I'll get Kerry sick. He strode over to the truck, taking  
  
small pleasure in the fact that he would be able to finish his  
  
cup of coffee. He jumped into the passenger seat, and smirked at  
  
Kerry. " I'm your riding partner today."  
  
" Oh joy." Kerry glared at him. " Are you still drunk from  
  
your bender last night? You did kill an entire bottle of scotch."  
  
" Don't start," he warned.  
  
" I ask, because I don't want you vomiting in the car." She  
  
started the engine. In seconds, they were rolling along. It was a  
  
rather smooth ride. He hated to admit it, but jarring along the  
  
dirt roads hurt after a while. I must be getting old, he thought.  
  
They rode in silence for almost an hour. At first it was  
  
fine but as time wore on, Doug found himself getting not only  
  
bored but irritated. " Are you giving me the silent treatment for  
  
a reason, or is this the latest twist on your nervous breakdown?"  
  
Her hands clenched the wheel. " If I can't throw your  
  
alcohol problem in your face, then my insanity is off limits  
  
too."  
  
At least arguing would kill the time, Doug thought, and it  
  
might get me out ever having to ride with her again. " What the  
  
hell. Kerry, feel free to throw my alcohol problem in my face.  
  
What is your opinion on that topic? I'd like to hear it."  
  
She was silent for a long moment. He had almost given up on  
  
getting an answer when she said, " You're not ready to stop.  
  
You're punishing yourself for living when Carol died. When you  
  
get over feeling guilty, you'll stop, but not before then.  
  
Nothing I say is going to change that." She took her eyes off the  
  
road just for an instant to spare him a glance. " You know I'm  
  
right. There's no point in getting on your case about it. You'll  
  
just ignore any suggestions or offers of help. Why bother having  
  
an argument when you aren't ready to listen."  
  
It wasn't the vitriolic diatribe he expected. What made it  
  
worse was the possibility that she was right. It's time to turn  
  
this around, he decided. If she won't pick a fight, then I  
  
certainly can. " Do I get to comment on your insanity now?"  
  
She shrugged. " As if you haven't already. How many  
  
nicknames do you have for me now?" She smiled cynically. " I have  
  
to admit, I liked Dr. Demento. That'd make a nice vanity plate  
  
for the truck." She was quiet for a moment. " I'm actually a  
  
little surprised that they trust you enough to have you act as my  
  
babysitter."  
  
" So am I." He said it without thinking, and as soon as he  
  
had, he wanted to kick himself. It was not something the others  
  
wanted her to know. He knew there was reason to worry, he still  
  
worried that she would have a dizzy spell and accidently ram the  
  
truck into a telephone pole, but he didn't relish humiliating her  
  
by letting her in on the fact that they did take turns keeping an  
  
eye on her. " I wasn't supposed to tell you that, " he said  
  
finally.  
  
" It's not exactly something I didn't suspect." Kerry said  
  
curtly. " I am insane after all. I'm surprised you don't check to  
  
make sure I'm taking the pills."  
  
There's no point in checking, Doug thought dryly, when it's  
  
so obvious. Getting a rise out of her had been next to impossible  
  
since she started with the meds. " Maybe if you talked about what  
  
happened," he said finally, " they might worry a little less."  
  
" I don't remember what happened." Again, her hands clenched  
  
the wheel. Doug found himself wondering if having that particular  
  
conversation was such a great thing to do while she was driving.  
  
She looked quite pale. " I don't remember it at all, and no one  
  
wants to discuss it."  
  
" He beat you up. With your crutch. You're lucky he didn't  
  
kill you." Telling her what happened wasn't the smartest thing,  
  
but he knew her well enough to know it was eating at her. He  
  
didn't think it was healthy to let her stew over it. " Then, when  
  
he shot Lucy, you shot him in the back, then the head, and then  
  
the back again. Then you went to do charts."  
  
They drove on in silence for a few minutes. " You said you  
  
examined me," Kerry said softly. " Was I raped?"  
  
He looked down at his feet. I really don't want to have this  
  
conversation, he thought. " I don't know. Maybe. It looked that  
  
way, but he could have just beaten you."  
  
" Do you think I was raped? Please be honest." She took a  
  
deep breath. " I need to know."  
  
He looked at her. " Yes, Kerry, I think you were raped. I  
  
hope you weren't, and I can't say for certain, but it looked like  
  
you were raped. Everything about how you were acting and have  
  
been acting tells me that I'm right." He paused. " I'm sorry."  
  
" Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. " She hit the  
  
accelerator as they came onto a clear stretch of road. An ugly  
  
thought struck him, and before he could stop himself, he blurted  
  
it out.  
  
" Kerry, you aren't pregnant are you?"  
  
There was a deathly pause. Then she laughed. " I'm not  
  
pregnant, not as of this morning. I did wonder why I was so happy  
  
to be menstruating."  
  
It was forced humor, even with a raging hang over, he knew  
  
that, but he wanted out of the conversation. " Just think of it  
  
this way. You've evaded the menopause fairy for another month."  
  
" Ha ha very funny." Kerry pointed to the cd player. " Put  
  
some music on."  
  
" I don't like classical." Oddly, he never saw her as that  
  
much of a classical fan either.  
  
" The classical is mostly for Randi. She needs a little  
  
culture. The boy band cds are to annoy Carter with, and the show  
  
tunes drive Kovac and Jeanie nuts. The good stuff is under your  
  
seat.  
  
He reached under, and came up with a handful of cds. " The  
  
Police, Metallica, AC/DC, Bowie.... Tupac? Alanis Morrisette?  
  
Nirvana? "  
  
" We can debate my taste in music and then you can listen to  
  
Mozart, or you can put a cd in. Your choice."  
  
" AC/DC it is then." 


	16. Chapter 16

" ER/Stand part 16 "  
  
It was raining again. I'm so sick of the rain, Jeanie  
  
thought as she followed Luka's cycle off the secondary road and  
  
into the small town. It had been raining for the last couple of  
  
days and she had gotten tired of it on the first day. It made  
  
riding the motorcycle even harder and it was cold. Of course,  
  
once they gave up and stopped for the day, that just made  
  
everyone as cranky as all get out. Though no one wanted to admit  
  
it, there was a vague sense of uneasiness running through them  
  
every time they stopped. She didn't know why there was such a  
  
weird feeling but there was.  
  
Oh stop it, she told herself as they pulled up to a dank,  
  
dark motel, you know perfectly well why you don't like stopping.  
  
You just don't want to admit it. You don't want to stop because  
  
your dreams are telling you that time is running short. She  
  
shuddered involuntarily. She knew it was irrational, which was  
  
why she hadn't said a word about her dreams. No doubt she would  
  
labeled and disregarded the way Kerry had been.  
  
In her dreams, time was becoming short. She didn't have the  
  
bad dream every night but often enough to know that it was  
  
starting to get ugly. They were in Las Vegas, the dark man and  
  
his people, and they were preparing an invasion. Not for this  
  
year, no. He was consolidating his forces and waiting on the  
  
latecomers to see what final goodies they would bring. She had no  
  
doubts that he was running a very tight ship. Her dreams told her  
  
that disobedience wasn't tolerated and that it was punishable by  
  
death. Even in the good dream, the one with the old woman, time  
  
seemed to be running out. The old woman wasn't in Nebraska, not  
  
anymore. She was traveling, heading to Colorado much the way they  
  
were, only Jeanie knew that their destination, Carter's family  
  
lodge, wasn't the right one. They needed to go to Boulder, to see  
  
the old woman, Mother Abigail.  
  
But that was crazy, and she knew that the second she said  
  
anything, it would be very bad for her. Its irrational to want to  
  
travel cross country just to see a woman you think might exist,  
  
she told herself, just like its irrational to think that there's  
  
a demon like force in Las Vegas plotting your death. Really, she  
  
thought suddenly, it's utterly crazy. There was no other way to  
  
describe her newfound almost belief that her dreams were  
  
predicting the future.  
  
Enough, she told herself as she steered her cycle to follow  
  
the others into a motel parking lot, you are just being silly. Or  
  
else you're developing AIDS related dementia. Now there's a  
  
cheery thought. I could be going insane and not realize it due to  
  
the situation. She shook her head as she parked the cycle under  
  
the somewhat dry covered area near the manager's office. The  
  
motel looked like something out of an old sixties movies, with  
  
covered walkways and a cheesy looking courtyard. There were still  
  
a few cars parked in the lot, but there was a closed sign hanging  
  
in the manager's office window. That was a good sign to Jeanie.  
  
It meant that whoever had owned the place had closed it before  
  
there was much chance that anyone had died there. She was  
  
mortally tired of dead bodies, and moving dead bodies and having  
  
to look at dead bodies. I'm surprised I haven't caught typhoid  
  
yet, she thought. She joined the group that was converging around  
  
the manager door. Randi was fooling with the knob, and Jeanie  
  
approved. Not only was she tired of dead bodies, she was also  
  
tired of broken glass. In seconds the door was open. She wondered  
  
why Randi had ever retired from a life of crime. The young woman  
  
clearly had a knack for it.  
  
" Ok, " Carter said as he waved them into a small huddle. "  
  
It's four o'clock. We've still got some daylight left. Let's pick  
  
our rooms and then meet in the restaurant in maybe thirty  
  
minutes?" He waited for them to nod. Carter had gotten very good  
  
at giving commands without actually giving orders. She gave him  
  
credit, he knew enough to keep everything organized without being  
  
afraid to ask for help. Luka generally decided the route and  
  
their breaks, but once they stopped for the day, Carter usually  
  
took over. He was generally fair about chores, and she knew that  
  
they needed someone to make gentle suggestions about getting jobs  
  
done. If left to their own devices, they'd all be eating nothing  
  
but junk food. Jeanie rarely felt the inspiration to cook over an  
  
open flame. Lucy couldn't be trusted to do much more than heat up  
  
canned soup. Randi and Doug were content to eat potato chips  
  
every night if allowed. Usually it was Kerry that made their  
  
evening meal, though she rarely did more than pick at the hot  
  
food she made. Carter ate like a horse. She had seen him not only  
  
scarf down a meal but then break open a candy machine for snacks.  
  
Usually, Randi, Doug and Kerry would join him. Luka simply ate  
  
whatever was in front of him. Jeanie worried about him. She  
  
worried about everyone else, but with Luka she sensed that he was  
  
depressed about a lot more than just the current situation.  
  
She shrugged off her concerns as she took one of the pass  
  
keys and walked down the covered walkway to the first room door.  
  
She had no doubt that Randi and Lucy would stick her with Kerry  
  
for a bunk mate. She didn't mind and the upside was that she got  
  
to call dibs on the closest room to the manager's office. In some  
  
places that could mean she and Kerry would be settled in while  
  
the others were still clearing out corpses. Of course, they only  
  
did the motel thing when it rained. Jeanie didn't mind that  
  
decision. Given a choice between dead bodies in a room and a  
  
clean, fresh smelling park, she would rather sleep in the park.  
  
But it was raining, and they had already tried camping in the wet  
  
with disastrous results. Another night of collapsed tents,  
  
bickering and yelling wasn't going to do it for her. I'm tired,  
  
she thought as she looked in the first room, sleeping on a real  
  
bed would be nice for a change. Just like eating inside, at a  
  
table would be a rare treat and one that she was actually looking  
  
forward to. This room will do, she decided after a moment. It was  
  
ground floor, with double beds, and not too dusty.  
  
She trotted back to the attached restaurant, marveling  
  
inwardly at how every Iowan motel seemed to have the same cheesy  
  
restaurant built in. Heavy tables, animal head lined walls, a  
  
huge cobblestone fireplace in the corner, it was as if the same  
  
folksy designer placed his stamp across the entire state. She  
  
opened the door, and part of her wanted to laugh. It was as  
  
exactly as she had pictured, right down to the stuffed rabbit  
  
with antlers wired into its head sitting on top of the hostess's  
  
desk. Carter was already rolling up wads of old newspaper and  
  
stuffing it into the fireplace, while Kerry and Lucy were rooting  
  
around in the drug bag.  
  
" What's the plan for the night?" she asked. No doubt the  
  
plan was similar to the plan that they followed every night. They  
  
would make dinner, then argue with each other for about an hour.  
  
Doug would start to drink. Randi would roll her eyes at Carter  
  
over whatever stupid thing he said and then they would all go to  
  
bed with bad moods. She thought their general grouchiness was  
  
partly due to the bad weather that seemed to be following them  
  
all through Iowa, partly because of the cold virus that was  
  
slowly jumping from one to the next, and partly because they had  
  
been together far too long. It's almost the end of July, Jeanie  
  
mused, and we still haven't found any people. At least, not  
  
people that wanted to come with them. They had run across a few  
  
solitary individuals but those people seemed very content to stay  
  
where they were. One had even cryptically stated, while waving  
  
his tattered bible, that he wanted to see who was going to come  
  
out on top first, before he went with any group. They had seen  
  
signs of life besides. Someone had set fire to Gary, Indiana  
  
starting with what appeared to have been giant oil tanks. Still,  
  
the addition of some new people would have eased a little bit of  
  
the tension. As it was, there were just too many topics that no  
  
one wanted to discuss. She ticked them off in her mind. Doug's  
  
drinking, Kerry's oddness, Luka's moodiness, the general  
  
inability to sleep that everyone seemed to be suffering from.  
  
Again, she stopped herself. You just can't sleep because of bad  
  
dreams, you're reading too much into things. Just because  
  
everyone else has dark circles under their eyes, it doesn't mean  
  
that they haven't been sleeping. Traveling was hard, harder  
  
than she had expected. When Carter had first suggested it, she  
  
had thought it would take two weeks at most. Driving from Chicago  
  
to Colorado had been at worst a two day drive. Three if you took  
  
your time. What she hadn't bargained on was how awful the roads  
  
were. There was rarely a clear stretch of road, unless they took  
  
a back road and then it was a rough ride. Luka had taken a spill  
  
that morning that had frightened her, and she had seen that he  
  
was still limping. Then there was the daily major production of  
  
getting gas. Sometimes she wished there was just one technically  
  
minded person in the group.  
  
Carter gestured to the fire place. " I was going to start a  
  
fire. I thought maybe it would be nice. There are some  
  
comfortable chairs we could drag over."  
  
" A fire would be nice," she allowed. What would be even  
  
nicer than a fire was a pleasant evening but she doubted it would  
  
happen. " Did you already find a room?"  
  
He nodded. " Luka's the odd man out tonight. I'm sharing  
  
with Doug. You and Kerry sharing?"  
  
Ask the obvious, she thought. It wasn't that she minded  
  
sharing a room with Kerry. In truth, Randi and Lucy could get on  
  
her nerves in an instant, and she got along better with Kerry. It  
  
just felt as though they were separating based on age, older ad  
  
younger. She didn't want to be older. I'm only thirty two, she  
  
thought. " I think so, unless there's a problem."  
  
" I don't care ," Lucy muttered. She was sitting on the  
  
floor, and as Jeanie watched she slowly rolled over onto her  
  
side. Lucy was looking decidedly pale, and Jeanie could see beads  
  
of sweat dotting her forehead. " I think I'm dying."  
  
" You're not dying." Kerry growled as she dumped the medical  
  
bag out onto one of the tables. She came up an ear thermometer. "  
  
You're just running a fever. Let me take your temperature."  
  
" No." Lucy covered her ears. " I don't want anyone touching  
  
me. I want a blanket."  
  
" You need your temperature taken." Kerry's voice took on a  
  
lecturing tone. " You can let me take it with the ear  
  
thermometer, or we can do it the hard away." Jeanie almost  
  
laughed as Lucy gave in. It had been a while since she had heard  
  
Kerry be that forceful and Lucy obviously hadn't suspected it.  
  
Then again, Lucy was also very sick. She uncovered her ears and  
  
let Kerry take her temperature.  
  
" What is it?" Jeanie asked as she took a step closer. Kerry  
  
held up her hand, waving her back.  
  
" I don't think you should expose yourself to this." Kerry  
  
warned. " Her temp is 103.5. I think you need some Tylonel, Lucy,  
  
and some fluids. Want some juice?"  
  
" No..." Lucy curled up into a tight little ball. " I'm  
  
cold." Jeanie couldn't help but agree to that sentiment. With the  
  
rain cooling everything off, and her damp clothes, it didn't feel  
  
like the 74 degrees that the outdoor thermometer by the manager's  
  
office had told her. It felt chilly.  
  
" What do you think it is?" Carter continued to fool around  
  
with the fireplace, but Jeanie heard the subtle increase in  
  
concern in his voice. She knew what she thought Lucy had, based  
  
on the symptoms, and Carter had probably come to the same  
  
conclusion.  
  
" It looks like type A influenza." Kerry said. " Before...  
  
before the epidemic, that's what the CDC was predicting. It's  
  
probably what Jeanie and Doug had. Lucy, did you get your flu  
  
shot this year?"  
  
" I did." Lucy coughed. " I'm going to die."  
  
" You're not going to die." Carter stood up as he spoke. "  
  
You're just going to be miserable to be around for a few days."  
  
Jeanie felt a cold chill run through her. Both Carter and  
  
Kerry had a wary look on their faces, a look that suggested they  
  
were a bit more concerned than they were letting on. She held her  
  
tongue until they both got out of earshot of Lucy. " Is it just  
  
the flu?" she asked nervously.  
  
" It looks that way." Kerry said. Carter nodded agreement. "  
  
We're making a diagnosis in a restaurant with no labs or tests. I  
  
could be wrong, but it's pretty consistent with flu. The old flu.  
  
Did you realize that we're all out of cold medicine? We'll need  
  
to find a drugstore."  
  
" But it's not the superflu?" Jeanie asked.  
  
Kerry shook her head. " I don't think so. I'm not seeing the  
  
swelling around her neck and that was probably the only symptom  
  
that wasn't a normal flu symptom. I think she's just run down and  
  
its hitting her hard. "  
  
" Maybe we should keep an eye on her tonight." Carter said.  
  
" I really doubt we'll be able to catch Doug before he starts  
  
drinking. Jeanie, you shouldn't do this either. You don't need  
  
the infection risk. Luka, Kerry and I can do shifts. It'd be ok  
  
if Randi shares a room with you tonight won't it?"  
  
Again with the orders in the form of a question, Jeanie  
  
thought. She smiled. " I'm fine with it." She was surprised that  
  
Carter had included Kerry in the "responsible" category, but more  
  
surprised that he had been so blunt about Doug. It was an  
  
interesting change. Of course, she realized, it was either  
  
include Kerry or spend the entire night up himself. As a group,  
  
they didn't give either Doug or Kerry the same sort of  
  
responsibilities they gave themselves. Doug simply couldn't be  
  
trusted at any given point to be sober. It wasn't just wallowing  
  
in grief, not anymore. The problem with Kerry was two fold. While  
  
she definitely seemed better mentally, the sad truth was that  
  
there weren't many daily chores associated with their journey  
  
that a disabled person could do. Or at least do in a quick  
  
fashion. She wondered if Kerry was frustrated by that. In normal  
  
circumstances, Jeanie thought, the answer would have been a  
  
resounding yes, but the older woman had been surprisingly  
  
reticent.  
  
" I checked the kitchen," Carter said. " There's a gas stove  
  
that's still working, but not much in the way of fixings." He  
  
looked plaintively at Kerry. " It sure would be nice to have a  
  
hot cooked meal." He managed to look pathetic and hopeful all at  
  
once. " I know fresh bread would be hard, but hot biscuits sure  
  
would hit the spot. Maybe if somebody drove their truck down to  
  
that grocery store and got us some food.... I might be convinced  
  
to take the middle shift tonight. And take care of the dishes  
  
too." He smiled winningly.  
  
" Carter, throwing the dishes into a trash can is not taking  
  
care of them." Still Kerry did smile, and Jeanie knew that meant  
  
she'd cave.  
  
Lucy raised her head. " Hot biscuits with honey would be  
  
great. My mom used to make me toast with honey when I was sick."  
  
She coughed to punctuate her words.  
  
" Enough, I'll go. Do either of you want to come with me?"  
  
Kerry waited. After a moment, Jeanie nodded. Technically whoever  
  
road in the truck was the designated Weaver watcher of the day,  
  
but Lucy looked far too ill to do it. Besides, going to the store  
  
meant having some control over dinner.  
  
Jeanie sighed as she followed Kerry out to the car. Why does  
  
everything have to be so hard, she thought. So hard and so damn  
  
depressing. Maybe I just need some more sleep. A night spent on a  
  
soft mattress, even with Randi who tended to chuckle in her  
  
sleep, just might be the thing she needed. 


	17. Chapter 17

" ER/Stand part 17 "  
  
" I'm so sick of canned food." Jeanie muttered as she wiped  
  
the dust off of a display. " Something fresh would be nice."  
  
Unfortunately, Kerry thought, they were for the most part a  
  
group of ex-city dwellers. Something fresh would entail a lot of  
  
work, though fresh meat was readily available. It was Iowa, the  
  
corn state and more importantly, the cow state. Granted, her own  
  
hunting experience had been long ago and in Africa, but she  
  
suspected the only real difference would be fewer poisonous  
  
snakes to watch out for. Steak for the evening meal would be  
  
difficult to produce on short notice though. Bad enough she had  
  
gotten suckered into making biscuits, and enough for Carter, a  
  
ravenous wolf. Still, she understood where Jeanie was coming from  
  
and it didn't hurt to be supportive. " Maybe we can look in a few  
  
backyards. These people must have gardens."  
  
" And corn!" Jeanie's eyes lit up with excitement. " We've  
  
been driving by it for the last week, but it should be ready to  
  
eat. It's almost August."  
  
" Wouldn't all this corn be feed corn, for the cows?" Kerry  
  
recalled one of her father's more disastrous attempts at a  
  
garden. Jeanie waved off her concern with a brilliant smile.  
  
" Even if it is, its still good at this point. Its all in  
  
how you prepare it." Jeanie said. " So lets get something for  
  
dinner and breakfast. Then we'll pick some corn." With that, she  
  
trotted down the darkened aisle, her flashlight shining along the  
  
shelves.  
  
At least she cheered up a little, Kerry thought tiredly as  
  
she walked over to the next aisle. Jeanie had been down for some  
  
time, though the exact reason escaped Kerry. It wasn't as though  
  
there weren't a lot of things to be depressed about in their  
  
brave new world.  
  
Stop it, she told herself as she started looking over the  
  
cold medicine, things are getting better. Really. No matter how  
  
bad the nightmares are, you haven't let on about it. They think  
  
you're ok, and they'll keep thinking that as long as you keep the  
  
wall up. She let herself visualize the wall. It was much as it  
  
had been before the plague, sturdy with concrete blocks.  
  
Fortified with rebar after the plague, and crumbling in a number  
  
of places. No matter how hard she tried, it kept crumbling and  
  
sometimes, late at night after she'd awakened from the same  
  
nightmare for the nth time, biting on her hands to stop from  
  
screaming, she knew it was going to fall. But it was still  
  
daylight and she could safely place those thoughts behind the  
  
wall where they belonged. She knew it wasn't healthy. Sometimes  
  
she wondered if the bad dreams were really just a reaction to her  
  
hiding all of her emotions and feelings behind her mental wall,  
  
but sometimes she thought the dreams were real.  
  
That was another thought to keep hidden, that she was even  
  
considering her dreams to be real. To dream that dark forces were  
  
gathering in Las Vegas and the troublemakers were being crucified  
  
on telephone poles, that was bad. To think it was real was  
  
psychotic. I'm not psychotic, she told herself, I know what's  
  
real and what's not. The plague was real. My dreams are not. Now  
  
put those thoughts away, behind the wall, before Jeanie sees you  
  
looking upset and thinks you've lost it again.  
  
She browsed through the cold medicine, picking up more than  
  
enough to last Lucy, all the while fighting back the cold sense  
  
of unease she felt. Her ears strained to listen but all she heard  
  
was the sound of Jeanie rooting around. Stop it, she told herself  
  
again, there's no one here. If you keep acting like a nut,  
  
they're going to start to wonder about the medication. She felt  
  
the collection of Prozac pills that were accumulating in her  
  
jacket pockets and shuddered. She had stopped taking it, almost  
  
as soon as they had left Chicago. It hadn't helped, not really.  
  
The first few days, yes, it had made her feel calm but if  
  
anything the nightmares had intensified to where she literally  
  
hadn't been able to sleep. So she started palming the pills. It  
  
wasn't hard. Though her companions made a lot of noise to  
  
themselves about keeping an eye on her, it was simple to avoid  
  
them and their concern. She had a gun, for example. A small .22  
  
pistol that she kept in her jacket pocket just in case her daily  
  
keeper decided to take off and she found herself in a bind.  
  
And that was the real fear wasn't it? The thought reared  
  
itself from behind her mentally imposed wall of avoidance and  
  
forced her to think about it. The fear that at some point her  
  
companions were going to get tired of being held up by the  
  
crippled psychotic in their midst. She was a drag on the group, a  
  
liability. They didn't trust her by herself because of the  
  
incident with Walker (what "incident", her inner voice asked, you  
  
went crazy and shot the man fifteen times for kicks) and she  
  
wasn't able to help with much of the work. They didn't need her  
  
for her medical skill, and sometimes the fear that they would  
  
decide to leave her overwhelmed her thoughts. Then she would be  
  
alone, and if she was alone, keeping all of her stray emotions  
  
and odd notions behind the wall would be impossible.  
  
She fingered the small gun. Using the gun was a bad idea,  
  
she thought suddenly. The bullets were too small, and it was  
  
underpowered. If she didn't hit exactly the right spot, she might  
  
live. Or at least linger on for a while unpleasantly. Pills would  
  
be better. No chance of survival if she took the pills at night  
  
before going to bed. None of them would catch on until the next  
  
morning and by then it would be too late. The Prozac she had been  
  
saving would do the job.  
  
After a moment, she shook her head. Stop it, she told  
  
herself. That's not the answer. Things are getting better. So  
  
they don't trust you, that's to be expected. They are getting  
  
over it. They aren't going to leave you behind somewhere, not  
  
without some warning at least. They weren't very good at hiding  
  
their plans, and it seemed clear that Doug was going to face  
  
their wrath first. She had already overheard some serious talk of  
  
an ultimatum. It was a plan doomed to failure, not that anyone  
  
had bothered to include her in the discussion.  
  
Not that it was a new thing. She sighed again. Decisions  
  
were made around her, sometimes without even a perfunctionary "  
  
What do you think?" At first, it hadn't bothered her. She had,  
  
she was willing to admit, been in no shape to make good  
  
decisions. Plus, the Prozac had kept her from thinking. By the  
  
time she'd stopped taking the medication, they had already gotten  
  
into the habit of not including her. She tried to not let it  
  
bother her, knowing that there was more than a little reason to  
  
distrust her rational thinking, but as time wore on, it made her  
  
increasingly angry. She put those feelings behind her carefully  
  
reconstructed mental wall. Getting angry would be a "sign" that  
  
she wasn't coping. It was a sign that she was crazy still.  
  
She shivered again. She couldn't shake the creepy sensation  
  
that someone was in the store with them. She spotted a few rats,  
  
and let out the breath she had been unconsciously holding. It's  
  
just more rats, she thought with relief.  
  
" It's not just rats, Kerry." She spun around at the sound  
  
of the darkly masculine voice, but no one was there. Cold sweat  
  
broke out all over her body. The voice chuckled at her fright. I  
  
know that voice, she thought.  
  
" Of course you know my voice." Again he chuckled, and Kerry  
  
realized who it was. The dark man, the man in her dreams. She  
  
knew him, if not by his looks, then by his voice and the ice cold  
  
sensation that made her ache. Flagg, she thought suddenly, that's  
  
his name.  
  
" That's just one of my names, but please, feel free to call  
  
me that." He chuckled again. " I have many names. I thought we'd  
  
have a little chat. You may want to keep quiet though, since your  
  
HIV positive friend can't hear me. She'd probably think you were  
  
having another psychotic episode. And of course you wouldn't want  
  
that."  
  
No, Kerry thought as she struggled to control her racing  
  
heart, Jeanie catching me talking to an aural hallucination would  
  
be bad. She took a deep breath and let it out. I'm just imagining  
  
this, she told herself, its not real.  
  
" Oh you can tell yourself if you like." Flagg chuckled.  
  
Again, she looked around, hoping to find someone there, but  
  
instead she heard more laughter in her ears. " You don't really  
  
want to see me, Kerry. Or should I call you Dr. Weaver? I think I  
  
should. This is a professional negotiation after all."  
  
I'm not hearing this, she told herself. I'm not listening to  
  
a demon from my dreams make me some sort of job offer. She wiped  
  
the sweat off her brow with shaking hands.  
  
" But you are hearing it," Flagg said simply. " And perhaps  
  
you should listen instead of turning my offer down. I'm amassing  
  
my forces. We need a doctor. I'm willing to... forgive your  
  
earlier turndown. The offer stands. Come to my side and you'll be  
  
a doctor again. A respected and trusted member of my high  
  
council. You'll never have that with these people, you know. Do  
  
you really think they'll ever let you practice medicine again?  
  
With your history of murderous rampage? I'm surprised they  
  
haven't dumped you by the road side yet, and of course, they  
  
certainly have considered it."  
  
No they haven't, she thought, not yet at least. Doug was the  
  
big problem, with his drinking. They're more worried about that.  
  
But then, there was a part of her that wasn't that sure. She  
  
forced those thoughts back behind the wall.  
  
" Of course they've considered it. You aren't fooling them."  
  
Flagg chuckled again and she felt the cold sensation running  
  
through body increase in intensity. " That brings me to your  
  
portion of the bargain. It's no longer a free ride. If you come  
  
to my side, you need to do something for me. I don't want the  
  
other side to have doctors."  
  
There was no doubt in her mind what he meant. No, she  
  
thought.  
  
Icy cold hands grabbed her shoulders, and she could feel his  
  
freezing breath next to her ear. She turned slightly, but the  
  
invisible hands held her still. " Oh Kerry, " he whispered into  
  
her ear, " Don't you see you'd be doing them all a favor? I'm  
  
going to win and their lives are forfeit. And really, what do  
  
they have to live for? Jeanie won't last more than a few years  
  
and she'll die painfully and slowly. Kovac has had a foot in the  
  
grave ever since he watched his family die by torture. Doug? He's  
  
been a dead man ever since his little chippy died. He just  
  
doesn't know enough to stop breathing. And the other three? Lucy,  
  
Carter and Randi? Do you know what I'll have to do to them? Do  
  
you want that? Their deaths could take days. You'd be showing  
  
them mercy by taking care of it for me. Just put a little rat  
  
poison in tonight's dinner..."  
  
" No..." She whispered it but that didn't make it any less  
  
true. She couldn't do it. More importantly, she wouldn't do it.  
  
It went against everything she ever had believed in. " I'd... I'd  
  
kill myself first."  
  
" Well, that is always an amusing option." She felt him let  
  
go and in seconds the only thing she could hear was the sound of  
  
her own rapid breathing. It wasn't real, she told herself again  
  
as she wiped her brow again. It wasn't and I'd never do that. She  
  
felt the pills in her pocket again. I won't do what he wants. I'm  
  
not going to kill anyone. They don't deserve that.  
  
" Kerry?" She jumped at the sound of Jeanie's voice. She  
  
spun around. Jeanie looked at her worriedly. " Are you ok? You  
  
look flushed."  
  
" I..." Her voice trailed off. Get it back under control,  
  
she told herself. You didn't hear anything. Only crazy people  
  
hear voices from their dreams telling them to kill. You didn't  
  
hear any voices. Just put this whole incident behind the wall and  
  
forget about it. Keep everything calm and cool and no one needs  
  
to know about the dreams and the dark man. Everything will be  
  
fine. " I'm fine. Just a little hot."  
  
" You sure? " Jeanie asked, concern in her voice. " I hope  
  
you're not coming down with what Lucy's got."  
  
" No, I'm just a little hot I think. Do we have everything?"  
  
She just wanted to get out of there.  
  
" Everything but the corn." Jeanie's good mood seemed to  
  
return. " Let's get going." She made for the door. Kerry followed  
  
her. She mentally counted the pills she had saved. There's  
  
enough, she thought. If it comes to that, I have enough to do the  
  
job. 


	18. Chapter 18

" ER/Stand Part 18 "  
  
Luka stood alone on the small balcony, a cigarette in hand.  
  
He didn't normally smoke, he hadn't in years. His wife hadn't  
  
liked it, but every once in a while he craved a cigarette. He had  
  
made it a point to not pick up any cigarettes over the last few  
  
weeks as he knew the stress would make him smoke like a chimney.  
  
He'd found the pack of Marlboro's on top of the manager's desk  
  
and just slipped it into his pocket. Just one or two, he told  
  
himself, and just tonight. He didn't want lung cancer in a world  
  
that didn't have electrical power. It was a slow unpleasant death  
  
with state of the art medical care. One smoke though, that was  
  
relaxing, and he needed to relax.  
  
It was almost three a.m.. In theory, he was supposed to be  
  
watching Lucy until the sun rose, but Carter had offered to stay  
  
up, since he said he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep for  
  
just a few hours. It was a nice gesture, even though he doubted  
  
it had crossed Carter's mind that he might not be able to get  
  
back to sleep either. The small travel alarm going off had been a  
  
blessing in disguise. He'd been in the throws of another  
  
nightmare. Tomorrow night, he told himself, I'm taking a sleeping  
  
pill. He'd done that a few times on their journey, though he  
  
tried not to get in the habit. A part of him worried about  
  
disgruntled survivors. Carter had made a good point early on,  
  
they were traveling with four attractive women. Some survivors  
  
might not care about personal choice and preference. He didn't  
  
want to drug himself to sleep at night knowing that was a  
  
possibility.  
  
They would have to stay there another day, he was sure of  
  
that. Lucy was looking better, the fever was down and she seemed  
  
more lucid, but it was better to not take chances. The idea of  
  
stopping disturbed him a bit, but he put that aside. The only  
  
reason it disturbs you, he told himself, is because you keep  
  
having those dreams. Not just the bad dream, that dream just made  
  
him want to stay exactly where he was or better yet, head east.  
  
Put some distance between himself and the evil he thought was  
  
growing in the west. In Las Vegas. He'd been there once, soon  
  
after he'd come to America, and it had given him the creeps even  
  
then. In his other dream, the dream with the old woman, there had  
  
been some changes. She was also on her way to Colorado, and  
  
despite the fact that it was just a dream, it made him feel  
  
better knowing that they were heading in the right direction. Or  
  
at least they were heading towards the "good" side.  
  
Which was a perfectly ridiculous thought. My dreams aren't  
  
real, he told himself as he took another drag on the cigarette.  
  
On the other hand, he decided, I feel better about going to  
  
Colorado, even if we do need to take another day off. He just  
  
didn't see the point in rushing. Yes, he wanted to keep moving,  
  
but it would take longer for Lucy to get well even if she was  
  
riding in the truck instead of cycling. Then, of course, five  
  
days from now they would have to stop again because with so much  
  
exposure, Kerry would be sick. He sensed she would be a worse  
  
patient than Lucy.  
  
He worried. He accepted that it was simply a part of his  
  
personality that he worried quite a lot. Even though things  
  
definitely seemed better, he couldn't help but worry just a  
  
little. Little things really. His inability to sleep, the dreams  
  
he had, the uneasy way they never discussed Doug's drinking, it  
  
all concerned him.  
  
" I didn't know you smoked." He looked up, surprised to see  
  
Jeanie standing on the balcony. She wasn't one of the people in  
  
the group that usually wandered around in the middle of the  
  
night. He did occasionally, enough to know that Carter and Kerry  
  
often had late night snack and card playing sessions.  
  
He smiled sheepishly and gestured to the lit cigarette. " I  
  
don't... My wife didn't like it. "  
  
" It's ok." She smiled. " I used to smoke. My husband didn't  
  
like it." She tapped the pack that he had left sitting on the  
  
railing. " Do you mind?"  
  
" Go ahead." He watched as she deftly lit a cigarette. "  
  
I... I didn't realize you had been married." She certainly was  
  
taking her husband's death well, he thought.  
  
" We were divorced. He cheated on me with more women than I  
  
can count, he gave me HIV, and I imagine he's probably dead now."  
  
She chuckled. " And I miss him, which is about the stupidest  
  
thing I've ever felt. I miss a lot of people. Sometimes...  
  
sometimes I just miss people."  
  
" I know what you mean," he said after a moment. He gestured  
  
out across the vast fields of corn that was the only real view  
  
the second story motel balcony had. " This just seems so empty."  
  
Jeanie laughed again. " I think this place was always this  
  
empty, but I know what you mean. I keep thinking that I can't  
  
believe this is happening, but I wake up every morning and  
  
nothing has changed."  
  
" We're all in shock." Luka said softly. " Each one of us.  
  
We're just expressing it differently. Doug is drinking. " He  
  
sighed. " I wish I knew how to help him. When my wife... when my  
  
wife and children were killed, I started to drink, but my father  
  
got me to stop. I could take him aside, but I doubt he'd listen  
  
to me."  
  
After a moment, Jeanie nodded. " You're right. He needs  
  
someone to talk to. The problem is that the best people to do  
  
that are dead."  
  
" Carol and... Mark?" Luka wasn't certain about the second  
  
name. Mark seemed to have been everyone's friend, counselor or  
  
teacher, while Carol had been solely Doug's.  
  
Jeanie nodded again. " Mark would have talked some sense  
  
into him. They were good for each other. Mark gave Doug a  
  
conscience and Doug made Mark lighten up." She sighed. " It's  
  
probably better that Mark's not here. He had a tendency to get  
  
depressed under good circumstances. Still... I miss him. He had  
  
this way of being calm in a crisis. His own life could be a  
  
complete mess but give him a problem, and he'd kill himself  
  
trying to fix it." She smiled ruefully.  
  
Luka watched her expression carefully. " You were a problem  
  
weren't you? And he wasn't your favorite person."  
  
" He found out I had HIV. I almost lost my job." She  
  
shrugged. " It all seems pretty silly now. Especially the HIV.  
  
The superflu makes that look like nothing." She took a long drag  
  
off the cigarette. " Doug wouldn't listen to me. He'd probably  
  
laugh at Lucy and Randi and Carter. I think Kerry would enjoy  
  
yelling at Doug, but I don't think that'd help." Again she  
  
chuckled.  
  
" I'm sorry, maybe I just don't know them that well... I  
  
just don't see this hostility." It hadn't exactly bothered him,  
  
but he had heard too many stories from Carter and Randi to accept  
  
that mild sniping and petty name calling was the extent of Doug  
  
and Kerry's weird little relationship.  
  
" They've been on their best behavior, I think. Plus, he's  
  
drinking and she's taking Prozac. Besides, they'll never admit it  
  
but they would be lost without each other to complain about." She  
  
edged closer to him as the wind picked up. The rain had cooled  
  
the evening off quite a bit. He almost put his arm around her,  
  
but stopped himself. It seemed a little forward even though now  
  
she was leaning into him.  
  
" But would he listen to her?" That was the question that he  
  
had. Something had to be done.  
  
She shook her head. " Probably not. You may not realize  
  
this, but they're a lot alike. They both like getting their own  
  
way. Kerry uses rules like a sword to get her way. Doug breaks  
  
rules with a club to get his way. And now we don't have rules."  
  
" I didn't think of it that way. No frame of reference any  
  
more. " She was so close, he could smell her scent. Not perfume,  
  
but the fresh sweet smell of soap. Stop it, he told himself, she  
  
isn't interested.  
  
She moved in even closer, so that if he raised his hands,  
  
she would be in his arms. She must not realize, he thought, so  
  
don't move. She turned her head, so that she was looking up at  
  
him. He could see tears in her eyes and he realized suddenly that  
  
she was close to breaking down. " It's just so hard..." she  
  
whispered. " Everyone's trying but I just feel so unhappy.  
  
Everything's fallen apart and no matter how hard I try, nothing  
  
seems to come back together."  
  
Her expression was so lost and forlorn, he put aside his  
  
earlier vow and held her close. She started to cry softly. Her  
  
arms came up around him and they embraced. For the longest  
  
moment, that's all they did. Then, they kissed. Luka forgot  
  
everything he'd been worrying about, and let the moment overtake  
  
him as they kissed passionately.  
  
She was the first to break away. " I'm sorry," she said as  
  
she pulled away and wiped her eyes. " We can't do this."  
  
" Why not?" he asked. Is it more than just sheer attraction,  
  
he asked himself. Yes, yes it was. He found her attractive but  
  
more than that she was smart and holding herself together and  
  
trying so hard to keep everything going.  
  
" Luka, I have HIV." She said it softly, but clearly she  
  
expected him to back away from the very sound of the words spoken  
  
out loud.  
  
" Jeanie.... I know you have HIV." He gestured out towards  
  
the vast empty fields. " So you have HIV. That's no reason not to  
  
live. How many people do you think died this year? This was  
  
their last summer and you know they didn't expect it. We have  
  
been given a gift this summer. " As he spoke the words, he knew  
  
in his heart that he did believe them. It was a gift to be alive  
  
on a cool summer night with a beautiful, sensitive bright woman  
  
like the one standing before him. " Jeanie... I want to be with  
  
you tonight."  
  
She seemed overwhelmed by his offer. " I... You need to use  
  
a condom. " Much to his surprise she started to blush. " I don't  
  
mean to be so blunt but..."  
  
He grinned. " I know how a condom works. I imagine there  
  
might be some where I found the cigarettes. Do you want me to  
  
look?"  
  
She hooked her arm around his. " Yes, I do." 


	19. Chapter 19

" ER/Stand part 19"  
  
She walked through the rows of corn, taking odd comfort in  
  
the gentle wind and the surprisingly sweet smell of the fresh  
  
damp earth. She wasn't a country girl, by no means, but she could  
  
appreciate a beautiful summer day. The bright clear blue sky was  
  
untroubled by clouds or airplane contrails, and a part of her, a  
  
big part really, was starting to not miss all of the hustle and  
  
bustle of modern life. The night before, after the first meal  
  
she'd enjoyed in almost a month, they had played Monopoly for  
  
hours. A stupid game, and made slightly depressing by the use of  
  
real money that Doug had brought from one of the town banks, but  
  
fun just the same simply because everyone had gotten into it. It  
  
had been Doug's idea to play though, and he hadn't touched a drop  
  
of liquor all evening. Of course, that hadn't stopped him from  
  
starting to get drunk as soon as the game was done, but he had  
  
tried at least. Her father had been a drunk. Not the desperate  
  
sort of depressed drunk that Doug was, but a real drunk. Doug  
  
still had the capability of stopping himself. She doubted he  
  
realized that. Certainly none of the doctor types would listen to  
  
her thoughts on the matter.  
  
Oh that's not fair, she told herself after a moment. You  
  
don't give them much to base an opinion on, what with your snide  
  
remarks and skills in petty theft. That was certainly the way to  
  
prove your worth with a group of highly educated people. Randi  
  
shook her head. They were good people, she knew that, but they  
  
weren't the most practical people on the face of the earth and  
  
they definitely weren't very aware. Doug drank almost constantly  
  
but no one seemed to notice until he brought out the bottle. She  
  
knew Kerry had overheard most if not all of their discussions on  
  
her mental state. Randi knew the older woman had stopped taking  
  
the Prozac, which made a number of the discussions concerning the  
  
medication rather funny. How they could miss the fact that she  
  
was palming the pills every morning was beyond her. Randi hadn't  
  
said anything since Kerry had seemed pleasant and calm. A little  
  
too calm considering all that had been happening but Randi got  
  
the sense that she was attempting to portray herself as better  
  
than she probably was.  
  
Which was just fine with Randi. A Dr. Weaver forcing herself  
  
to be calm and pleasant meant far fewer arguments and screaming  
  
matches with Dr. Weaver. Randi had worked in the ER far too long  
  
to think that situation was normal. Normal, she thought, was  
  
everyone ignoring me, so at least that's pretty normal.  
  
It made her angry, to be honest. She didn't expect or want  
  
attention focused on her every second. A simple " thank you for  
  
opening that locked door" was all she wanted. These people would  
  
be lost without me, she thought as she whapped corn leaves out of  
  
her way. Take Carter. He was very good at doctoring, but when it  
  
came to practical things, like auto repair or finding fresh  
  
water, he was next to useless. She'd rather be left alone with  
  
Lucy, who was willing to learn the finer points of keeping a  
  
motorcycle running. Lucy was, she had to admit, trying very hard  
  
to be friendly. In a way, it made her feel bad since she hadn't  
  
exactly been receptive. Lucy was just so young seeming. They  
  
didn't have a lot in common except surviving the flu and being  
  
about the same age.  
  
At least she didn't run off at the drop of a hat, she  
  
thought darkly. Carter had run off early that morning with  
  
promises of a "surprise". She wondered if he had any idea what a  
  
mess he'd left behind. Neither Jeanie or Luka were in any mood to  
  
be responsible. They had driven off promising steaks and  
  
brandishing shot guns. She would believe it when she had a rare  
  
steak on her plate. Sure, they might actually kill a cow, though  
  
she had honest doubts on whether they understood just where  
  
hamburger came from, it was the butchering of the victim cow that  
  
would stymie them.  
  
Those two were something of a surprise. For their part, they  
  
seemed awkward about it, awkward but happy. She was fine with it,  
  
though more than a touch jealous. Luka was very attractive, and  
  
she wasn't blind. Still, Jeanie deserved something nice to  
  
happen. Randi wasn't a medical professional by any means but she  
  
knew what Jeanie had. She supposed that was why Jeanie was always  
  
so depressed. Even Doug had good moods when he wasn't drunk.  
  
Carter was relatively cheerful on a daily basis. Lucy was almost  
  
too perky, but Randi allowed that it might have something to do  
  
with the Ritalin she took. That was a habit the other young woman  
  
had kept hidden, mostly from embarrassment. Despite having been  
  
so sick the night before that she had to be carried to bed, Lucy  
  
had been bright eyed and exuberant that morning. No doubt she was  
  
driving Kerry insane, Randi thought with a smile. Kerry was in a  
  
funk anyway so it would do her some good to be around Lucy. The  
  
situation with Luka and Jeanie had honestly pleased the older  
  
woman, so that wasn't what had set her mood off.  
  
Probably it was Doug, Randi thought as she continued moving  
  
through the corn toward. Doug generally made everyone angry with  
  
the nonstop drinking. Doug, or maybe she wasn't sleeping well.  
  
Idly, she wondered if Kerry's dreams were as bad as her own had  
  
been. She had, at one point, been munching the sleep medication  
  
like it was candy. Her own moods after one of the dreams where  
  
the dark man chased and chased her were usually pretty terrible.  
  
" Carter!" she yelled, getting tired of searching for him. "  
  
Where the hell are you?"  
  
" Keep walking!" She headed towards his voice. In a matter  
  
of seconds she had cleared the cornfield and was standing near  
  
the bank of a small river. She had spotted it from the motel  
  
balcony the day before, though from there the only thing that  
  
could be seen were low trees in a row. There was a small dock  
  
edging out into the water and seated on it was Carter. His feet  
  
were dangling into the water and he was casting a fishing line.  
  
Fishing, she thought with some irritation, he's out fishing. Yet  
  
another thing she suspected he wasn't very good at. Carter was a  
  
clumsy bumbler with almost every task. He tended to drop anything  
  
that was handed to him and though Luka had taken the worst spill  
  
on the motorcycles, Carter had taken the most.  
  
" What are you doing?" she asked. It seemed obvious but one  
  
never really knew.  
  
He grinned at her as she stepped out onto the dock and held  
  
up a string of fish. Even to her inexperienced eye, it looked  
  
like an excellent catch. " I'm providing a feast for the tribe.  
  
While everyone is out gathering roots and berries, I will be  
  
bringing home much needed protein."  
  
Ok, Randi told herself, I am impressed that he actually  
  
caught fish. She took a seat next to him. " I was just..." What  
  
was I doing, she asked herself. The only real reason she had gone  
  
looking for Carter was that she was bored and irritated that  
  
everyone that was well and physically capable of walking long  
  
distances had taken off. " I just needed to get away."  
  
" I know the feeling." Carter said. He reeled in the line.  
  
The hook was empty. " We're not the jolliest group are we? How  
  
have you been? You seem to be handling things... so much better  
  
than everyone else. " At first she thought he was joking, but  
  
after a moment she realized he was being completely serious. Not  
  
only that, he meant it as a compliment. Not only had he noticed  
  
what she'd been doing, he was impressed. Despite herself, she  
  
found herself growing flush with pleasure.  
  
His expression grew concerned, and embarrassed. " I didn't  
  
mean anything by that... Just that you seem so... collected.  
  
Sometimes I think you're the only one in this group that knows  
  
what to do." He gestured to the fishing pole. " You may not have  
  
noticed but I'm not exactly pulling survival tricks out of my bag  
  
hand over fist. I can fish, I know how to hunt deer, and I could  
  
take out your appendix if the need arose. That's pretty much it."  
  
He sighed. " I guess I was just thinking we don't say thank you  
  
very much to each other, you especially." He turned and looked at  
  
her. " Thank you."  
  
" Your welcome, " she stammered. She looked down at her  
  
feet. You are not blushing, she told herself harshly, you are  
  
not blushing just because he complimented you. Its not like he  
  
finds you attractive or anything. He just feels bad for not  
  
acknowledging you. That's not an advance. That's really not  
  
anything.  
  
It wouldn't hurt to return the favor either, she realized  
  
after a moment. Carter wasn't doing such a bad job, not really.  
  
He wasn't the most competent, that was true, but he did try. He  
  
did manage to keep everyone organized and there were a lot of  
  
potential personality conflicts that he smoothed over. Carter  
  
kept everyone from jumping down each other's throats with his  
  
quick deflections and changes in discussion. She looked to Kovac  
  
for physical leadership, where to go, how to get there, but she  
  
realized that they all looked to Carter to keep them focused. "  
  
You know, " she said softly, " Sometimes, when everyone is  
  
arguing and you're there nodding along and then completely turn  
  
everything around, you remind me of Dr. Greene. He had that way  
  
of... agreeing with everyone's points but making sure that his  
  
opinion got full consideration."  
  
He smiled. She spotted a flash of pain cross his face, but  
  
it was gone almost in an instant. " That's about as good of a  
  
compliment as I can ever hope to get. For years he was the doctor  
  
I tried to imitate. I miss Mark... In a way I wish he was here.  
  
He was a good guy." He sighed. " And I wish Peter was here. And  
  
Carol.... And everyone really."  
  
" I know what you mean," she said after a moment. There were  
  
times she even missed the score of homeless people that used the  
  
ER as their crash pad.  
  
Carter chuckled again. " You know, Dr. Weaver said something  
  
to me a few weeks ago. Did you ever think, at this point last  
  
summer, that this is what you'd be doing? That you'd be sitting  
  
here with me in Iowa, fishing. That everyone would be dead and  
  
that you and I and the rest of our group would be the building  
  
blocks of a new civilization? "  
  
" Makes you a touch concerned for the future doesn't it?"  
  
Randi said jokingly. It made her feel frightened in a way, but  
  
deep down she had to admit, it was exhilarating in its own way.  
  
Carter recast his line. " At the time it depressed the hell  
  
out of me. "  
  
" You should hear her go on about the Mir Space Station, "  
  
Randi said. That had been a fun midnight chat.  
  
He laughed. " Yes, we've had that talk too. I guess though,  
  
the best thing we can do is move forward. Things are either going  
  
to be better or worse and it all pretty much depends on us.  
  
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by that."  
  
" I never thought I'd ever be in Iowa." Randi said, hoping  
  
to cheer him up. " You know, this is the farthest I've ever been  
  
from Chicago. " She found herself looking him over. He was, she  
  
admitted, a good looking clumsy bumbler. " This is probably the  
  
first time we ever really talked too. You gotta wonder... Think  
  
we'd ever have talked like this before the plague?"  
  
Carter looked at her again, this time with sudden interest  
  
in his eyes. " Probably not, but I've been regretting that for a  
  
while now. Maybe we should start over. You're not Randi the desk  
  
clerk and I'm not John the doctor, not any more. Its a different  
  
world. " He held out his hand to her. " Hi, I'm John. Would you  
  
like to learn how to catch fish?"  
  
She smiled, and took his hand in hers. " I'm Randi, and yes  
  
I would."  
  
He handed her the pole. " Maybe later you can show me how to  
  
pick locks."  
  
And maybe, she thought as she took the pole, this is what I  
  
hope it is. She cast out the line, and let his hands guide hers  
  
as they fished together. 


	20. Chapter 20

" ER/Stand part 20 "  
  
Is it me, Lucy wondered, or are these two trying to piss me  
  
off? She didn't think it was intentional on their part, not  
  
really, but Doug and Kerry were making her nuts. Being left alone  
  
with the town drunk and town crazy was not helping. Everyone else  
  
had evidently gone on excursions. Randi hadn't even said where  
  
she was going. Not that I'm Randi's keeper, she mused as she  
  
wandered into the restaurant, it just sucks that I'm stuck here.  
  
She still didn't feel that great. She was congested and had  
  
no real appetite, despite the warm pleasant smells that pervaded  
  
the kitchen. She would rather be out exploring the area with  
  
others than stuck waiting for everyone's return. Even Doug had  
  
taken off over an hour ago, looking for something to do. No doubt  
  
he would amuse himself by breaking windows and taking amusing  
  
items from stores. She had to admit, there were times when that  
  
was fun, but Doug tended to get a little too into the  
  
destruction. Deep down, she thought he was very angry at  
  
something. She assumed it was over Carol. She was smart enough to  
  
admit that she didn't know what the problem was, not really. She  
  
hadn't known Carol well. Certainly she had been a nice woman, and  
  
it had been obvious that she was in love with Doug. There had  
  
even been talk among the nurses that they had been trying to have  
  
a baby. That had to be hard, though she again was willing to  
  
admit that it was outside her experience. She'd never had a  
  
relationship longer than a few months and her mother had never  
  
been one to keep a man around for long. She didn't really see the  
  
need herself, though they were handy now and then. More so now,  
  
with the world going to complete hell in a hand basket.  
  
Sometimes, late at night especially, she wanted nothing more than  
  
to have a man's arms around her. That wasn't a particularly  
  
feminist notion, but it wasn't a very feminist world either. Some  
  
of the people they had come across had been dangerous. If they  
  
hadn't had a few large, strong looking men in their group, Lucy  
  
suspected there would have been trouble.  
  
I'm bored, she decided. And whatever Kerry is making smells  
  
good. She walked into the restaurant kitchen. It was a little  
  
dim, even with the early afternoon bright sunlight streaming in  
  
through the west windows. The windows were just too small and the  
  
kitchen had depended on electrical lighting. Lucy sighed. She  
  
missed electricity. She really missed hot water. A long hot  
  
shower would feel so good, she thought.  
  
Kerry was fussing at the oven. There were cookies lined up  
  
on the counter, a lot of cookies. Lucy almost smiled. She  
  
wondered if Kerry realized that she telegraphed her level of  
  
tension and upset by cooking job lots of food. Even as starved as  
  
they all were for food that didn't come out of a can or loaded  
  
with preservatives, there was no way they could eat six dozen  
  
cookies in one sitting. At least they keep well, Lucy thought,  
  
and maybe she'll make us pancakes tomorrow. " Dr. Weaver? What  
  
are you doing?"  
  
" I think it's rather obvious," Kerry muttered. She pulled a  
  
tray of cookies out of the oven. " And I said you could call me  
  
Kerry. We're not at work, and I am not your boss. In fact, as I  
  
understand the secret schedule, you're my keeper for the day. It  
  
makes using titles of respect a little ridiculous, don't you  
  
think?"  
  
Oh good, Lucy though, I get to be the one blamed for this.  
  
Wonderful. I deserve this, I really do. It wasn't even my idea,  
  
it was Kovac's and he was more worried that she'd have dizziness  
  
as a side effect. That had been her concern too. " We were  
  
worried about side effects of the medication. You know, Prozac  
  
causes dizziness. What if you fell or something? What if you  
  
steered that truck into a tree because you were dizzy? How do you  
  
think we'd feel if that happened?"  
  
" Spare me your concern, and your good intentions." Kerry  
  
slid the hot cookies off the sheet and onto the counter. " It  
  
wasn't discussed with me, was it?" She was definitely angry.  
  
Angry and very tired looking.  
  
And of course I get left holding the bag, Lucy thought  
  
tiredly. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not even a doctor, and I'm  
  
the one left alone with the delusional woman. The same delusional  
  
woman who has been not only delusional but probably suicidal  
  
since mid June, one of the unspoken reasons that Lucy worried  
  
about letting her drive by herself. " Were you in any state of  
  
mind to talk about it? Really? Because in case you forgot, you  
  
were acting pretty strange. You still are. You haven't said more  
  
than two words to anyone since everything happened, and you  
  
wonder why we're concerned. Did it ever cross your mind that  
  
we've been worried?"  
  
She was shouting but she didn't care. The truth was, she had  
  
been sick with worry for the last six weeks. Worry that the flu  
  
was going to kill everyone, worry that Doug was going to choke on  
  
his own vomit after a drinking binge, worry that someone was  
  
going to shoot at them, and worry that Kerry was going to snap  
  
and have a real psychotic break. She worried that her dreams kept  
  
intensifying to the point where she felt like she was playing  
  
russian roulette with sleep. She worried like hell and she didn't  
  
feel like taking the blame for a situation that wasn't of her  
  
making.  
  
Her words seemed to strike Kerry like sharp blows. The older  
  
woman paled. " I'm sorry..." she said softly. " I just... None of  
  
you even talk to me." She put a hand to her head, as if a  
  
headache had come on suddenly. " You can talk to me if you're  
  
concerned. I shouldn't have to overhear you all discussing me  
  
like I'm a mentally incompetent child. I'm not afraid of  
  
discussing what happened, I just don't remember very much.  
  
Maybe... maybe I'd like to talk about it. Maybe it would help."  
  
Am I seeing things, Lucy wondered with something close to  
  
awe, or is she about to cry? Have we completely isolated her with  
  
our concern? We've made it worse, she realized sadly. A lot of  
  
her fear about Kerry's behavior faded in that instant. It wasn't  
  
psychosis, it wasn't even depression, not really. " We can talk.  
  
I guess we all just thought that you didn't want to talk. We can  
  
talk over cookies." She started to grab a cookie off of a small  
  
pile that had been set aside from the rest. Kerry quickly jumped  
  
forward and smacked her hand.  
  
" Don't eat those, " she warned. " Those are bad."  
  
" Why? Whats wrong with them?" Lucy dropped the cookie and  
  
Kerry scooped them up and tossed them into a nearby trash can.  
  
They had looked fine. " Bad batch?"  
  
Kerry nodded. " I um... Some rat poison was next to the  
  
sugar. I mixed these up and then... I realized they were bad but  
  
I figured I could use them to test the oven."  
  
That was a little odd, Lucy thought. " There was rat poison  
  
next to the sugar?"  
  
" I thought it was strange too," Kerry said quickly. Lucy  
  
wasn't quite sure how to take that. It was strange, a little too  
  
strange, but she put aside her misgivings. " Why don't we go into  
  
the restaurant?"  
  
" Hey there!" Both women turned at the sound of Doug's  
  
voice. He sauntered into the kitchen, holding several paper  
  
grocery bags in his arms. " I went shopping. Kerry, do you still  
  
feel like cooking? Because I brought some brownie mix, and if you  
  
were to make brownies, I'm prepared to give you a bright shiny  
  
Rolex." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the watch. Lucy  
  
was no expert, but it was easily a five thousand dollar item. "  
  
Come on Kerry, don't make me dangle it in a hypnotic fashion."  
  
Kerry looked at him and then at Lucy. Finally she took the  
  
bags from him and started to unpack them. " You don't have to ply  
  
me with shiny objects. You just have to ask. Do you want  
  
chocolate chips in them?"  
  
Doug smiled. " You are so much easier to get along with when  
  
you've taken your happy pills. I would love chocolate chips. What  
  
do you think, Lucy?"  
  
Lucy wanted to shake him. She was about to help Kerry and  
  
now she saw the opportunity circling the toilet. He had  
  
distracted Kerry and now the opportunity had passed. " Chocolate  
  
chips in the brownies are fine. " She started to edge towards the  
  
door. " Are you ok, Kerry?"  
  
" I'm fine. We can talk later." Kerry returned to unpacking  
  
the groceries. Doug turned to go, but Kerry stopped him with a  
  
look. " Did I say I didn't want the watch?"  
  
Doug grinned and chuckled, and for an instant, Lucy saw the  
  
man that he had been before. Charming, flirtatious, maybe a  
  
little irresponsible. He presented the watch to Kerry with a  
  
flourish. " For you, my sweet little mentally unbalanced  
  
chickadee."  
  
He's flirting with her, Lucy thought. Not seriously, but  
  
he's definitely flirting, and she thought it was a little creepy.  
  
Even more creepy was that Kerry was clearly enjoying it, if not  
  
taking it very seriously. She followed Doug out into the  
  
restaurant. It wasn't his fault, she understood that, but she had  
  
to discuss it with someone and for once Doug wasn't drunk.  
  
" Doug, " she said, " You interrupted something there. I  
  
think Kerry was about to talk about what happened that day with  
  
Walker."  
  
" Really?" Doug said casually. He walked over to the  
  
restaurant bar and cracked open a beer. " She was actually going  
  
to discuss the whole rape and everything? With you?" He seemed  
  
incredulous.  
  
" She was raped?" Lucy was stunned. " Captain Walker raped  
  
her? How do you know that?" It made sense, that was the sad part.  
  
It made a lot of sense.  
  
He shrugged. " I examined her right after. I don't know for  
  
certain, but it's a pretty good guess. She said she didn't  
  
remember. " He took a long drink of beer. " However, I'm guessing  
  
by your stunned expression that she didn't tell you anything  
  
about it, so I don't think it should go any further. I shouldn't  
  
have said anything. You shouldn't say anything."  
  
" Doug, that's exactly what I mean. " She was about to say  
  
more but Doug waved his hand at her.  
  
" Lucy, if you were raped, or maybe raped, would you really  
  
want a long public discussion with our traveling companions over  
  
it? Would it make you feel better? Or would it feel like you were  
  
being raped again? Think about it. I didn't say anything because  
  
in case you missed it, Kerry's not the most open person. If she  
  
wants to talk, great. I agree with you, she needs to talk. You  
  
just don't need to bring up that. I wasn't supposed to tell  
  
anyone." Doug drank more of his beer.  
  
" Doug..." He had a point, Lucy reasoned, but at the same  
  
time, it seemed like they were just going to ignore the problem.  
  
Much the way they ignored Doug's drinking. Why not give that a  
  
try, Lucy thought. " Doug, you really are drinking too much. It's  
  
three in the afternoon. You're going to hurt yourself doing this.  
  
Do you think Carol would want you to do this to yourself?"  
  
That wasn't the thing to say, she realized. Doug's  
  
expression went from serious to irritated in an instant. " Lucy,  
  
you don't mention Carol to me. You barely knew Carol. You don't  
  
have the right to talk about what Carol would or wouldn't have  
  
wanted. Are we clear on that?" She nodded, sensing that she had  
  
pushed too far. Doug was another one that needed to talk, but she  
  
was in over her head. He drank more beer. " I do not need some  
  
wet behind the ears little girl telling me what to do."  
  
I don't need this, Lucy decided. She wanted to help, she  
  
did, but he wasn't ready and she didn't want to have an argument.  
  
" Doug, just think about it, all right?"  
  
He waved her off, and she took the hint. I'm going to lie  
  
down, she decided and finish shaking off this cold. Everyone else  
  
can try handling this. My turn is over. 


	21. Chapter 21

" ER/Stand part 21 "  
  
" Listen, I don't mind driving, Kerry, " Luka said as the  
  
truck weaved around another stalled car. " I can see that you  
  
don't feel well."  
  
" I'm fine." Kerry growled. She flicked on the windshield  
  
wipers as rain drops started hitting the glass. It wasn't raining  
  
hard, but she believed in being cautious. She knew Luka was  
  
trying to be nice, but she just didn't want to hear it. She felt  
  
terrible. She wasn't ready to admit that she had come down with  
  
whatever Lucy had, but she definitely had a bad cold. She also  
  
hadn't slept for the last two days and it was starting to catch  
  
up with her. Despite her aversion to medication, she had already  
  
decided that she needed to sleep. She needed it enough that she  
  
was willing to take some sleep medication. She didn't want a  
  
repeat of what had happened before. She still didn't remember the  
  
four day time period she had lost, but she did remember what had  
  
led up to it. Sleep and the lack of it had caused it, along with  
  
not eating. She had forced herself to eat, and if she had to, she  
  
would force herself to sleep.  
  
It was as though she was being punished. I am being  
  
punished, she thought. And I deserve to be punished. She  
  
struggled to keep her hands on the wheel and not shudder. I made  
  
cookies with poison. I didn't even realize it until they were  
  
baking. She had been in the kitchen, preparing to bake and  
  
suddenly she was shaking D-Con Rat Kill into the mix. All the  
  
while, the only thing she had heard was the dark man from her  
  
dreams urging her on, promising her everything and anything. He'd  
  
promised to take it all away, all of the memories and for an  
  
instant she had been tempted. She had nearly eaten the cookies  
  
herself, but Lucy had wandered in, thwarting her plans. It had  
  
been a lapse, a severe lapse and she had already decided that  
  
there would not be a repeat performance. She wasn't going to  
  
allow a repeat performance. It was simply a matter of finding the  
  
right time and place.  
  
However, ramming the truck into a road cut was not the right  
  
way, not at all. Especially with Luka in the truck with her. It  
  
rather defeated the purpose of removing herself as a threat. She  
  
eased off the accelerator. " There's a big town coming up. Maybe  
  
we should stop for the day."  
  
" The roads are getting slick, and we made pretty good  
  
time." Luka said. " It felt good to actually get into Colorado  
  
today." He smiled at her.  
  
" Yes, it did." She had felt relief, that was true, but it  
  
was more over her decision than any real milestone. The mountains  
  
off in the distance looked cold and forbidding. They made her  
  
feel cold inside, knowing that just over the mountains was Flagg.  
  
Flagg and his followers. She hoped that the other dream, the good  
  
dream, was just as true. She had only had the good dream a few  
  
times. Enough that she wanted to believe it, and she did, for  
  
her companions, but not for herself. There was a group in  
  
Boulder, Colorado, she knew it in her heart. They were gathering  
  
around the old woman. The old woman, in her dreams, invited her  
  
into her home and made her feel welcome. Part of her wanted that,  
  
wanted to head off to Boulder and just start to live again. Part  
  
of her knew she wouldn't make it. That left the other option,  
  
going west, and that wasn't an option at all. She had been racked  
  
by indecision and that, coupled with the poison cookie incident,  
  
filled her with self loathing. It's better this way, she thought.  
  
I'm dangerous. I can't be trusted. They don't even realize how  
  
dangerous I am. She took a deep breath and let it out.  
  
I'm doing the right thing, she told herself. She had been  
  
repeating that to herself for most of the day. She was tired,  
  
that was the truth. Tired of holding herself in a rigid little  
  
cage, tired of never having a night's rest without being taunted  
  
and tormented in her dreams, and tired of not being in control.  
  
This is what schizophrenia feels like, she thought, and I can't  
  
live like this. Not knowing what was real and what wasn't, never  
  
quite sure if what she was hearing was a figment of her  
  
imagination.... Intellectually, she knew there was no person  
  
telling her to do things. Flagg didn't exist, not really. The  
  
voice wasn't real. The situation, or maybe just chance had caused  
  
a chemical imbalance in her brain. Her perception of reality  
  
could no longer be trusted. She could no longer be trusted. She  
  
was already a burden, a cripple that couldn't keep up without  
  
help. They had enough problems without adding incurable psychosis  
  
to the mix. The worst was knowing that they would take on the  
  
responsibility of caring for a psychotic without a backwards  
  
glance.  
  
It has to be soon, she told herself. Much longer, and one of  
  
them would guess that she was no longer rational. Once they  
  
knew, she'd never get a chance. As it was, there would only be  
  
one chance. If she didn't do it right, she would be stuck.  
  
They pulled near yet another motel. This one was much less  
  
rustic than the one in Iowa. It looked almost brand new. Luka  
  
gestured to it. " How does that look for the night?"  
  
Play it cool, she told herself. Luka was a surprisingly  
  
insightful man. He was, along with Randi, the most difficult to  
  
fool. Randi, she had no doubt, had already picked up on how she  
  
wasn't taking the Prozac. Luka wasn't quite as perceptive but she  
  
still had to be careful. " This is fine. Listen, we're out of  
  
cold medicine. There was a Walgreen's about a block back. I'd  
  
like to pick some up. Maybe get some Dr. Pepper. You want to come  
  
with me?" If she asked to go alone, that guaranteed someone would  
  
come with her, but she was counting on the weather, and Luka's  
  
rather good mood to get her way.  
  
He looked at her and then at the gathering around the  
  
motorbikes. Jeanie waved at them both and smiled. Good, Kerry  
  
thought, everything is working in my favor for once. Luka looked  
  
back at her, a slight smile on his face. " It's just down the  
  
street. I think I'll stay here and get things organized."  
  
" No problem. You want anything?" Keep it together,  
  
everything was going exactly as planned.  
  
He looked at her again, seeming to come to a decision. He  
  
reached into his jacket and pulled out the Colt .45 he'd been  
  
carrying. He set it down on the truck seat. " You shouldn't be by  
  
yourself, unarmed. I didn't see anybody but...."  
  
Her breath caught in her throat. " Are you sure?" That was  
  
completely unexpected. He doesn't know, she told herself, he  
  
doesn't understand that I'm dangerous. He's just worried that  
  
someone might attack me.  
  
" I don't want you to get into any trouble." Luka said  
  
easily. " Just be careful." They both spotted Jeanie waving  
  
again. Luka waved back at her and started to get out.  
  
She couldn't leave it at that. Not without giving him  
  
something, even if just some advice. " Luka... you know Jeanie  
  
doesn't have a lot of time right?"  
  
" I know," he said softly. " We both know that."  
  
" She had a bad marriage. I guess you must know that." She  
  
looked at him intently. " She deserves a good man like you.  
  
Just... don't hurt her. If this is just a fling, you need to tell  
  
her."  
  
" Kerry, " he said, " It's not a fling." His eyes sparkled  
  
with good humor. " If I've learned anything this summer, it's  
  
that life is precious, even if it is short. You can't spend every  
  
minute grieving or waiting to die. I know the time Jeanie has  
  
isn't very long. That makes it more precious, and I would never  
  
do anything to hurt her intentionally." He smiled at her. "  
  
Jeanie said you two were good friends. I'm glad she has friends  
  
who care, that worry about her. Listen, I'll have Carter have  
  
someone else fix dinner tonight. You look pretty tired. You need  
  
a break."  
  
" Maybe you're right." She watched nervously as he got out  
  
of the truck. She was so focused on Luka's leaving, that she  
  
didn't see Doug sidle up to her window. He knocked on her window,  
  
making her jump. She rolled the window down, feeling more than a  
  
touch of irritation. " What Doug?"  
  
" Are you going somewhere?" A look of concern flashed across  
  
his features. " Are you ok? You look... off."  
  
" I have a cold. I'm going to Walgreens. Do you want  
  
anything?" Just don't ask to come with me, she thought darkly.  
  
His face brightened. " Some Hershey Chocolate kisses?" He  
  
peered at her intently. Again he looked concerned. " Kerry, are  
  
you sure you're ok?"  
  
" I'm sure. I'm just a little congested. I'll bring you the  
  
chocolate." She started to sweat, she was that nervous. " Good  
  
bye Doug." She started up the truck and pulled out of the parking  
  
lot. She felt a strange wave of relief run through her body. It  
  
had worked. Knowing her companions, she had a few hours before  
  
they would get together and realize that she had been gone a  
  
while.  
  
She drove down the street. The Walgreens was actually four  
  
blocks away, an added bonus. By the time they found her, it would  
  
be over. That was how she wanted it. No attempts at  
  
resuscitation, and most certainly no chance to change her mind.  
  
They would be upset, she knew that, but she suspected that once  
  
the initial grief had passed, they would mostly be relieved. Sad,  
  
but relieved that the danger in their midst was gone. Good, she  
  
decided, they need to be able to move on.  
  
The Walgreens was dark. There were two motorcycles in front,  
  
one parked and one lying on its side. The glass doors were  
  
broken. She took a moment to read the scene. Looters, she  
  
decided. They broke in, probably sick, looking for medicine.  
  
There would be bodies in the store. It didn't matter. She had  
  
long grown used to the corpses that littered the land. It was  
  
something she wouldn't miss.  
  
She emptied her pockets onto the cash register and started  
  
counting out the pills. Almost thirty Prozac. I need some  
  
sleeping pills, she decided and something to chase it all down.  
  
She walked over to the liquor section. There wasn't a great  
  
selection. A lot of brands, but she liked her alcohol to be a  
  
grade above rotgut. Finally, she found a bottle of Glenfiddich  
  
hiding behind the lesser bottles. She took a glass from a  
  
display. Now, she thought, I have a glass, I have a drink. I need  
  
some sleeping pills. Those she found in a nearby aisle. Going  
  
back to the front register, she went through the candy aisle.  
  
Despite herself, she picked up a bag of Hershey Kisses. Then she  
  
grabbed a note book. She hadn't planned on leaving a note, but it  
  
occurred to her that it was just.. unkind. At least, she thought  
  
as she set the bottle down, if I tell them why, they can figure  
  
out that I was mental.  
  
She poured herself a glass and took a long drink. She stared  
  
at the lined paper, unable to get past a simple "I'm sorry." She  
  
took another drink, relishing the sudden warm feeling and sense  
  
of relaxation. She didn't drink often, so when she did, it hit  
  
her right away. She looked at the paper again and sighed. I have  
  
to do this, she told herself. The alcohol, coupled with the fact  
  
that Luka had given her the .45 that she had stuffed in her belt,  
  
was making her reconsider despite her resolve. She took another  
  
drink, letting herself calm down and listen to the sound of the  
  
rain. It hit the roof in heavy thuds, but suddenly she heard  
  
something else. Glass breaking.  
  
It's not windy, she thought worriedly. The sound came from  
  
the back of the store, not from outside. Outside, she suddenly  
  
heard the roar of several motorcycles. She ducked behind the  
  
counter, and watched as several big cycles sped down the street.  
  
Real bikes, Harleys, not the small Japanese models her companions  
  
were using, and the leather clad riders were clearly not her  
  
friends. Dammit, she thought, what in hell is going on?  
  
There was more breaking glass coming from the back. She  
  
pulled out the .45 and stood up. She headed for the back. Now she  
  
could hear muffled cries as someone was struck. Muffled cries and  
  
a pleading voice, followed by harsh laughter. She peeked into the  
  
manager's office.  
  
A large, hulking man dressed in biker colors was holding a  
  
piece of wood that had once been part of a chair. There was  
  
another man, a younger man, lying on the floor. The biker smacked  
  
him in the chest. " I said, " the biker snarled, " that we could  
  
do this the easy way or the hard way. Your little companions  
  
chose the hard way. I thought a pretty thing like you might  
  
have more sense, but I don't mind the hard way. Sometimes it's  
  
more fun that way." He whacked the young man again. Then he  
  
started unbuckling his belt.  
  
No, Kerry thought suddenly, that's not going to happen. Not  
  
while I'm standing here. She raised the gun and stepped into the  
  
room. " Freeze! Get away from him!"  
  
The biker spun around. At first, the only thing he saw was  
  
the gun, and that made him drop the piece of wood. Then he took  
  
in her slight stature and the crutch on her arm. " Well, ain't  
  
you the feisty one?" He smirked at her. " There's plenty here for  
  
both of us. Then, I know a few boys that that'd be happy to see a  
  
pretty little thing like you."  
  
" Get your hands up!" she shouted back. She leveled the gun  
  
at his chest. " I'm not afraid to shoot."  
  
" Oh you're gonna have to, " the biker warned with a laugh.  
  
He smiled, and then dove at her. She didn't hesitate. She fired  
  
three times. The power of the bullets forced him back. Then he  
  
dropped like a rock. She took only a moment to check on him, just  
  
to make sure he was dead. The three gaping holes in his chest  
  
that overlapped each other told her that even if she wanted to,  
  
there was no point in trying any medical procedure.  
  
She turned her attention to the younger man that the biker  
  
had been beating. He was curled up in a ball on the floor, still  
  
wearing a heavy knapsack. He was bleeding from a gunshot to his  
  
shoulder. There were boxes of gauze lying next to him. Suddenly,  
  
it all became clear to her. He'd been shot, and took off on his  
  
bike. That was the bike that was lying on the ground and it  
  
explained the broken window. He grabbed the bandages to stop the  
  
bleeding. Then the biker found him. She quickly broke open the  
  
gauze and held it over the bullet wound. Its not too bad, she  
  
noted, bleeding but up high enough that it probably hadn't gotten  
  
the man's lungs. He could be moved. That was good because she  
  
could hear more gunfire off in the distance. " Hey, " she said,  
  
trying to get the dark haired man's attention. He was conscious  
  
but definitely in shock. " Listen to me, can you do that?"  
  
" Yes..." he slurred. " You... is he dead? There were  
  
others..."  
  
" Yes, he's dead." Her voice caught a little at that. " We  
  
have to get you some medical attention. I... There was a doctor's  
  
office about two blocks from here." It was even farther away from  
  
the motel, but she suspected they had already met up with the  
  
biker band. " I need you to help me though. I can help you to  
  
your feet but I can't carry you. Can you get up?"  
  
" I think so." He struggled to his feet, pulling hard on  
  
her left arm. Upright, he still looked pretty bad. She could see  
  
a variety of cuts and bruises and he was favoring his right leg,  
  
but she knew he'd probably make it to the truck.  
  
" What's your name?" she asked as she awkwardly placed her  
  
arm around his waist. " And keep holding the gauze to that wound.  
  
Unless you're AB positive, you'll have to make do with your own  
  
blood."  
  
He pressed the bandage to the wound. " My name's Dave...  
  
Dave Malucci. " He gestured to the dead biker. " Thanks... I  
  
thought he was gonna kill me for sure. You're a really good  
  
shot."  
  
" Thanks. Let's get out of here before his friends show up.  
  
Go slow, you're putting me off balance." They made their way out  
  
of the store. Kerry tried to not think about what the others were  
  
doing. They'll be ok, she told herself, and I can't let this guy  
  
bleed to death. 


	22. chapter 22

" ER/Stand part 22 "  
  
Something was wrong. Doug didn't consider himself one of those people that "had feelings" but something had his nerves ringing. He didn't like the motel, or the small Coloradan town whose name he hadn't even caught. It wasn't the town though. It was like every other abandoned deserted town they had been through. Empty. Quiet. Sometimes he felt like he was on some grand, never ending ride through a giant haunted house. Only, it was impossible to get off or even get a refund. He didn't like it.  
He missed Carol. Even though he knew that the situation would have depressed her royally, it still would have been easier if she was there. Instead, he was left with Carter and Randi. He watched as they smirked at each other and playfully threw their sleeping gear around. That should be Carol and I, he thought sadly. Part of him wanted to cry. Part of him knew that if he did start, he'd fall apart completely. The last thing his companions needed was another basket case.  
That's not fair, he chided himself as he parked his motorcycle. If nothing else changes about me, he decided, then the one thing that does change is I'm going to give Kerry Weaver some credit. For a woman that was obviously highly disturbed by the summer's events, she had managed to shake it off pretty well.  
Even Lucy, a constant worrier, seemed to think that the worst had passed. The last three days had been almost blissful.  
He looked up, a cold chill running through him. She was filled with relief, that's what he had seen in her eyes. He'd seen that look, that attitude before. From Carol. When Carol ate the bottle of pills and almost died. Oh damn, he thought, how did we miss this? How did I miss this?  
You were off on a month long drunk, he told himself harshly.  
You've just been drinking and letting everyone else take care of everything and look what that's accomplished. Kerry had been gone for almost forty-five minutes. If she was set on it, she had already done it. Hopefully she wasn't set on it. He spotted Lucy trotting out of one of the motel rooms and he waved her over. "  
Lucy, " he called, " What's the plan?"  
" Nothing special, " she said brightly. " I was going to walk over to the convenience store. Wanna come with me?" She smiled at him.  
She was a good kid, he thought. Not really a kid, but it was hard to see her as anything but an overeager student. " No, I was going to check on Kerry. She's been gone a while." He got back on his motorcycle as he spoke. " Let everyone know where I went,  
ok?"  
" Ok. See you in a few." With that she walked off. He turned on the cycle and started down the street. He was fine at first,  
but then he spotted six bikes coming down the street towards him.  
Not just bikes, but big motorcycles. The riders were all men, and they were all heavily armed. They didn't look very friendly either. Doug suddenly regretted his choice to not wear a helmet.  
The bikers spotted him but didn't seem terribly interested and at first he thought he'd misjudged them. Then one raised his shotgun and fired. Doug spun the motorcycle but he knew he was only buying lesser injuries. The blast from the gun tore out the front wheel of the bike. He slammed into the payment, his vision filling with darkness.  
  
It was starting to get dark when he finally regained consciousness. He looked at his watch, noting clinically that his arm had a series of long scrapes running down it. It was almost seven o'clock. Dammit, he thought, this can't be good. Even if they'd thought he'd gone off to get drunk, Carter or Jeanie would have made a point of looking for him after a while. The bikers might have distracted them, he reasoned as he carefully stood up.  
Fortunately he wasn't hurt too badly though his motorcycle had been effectively destroyed. I can always get another. The only serious injury he had sustained seemed to be the giant bump and scrape on his head. Coupled with the bloody scrapes and bruises he had all over, he was going to be sore as hell but otherwise had gotten off very lucky.  
I wonder, he thought as he carefully stood up, why they didn't come back for me. Not his companions, no. It was safe, if unfortunate, to assume they had probably run into trouble of their own. It simply surprised him that the bikers hadn't bothered to finish the job. No matter, he decided with a rueful smirk, its not like I haven't been doing a fine job of killing myself slowly anyway.  
He looked up and down the street, debating on what to do.  
That everyone had run into a world of hurt, that he had no doubt.  
The question was what to do. I'm closer to the Walgreens, he decided. Even though the amount of time that had passed filled him with dread over what he would find, he still felt obligated to check on Kerry. He slowly walked down the street, noting with some surprise that the red truck that Kerry drove was not parked in front of the drugstore. Maybe that's good news, he thought, or maybe the bikers stole it from her after killing her.  
He tried to shake off his dark thoughts as he stepped through the broken glass around the door, but couldn't quite do it. After all, he thought sadly, I think she was about to commit suicide. She'd probably have been relieved to have someone else put her out of her misery. No, he thought as he spotted a trail of blood on the pavement leading from the door, that's not right.  
She'd be pissed as hell that someone dared try to kill her.  
Even if she was planning suicide, she wouldn't just let someone kill her.  
The store was very dark inside. He pulled his Maglite flashlight out of his pocket, and his gun. This is like a bad X-  
files episode, he thought as he shined the light around, the gun feeling awkward in his hand. " Kerry? You here?" There was no response, but he didn't expect one. The blood on the floor, just spots really, led to the front register and then down an aisle.  
He shined the flashlight onto the register counter. There was a bottle, a bottle of expensive scotch. A little higher class than what he usually drank, but well within Kerry's taste. A good third of the bottle was gone, and there was an almost empty glass sitting right next to it. A box of sleeping pills was also there,  
opened and the contents carefully extracted from the plastic wrap. Next to that was a small pile of pills. He picked one up,  
and almost smiled. It was Prozac and there were enough pills there to tell him that she hadn't taken any Prozac in a long time. Right next to the pills was a bag of Hershey Kisses, and a notebook. The lined paper was mostly blank. The words " I'm sorry " were scrawled in almost illegible handwriting across the top.  
Everything after that was illegible, which was ironic since it was usually Kerry who chided everyone for poor handwriting.  
" Dammit, Kerry, what the hell were you doing?" He said it out loud. The only upside, he realized, was that she obviously hadn't gone through with it. He let his imagination play with the scene. She gathered everything together, and poured herself a drink. A big drink. She was getting herself drunk to depress the gag reflex so she wouldn't throw up the pills. Then she decided to write a note. Probably hadn't planned that, Doug thought,  
because she was soused when she wrote it. Something, or someone interrupted her, but exactly what happened or where she went escaped him.  
He eyed the blood on the floor. Ok, he thought, if she was going to kill herself here, why is there blood trailing out the front door? Why is there blood at all and where is her stupid truck? She didn't plan on walking out of here. He followed the spots of blood to the back room. What he found surprised him in a way, and in a way he almost expected it. A dead man was lying on the floor, three gaping holes in his chest. Just where did you learn how to shoot, Doug wondered. So she had a gun, and this bastard surprised her and judging by previous testimony, she had a fairly restrained response. She didn't empty the clip this time, that was something. He doubted that the biker, that stank of sour, stale beer, had intended to pleasantly discuss the weather.  
So she got hurt, but not too badly. She left, no doubt to find the others, or perhaps wallow in her misery. Considering her state of mind the last time she'd been attacked, he figured it was a toss of the coin as to whether she was rational or not. Ok,  
he thought suddenly, Kerry was here to commit suicide. She got interrupted. She was hurt. Her truck was gone. While it wasn't outside the realm of reason that she might have walked away, he doubted that. So she probably took the truck. She must have gone back to the motel, he reasoned. And it'd been a few hours at least, so it was possible that he was wasting his time. I better head back, he decided. I'm not doing any good here and if Kerry had run off some place other than the motel, there was no way of finding her until she wanted to be found.  
He sighed. It was a failure, a bitter failure. There were so many things different about why Carol had tried to kill herself and why Kerry had set up some sort of elaborate suicide ritual,  
and yet he couldn't help but feel to blame. I should have seen it, he thought again. He shook off the thought. I have to get back, he decided. Check on the rest. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.  
He strode down the dark aisle, towards the front. He stopped at the register and grabbed the chocolate kisses and the bottle of scotch. He didn't want a drink, no, but he worried about sleep later that night. It had gotten to the point where he simply couldn't sleep with out help. He knew it was weak, he knew it wasn't going to help an already chaotic situation, but he needed it.  
The streets were deathly quiet as he jogged back to the motel. There were no flashlights shining about, and while one motorcycle was still parked near the manager office, the rest were gone. He felt a cold chill. That wasn't right, not at all.  
As he got closer, he could see bullet holes in the walls. But the cycles are gone, he told himself over and over, so they must've gotten away. Still, even hours later, he could smell the stink of gunpowder floating around the area.  
There was some blood near the manager office but not a lot.  
He looked around, hoping for some sort of clue. He spotted a piece of paper taped to the door of the office. He pulled it off the door with shaking hands and read it.  
" Kerry, Doug, " he read out loud, " We were attacked by some men in some sort of motorcycle gang. No one is badly hurt,  
but they grabbed Lucy and took off. We heard one of them shout that they were heading to the next town over. We're going to try to circle around and head them off. Try to catch up. We know you have a map so if you don't find us, head for the hunting lodge.  
P.S. Please don't kill each other." He put the taped paper back onto the door and tried to think.  
They have Lucy. Those bastards grabbed her. Everyone went chasing after the biker gang, and they think Kerry is with me.  
That's just great. He took a long drink out of the scotch bottle.  
I don't have a map, I don't know where Kerry is, and some sick bastards have grabbed Lucy to do god knows what.  
That's just fucking dandy, he thought again. He took another drink, and then with grim determination finished the entire bottle. Then, he slammed the bottle into the nearest wall. I need another drink, he thought. I can't do this by myself. Not with the dreams being so bad. 


	23. Chapter 23

" ER/Stand part 23 "  
  
Carter held the pistol in his hands as though it was some strange object from another planet. He felt cold inside and out and it wasn't just the fact that the night was chilly and they didn't want to risk a fire. He had fired the gun at someone, and he was pretty sure he'd hit the man. Oh, he didn't feel guilty,  
not really, but in a strange way, he did. The notion that a man was out there, even a bad man that deserved what he got, bleeding from a wound that he had inflicted made him feel awful. There was no easy way around that.  
He had been with the others when they heard the first gunshot. It had sounded like a shot gun, a scatter gun as his grandfather had called them. Then, as they looked up in surprise,  
a band of motorcyclists had swooped down upon them. All four of them dove for cover as the bikers began shooting. Luka had been grazed by one of the bullets but really, they all had been very lucky to not be killed in the opening volley. They had all fired back, and Carter was sure that he had struck one of them. Randi was also positive she had scored a "kill" as she called it, but while two of the bikers had immediately disengaged, they hadn't gone down. Then, they had spotted Lucy hiding behind an abandoned car across the street. They had swooped down and grabbed her before he had even been able to call out a warning. In a matter of seconds they had turned their bikes around and were whooping off down the road. With Lucy, and leaving behind devastated survivors.  
He had wanted to go chasing after them right then, but Jeanie had managed to calm all of them down. We need to wait, she had said, for Kerry and Doug to get back. After an hour though,  
even Jeanie had lost her optimism. They had heard one of the bikers shout the name of the next town over so they decided to take the back roads and try to head them off. It was foolish, and it was likely to get them all killed, but they all felt like they had to do something.  
So now they were camped out in the middle of no where with nothing but their sleeping bags and what was loaded on their cycles. The group was sadly depleted and no one had really been in the mood to talk. He worried about Kerry and Doug. He had left them a note, and they both had maps, but it felt like far too little.  
" Carter." He looked up at the sound of Luka's voice. The tall, dark favored man had been very, very quiet all evening. He wondered about Kovac, he really did. Luka wasn't that much older than he was, maybe eight years, and yet sometimes he had the feeling that Luka had seen a hell of a lot more in life than he ever would. Luka stepped over and sat down beside him. " Carter,  
what are you doing?"  
" Just thinking," he said. " Just worried. About Lucy. And Kerry. And Doug."  
" Lucy will be all right." Luka said easily. Carter noticed immediately what was missing from that statement.  
" But not Kerry and Doug?" he asked.  
Luka looked down. Suddenly Carter could see the worry, the stress, and the sheer dejection on the other man's face. " Do you really want my honest opinion, Carter?"  
Not when you put it that way, Carter thought. He nodded for the other man to continue despite himself.  
" Doug is dead." Luka stated it baldly. " That shot we heard, they were firing at him. Lucy said he was going to look for Kerry but he was only gone maybe five minutes. They shot him and he never came back... and we didn't look for him. If he was just hurt, he would have made it back."  
Carter had to admit, his theory made sense. Doug hadn't been drinking at that point. He certainly would have made his way back. He had the notion that Doug didn't like being alone. He knew he didn't care for it much either. " What about Kerry?"  
Luka shrugged. " I don't know. I think she was all right mentally. I think she's been all right for a while. I don't think being by herself is going to make her snap. But..." Luka shook his head. " She has my gun. I gave it to her. We've run into too many .... bad people. She wanted to get some cold medicine and I didn't want to go with her so I gave her my gun." He smiled just a little. " Considering she's a better shot than any of us, she's probably in better shape. I just worry... She has a disability. I don't know how she could get along. You know the roads aren't good. She's not going to be able to travel all that well, if she is still alive and I don't know how likely that is."  
It was as close to the truth as Carter really wanted to get.  
Just like how he didn't want to even try and think about how Lucy must be doing. The obvious came to mind, but he forced that away.  
It wasn't going to help. " What are we going to do?"  
He willing to defer to Luka. It had been Luka that had organized them, made sure everyone reloaded their guns and gotten them out of there. It had been Luka who had organized their rough camp of tarps they had salvaged out of an abandoned car. It was Luka that had first suggested the plan to circle around and try to catch the bikers, and Carter was more than willing to listen to the man.  
Luka gestured to the rain that was still pouring down. They were reasonably dry, since they had made lean-to fashioned shelter but it still promised to be a miserable night. " The rain, " Luka said softly, " is going to slow them up. More than it will us. They probably aren't in any mood to move fast. We can get to the next town and set up an ambush."  
" How?"  
" Hopefully a town that size will have a National Guard armory." Luka pointed to it on the map. " We need better weapons.  
Automatic rifles. There's six of them and four of us so we need more fire power. If there's some land mines, we can use those to herd them into our fire."  
" Do you know how to set land mines?" Carter asked after a moment. It certainly wasn't something he had picked up in medical school.  
" Carter, I was in a war." He said it simply, as if it was the obvious answer. Carter supposed it probably was. Luka's features seemed to grow dark as if he was slowly being overwhelmed by memories. " I was drafted into the army for a while. I'm not.... I'm not proud of what happened there, but I do know a few military skills. Its worth it if we can save Lucy."  
" Was it bad? The war I mean." He knew he was stepping into dangerous territory with the older man, but he was curious and he suspected that Luka needed to talk.  
Luka seemed to hesitate. " It was a war, Carter. This, " he gestured expansively around the forest, a gesture that Carter knew encompassed not just the dark woods but the summer and the plague and everything that went with it, " this was fate. A disease doesn't understand who it kills. Its cold but in a way,  
its more fair. It invades your body and you are either immune or not. A war is different. It's people choosing who lives and who dies. And... sometimes you're the one doing the choosing. "  
" You had to kill someone." It seemed like a given but he wanted Luka to confirm it.  
Luka smiled sadly. " You know the one way war is like a flu virus? Sometimes you get so angry, so mad, at all of the destruction and death around you, you start acting like a disease. Not caring or understanding who you kill. You're just so angry, you want to hurt people. Its an ugly feeling. And yes Carter, I killed someone during the war. Several people actually.  
I went crazy, I suppose, after my wife and children were executed. I didn't care whether I lived or died. I just wanted to hurt people. Make them feel as awful as I did. Then, one day, I looked up, and it was almost a year since my family was killed and I was in some army camp holding a gun." He shook his head. "  
It was awful. This is a picnic by comparison."  
He didn't know what to say to that. It made his guilt seem paltry by comparison. " I'm sorry, " he said finally. " I just felt...."  
" You felt terrible because you're a doctor and you shot at someone." Luka said. " I can't say don't feel bad, because you will no matter what until you come to terms with it. Just don't beat yourself up too much. Those men... They aren't feeling bad about shooting at us and they would do it again. "  
Carter could see the wisdom in that. He had no doubts that had they not fired, he and Luka would be dead and Randi and Jeanie would have been taken along with Lucy. It was a plus, he realized, that the bikers didn't want to fight when it was a fair fight. Luka's plan, he realized, was designed so that the bikers would run. They could run away, and leave Lucy to her rescuers.  
If Lucy was still alive. If nothing else, John Carter prided himself on having some common sense. The bikers hadn't seemed the type of men who cared all that much about keeping a woman captive alive and well. If they didn't rescue her soon, she wasn't going to make it. This, he thought suddenly, is actually worse than all of the dreams I've been having. This is real. And somehow I don't think it'll turn out well. " Luka, what if they don't head to the next town? Just because we heard them say it... it doesn't mean that's what they'll do."  
Luka shrugged. " Then we have to make a decision. If they aren't there... We don't have the man power to hunt them down and I don't think they'd keep Lucy alive for very long. If we don't find her in two or three days... We aren't going to find her alive. We should head back and find Doug and Kerry in that case.  
" He paused." It's not my decision to make."  
" No..." Carter said softly. " Hopefully it won't come to that." And hopefully, he thought as he looked up into the night sky, we'll get everyone back safe and sound. He sighed. Somehow he didn't think it would be easy. Not easy at all. 


	24. Chapter 24

" ER/Stand part 24 "  
  
The dim room with medical posters warning him to bring his baby in for inoculations was not what he expected to wake up to.  
Deep down, Dave Malucci hadn't expected to wake up at all. What do I remember, he asked himself as he slowly sat upright on the hospital bed. Those assholes found us and grabbed Jennifer and Lisa. They shot Craig and Jerry and that one came after me because he thought I was cute.  
Dave shuddered despite himself. Homosexuality didn't offend him. He'd had gay friends before the superflu plague and he suspected that Jerry, the first male survivor he had run into had been a little less than straight, but he wasn't open minded enough to let some man rape him. The bikers were heading west, to the dark man's sick little empire. He had been tied up while they all took turns with the women. By the time he had worked his way out of the ropes, Jennifer was dead and Lisa was getting worked over. He didn't regret leaving them. They had all talked about what they would have to do if such a situation arose and there had been no way he could have saved either of them. As it was,  
he'd been shot as he sped off. He touched his shoulder gently. It was neatly and professionally done. Another thing to ponder.  
That woman, he thought suddenly, the one with the gun. She had killed the biker and helped him out of the store. A nurse, he decided, and wasn't that lucky? While he was a freshly minted doctor, he could hardly do his own stitches. He took a moment to check himself out. The wound on his shoulder was the worst,  
though his ankle was tightly wrapped and as he stood and let weight settle on it, he suspected that he might have sprained it taking the spill at the store. Everything had been cleaned and taken care of, and she had even left a fresh t-shirt from his rucksack lying neatly folded by the doctor's examination bed. He put it on. Perhaps, he thought with a smile, I should go thank this woman. Sadly he wasn't even sure he recalled what she looked like. A red head, he decided, and shorter than me. The one nice thing about this plague, he thought as he stepped into the hallway, is that finding people with nothing but a vague idea of what they look is a lot easier. If there's more than one red headed woman in this city, I'll shoot myself.  
He limped into the hallway and realized that he was in a very small doctor's office. In five steps he was at the receptionist's desk, looking into the waiting room. One exam room just screams old time general practitioner, he decided. And since all the diplomas belonged to a Jack Forester, he doubted that it was the red headed woman's place of work.  
He spotted her lying on the waiting room couch. His gear was spread out on the floor and it was obvious that she had gone through it. As he watched, she stirred slightly but didn't awaken. Definitely a red head, and older than he was, though it was hard to judge how much older when someone was asleep. He pegged her at between thirty five and forty, older than him, and older than the women that had been in his group. They had been younger, sixteen and twenty and neither had liked him all that much. Young kids really, and he had a few too many scruples to want jail bait. He had liked the people that he had been traveling with, but it was hard to fit in with two young girls, a young man who's only job had been working at McDonald's and a middle aged farmer who could barely read. They all had been mightily impressed that he was a doctor, but aside from that, he had been something of a fifth wheel. Lisa the sixteen year old had already hooked up with Jerry, and Jennifer had grown quite attached to Craig the farmer.  
He sighed heavily. He would miss them. They all had been good people even if they hadn't had a lot in common with him.  
None of them deserved what had happened. Of course, he didn't think most of the human race had deserved to die that summer, but fate was fate. He watched as his unknown companion slept and wondered just where she had been going. Just because she had saved his life, that didn't mean she wasn't heading west. He had run across a number of people who seemed really nice but were heading to the wrong place.  
It wasn't an easy thing to consider, that there was a line being drawn between good and evil. His dreams had been both terrible and wonderful, but he hadn't placed any significance to it until he had met Jerry and Lisa and they realized together that they had been having the same dreams. The details differed of course but it was basically the same. They had decided to head to Nebraska, to where Mother Abigail the old woman in their dreams was. Recently, as the dreams dictated, they had veered over towards Colorado and Boulder. Somehow, almost despite himself, he was genuinely shocked that he was on the side of decency and good. Sometimes, he thought that the plague had made him see that he was a good person. So maybe he had to go to Grenada to get his medical degree and maybe he did like to party more than study, but he was a good person. He was heading towards Boulder, where the decent people were going and there had never been any doubt in his mind that he was going there.  
Hopefully, he thought with a smile, this woman is cool like me.  
She certainly had felt free to paw his meager possessions,  
he thought. His ruck sack had been essentially dumped onto the floor. His clothes had been separated into clean and dirty and the clean clothes were neatly folded. She had gone through his gear and she had found his medical degree. Not that he'd been hiding it, but it was important to him so he put it in his clear plastic map case. Probably she was interested in knowing where we were going, he thought. The route to Boulder was clearly marked,  
so she knew where he was heading at least. The room had the look of a neat mess. I might as well pick up, he decided. He packed his gear, leaving out his food supplies and the small camp stove he had. Breakfast would be nice and he suspected his sleeping companion hadn't been taking good care of herself, if the dark circles under her eyes were any way to judge. He also suspected that she was sick. There was a bottle of cough syrup on the floor right by the couch she was lying on. She was wearing slacks, a t-  
shirt, and a leather jacket and yet she still had wrapped his quilted poncho liner around herself. It was raining yes, but it was still summer. If she was that cold, he thought clinically,  
there had to be something wrong.  
She began to stir again so he sat himself down in one of the nearby chairs. He suspected, if she had been alone for sometime that hanging over her while she woke up was liable to earn him a slap. He had been that way for a while himself. He watched as she slowly sat up, seeming not to notice him as she coughed into her hand. Then their eyes met. Her eyes widened and he watched nervously as she put her hand into her jacket pocket. A woman,  
alone, who knew there was a band of killers running around probably had a gun in her jacket pocket. It would suck to get shot at this point, he thought, so I better act friendly. " Hi.  
I'm Dave. My friends call me Dr. Dave. Thanks for... you know,  
stitching me up and all. Do you want some coffee?"  
" Dr. Dave..." She put a hand to her head. " Christ...."  
" I have some freeze dried breakfast stuff too." He held up the backpacking stove. He noted with some pleasure that her hand was no longer in her pocket.  
" You shouldn't use that here, inside," she said after a moment. " Those things give off carbon monoxide." She said it with some snap, as if she was used to people doing what she said.  
He decided that she had a point though, and he set the stove down.  
" We can take it outside," he said amiably. " By the way, I haven't had a chance to rifle through all of your worldly possessions, so I don't know your name yet. Do I just call you that red headed woman, or will you tell me your name?" He smiled.  
She blushed. " I'm sorry. I was just worried that you were... one of them. The bikers." She held out her hand. " I'm Dr. Kerry Weaver." She didn't smile, but he did see that she didn't seem quite so stressed out.  
" A doctor?" A surprise, but a pleasant one. He was a doctor too, but he wasn't fool enough to think that his degree that had been given in May was worth as much as a few years experience.  
Even a few years experience in one of the specialties he considered women specialties like gynecology was better than nothing. " I'm a doctor too. I was supposed to start my internship in July. At Mercy. I was up in Glacier National Park on an Outward Bound mountaineering trip. When everybody got sick,  
I just thought it was some weird bug. I ended up hiking out on my own. That's where all the Outward Bound gear comes from in case you were wondering. What about you?" He hoped it wasn't too horrible. There just was no nice way to discuss life before.  
" I was the acting chief of emergency medicine at Cook County General." She looked him over clinically. " Are you sure you're ok? You were shot."  
" I'm fine. Well, ok, I'll be all right." He got the impression she wasn't terribly impressed with him. That or else she was distracted by something. Maybe she's been alone for too long. He had run into that a few times, and it was safe to assume she'd had some bad experiences. She was from Chicago, so she had to have been traveling. " Listen, why don't we go make some coffee and we can figure out what to do?"  
She coughed. " No. I was traveling with some people. I need to check on them. They were probably attacked. I should have checked last night but I didn't want to leave you alone."  
" We can go do that," he said easily. More people was definitely a plus. " I'm ok. I mean, yeah, I'm hurt but I think I can stand walking a little. Listen, can I call you Kerry or do you want me to call you Dr. Weaver? " She didn't really seem the first name sort. He was starting to think she just wasn't much of a conversationalist. " What sort of doctor are you any way?  
OB/GYN? Pediatrician?"  
She glared balefully at him. " Why is it that every male doctor on the face of the earth assumes a woman doctor is either a gynecologist or a pediatrician? Is it some sort of Y chromosome problem? If I was acting chief of emergency medicine, wouldn't it stand to reason I was an emergent medicine doctor?" She coughed again.  
From calm to pissed in five seconds, he mused, one of those.  
" Are you sure you don't want a cup of coffee? "  
" I don't want any damn coffee," she snapped. After a moment, her expression softened. " I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a little irritable, what with killing some man yesterday. You can call me Kerry if you want. I am not calling you Dr. Dave. " She looked down at the floor. " Where did my crutch go? I left it here on the floor."  
" You mean this?" He walked over to the reception desk,  
where he had left the forearm crutch he'd found on the floor. He had assumed that it was just the equivalent of medical flotsam,  
like the prescription pads littered all over the desk. He handed it to her. She stood up and took the crutch. With it, she walked over to the office door. She walked quite well too, but he could see where she would have problems without it. Some sort of long term thing, he could tell that much. " I didn't know it was yours."  
" It's all right." She glanced at her watch, a fancy Rolex.  
" It's eight in the morning. Why don't we load your stuff into my truck and find my friends? They'll have coffee, and it's possible they might have something for breakfast."  
" If not, I have plenty of freeze dried sausage." He picked up his pack with his good arm. He certainly didn't have anywhere else to go and his own traveling companions were dead.  
  
The motel was pretty well shot up. Dave could see that as they drove up. His new traveling companion had been surprisingly quiet, but he could tell she was worried. More worried as they looked at the bullet holes in the walls. " Looks like they took off," he said finally. At least there weren't any fresh bodies.  
He didn't think that would go over well with Kerry. He could see that she was a little high strung. Probably is still having bad dreams, he thought, and that can make anyone a little flaky.  
She took his statement with a distracted wave of her hand.  
Clearly she didn't think they would take off, though with her stunning personality, he wondered. He found her rather amusing in that way that crotchety people were, but he was also long used to that sort of thing. All of the women in his family had behaved as though they were constantly PMSing. It felt strangely familiar to have some woman ordering him around. Plus, she was pretty competent. His own group had barely been able to fend for themselves. Kerry on the other hand, seemed to be handling an attack by psychotic biker rapists extremely well. She stepped up to the manager office door. " They left a note." She handed it to him, her face a mask of hidden emotion.  
He read it, understanding at once why she was upset. " So who is Lucy and was this Doug guy supposed to be with you?"  
She shrugged as she toed a broken bottle of scotch that was littered on the sidewalk. She looked at him, her expression guarded. " Lucy is about your age and Doug must have come looking for me." She pointed at the bottle remains. " I was.... I was drinking that in the drugstore. Doug must've picked up the bottle."  
There was more to it than that, Dave knew it just by looking at her, but he figured it could wait. " So what are you thinking we should do, Chief?" She seemed like the type that liked titles and he needed something to call her. He sensed that deep down she wasn't cool with a near stranger using her given name.  
" What am I thinking?" She laughed. " I'm thinking that a band of sociopaths drove in and grabbed someone to torture, and the only thing that saved me from that wonderful fate was that I was off trying to kill myself. Aren't I the lucky one?" She turned to face him. " What do you think we should do, Dr. Dave?"  
" Well, you're pretty good with a gun. I'm not bad either.  
Why don't we chase these bastards down and kill them?" He said it breezily, though he admitted to himself that he did indeed want to get them back. People like that didn't deserve to go west. He had a feeling that even Flagg didn't want scum like that. What worried him was that Kerry seemed to take him seriously.  
" Ok, now we have a plan." She coughed. " Let's find a gun store."  
" Where?"  
" This is America. If we have to, we'll just go to the public school."  
" What about this Doug guy?"  
That seemed to set her back a moment. " He must have headed to the next town. Or maybe he's drunk. He's got a map regardless.  
We'll just follow the trail of beer cans." 


	25. Chapter 25

" ER/Stand part 25 "  
  
She watched as the young man put more wood on the fire and  
  
stirred their dinner of Campbell's Soup. As nice as it was to have  
  
someone besides herself cook the evening meal, the truth was that  
  
she didn't feel hungry at all. It was funny, in a sick way that  
  
she suspected only she would appreciate. Everyone dies of some  
  
super enhanced flu, but the regular flu was still happily  
  
infecting everyone left. Kerry coughed again.  
  
She eyed the several boxes of cold medicine and cough syrup  
  
that Dave had picked up for her when they had raided a small  
  
convenience store for dinner. They had decided, after some  
  
extensive gun shopping, to get out of the town for the night.  
  
They were making camp in an actual campground, under a wooden  
  
pavilion that was intended for picnicking. Dave had moved the  
  
tables so instead of a cold miserable wet night in a tent, they  
  
would have a cold miserable dry night. Dry was better than wet,  
  
but it didn't change the basic fact that she was sick and  
  
freezing from fever chills. She had a feeling she wouldn't even  
  
be able to taste the soup that Dave was raving about. Her entire  
  
mouth felt numb from the menthol cough drops.  
  
" Hey, you know, there's a bunch of extra sleeping bags, if  
  
you're cold." Dave got up as he spoke and brought her another  
  
sleeping bag. He set it down next to her. Then, he ladled some  
  
soup into mugs. He handed one of the mugs to her and sat down  
  
beside her. His expression became serious, a look she realized  
  
already that didn't come to him easily. A cheerful, happy go  
  
lucky sort, that was Dave Malucci. In an odd, pleasant way, he  
  
reminded her of Doug Ross, with his good humor and devil may care  
  
attitude. Much like Doug, if something put a serious look on his  
  
face, it had to be important, or at least important in his own  
  
mind. She didn't know if she felt well enough to deal with it.  
  
She sipped the soup. Much as she suspected, she couldn't  
  
really taste it. She sipped it any way. Not eating, she reminded  
  
herself, was part of what happened before. She had hardly eaten  
  
that day and she knew better. She didn't want to get any sicker.  
  
Not with some band of killers running around.  
  
Dave eyed her as he sipped his own soup. Finally he started  
  
to speak. " Listen, I know we've just met and all... But you said  
  
something so I have to ask. Were you really trying to kill  
  
yourself? You seem pretty together so when you said that, I was  
  
surprised. Are you depressed?"  
  
He was blunt. She wasn't sure whether she liked that or  
  
not. It was certainly disarming. It didn't help that she was  
  
running a fever and ached to talk about her dreams. Not just  
  
dreams, she reminded herself, psychotic delusions. Don't forget  
  
that you think your dreams are real. That's not the mark of a sane  
  
person. Why not, she decided tiredly. At least it gives him a  
  
chance to make a decision based on all the facts. He might not  
  
want to tie himself down with a crazed, limping woman. " I'm not  
  
depressed, not really. I just... Ever since this summer  
  
started... " She took a deep breath. It was hard to say,  
  
especially since it hadn't been until the night before that she  
  
really started to remember what had happened. " I killed a man.  
  
He was sick, and he was threatening my friends but..."  
  
" He raped you didn't he?" Dave asked casually. " I mean,  
  
you jump every time I brush up against you and I'm not even  
  
trying to, you know, come on to you. My mom was raped once. She  
  
wouldn't let my dad touch her for a month. You just... remind me  
  
of that." He looked away, seeming to be embarrassed. " I'm sorry.  
  
I didn't mean to interrupt..."  
  
" Its all right. And you're right." She paused. " I was  
  
raped. " She pulled the sleeping bag around herself. For the  
  
first time it wasn't a struggle to recall. Since the day before,  
  
the memories of early summer had slowly come back. It wasn't  
  
pleasant but she had a feeling that if she didn't talk about it  
  
now, she wouldn't at all and things would just get worse. " I was  
  
just... checking on some patients. He came up behind me... I'd  
  
set my crutch down and he must have found it. I felt a blinding  
  
pain on the right side of my head... When I came around, he was  
  
on top of me... I didn't fight him, I couldn't. He was holding me  
  
down and he was so much bigger than me. " She stopped for moment.  
  
" He just kept hitting me... even after he was done. I couldn't  
  
move, I was in that much pain. " She stopped for a moment. It was  
  
difficult to think about, even with the memories coming back. " I  
  
must have lost consciousness a few times because what I remember  
  
is disjointed. I remember getting up and dragging myself over to  
  
one of the dead men. I remember finding the gun. The next thing I  
  
remember is asking Randi to help find my crutch. I heard  
  
something in the hallway. He was there, with a gun and he fired  
  
at Lucy. I just.... I was so angry. I just fired at him. Then I  
  
was relieved I'd hit him, I fired some more."  
  
" So you got him what? Three, four times?" Dave asked.  
  
" More like fifteen. I actually reloaded the gun so I could  
  
shoot him some more." She pulled the sleeping bag closer. She was  
  
feeling very cold and somehow she knew it wasn't just the  
  
slightly chilly night air.  
  
Dave looked at her. She wasn't sure whether he was shocked  
  
or amused. Finally he shook his head. " You mean, you have been  
  
beating yourself up all summer over killing some piece of shit  
  
that raped you and left you to die? Was he sick with the flu?"  
  
" Yes..."  
  
" So he was doomed anyway and you actually showed him some  
  
mercy by killing him before he went into the final stages." He  
  
moved closer to her. It was obvious he was trying to be  
  
comforting without jumping into her space. " Look, I can  
  
understand being a little freaked out. Ok, I actually don't  
  
understand the whole rape thing, but I know that's not easy for  
  
a woman. So you killed this guy. You said he was dangerous and he  
  
shot somebody else after he attacked you. Is it just that you  
  
overdid it? Or that you were so angry? Because you pretty much  
  
did the same thing yesterday and I don't regret it one bit."  
  
" I wasn't angry yesterday," she said softly. " I just... He  
  
was going to kill you. I could tell. I couldn't let that happen."  
  
" And this other guy... He was shooting up your friends  
  
right?" Dave pressed on. " Were they upset that you killed him?  
  
Or were they grateful that they weren't killed?"  
  
" They were grateful..." Her voice trailed off. They had  
  
been grateful and none of them had so much as chastised her over  
  
it. " They thought I had gone crazy. After a while... I'm not  
  
sure they're wrong."  
  
Dave considered that for a moment. " You don't seem crazy.  
  
Granted, its not I even did a psych rotation, but just shooting  
  
someone doesn't make you insane. I think you're being way too  
  
hard on yourself. Have you done anything since then that's crazy?  
  
Talking to people that aren't there? You don't just think you're  
  
a doctor, right? Like, tomorrow you will still be a doctor, and  
  
not a lawyer or some sort of electrical engineer?"  
  
" I'm a doctor. I went to John Hopkins Medical School. " It  
  
was easy to see that he was trying to make her feel better, but  
  
it wasn't helping. Not really. She hadn't been totally honest. "  
  
I've been having dreams that sometimes I think are real. There's  
  
a man... His name is Flagg and he keeps... taunting me I suppose.  
  
He says he wants me to join him and promises everything..."  
  
" But he wants everything in return." Dave spoke grimly. "  
  
Do you ever have the dream where he's in Las Vegas presiding over  
  
the crucifixion of a bunch of drug dealers? That one is  
  
terrible."  
  
" What?" She wasn't sure if she had heard him correctly.  
  
He'd just described one of her worst dreams.  
  
He eyed her carefully. " Everyone in your group... they  
  
haven't been sleeping all that great have they?"  
  
" No... not really." It was something she hadn't really  
  
considered. She certainly hadn't been sleeping well and if she  
  
did get up in the middle of the night, there was almost always  
  
someone else up that hadn't been able to sleep. She hadn't placed  
  
any importance to it, but now she started to wonder.  
  
" I thought I was going crazy until I met up with some  
  
people." Dave said easily. " Then Jerry told me that he was  
  
having really odd dreams and we compared notes. Do you have the  
  
dream about the old woman? In Nebraska? "  
  
" With the farmhouse that's almost right in the middle of a  
  
giant corn field?" As the younger man nodded along with her, she  
  
couldn't help but suddenly feel a weird realization that things  
  
weren't quite what she thought. It was a strange feeling, and  
  
though she was irritated to say the least that she had spent the  
  
summer making herself miserable, she also couldn't help but feel  
  
incredibly relieved. There was no good explanation as to why they  
  
were having the same dream, and she knew that later, she would  
  
probably drive herself to distraction trying to make sense of why  
  
it was happening, but for the moment, she let herself feel  
  
relieved.  
  
" There's a tire swing in the front yard," Dave said by way  
  
of agreement. " But she's not there, now." He paused, She  
  
suspected it was a test of some sort.  
  
" She's in Boulder. Boulder, Colorado." She said that  
  
strongly because deep down she knew it was true. After a moment,  
  
she saw him nod. She doubted he even realized he was doing it. "  
  
What is happening? This is..."  
  
" Pretty screwy, yeah." 


	26. Chapter 26

" ER/Stand part 26 "  
  
He stumbled along the road. It was dark and still raining  
  
and deep down he knew it was dangerous and stupid to be traveling  
  
at night but he didn't care. Not in the slightest. If he was  
  
killed by one of the rare wolves that were already roaming  
  
outside of Yellowstone National Park, then so be it. He didn't  
  
deserve any better. He had no real idea where he was, except that  
  
he was heading west. West was where he belonged. He had decided  
  
that during his day long drunk fest. He didn't deserve to be with  
  
good people. That much seemed very obvious to him. Carol had been  
  
a good person, and he had lost her. Mark had been a good person,  
  
with the same end result. His traveling companions, all decent  
  
people at heart, had taken off. Lucy was probably dead, and he  
  
had done nothing to save her. Kerry was also probably dead, and  
  
at best he had ignored all of the signs that she was very  
  
depressed. At worst, he had egged it on with cruel remarks.  
  
So he was heading west. Not that he wanted to, but he just  
  
didn't know what else to do. He had to go somewhere, and he  
  
didn't want to hurt any more good people. His touch of death  
  
would probably go over well in the west. He didn't think he would  
  
be all that welcome in Las Vegas but he was going anyway. If they  
  
killed him, that was fine. He didn't really care. Whatever. He  
  
wouldn't last long there, his dreams told him that. Charming,  
  
hard core alcoholics, even hard core alcoholics with medical  
  
degrees, were not going to be tolerated. So, if he tripped in the  
  
road and gave himself a skull fracture, he wasn't overly worried.  
  
In truth, he'd welcome it.  
  
It was dark, with the rain clouds covering the moon. It had  
  
finally stopped raining and the evening was getting very chilly.  
  
It was hard to believe that it was only mid August, but then he  
  
was in the Rocky Mountains. It would be snowing by September and  
  
the roads that were already terrible would be impassable. He also  
  
didn't care much about that. If I'm lucky, Doug thought, I'll  
  
just die of hypothermia. There were worst ways to go.  
  
Like killing yourself in a Walgreens, or being gang raped to  
  
death by bikers. He shook that thought off as quickly as it  
  
popped into his head. It was over and done with. He had failed  
  
them both, just like he had failed Carol. Just like he failed  
  
everyone in his life.  
  
He noticed the glow first. Without the vast electrical  
  
humming of street lights and house lights, the nights were very  
  
dark. Seeing any sort of light, especially a steady glow and not  
  
the gentle flickering of a fire meant people. It was either the  
  
bikers or the remains of his group. He wasn't sure he wanted to  
  
see either. On the other hand, his rational mind chimed in, it  
  
might be a good idea just to know who it is. The bikers were not  
  
the friendly sort and while he wasn't feeling very focused on  
  
preserving his life, he had absolutely no wish to be tortured to  
  
death. At least not consciously, he though with a sad smile, and  
  
I'd rather do the job myself.  
  
More to the point, it was almost three in the morning. He  
  
wondered why anyone would be up at that hour. It smacked of a  
  
problem. The question was, did he want to be involved or did he  
  
want to avoid it? Avoid it, he decided, but check it out just the  
  
same. If it was the bikers, he could lie low for a while with a  
  
bottle and let them pass.  
  
The glow was coming from a campground. He felt like an ass  
  
lurking around in the bushes but it was most definitely safer. He  
  
edged closer. The glow was coming from several Coleman lanterns,  
  
one on the ground, one perched on a picnic table and one sitting  
  
on the tailgate of a truck. A very familiar looking red truck.  
  
And the dark haired young man leaning over a pile of sleeping  
  
bags was most certainly not Kerry Weaver. His eyes narrowed. He  
  
recognized it as her truck, and there hadn't been a body in the  
  
Walgreens. She could be alive, or more likely the young man might  
  
have captured or killed her. He felt the gun he carried at his  
  
waist. If it was one of the bikers, he had to take a look. He  
  
owed Kerry that, even if she was dead.  
  
He tried to be careful, but the young man was oblivious to  
  
his approach. He took the gun out of his waistband, but he  
  
carried it loosely. The situation didn't seem to be what he  
  
thought. The young man looked almost frantic as he knelt down  
  
beside the sleeping bags. Doug realized suddenly that there was  
  
either another person there or else the young man was talking to  
  
himself.  
  
" Come on chief..." the young man muttered. Doug watched as  
  
the man shook the other person. " Just open your eyes or  
  
something..."  
  
" Hey." Doug spoke softly, but loud enough that the young  
  
man looked up. He made sure that the gun was visible, but tried  
  
to seem non-threatening. He didn't feel threatened by the young  
  
man who looked feverish and pale, but he wasn't going to take any  
  
chances. The young man saw the gun and registered it, but seemed  
  
to disregard it in an instant.  
  
" My friend here is sick. If you want to take something, go  
  
ahead. If you want to help... I could use the help. I'm Dave  
  
Malucci." He pointed at the gun. " If you're going to kill me, go  
  
ahead."  
  
Doug pointed at the truck. He didn't get closer. He wasn't  
  
that sure that he was hearing the truth. " Where did you get that  
  
truck? I was traveling with someone. There was some trouble... We  
  
got separated. That looks an awful lot like her truck. So where  
  
did you get it?"  
  
Dave blinked. " Are you Doug? Doug Ross? " He gestured to  
  
the stacks of sleeping bags. A dawning suspicion struck Doug. If  
  
Dave knew his name, and had Kerry's only means of transportation,  
  
it was just possible that Kerry was the sick friend. She had been  
  
sick after all. He took a step closer, and felt an immense sense  
  
of relief as he spotted her red hair. How on earth did she hook  
  
up with this gimp, he wondered as he knelt by her side. Dave eyed  
  
him suspiciously and leaned in protectively. " You didn't answer  
  
my question, buddy."  
  
Christ, he's like a puppy dog that's imprinted on a  
  
surrogate mommy, Doug thought with amusement. " Yes, I am Doug  
  
Ross. I have known Kerry for years, so you can back off, Dave."  
  
He ignored the other man for a moment and examined Kerry. She was  
  
shivering despite the three sleeping bags that Dave had piled on  
  
her. She also was semiconscious at best. He shook her but that  
  
did nothing. " She's burning up. How long has she been like this?  
  
Has she had any medication?"  
  
Dave rooted around and came up with some aspirin and a  
  
bottle of Robitussin. " She was ok when we went to sleep. I mean,  
  
she was sick..." He coughed into his hand.  
  
" She's sick and you're sick. " Doug said as he started  
  
pulling the sleeping bags off Kerry. " You need to take some  
  
aspirin. We had the flu jumping around in our group. It looks  
  
like we finally managed to infect her." He saw the man's eyes  
  
widen in surprise at the word flu, but he didn't let himself  
  
worry about that. " There were some IV's and bags of saline in  
  
the truck. And some antibiotics."  
  
Dave shook his head. " Checked that already." He gestured to  
  
Kerry. " She said something about it, so I looked. Someone  
  
must've dropped something on your equipment. Everything that's  
  
not broken was ruined by the saline bags that popped. I could go  
  
back into town and get more stuff. If you'll stay here..."  
  
There was a trace of doubt in Dave's voice as though he  
  
suspected that Doug couldn't be trusted. Of course, Doug  
  
realized, Kerry filled his head with tales of my  
  
irresponsibility. It was fair at least. " Do you have any idea  
  
what to look for once you get there?" Dave seemed like a nice  
  
enough guy but he didn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the  
  
bunch.  
  
" I am a doctor. " Dave's tone became defensive. " I might  
  
be sick but I think I can find a damn thermometer and IV bag. "  
  
Dave glared at him. " I can smell the booze on you. The last  
  
thing you need to be doing is driving."  
  
How old is this guy, Doug mused, twelve? Thirteen? He felt  
  
irritated. Irritated and angry, even though he knew the younger  
  
man had a pretty good point about his state of intoxication. "  
  
Ok, smart guy, what do you bring back?"  
  
" Some IV's. A couple different types of antibiotics, unless  
  
you're sure she's not allergic to the common stuff. Maybe some  
  
ice packs and rubbing alcohol, for the fever." Dave looked at him  
  
expectantly, almost daring him to disagree. Doug almost did, just  
  
to mess with the head of what was obviously only remaining member  
  
of the year's crop of medical school graduates. Still, it was  
  
mean and cruel to argue with the guy when Kerry was sick as hell  
  
and Dave wasn't much better.  
  
" Ok. You head in. Get back as fast as you can. I will stay  
  
here and take care of things." He took off his small knapsack and  
  
started pulling out the bottles that were the only thing he was  
  
carrying. Dave watched him suspiciously.  
  
" Don't you think you've had enough to drink already?" Dave  
  
asked after a moment.  
  
Doug almost smacked him. " It's alcohol. It evaporates  
  
faster than water. I'm going to use it to try and bring her  
  
temperature down while you're off driving to town. Why didn't you  
  
go into town sooner... as soon as you knew she was this sick?"  
  
" In case you missed it, there's a bunch of sociopaths  
  
running around here. Do you think it would be a good idea to  
  
leave her here by herself when she's not conscious?" Dave glared  
  
a little more, but his anger seemed to deflate after a moment. "  
  
Look, I better get going."  
  
" You do that." Doug said. He watched as the young man  
  
trotted over to the truck. It wasn't a half bad thought that Dave  
  
had, really. Doug doubted that leaving Kerry alone was a great  
  
idea. He also didn't see the bikers passing by the opportunity of  
  
a woman, even a sick woman. No doubt that was Dave's rational,  
  
helped along by the fact that Dave was probably running a fever  
  
himself. The truck roared into life and in seconds it was gone.  
  
He'll be back in an hour, Doug thought, maybe more. There hadn't  
  
been a hospital in the small town so he would have to raid doctor  
  
offices. So now what?  
  
So now I need to try to help Kerry out. He sighed. The last  
  
thing he wanted to do was play nurse for anyone, least of all  
  
Kerry. On the other hand, even with his new found plan to head  
  
west and basically do evil, he couldn't leave a sick person lying  
  
there. He picked up one of the bottles of whiskey and opened it  
  
and then started to pour it over her. " I hope you know what a  
  
waste of perfectly good whiskey this is, Kerry."  
  
That didn't provoke a response, but he didn't expect much  
  
from someone that was shaking from fever and mumbling  
  
incoherently. He pulled his stethoscope out and listened to her  
  
breathing. She was as congested as he expected, but he didn't  
  
hear the characteristic crackling pop of pneumonia. " Kerry, you  
  
need to sit up, to help your breathing." She didn't respond,  
  
except to curl over onto her side. I don't know why I'm bothering  
  
to speak, he thought darkly, the odds of her even remembering  
  
this night are right up there with my chances of getting lucky.  
  
He pulled her up into a seated position and supported her by  
  
sitting behind her, letting her head rest on his chest. He didn't  
  
know what else to do. She was too warm to wrap up in a sleeping  
  
bag so he cracked open his other bottle of whiskey and got it  
  
ready. Unless her fever broke on its own, which he rather doubted  
  
would happen just judging by sick he was, then he would have to  
  
use the remaining bottle as a cooling agent. Considering how  
  
drunk he was, he didn't need a drink for a while yet. There was  
  
certainly enough alcohol lying around that he didn't worry about  
  
feeding his addiction.  
  
He sat that way with her in his arms for a while. He didn't  
  
know how long. He had lost his watch weeks ago and never replaced  
  
it. Still, at least Kerry's shaking had stopped, which he took as  
  
a good sign since she was still breathing. " Kerry, you in  
  
there?" he asked as he gently pulled her more upright.  
  
" Doug?" She turned her head to look up at him. " How... how  
  
did you get here?" She didn't sound quite right but he gave her  
  
plus points for sounding coherent.  
  
" I was just wandering by," he said easily. " How do you  
  
feel?"  
  
" Hmmm.." she grumbled. " I'm incredibly sick. Its the  
  
middle of the night. I'm running a fever. I reek of cheap whiskey  
  
for some reason. I find myself lying in your arms. I've had  
  
nightmares like this, Doug."  
  
" Remarks like that are precisely why we don't get along,  
  
Kerry. Are you feeling better? You've been muttering incoherently  
  
for the last hour. I must say, you're more interesting that way."  
  
He couldn't help it. It was just too comfortable to play sniping  
  
games with Kerry, even when the situation didn't warrant it.  
  
" We don't get along because we're both too stubborn to  
  
admit that we do get along." She shifted in his arms. " You know  
  
I'm right."  
  
" If you're right then you know how much I despise being  
  
told you're right." He heard her chuckle and took that as a good  
  
sign. " Your new little boy toy went into town to get some  
  
antibiotics. He seemed like a half wit."  
  
" Well, he went to the University of Grenada Medical School.  
  
He's a nice kid. One of those bikers was going to rape him so  
  
he's a little stressed out." It was the sort of thing that only  
  
she could say with an utterly straight face. She was quiet for a  
  
long moment. " Doug, have you been having bad dreams? About a  
  
dark man? With no face? "  
  
He tensed as she spoke. It was eerie, and worse, it hit far  
  
too close to home. " Why are you asking me that?"  
  
" Have you? "  
  
He nodded, even though he knew she couldn't see it. " He's  
  
in Vegas. " He didn't get into his plan to head west. He didn't  
  
see Kerry as the sort to embrace the dark man's philosophy.  
  
She was quiet for a long moment. He thought she'd gone back  
  
to sleep when she suddenly spoke. " Carol wouldn't want you to go  
  
west. You know that, don't you? She loved you. I could see it  
  
every time she looked at you. She wouldn't want anything to  
  
happen to you."  
  
He sighed. " Carol's dead, Kerry." He wasn't angry. He  
  
doubted she even knew what she was saying. That she was right  
  
merely irritated him.  
  
" Carol is dead, Doug, but you're not." She shifted  
  
position in his arms. He felt her start to shiver again and held  
  
her tightly. Her fever must be spiking, he thought worriedly.  
  
Again, he thought she had fallen asleep when she spoke once  
  
again. " Doug, don't go west... I don't think you're his type,  
  
and we'd miss you. I'd miss you."  
  
" Well, that's a vote of confidence," he said with a gentle  
  
chuckle. " Kerry?" He nudged her a little but she didn't respond  
  
except to shiver uncontrollably. He did it again but she was  
  
definitely asleep or as near possible as one could when sick.  
  
This is really a great way to finish off the evening, he thought  
  
tiredly. He wondered about what she said. How could she be having  
  
the same dream that I've been having, he wondered. He had thought  
  
for some weeks that his dreams were real and that there really  
  
was an evil empire, but he'd also thought he was going crazy. It  
  
struck for the first time that he wasn't the only one having a  
  
hard time sleeping at night. He also wasn't the only one not  
  
coping very well. He took a deep breath and let it out. At least  
  
until he was convinced that Kerry would be all right, his plans  
  
were off. 


	27. Chapter 27

" ER/Stand part 27 "  
  
Dave added more wood to the fire and watched as Doug checked  
  
on Kerry one again. He had gotten the impression, from Kerry the  
  
day before, that Doug was something of an irresponsible boob. He  
  
was struck by how concerned the man seemed. It wasn't what he  
  
expected at all, for a number of reasons. He had thought that the  
  
two of them had despised each other, but what he was seeing was a  
  
comfortable couple. Not really a couple, Dave decided after a  
  
moment, but Doug was definitely pretty concerned for someone that  
  
was constantly professing his dislike. Likewise, he could see the  
  
relief on Kerry's face, and he wasn't convinced that it was just  
  
knowing that Doug was alive. Friends at least, Dave decided as he  
  
shook the bottle of Sunny Delight he'd picked up for breakfast,  
  
probably not more. Kerry had explained a little the day before,  
  
that Doug had lost someone and had fallen off the wagon in a big  
  
way. That implied that Kerry hadn't been dating the guy.  
  
He didn't particularly care for Doug's alcoholism, but it  
  
wasn't the worst thing he'd seen since the plague had struck. He  
  
had run across a few junkies that were wallowing in free heroin  
  
supplies. Drinking too much was hardly the worst thing out there.  
  
He simply didn't like it. There was always a reason for drinking  
  
and the plague had made it far too easy to drink to excess. He  
  
doubted that Doug would be such a drunk if he didn't have instant  
  
access to liquor. Of course, he accepted that he was a little  
  
sensitive to it. His father had been a drunk. There was always  
  
a reason to get drunk.  
  
He poured himself a glass of the juice and handed it over to  
  
Doug. " It has vitamin C, " he said by way of explanation. " And  
  
it never spoils." Sunny Delight was mostly chemical by-products  
  
but it had a vaguely orange like taste and lately he had been  
  
craving oranges. Plus, he was sick. Fortunately not as sick as  
  
Kerry, who had spent most of the night burning with a fever that  
  
hadn't broken until they had given her some antibiotics, but he  
  
wasn't feeling one hundred percent by any means.  
  
Doug took the bottle, frowned at it and then set it down. "  
  
I can't drink that crap. It tastes like warm Tang."  
  
" Tang is what the astronauts drink." Dave said cheerfully.  
  
" Or drank I guess."  
  
" No more astronauts." Doug said easily. He pointed to Kerry  
  
who was still asleep under a pile of sleeping bags. " Do yourself  
  
a favor. Don't get her started on the Mir Space Station. Its not  
  
pretty."  
  
" We've already had that discussion." Dave had found it  
  
amusing at the time, but the notion of astronauts overhead  
  
starving to death was what had awakened him in the middle of the  
  
night. He decided to broach a subject that had been troubling  
  
him. He pointed to Kerry. " You know, I'm not real cool with  
  
forcing people to take psychiatric drugs. "  
  
Doug blinked in surprise. " Did she actually tell you that?  
  
We never forced her to take anything. She stopped taking the  
  
Prozac all by herself and I certainly was none the wiser. What  
  
exactly are you trying to say? That she's been perfectly fine for  
  
the last month or so? Did she mention how she tried to kill  
  
herself two days ago?"  
  
" Yes she did mention it, and she didn't say she was  
  
forced." Dave felt a rush of embarrassment. He was assuming an  
  
awful lot, he realized. Maybe they had done the best they could  
  
under the circumstances. He certainly had assumed that they had  
  
forced the drugs on her. " Look, I was just worried."  
  
Doug shook his head. " When you've put the time in, the way  
  
I have, you'll know that nobody forces Kerry to do a damn thing.  
  
Trust me on that."  
  
" Are you talking about me?" They both turned and looked as  
  
Kerry crawled out from under the sleeping bags, looking worse for  
  
wear. " And were the hell did you two put my glasses?"  
  
" They are right on the picnic table, where you left them."  
  
Dave had dealt with her kind before. The best thing to do was  
  
keep her appeased until she had some coffee, or at least some  
  
Sunny D. " You want some juice?" He gestured to the bottle.  
  
" I would like some juice. That swill in no way even passes  
  
for juice." She glared at both of them. " Are either of you going  
  
to at least bring my crutch? Or do I need to crawl on the ground  
  
and debase myself for your amusement? And why do I smell like a  
  
scotch bottle?"  
  
Doug chuckled. " I'm all for debasement. Don't you remember  
  
last night at all? You didn't even let me find a condom."  
  
She rolled her eyes. " I remember enough to know what a lie  
  
that is. Dave, bring me my crutch."  
  
He got up. When his first trick, plying the irritable with  
  
breakfast beverages didn't work, he went to plan b. Plan b was  
  
doing whatever she asked. It was way too early to start fighting,  
  
though both Doug and Kerry seemed ready for battle. He was  
  
starting to see why the rest of their group had been concerned  
  
enough to leave a note warning them to be nice. He gave her an  
  
arm up and handed her the crutch. " Does anyone want coffee?"  
  
" I do," both Kerry and Doug chimed. He quickly got to work  
  
at it, sensing it would ease some of the tension.  
  
Doug watched him, not saying anything, but smirking. " I see  
  
you're well trained already." He chuckled again and sat down at  
  
the nearby picnic table. In moments both Dave and Kerry joined  
  
him. Dave set the hot pot of fresh brewed coffee down and poured  
  
himself a cup.  
  
" So what are we doing?" Dave asked after a moment. The plan  
  
yesterday had been to track down the bikers, but he had concerns.  
  
He didn't feel well. Kerry didn't look well, and Doug looked very  
  
hung over.  
  
" What exactly did you two have planned?" Doug sipped his  
  
coffee as he spoke. " I noticed the new rifles. I assume you two  
  
weren't planning on rabbit hunting."  
  
" We were going to track down the bikers and kill them."  
  
Kerry said easily. " Hopefully they haven't killed Lucy." Dave  
  
winced at how bluntly she put it. He didn't hold out much hope  
  
that their friend Lucy was alive but if anything that made the  
  
plan to track down the killers more than a little bit risky.  
  
" What if she's dead?" Doug asked.  
  
Kerry sipped her own coffee and shrugged. " Then I suppose  
  
we would need to reconsider the risks. I don't think she'd want  
  
us to get ourselves killed if she was already dead."  
  
" And how exactly do you two plan to accomplish this?" Doug  
  
asked. Dave noted that the older man wasn't including himself in  
  
the plan. Then again, it wasn't really that great of a plan.  
  
" Doug, " Kerry said softly, " I happen to be a very good  
  
shot. Dave isn't that bad either. We can pick them off from a  
  
distance."  
  
Doug leaned in, chuckling once again. " I have to ask, since  
  
this is one of those topics we've avoided all summer. Just where  
  
did you learn to shoot so well?"  
  
She shrugged nonchalantly. " Its a long story. Let's just  
  
say I was stuck in a Rhodesian mercenary camp for almost a year  
  
and all the men thought it was cute to teach the female doctor  
  
all of their tricks."  
  
" Look, I think the point is that we could pick them off.  
  
I've done a little shooting. We could do it, but I think it's  
  
smart to consider what we do if Lucy's dead." As angry as it made  
  
Dave to know that the bikers had killed his own group, he wasn't  
  
terribly interested in exacting revenge if there was no one to  
  
rescue. It wasn't worth the risk.  
  
Doug seemed to consider that. Finally, he said, " Kerry, I  
  
assume you have the map?" He waited until she nodded. " If Lucy  
  
is dead, then we should meet up with the others."  
  
" I was going to Boulder." Dave said. He looked at Doug,  
  
feeling suddenly uneasy. He was fairly convinced that Kerry had  
  
no intention of heading west, but Doug seemed a lot less  
  
convincing on that score. There was a defeated air about the man.  
  
Something about Doug rubbed him the wrong way. It wasn't some  
  
sort of evil feeling, but more a sense that the older man was  
  
simply looking for a way to die. It worried him.  
  
" I think we should go to Boulder." Kerry said. She pulled  
  
out her map. " But everyone in the rest of our group is heading  
  
here." She pointed to the spot marked on the map and then looked  
  
up with surprise. " Its really not that far away."  
  
" No, its not," Doug said easily. " Hadn't you noticed this?  
  
Everyone's been pretty excited." Judging by his tone, Dave didn't  
  
think Doug had been all that excited.  
  
" Doug," Kerry said patiently," until last night, I was  
  
fairly convinced that I had lost touch with reality. I tried to  
  
kill myself because I was depressed to the point that I couldn't  
  
think about anything except killing myself. I'm sorry I didn't  
  
pick up on how happy everyone else was."  
  
" It's always about you, isn't it?" Doug snapped back. "  
  
Look, obviously we want to meet up with everyone else and  
  
Carter's family hunting lodge is the only place we all agreed  
  
on."  
  
" Carter's family hunting lodge?" Dave asked.  
  
" Carter's family owned most of the United States." Doug  
  
said. " I suspect this lodge is really some sort of palatial  
  
mansion."  
  
" A rustic palatial mansion loaded with expensive  
  
knickknacks and quaint pine furniture." Kerry added. " With real  
  
Navaho Indian rugs and animal head trophies." Both Kerry and Doug  
  
started to chuckle. Dave waited patiently. Making fun of Carter's  
  
money was evidently an acceptable joke though he didn't quite see  
  
the humor. He was simply glad they weren't getting mad at each  
  
other.  
  
" Look, I really don't mind detouring a bit." Dave decided  
  
to get the topic back on track. " We know the bikers were heading  
  
here. I say we catch up with them and take them out, one by one."  
  
" Unless Lucy is dead, and then we just bypass them." Kerry  
  
added.  
  
Doug shook his head. " Kerry, do you honestly think you can  
  
pick off six people in ten seconds without killing Lucy, and  
  
without one of them killing Lucy?"  
  
She looked at him intently. " If you have a better idea,  
  
Doug, now's the time."  
  
" I do have an idea." 


	28. Chapter 28

Author's note – wow I feel bad about not posting more of this.

Lucy watched worriedly as the leader of the biker gang stepped over to the tree she was tied to. His name was Matt and as near as she had been able to tell, he had been an elementary school teacher before the plague that rode motorcycles as a hobby. In the old world, the world she missed with all of her heart, he would have been laughed at by real bikers as a wanna- be. He wore a leather jacket with patches that listed the various rallies he had attended.

He had been the first to rape her. She had expected that, of course, though expecting it and experiencing it were two very different things. She involuntarily shuddered as he came closer. After almost two days with the group, she didn't think she could take much more. Five of the six had been at her repeatedly. The sixth was dying and had been dying since he'd been shot two days before. Two more of the men were injured, but not so badly that they would leave her alone. If it hadn't been for that hope on her part, and the plain fact that no matter what she did, the sixth man was going to die, she would have volunteered her medical services. She hadn't though, and her mean spirited side was glad. Glad one was going to die, and deep down she wished the rest would too. It wasn't very charitable but then she didn't think God would mind in their case.

None of them would have passed as real bikers in the old world. Besides Matt the ex-school teacher, there was Gerald who had managed a McDonalds and constantly protested the loss of television, and Marty, Kevin and Chris who had all done factory work in a variety of Northeastern cities. They all had the look of ex-couch potatoes, and aside from the occasional speech on how they were heading west, they spoke like couch potatoes. It was the going west issue she was getting more and more frightened of. Matt had briefly explained how he and the others were heading to Flagg's seat of power. More than the rape or the way they all liked to smack her as they walked by, she was deathly frightened by their plan. The fact that they had been having the same dreams, and believed that Flagg was real scared the hell out of her. Perhaps the really scary thing was that she believed them.

Matt leered at her. She drew back, but was careful to not look too repulsed. He got angry when she resisted and she was already covered with bruises. If I'm going to escape, she thought grimly, I have to stay well. I have to stay sharp. It was only a matter of time until they rescued her. She had faith in that. Somehow, despite the fact that she was in one hell of a situation, she was holding on to that hope.

He gently touched her face. " We're gonna stay here another night. If you're good, you can have dinner tonight." He leered at her again. Being good meant being willing to give oral sex. She tried to not flinch. Inside she was more than flinching, she was shaking with internal rage and disgust. Again though, it wasn't smart to snarl in disgust at the leader's touch.

" Fine," she said coldly. She watched warily as he walked back to their fire. They ran a much more disorganized camp. None of them had gotten up until most of the morning was gone. Not that she was really all that upset, it was just a difference. It was the middle of the afternoon and none of them had really roused from their drinking party the night before. Not that she was complaining. The less active they were the better.

" Hey! I heard there was a party!" All of the physically well bikers looked up. So did Lucy. The voice, followed by the cheerful grinning body of Doug Ross was perhaps the last person she expected to see. Then again, he was about the only person she knew that was crazy enough to just waltz into the encampment with nothing but a handful of bottles. His eyes met hers and while his smiling expression didn't change, she caught the warning in his eyes. Don't give me away, that's what he was saying. He held out one of the bottles to Matt. " You guys don't mind one more, do you? I was heading to Vegas, saw you guys... " 

Matt took the bottle but eyed Doug warily. " You're going west?" He seemed to doubt it, but Doug smiled again.

" Going west, and I brought my share of the party." Doug set down the rest of the bottles onto the ground. He made an open gesture, obviously encouraging them to drink. While Matt was still eying him, the other four were already picking up the fresh booze. The alcohol supply had been getting low, something she already had learned to fear and the men were clearly pleased that they didn't have to travel for their next fix. Matt looked Doug over and finally seemed to stand down. He picked up one of the remaining bottles and tapped Doug on the chest. Lucy knew it was a challenge. Doug grinned and held his hands up. " Are we cool?"

" You look familiar." Matt said finally. Doug shrugged and took a drink. 

" Maybe you met my dad." Doug said after a moment. " He sometimes rode a bike." Lucy realized after a moment that Doug was being very careful to not look in her direction. It made her nervous and she felt her fear increase. Doug seemed drunk, which wasn't unusual but she knew it made him less than thoughtful. He had been under a lot of stress and she had been less than responsive to him. Was it possible that he was there to simply head west? It scared her. It confused her too. If she said anything, especially if she said she knew Doug, that he was from her group, she had no doubt that Matt could and would kill him. The bikers weren't looking for new recruits. On the other hand, as screwed up as Doug was, it was just possible that he was staging some sort of rescue. She wasn't going to take any chance of screwing that up so she kept her head down and waited.

After about an hour or so of revelry, she could tell the party was dying down. Three of the men, men whose names she still wasn't sure of, were sitting near the remains of the evening fire of the night before. Matt was drinking, as was Doug and she felt her worry crank up several notches as Doug stood up and pointed at her. " I see you guys have some roadside entertainment." Again he gave her a look that begged her not to say a word, and she felt a rush of hope.

Matt shrugged at his words. " We picked her up a few days ago. A bunch of them got away. Too bad really, there was a couple more women. We go through them pretty quick."

" I bet." Doug chuckled a little. " Listen, its been a while... You guys mind if I take a turn?"

Again, she felt more than a little fear. Deep down, she knew Doug wouldn't lay a hand on her if she didn't want him to. She knew that. Even if Doug was a drunk, he was still essentially a decent man. A womanizer that feared commitment, that was Doug. The only people he ever even raised his hand to were abusive parents. The idea that a pediatrician of all things would be asking permission from the bikers leader to have sex with her was simply impossible. Yet there he was, grinning and holding a bottle.

Matt, if along with being a bastard and a rapist, was evidently nothing if not a generous host. He waved dismissively at her. " You want it, go ahead. Careful though. She might bite. I think I beat that out of her, but watch yourself."

" Can I have a tent?" Doug smiled a little. The other men laughed and even Matt chuckled. He pointed to the small tent that was the only one that looked like it might stand.

" If you're that dick shy then take my tent." Matt said with a laugh. Doug merely grinned even more. He walked over to the tree and cut the rope, taking care to grab her by the scruff of her shirt.

" Just do what I tell you," he whispered softly as he leaned in. Then he dragged her forward and tossed her into the tent. It hurt. It hurt a lot, especially when he literally jumped on top of her and put his hand over her mouth. She started to struggle, more out of reflex. He shook her. " Lucy dammit, I'm not going to hurt you. We both have to stay down and this was the only way we could think of to get you out of the firing zone. Now starting screaming like I'm hurting you." He took his hand off of her mouth.

" What?" she asked.

" I'm supposed to be raping you." Doug whispered. " You're not going to make me look bad in front of all of the other guys are you?" Before she had a chance to respond, shots began to ring out.

" Have you ever done something like before?" Dave asked as he loaded his rifle.

" No. Hunting human beings hasn't been one of my hobbies." Kerry carefully sighted the rifle on the small encampment. It was a stupid question, she thought. " I'm a doctor, not a soldier."

Dave snorted. " That's pretty funny, chief."

" What?" she asked quizzically. She hadn't meant to be funny and she eyed the younger man suspiciously. She didn't like to be made fun of, and Dave hardly knew her. Still, it hadn't seemed like he meant to insult her.

" Never mind," he said, a smile on his face. " I'll explain the joke later. " He tapped the rifle he was holding. " How long are we going to wait?" 

She sighed. " Until Doug gets her away, we wait. I don't want to take any chances. I'm not that good of a shot. You need to keep your voice down. We're only 300 feet away." She looked through the rifle scope again. Doug was still chatting with one of the bikers. She had serious misgivings about the plan and felt as though they were all starting to come true. There was something inside Doug that was broken and he wasn't trying to fix it. She suspected he was suicidal and had almost refused to go along with his idea. If it hadn't been for the fact that the bikers had definitely seen Dave, and the fortunate fact that the younger man was fairly good with a rifle, she would have suggested that he be the one to try waltzing into the camp. Part of her was glad she hadn't had the option. She had a funny sort of affection for him. " Remember, when you fire... Breathe, relax, aim then shoot."

" Breathe, relax, aim, shoot." Dave repeated. He grinned again. " That spells bras, chief. I feel a little sexually harassed."

" Stop being an ass, and keep watch," she warned. She waited until he looked away to let her expression twitch into a smile.

" I see that, chief," he said softly, his grin still in place. He continued scanning the encampment.

" Keep your eyes on the camp, or you'll really know what it's like to be sexually harassed." Before he could come back with a retort, she held up her hand. " Quiet. Doug's taking Lucy to a tent. This is our chance."

They both got ready. They had been lying on the ground, carefully concealed, using a fallen log for maximum support. Kerry placed the sights of her rifle squarely on the leader's chest. She looked up, to make sure Doug was heading where he'd planned and then resumed her position. Her finger caressed the trigger. " One... two..."

Shots rang out, and Dave and Kerry looked at each other in surprise. It wasn't them shooting.


	29. Chapter 29

There was something utterly wrong about this picture, Randi thought as she watched Carter and Luka fooling around with two rifles. She flinched and ducked as they both turned and pointed the rifles at her. " Jesus Christ! Will you idiots be careful? Its bad enough we can't find these assholes. I don't really want to get shot by one of you retards."

Luka made a shushing motion. " I think we're close." Jeannie and Carter both glared at her. She mentally threw up her hands and followed along as the group trooped through the forest. They were attempting to track some smoke they had seen earlier in the day. It was a bit like playing dysfunctional family outing. Or idiot boy scouts, she thought darkly, idiot scouts with automatic rifles. She held her M-16 close. They had picked up the rifles the day before from a National Guard armory. Luka had stated that an idiot could fire one. At least everyone in on the rescue mission fit that bill.

She was simply tired of being stressed out. God knows she was worried about everyone. She just couldn't maintain the high level of worry. Not when she couldn't help but think that Lucy was probably dead. Lucy was a good sort. She wouldn't want them trooping around the Colorado forest bent on bloody revenge. Randi suspected she was in the minority in her view that if Lucy was dead, they should just move forward. Find Doug and Kerry and get going. Hunting down Lucy's killers seemed like an exercise in stupidity, guaranteed to get someone killed.

The irony, she supposed, was that deep down, she suspected not one person in her group really wanted to shoot. Carter and Luka were egging each other on, but neither seemed into it. Jeanie was depressed and grimly resigned to the task. Randi simply felt overwhelmed. It wasn't that she was against rescuing Lucy, she was all for that, but she was enough of a realist to know it was pretty futile. Men that stole women at gunpoint weren't generally known for their kindness. Lucy was probably dead. If not dead, then badly damaged. She had known that sort of men though she had always been lucky to walk away unharmed.

Then there was the troubling issue of Doug and Kerry. Doug was a drunk, and Randi accepted that. Kerry was depressed. She was also a little weird, but Randi had always thought that about her. On the one hand, she gave both of them credit for being a lot more resourceful than what they all gave them credit for. The two of them, together, would have no problems getting to Carter's place. If they were separated, that was a little more troubling. She could see where both could have problems, Doug more so than Kerry. She could see Doug drinking himself into a stupor and then cracking his skull.

She watched with amusement as Luka signalled for them to spread out. It was silly. It seemed rather obvious that the smoke was coming from the clearing that was noted on their geographical map. She dutifully started moving farther away. She was nervous about it, that was the truth. They had been very lucky in that most of the people they had run across hadn't been hostile. She didn't think they were ready mentally to attack other people. Particularly Carter who was trying very hard to be manly. If the situation wasn't so potentially dangerous, she would have found it cute to see him strutting around with a rifle. Instead, it made her nervous. Somehow, she thought as she stealthily walked through the pine needles and brush, I can't help but think that we're going to end up shooting each other.

An odd noise, the sound of water being poured out onto the ground reached her ears. She stopped and slowly looked around. Sure enough, standing near a tree was one of the bikers. A slovenly looking fellow, he was zipping up his dirty jeans. How attractive, she thought darkly. She put that out of her head as she realized that the man was only ten feet away from her. He turned as he picked up his rifle and his eyes widened as he spotted her.

No time to call in the idiot squad, she decided as she crossed the distance between them. She punched him, kneed him, and then foot swept him into the ground. Kata gatame saves me again, she thought with a smile. He reached clumsily for the gun that was tucked in his belt, but she kicked his hand. Then she pulled out her own pistol. She didn't want to do it, that was the truth, but she didn't want John Carter to do it for her. John was a good man, a sweet man, and she didn't think he fully understood the fact that they had to kill the bikers. She didn't want him to be forced to that. His guilt over simply wounding one of the bikers was haunting him. She aimed the pistol at the biker's head and fired.

Then she looked up. Through the pines, she could see the straggly, badly set up tents of the biker camp. She could also see that they were all jumping up and grabbing their guns. She didn't see Lucy, but she did see, out of the corner of her eye, Carter rushing towards her. " Get down, dammit!" she snarled as she tackled him square in the chest.

" Randi! What are you doing?" Carter's voice was muffled by her chest.

" I'm saving your sorry ass," Randi muttered. Overhead, she could feel the air displacement as bullets whizzed above them. The bikers were shouting and firing. She turned her head, enough to see Luka ducking behind a tree and opening fire with his M-16. He was using the "pray and spray" method, firing at waist level on automatic. She could just see Jeannie diving for cover. If they were lucky, she thought suddenly, the opening volley might kill them all. Unfortunately, as she turned her gaze back to the bikers, she could see that it wasn't the case. Two of them had gone down, but two more were firing from fairly covered positions behind logs. She raised her pistol again and fired, hoping at least to startle one of the remaining men. From where she was through, there was no way she could hit either of them. She was just wasting bullets. Of course, it wasn't like Luka and Jeanie were hitting anything either. She could see Luka trying to reload.

" Randi get off me." Carter said.

" Keep down." As she slid off of him, the firing started up again.

" How many are left?" Carter asked after a moment. " Can you see Lucy?"

" Two are left. I don't see Lucy." She pulled him down as he started to look up. " Do you really want your head blown off? Because that's not really something I want to see."

He grinned at her. " I didn't know you cared."

" Pay attention. We're about to be killed." She looked back at the bikers, flinching as more bullets flew by. She could see the volley of fire from Luka's rifle striking the logs that the two remaining bikers were hiding behind. She could see the wood chips flying as each bullet hit. Then, first one and then the other biker pitched forward from behind. She could see the blood start to spread across their chest. Interesting, she thought with a smile, now who do I know that likes to back shoot trolls?

After a moment, Luka and Jeanie stopped firing. The forest was deadly quiet. Not even the birds were chirping. Carter looked at her. " What do you think happened?"

" I say we check it out." She rose to her feet, stopping only to brush off the pine needles. Holding her pistol out, she stepped forward, with Carter right behind her. Luka and Jeanie followed. The camp was literally shot apart. There were broken bottles, ripped tents and bleeding bodies everywhere.

" Where is Lucy?" Luka said it out loud, but Randi knew they were all thinking it.

" She's right here." All of them spun around at the sound of the voice. It was Doug of all people, and he was on his knees holding his hands up. He looked more than a little worse for wear, and pale. Definitely pale, though she supposed having all of them pointing automatic weapons at him might have something to do with it. He kept his hands up until they all relaxed and then gestured downward. " She's here. They've knocked her around pretty good. She lost consciousness during the fire fight. I think she's in shock. " 

" Doug, " Jeanie asked, a trace of suspicion in her voice, " what were you doing here? "

" Well, I was part of a rescue attempt but you all pretty much put that to rest." Doug grinned, but Randi could see that he was shaking. Being caught in a cross fire can't be all that good for the nerves, she thought charitably, and he seems to be sober for a change. He gestured downward again. " Listen, Lucy needs some help. Let's get a fire going and check her out."

" How were you planning on rescuing her?" Luka asked.

" Well..." Before he could say another word, they all heard more rustling in the woods. Randi wasn't terribly surprised to see Kerry limp out of the woods, her crutch in one hand and a high powered rifle with a fancy scope in the other. She was surprised to see a man trail behind her, also holding a rifle and grinning as though he found the whole situation rather funny.

Kerry threw the rifle down. Her face was red blotched and sweaty. " What the hell were you idiots doing? Dave and I could have been killed! Did you see how they pinned you down? You're damn lucky I didn't kill you all!" She took a deep breath, as if she was going to shout some more, but then went very white. She staggered off a few steps and then started vomiting. 

" That's real attractive, chief," her young companion said affectionately. " Try not to spew on your shoes, ok?" He turned his attention back to them. " Hi, I'm Dave Malucci." He pointed to Kerry. " Isn't she just a real sun beam of joy to be around?" Yes, Randi thought suddenly as she started to laugh, this is pretty much exactly how I knew we'd resolve this. With tons of gunfire and vomit. Add a siren and we'd be back in Cook County's ER.


	30. Chapter 30

It was, Carter thought with great relief, wonderful to see everyone wandering around their small encampment. Even if the sound of bickering was the over all sound that pervaded the camp. So people were grumpy, he thought. It had been a pretty crappy day really, and the last three days had been no picnic for anyone. He was just glad that no one had ended up dead. We're pretty lucky, he thought again. He was simply glad that everyone was alive and not too badly injured. 

Lucy had barely spoken to any of them. He didn't expect her to give a dissertation on her time with the bikers, but he was a little worried that she spent the entire afternoon asleep. He hoped she would be ok. He knew though that it would take some time. He hadn't examined her, Doug and Luka had, but he felt it was a pretty safe assumption that she had been raped. That she had been beaten was obvious. He had seen the bruises on her face. He had wanted to help her, but Doug had turned him away with the comment that they already had too many men looking at her. If that was really the case, he mused, then they would have let Kerry take over.

Then again, Kerry had spent the better part of the afternoon throwing up. The new guy, Dave, had been keeping an eye on her so Carter still didn't know what was up with that. Dave didn't seem terribly worried. Still, just judging by the weird tension running between Dave, Doug, and Kerry, something was going on there. No doubt it would come out at dinner. He had a sneaking suspicion that dinner was going to be long and involved and that they would probably talk long into the night. It meant they probably wouldn't appreciate his dinner. He sighed. He was hardly a chef, and he had long since gotten tired of eating out of cans. He had set up their camp stove and was heating up Dinty Moore Beef Stew. That, saltine crackers, and Hostess HoHos was his dinner for everyone. If they aren't happy, he decided suddenly, then they can get their own dinner. No one else was making any effort to provide a meal.

He looked away from the camp stove, just in time to see Dave walk up to the stove. He hadn't really talked to the young man yet, just enough to get basic details. Dave had just graduated from medical school and was only a few years younger than he was. The group he'd been traveling with had been torn apart by the band of bikers, and he'd been shot. It had been lucky beyond belief, he had said earlier, that Kerry had happened upon him when she did. Carter sensed there was a little more to the story there, but it hadn't been a good time to press the issue. Dave seemed to have a sense of humor and Carter was reminded of Doug, when Doug wasn't wallowing in depression. On the plus side, he seemed genuinely concerned about Lucy. Carter didn't particularly like how he was eye balling Randi and Jeanie but most of Dave's attention had been focused on Kerry.

" Wow... hot food." Dave looked at the heating stew hungrily. " Is it gonna be done soon?" He gestured around the camp site. " Is everything ok? The chief is still sick... She probably not gonna want to eat, but I was wondering if maybe there was some ginger ale around. My mom insists that's the best thing for an upset stomach."

" There's a Sprite in my motorcycle's saddlebag. I don't know how good it would be. Kerry probably wouldn't appreciate a soda shower. " He stopped for a moment. " Why is she so sick anyway? I know we've had the flu going around but throwing up wasn't part of it." 

Dave shrugged. " Well, we gave her some antibiotics this morning. I picked up erythomiacin because I was worried about potential allergy reactions."

" That's not a bad idea but..."

" Yeah, I can see she's reacting to the stuff. She'd probably be better off with the penicillin but I didn't want to risk it at the time. She wasn't coherent enough to ask last night." Dave managed to sound concerned and lackadaisical all at once. Carter was oddly struck by his concern and his cheerful good humor. He was also struck by the young man's obvious affection for Kerry. The fact that Kerry seemed to like him was a plus, especially since she wasn't allowing anyone but Dave to check on her condition. He wasn't even sure where she was. Of course he didn't really want to watch her dry heave into the bushes, but it was a habit keeping track of her.

" You know, she's kinda had a hard time of it this summer," Carter said softly. He had concern for her, the same way he was worried about Lucy to the point of distraction. They were like family and he didn't want some interloper hurting Kerry. Not after all that had happened.

Dave, to give him some credit, managed to look serious. " You mean she's upset over most of the human race croaking? Or that she shot some psychotic rapist and all of you thought she's been crazy ever since? I'm on top of that, but thanks for the heads up. "

" Ok..." He was taken back but decided to push forward. " Think she'd like some tea? I was going to make Lucy some." He was planning on making enough for everyone. Again, judging by everyone's tense posturing and by the chill in the early evening air, he thought something hot and soothing would be good for everyone.

" Well..." Dave grinned. " What the hell, sure. The worst that'll happen is that she'll throw it back at me, and maybe snarl some more." A worried look crossed his face. " I better go make sure that she's ok."

At least he knows she snarls, Carter thought charitably. He set some water to boil. Once it was ready, he brewed up a cup. Dave can make his own tea, he thought as he carefully walked over to where Lucy was sitting.

He was glad to see that she was awake. Doug was sitting next to her and as Carter watched, he placed a sleeping bag around her shoulders. " I made you some tea."

Doug looked at him as if deciding whether to be mad or simply irritated. They had been talking, Carter realized, and I interrupted them. He felt bad but there was no way he could have known that they were talking. He was frankly shocked that Doug was still sober. Finally Lucy broke their silent standoff.

" Some tea would be nice," she said softly. She glanced at Doug. " You've been sitting with me all day. You can take a break you know. " 

Doug rose hesitantly, as if he was stiff from sitting far too long. He looked at Carter and then at Lucy, his expression one of concern. " Ok, " he said finally. " I could use a drink. You guys want anything?"

They both shook their heads. Carter waited until the older man moved off towards the truck before he took a seat beside Lucy. Up close, he could see her trembling just a little, but it was hard to tell if it was due to her nerves or the chilly wind that was blowing in off the mountains. He handed her the hot mug taking care to make sure she was holding it tightly before letting go. " How are you feeling?"

She shrugged, and sipped the hot beverage. " Do you really want an honest answer to that, Carter?"

" I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know," he replied quickly. He realized suddenly that it was the truth. He wasn't asking out of some forced sense of obligation. He wasn't dreading the answer even though he knew it wasn't going to be good news. All summer, in many ways, he had put his head in the sand when it came to the problems around him. Coping with Doug's grief, or Kerry's odd little monologues had simply been too much. He had shut them out, subconsciously feeling perhaps that his own issues over the summer's events needed to take center stage. For the first time in a while though, he felt like he could handle someone else's problem.

She took a deep breath. " Carter, I was gang raped by five different men. I feel like a piece of garbage. I really feel like tearing something apart with my bare hands. " Her voice shook but her expression remained calm. " What if I'm pregnant? What they had diseases? They sure weren't using condoms."

" Maybe you are but if you are, we could deal with that." Of that Carter had no doubt. They were doctors, and none of them had moral compunctions about what to do in that sort of situation. If Lucy was pregnant, she would not have to keep the child or carry it to term. He started to put his arm around her but she flinched away.

" Don't touch me," she snapped. He pulled away, feeling suddenly ashamed. Of course, he thought, she doesn't want some man touching her just yet. She managed to wipe the angry look off of her face after a moment. " I'm sorry, " she said. " I know you're worried and you're trying to help. I just... I just don't want to be touched... not yet."

" It's ok..." He waited for a moment, until he could see that she had perceptively calmed down. " I just want you to know you can talk about this with me... if you want. We were all pretty worried. Even Randi, and you know she hates admitting that she worries about any of us." That managed to produce a smile on Lucy's face.

" She was just worried she'd be stuck as the only one who can fix the motorcycles." Lucy didn't quite laugh but she did smile and Carter took hope. Depression was probably the least treatable issue she was likely to have. It was hard not being depressed with the day to day situation, and then with her experience placed on top of it, he was worried. After a moment, her expression grew serious. She looked at him intently. " You know... there is something..." 

" What?"

She hesitated and then looked away. " Have... have you been having bad dreams? About a dark man, with no face..." He could see her cheeks redden, but for that instant, he didn't care. His own dreams had been so terrible... and Lucy's hesitant question struck far too close to home. " Forget I asked," she said after a moment, her voice almost a whisper, " It's not important."

" No, " Carter said. " It is important. I... I have had dreams like that. Why are you asking?"

" The bikers would talk about the dark man like he was real." Lucy shook involuntarily. " They talked about their dreams and they were the same as my dreams. How could they be having the same dreams as me? And why?" 

" I don't know," he said. His own dreams had been horrible, with visions of a dark man that tempted him and taunted him at varying moments. He had gotten to the point that he had taken sleeping pills. What Lucy had described was like his dream, right down to the fact that he had never seen the dark man's face clearly. He felt cold inside, as if something ugly and terrible had finally forced itself into his awareness. " I have had dreams like that. What could it mean... different people having the same dreams?" 

Lucy shuddered again. " I don't know, but I kinda doubt it's a good thing."


	31. Chapter 31

They sure were a group of tight asses, Dave thought as he took a seat near the fire. It was something of a surprise, though he realized that it made more than a little sense. As he had understood from Doug and Kerry, all of them except for Luka the tall, intense looking fellow, had worked together before. That had to make it difficult to be open. Then, too, Kerry and Doug didn't seem like very open people. He doubted under normal circumstances, circumstances where Kerry wasn't suicidal and fairly convinced that she was delusional, that she have shared such personal thoughts with an unknown person like him. It pleased him to think that he had helped her. He had spent the first two weeks after the plague by himself, hiking out of Glacier National Park, and there were times, especially late at night when he had woken himself up by screaming, that he had been convinced that he had gone mad. It hadn't been fun, and his stress had been pretty near unbelievable. He suspected, though he hadn't asked, that Doug's drinking started from grief and kept itself going due to nightmares.

Whatever, Dave thought, that didn't change the fact that they were not a group of people that talked. It seemed telling that none of them really seemed to acknowledge that they had gunned down a bunch of men. They weren't ignoring the fact that Lucy had been beaten and raped, no, but they did seem to view it with the same "lets not discuss it" attitude. They didn't discuss Doug's drinking, even though he had seen every one of them look irritated as Doug worked his way through a bottle of whiskey. From what he had gotten from Kerry the night before, the fact that she had shot a man had also turned into a taboo topic. It wasn't healthy.

Dinner was clearly an informal thing. There was stew bubbling away on the camp stove. Sure, it was just canned stew, but he wasn't used to anyone other than himself making a meal. It was nice. Someone had opened a bag of tortilla chips and some salsa. There were saltine crackers, and snack treats. and even some oreos. Not only that, there were styrofoam bowls and plates and even plastic silverware. They might be tight asses, he thought as he started to help himself, but they know how to have a camp meal. His old group typically just opened cans and ate out of those. It made him feel surprisingly civilized to use a plate.

He loaded his plate high, with a big bowl of stew and lots of chips and salsa. He added some twinkies and oreos after a moment of thought. Truth was, he had lost a lot of weight over the summer. A few empty calories wouldn't hurt. After a moment of consideration, he fixed Kerry a much smaller plate, just some of the stew and a generous helping of crackers. She wasn't likely to eat very much, but he figured it was worth trying anyway. She looked too thin.

Kerry was sitting next to Lucy, evidently encouraging the younger woman to eat. On the other side of Lucy was Jeanie, and she too seemed to be talking to Lucy. It was clearly intentional that they were sitting on each side of her. He looked over Lucy carefully. She's not bad looking, he decided as he sat next to Kerry, but do I want all that baggage? No, definitely not. He was man enough to admit when he knew he wasn't able to help. Well, he allowed, at least not help much. He knew enough to not hit on her, and he knew it was going to be a long road for her. He gave her credit, she looked pretty together. Not crying or screaming, not freaking out. It was good, he supposed. At least it meant they wouldn't assume she was flipping out.

He wondered if they realized just how freaked out they all were. It wasn't healthy, and he suspected that none of them could see what was right before them. They were in a group, a big group really, and yet the fact was they were each alone. No wonder they seem stressed out, he thought. The dreams were bad, very bad. On his own, before he had met up with any people, he had become convinced that he had lost his mind. Especially as he had left the mountains and found the first few towns loaded with nothing but dead people. He had drunk himself into a stupor, and awoke a day and a half later in a puddle of vomit. It was as close to death as he had come that summer, until he'd met up with the group of bikers. He knew what it was to lie awake at night, terrified to sleep and thinking that he was losing his mind. He had, at first, been very very concerned about Kerry's confession of attempting suicide. After meeting her group, he was surprised she hadn't tried it sooner. She seemed very together, very competent and strong, and he could see where their distrust could have made a bad situation worse. She didn't have to say that she had been afraid to talk about her dreams, that had been clear from her hesitance. No one liked being treated like they were crazy, and he could see where Kerry would have kept quiet. Carter hadn't been the only one to make veiled references about her mental state.

At the same time, they'd probably be a lot happier if they talked. They all certainly looked like they hadn't been sleeping well, that was plain. The big, quiet fellow in particular, Luka, had huge black circles under his eyes. Not a healthy look. Lucy, of course, looked very ragged out, but oddly he sensed she was more at peace internally than say, Jeannie who seemed highly stressed out. It was the same sort of peace he had seen in Kerry after they had talked. Interesting.

" Here, " he said as he handed Kerry the plate he had made for her. " You should eat something."

She glared at him, but not too harshly. He suspected that she was annoyed that he was interrupting her chat with Lucy, who also looked a little annoyed. " I'm not hungry, Dave."

" I didn't ask if you were hungry, chief." He waited until she took the plate before he started crunching his way through his stack of corn chips. It seemed as though there was an unspoken signal to gather. As he watched, Carter and Randi took a seat together on the other side of the fire. They were definitely a couple, he got that when Carter had pointedly eyed him when he had checked Randi out. Randi, for her part, had given him a look that had told him not to bother. She had a wild child look to her, with her low cut outfits and vaguely trampy look, and she definitely looked like she could tear someone apart. She had a lean fluid look of a martial artist. He had seen her earlier walking Carter through some moves. If they were a couple, he wasn't going to horn in, that was for sure. Randi didn't really seem Carter's type though, a little too blue collar. No doubt in the old world, a guy as good looking as John Carter would have had his pick.

Same with Luka, a very good looking man and big too. The tall foreigner was apparently attached to Jeanie. Another fine looking woman, but he was content to let the Croation fellow have her. He didn't want to fool with AIDS, not when there was no chance of survival.

That left Doug and he to compete over the remaining women. That wasn't much of a competition, even though Doug was a good looking man. He was a drunk. Lucy seemed to like him, and despite their sniping, he could see real affection between Kerry and Doug, but not interest. Not real interest anyway, but that did him little good. Lucy was a mess, and Kerry seemed to view him much the way she did Carter, as a much younger brother. Maybe I should just wait until we get to Boulder, he thought. Or maybe take it slower. After all, Kerry wasn't completely rebuffing him. He just didn't want to press when he sensed she wasn't free of issues by any means. Besides, he thought as Doug and Luka joined them, the day after one of their women was gang raped was probably not the best time to scope out the chicks. His newfound maturity surprised him, but pleasantly surprised him.

Carter looked around the group, obviously making sure that everyone was there. He had a look on his face that just screamed " I'm being serious" which Dave found funny. He kept his grin to himself though. If Carter wanted to talk about something, in a group that didn't discuss anything, it had to be good.

" Listen, " Carter said after a moment, " Lucy and I were talking..." He stopped, his expression grim yet hesitant. " I... I don't know where to start..."

Lucy sighed. " Look, Carter and I have been having the same dream. About a man with no face, that's evil. He's building an evil empire centered in Las Vegas. The men... the men that attacked us talked about it all the time." She looked around the group. " Maybe we could raise hands? Everyone that's had a similar dream, hands up?" She raised her hand, looking more than a little forlorn.

What the heck, Dave decided as he put a cheery smile on his face and his hand into the air, it's not like I'm lying. Carter put his hand up, as did Kerry. After a moment, so did Luka, Jeanie and Doug. Randi looked them all over, a wry expression on her face, before she too put her hand up.

" I have a question too, " Randi said. Her voice held a hint of a chuckle but Dave could tell that she was trying to be serious. At the same time, she seemed amused, as if she had suspected something all along but hadn't said anything. " Has everyone else had the dream where there's an old black woman in Nebraska? That's now in Boulder? Because if Las Vegas is the evil empire, then I think Boulder is the good empire. So, how about it?" She raised her hand. After an awkward moment, everyone else did too.

There was silence for a long moment. " So what do we do?" Jeanie asked. " It has to mean something."

" If it helps any, " Dave said quickly, " everyone that was in my group were having the same dreams. We decided it was some weird phenomena." Actually he had decided it was some weird phenomena. Everyone else in his group had thought they were the players in some grand X-Files episode. Then again, he supposed that made as much sense as anything.

" Jeez, didn't any of you ever go to church?" Randi asked. " We're talking good and evil here. This isn't some strange thing caused by our alien master overlords, this is biblical. I mean, this is very Old Testament. "

" God has brought plagues before, at least according to the bible." Jeanie added.

Carter shook his head. " I'm sorry, I don't accept that. Sure, God may be directing some of this, but the flu was man made."

" I agree with Carter, " Kerry said suddenly. " Whatever is going on now doesn't change the fact that the superflu was engineered, probably by the U.S. government." She took a deep breath. " I did some work in immunology in medical school. There's no way influenza could have mutated like that with out help."

" So obviously it must be so." Doug said with a laugh. " The great Dr. Weaver has spoken from on high."

" Go to hell," she replied sharply. Dave watched with amusement as her face got red. No doubt she's ready to rumble, he thought with a smile.

" Maybe, " Luka said softly, before either Doug or Kerry could speak, " we shouldn't argue over something we'll never know the answer to. The flu happened. Whether it was man made or natural, it's a moot point now because it's over. Let's talk about what is happening now. We can't change what happened, but we can ... reconsider our plans for the future."

Lucy shook her head. " We need to talk about this. Randi's right, this is good and evil we're talking about." To Dave's surprise, she was very rational considering the situation. He didn't think he'd be very rational after being raped, let alone be capable having a discussion on the metaphysical aspect of the superflu epidemic. Despite his cheery front, talking about the dreams made him feel nervous at the very least. His mother had often said that to name your fear was the first step in conquering it, but all he had right now was a queasy sensation in his stomach. He felt like they were being watched, and the urge to just get up and run to Boulder as fast as he could was almost overwhelming.

Luka looked torn. " Do we all think we're being drawn to either one place or the other? Good versus evil?" His question was hesitant, not so much that he was humoring them, but that he didn't quite want to accept what he was saying.

" Do we all think that Flagg is real?" Carter asked. " I know, in my dreams, what he's doing over in Vegas isn't very nice." Subconsciously, everyone was nodding along. Dave almost smirked. Carter pressed on. " He runs things with an iron fist. I don't... I don't see the attraction."

Kerry shrugged. " Its nice to have the trains run on time, Carter. Human society has always gravitated towards strong rulers who keep their promises. I imagine the power is on in Las Vegas and its safe to walk the streets at night. Fascism has always been popular."

" Spoken like a true fascist." Doug chuckled. Dave noted with some trepidation that Doug had been drinking quite a lot during the discussion. Doug seemed like a decent enough guy but Dave couldn't quite shake the uneasy feeling he had about the man. It wasn't so much the drinking and the worsening attitude he had when drunk, it was the vague suspicion Dave had that Doug was more than a little tempted by the dark man's empire. He was surprised, very surprised that no one so much as told the man to shut up. Kerry was glaring at him, but she seemed to be choking back her rage in order to keep the discussion calm.

" Doug, " she said, her voice icy cold, " let's keep focused. You can make fun of me later. God knows there's plenty of material available."

Doug laughed. It had a cynical edge to it. " Sure Madame Fuhrer."

" Enough!" Carter shouted. " Damn it Doug, grow up. We're having a serious discussion. "

" Yes, a serious discussion demons haunting our dreams." Doug stood up. " I'm going for a walk. When you all are done debating about the ghosts of plagues past, present, and future, come get me."

There was a long period of silence after he walked away. " I suppose, " Jeanie said quietly, " that if we're discussing awkward topics tonight, we might as well discuss the fact that Doug is drinking too much."

" You think?" Luka said, his words rolling with sarcasm. " I hadn't noticed at all" Something about the man's accent made the sarcasm sound doubly resentful. Dave could see why. Luka was probably leading the group, if not in words then by actions, and he probably could use help. Doug drinking himself into a stupor every night couldn't be helping.

" Has anyone said anything to Doug?" Kerry asked after another long moment. " I did, but to be perfectly honest, I've been a little wrapped up in my own issues." And that, Dave thought suddenly, was probably a topic that also needed to be discussed. He didn't know what she was like before, but he had heard Jeanie remark to Carter earlier that day that she "seemed more like herself" which stood to reason as she no longer was working from the theory that she was in the middle of a psychotic breakdown. Without having to think about it, he knew she would have been a lot less miserable about the shooting earlier in the summer if she had known what everyone else was dealing with.

" I told Doug he was drinking too much." Lucy said. Dave could see why that would be ineffective. Lucy looked like a lost little waif.

" I don't think he's happy drinking himself to death." Jeanie said thoughtfully. " Maybe he needs someone to put their foot down. You know, tell him that the drinking has to stop, that we're worried about his health. That we're worried about him." " All right." Carter said brightly. " We'll have an intervention. Should we do it here, or wait until we get to Boulder or stop at my family hunting lodge and do it there?" It was interesting, Dave thought, that they all readily accepted the concept of throwing aside their entire plan and heading to Boulder so easily. He took some pleasure in the fact that he had guessed right, that they were basically a group of good guys.

" We should do it soon. As soon as possible." Jeanie said. " Maybe here isn't such a great spot but we should make it to Carter's place by tomorrow. Maybe we could lay over there for a few days. Not just take a break from traveling but see if he can quit cold turkey. I wouldn't want to be traveling if he has serious withdrawal issues."

Luka raised up his hand. " That sounds like a good plan, but... What if he says no? What of he keeps drinking? Do we put up with it? Do we make him leave?" That statement took the life out of the discussion. Dave considered it himself. It was a tough call. Putting up with it could get damn trying. Even a personable drunk was irritating and Doug wasn't exactly a cheerful drunk. On the other hand, were they ready to kick him out? Could they? Would they, knowing that it was very likely that Doug would head west without anyone to keep him on the right path. That is, if he didn't simply get killed on the way.

" We're not making him leave." Lucy said suddenly. Her voice was strong, though Dave thought he could see her trembling. " You all can do what you want, but if you make him leave, I'll go with him. I owe him that. He walked into that camp knowing those animals were probably going to kill him, and he didn't have to."

" I agree with Lucy, " Kerry said softly, " but for different reasons." She didn't elaborate, which Dave suspected was out of a wish to not hurt their feelings. He allowed that she hadn't been terribly coherent when they had talked the night before, though he hadn't realized it until she got so sick, but she had let slip a gnawing fear. That if her group had discovered that she was not taking medication, that she might be left behind one day as "dangerous". He had thought it unlikely at the time but now he wasn't so sure.

" Kerry, Lucy, " Luka started, " I know you both understand what Doug has. Just because we ask him to stop drinking... that doesn't mean he will. We would have to watch him all of the time. He could get violent. We wouldn't be able to trust him with anything until we were sure he was all right. He could also run off on his own at any point. He is an adult you know. Its his choice to head to Las Vegas."

Kerry's gaze seemed to intensify. " So, lets look at this from a different angle. If I got up in the middle of the night and left, leaving only a note that said I was heading to Las Vegas, none of you would have gone looking for me?"

" God, Kerry, of course we would have." Carter said it with surprise on his voice. " Why would you think we wouldn't?"

" Carter, " she said gently, " Would you go looking because I was crippled, because I am a woman, or because you think I'm mentally unstable and incapable of making rational decisions? Why is Doug different? Because he walks better? Because he's a man? Or because alcoholism is a weakness and not a disease?" She paused.

" That's not the same thing, Kerry." Luka's voice took on a patient tone. " Yes, you were acting unstable for a while, but you were willing to help us help you. You took medication."

She smiled wryly. " I haven't taken any Prozac since July first. For about a month, I was convinced that I was having a severe psychotic episode but I was also convinced that if I said anything, you all would start drugging me with something worse. Don't try to deny it. I know it was discussed. I have been terrified to tell any of you that I've been having terrible nightmares. None of you ever even asked me if there was anything wrong. Not since the morning after we left the hospital. Did it ever cross your mind that Doug might be feeling the same way?" Again she paused but no one chose to speak. " We let Doug's problem escalate because we didn't try to stop it or confront him. Its not all our fault. He deserves his fair share of the blame. No one is making him drink, but we do have an obligation to help him and we can't just throw our hands up at the first obstacle. He needs help. As for having to watch him, isn't that what you've all been doing to me? And not very well at that."

" Oh really?" Randi said with a laugh. " I knew you were palming the pills. You were stuffing them in your jacket pocket. That's also where you've been hiding that gun you picked up. Not that I've been watching or anything."

" Look, do you want to be a group of people that turns someone out?" Kerry persisted. " Do you want to kill him? Because that's what will happen. Its not going to help him to kick him out. Its murder. He'll die. And I can't be a party to that. If he were to actually make it to the west, that'd be worse, because then I'd have his soul on my conscience along with his death."

" Because its biblical. " Randi added. " Good and evil."


	32. Chapter 32

It was a beautiful place, Luka thought as he pulled into a scenic point that had been designated as a rest stop along the highway. He wasn't one to gush over scenery very much. A place was a place, regardless of the charming lakes or pretty tree covered hills. Still, the high mountains with their peaks already covered with snow and sides rolling with lush green growth were breathtaking. He had taken all the mandatory courses involved in becoming a U.S. citizen, but he had never really seen the song " America the Beautiful" as anything but propaganda until that summer. The Rocky Mountains rose up all around him and he stood for a moment, letting the sensation of awe wash over him. Luka wasn't a religious man by any means, he hadn't stepped foot in a church since his wife and children were killed, and he had serious qualms about the idea that they were being directed into a confrontation between good and evil, but as he looked out over the mountains, he could accept that a higher power would make a place that looked that beautiful.

" Its pretty isn't it?" He spun around at the sound of Jeanie's voice. She was sitting astride her motorcycle, taking off her helmet. She grinned at him. " You look lost in thought."

" I didn't even hear you pull up," he admitted. He gestured out to the gaping scene before them. " Its a lot to take in at once." 

She nodded. She got off of her motorcycle and came up beside. He put his arms around her, and for a long moment they stood in companionable silence. " This summer has been hard," he said softly into her ear, " but having you here makes it easier." That was something he had no doubt about at all. He also knew instinctively that he would not have her for long. It was a bittersweet feeling, but one that didn't overwhelm him. He accepted it. He had to. All the talk of a cure was pointless. No matter what he wanted or what he did, she would die. But not today, he thought, and hopefully not for a while.

They broke apart as the growling hum of motorcycles reached them. It was Doug, with Carter not far behind. Randi was riding behind Carter, more out of enjoyment than actual necessity. They were short a cycle, and Dave had not kept his own. Still, four people could easily ride in the extended cab of the truck. Randi had simply, and loudly, declared her preference to ride in " Carter's bitch seat". Luka had seen a few biker movies and knew what she meant, but Carter had been more than a little surprised to discover she simply meant riding behind him on the bike. They all rolled to a stop.

Carter took off his helmet. He had the look of an excited little boy. He fairly jumped off the cycle and strode over to the guard rail. " Look, " he said as he pointed out over the rail. " You can see the lodge from here."

Luka followed his gaze. Deep in the valley, surrounded by pine trees, he could just see a large shingled roof. Yes, he thought tiredly, he's actually calling a three story mansion a hunting lodge. At some point, he decided, I'm going to give him a little talk in perspective. " Do you think we could make it there by tonight?"

" If we aren't there in an hour, we're just not trying very hard." Carter fairly bounced with excitement. " It was only a five minute ride into town and then maybe five or ten more to the house." That translated to more than two hours considering how jammed up the roads were but Luka didn't say anything. He didn't want to bring the younger man down. And then, he considered, the roads had gotten much better during the last few hours. The area hadn't been heavily populated and it looked as though people hadn't panicked. There were a few stalled cars here and there but the truck had been able to keep up fairly well all day.

" Where is the truck?" Jeanie asked. She was clearly thinking much as he was, that the roads weren't so bad.

" They pulled over a few miles back." Doug said quietly. " I think Kerry was throwing up on the road side. I'm beginning to think she's allergic to all the broad spectrum anti-biotics. What's his name, Malucci, was driving so they'll be ok."

Luka didn't know what to think of that. Kerry was ill, there was no doubt of that. She had been feverish that morning, enough that she had readily handed the car keys over to Dave without a word of protest. He was starting to wonder if she had picked up a strain of food poisoning. We'll try intravenous antibiotics tonight, he promised himself. The oral kind had a tendency to make anyone upset to their stomach and he wanted to see if it was really a reaction to the drugs or an actual illness.

" We can wait for the truck if you guys want to go on ahead," he said, after a moment. Carter jumped back on his cycle almost as soon as the words left Luka's mouth, with Randi not far behind. Luka smiled. It was nice to see someone in their band of travelers look happy and excited. Carter had the look of a little boy that was hyper on the notion of bringing his friends home. Randi was more subdued and Doug was down right somber as they pulled away.

" Think he knows that we're going to confront him?" he asked Jeanie as he turned himself back to face her.

" I think he knows something's up." Jeanie allowed, " but I don't think he knows what. He probably thinks we're mad that he walked off last night when we were talking."

" I am mad about that." Luka felt his temper start to flair again. " We are in this together until we get to where we are going." Despite the long talk the night before, he wasn't ready to say that he had completely tossed aside their earlier plan to head to Carter's family hunting lodge, and was now committed to going to Boulder. He had even said so at the close of the discussion. " Drunk or not, depressed or not, he could be helping instead of just... wallowing."

Jeanie shrugged. " Why get yourself worked up now? Besides, he hasn't exactly been carried all the way by the rest of us. And it was pretty brave what he did, walking into that camp after Lucy."

" Jeanie, it was suicidal." He didn't know how to say what he really thought, that Doug was trying to find a way to die. He wasn't sure if it really was a suicidal tendency. Doug was looking for a way out, but clearly the man didn't consider suicide an option. If he did, he would most certainly have done it. There were enough options available that the man could have done it long ago.

" Doug's always been a little self destructive," Jeanie said after a moment of thought. " Its not just this situation. He sabotaged himself a lot. I mean, Carol loved him and it was obvious but their relationship was pretty rocky because of him."

" Still..." Luka didn't really want to argue, not over Doug, but he couldn't help but think that they all tended to excuse his behavior. It was a double standard, as Kerry had pointed out, but it worked more in Doug's favor than hers. They had kept a much closer eye on her and it was because she had a spectacularly violent nervous breakdown, not because she was crippled or a woman. The simple truth was, there had been times were he had been afraid that she would kill them all in their sleep. It had crossed his mind more than once early in their journey, when she had been behaving in an increasingly withdrawn manner. Doug's drinking, by comparison, had been a mild symptom of depression that was easily ignored. It was only as time had passed that it had gotten more noticeable, but at the same time, his concern about Kerry had lessened. It was hard, he thought, to worry about the drunk in our midst, when the crazy person was much more of a concern. " I'm just glad we're going to talk to him about it."

" So am I," Jeanie agreed. They waited quietly, neither having much to say. In truth, while the decision to talk to Doug made him feel relieved, he wasn't looking forward to the confrontation. It wasn't going to be pleasant and made worse by the fact that they had ignored it for so long. They were planning on spending a few days at Carter's place, to rest up, and then head to Boulder. They could use the rest. He was tired, and unlike most of his companions, he hadn't been recently attacked or fallen ill. So far he had been lucky. He looked forward to the break, even if it was going to be fraught with arguments. He just hoped they didn't get stuck there. It was the third week of August. He wasn't a snow person, or from Colorado, but he knew winter started early in the mountains. If they spent too much time at the lodge, they ran the risk of getting snowed in. The direction to Boulder was south, but over high mountains, and he'd already noticed a brisk edge to the wind at the higher elevations.

The truck came into view as it turned the corner and started down the clear stretch of highway towards them. The engine hummed just as smoothly as ever, but Luka was struck suddenly by how quickly the new had worn off the vehicle. Then again, he allowed, all of the cycles look like we rode them to death. It had been some pretty hard miles they had put on all the vehicles. He waved at them, and they obliged by pulling over. Dave was still driving, which was something of a surprise. Kerry was very territorial over the truck.

Both Dave and Lucy, who was riding in the passenger seat, got out as soon as the truck rolled to a stop. " Hey, " Dave said brightly, " what's the plan?"

" Where's Kerry?" Jeanie asked.

" Asleep in the back seat." Lucy responded tiredly. " And could we not wake her up for a while? She is really not a fun person to be locked in a small confined area with when she's sick. I'm depressed enough already. Listening to her go on and on about the societal effects of the plague gets pretty bad after a while."

" The first two hours was interested," Dave interjected, a smile on his face, " but then she started throwing up. Its definitely a reaction to the meds, but I don't think its an allergy. Antibiotics can be pretty hard on your system if you're really run down to begin with."

" And she said she's not allergic." Lucy added.

Dave stepped over to the guard rail. " Hey the view is pretty cool. Looks like where I was hiking in Glacier National Park. Lucy, you should check this out!" He spoke with excitement, but Luka sensed it was a touch forced. Dave seemed like a naturally cheerful fellow but not terribly sensitive and it appeared to be his awkward way of making Lucy feel better. Luka doubted it would accomplish anything but he gave the man plus points for trying.

Lucy, for her part, did walk over to the guard rail. " Its ... pretty. Kind of high though." She paled a little and stepped back. The entire exchange seemed listless, as though she was simply going through the motions of response. Understandable, Luka thought, but worrisome just the same. They would need to keep an eye on her. She had every right to be depressed, and he didn't expect miracles, but it bore watching

" So what's the plan?" Dave asked after a moment.

" We're almost there." Jeanie said brightly. " Carter, Randi, and Doug went on ahead. We waited for you guys. Carter said it was only about an hour drive."

Lucy sniffed. " So its at least three hours away."

" Aw, that's not true," Dave scoffed. " I can do it in two."

" In what fantasy world? You drive like an old woman." Lucy snatched the keys out of Dave's hand in a moment of playfulness and ran back to the truck. Dave gave chase, and in a moment the truck had roared into life.

" They're cute." Luka said as they sped off. " Think they like each other?"

" Oh, maybe as friends," Jeanie said quickly, a smile crossing her face. " She's not ready for that at all, and he's not interested." She chuckled. " I think he's got a crush on Kerry anyway."

" You think?" Luka hadn't seen it but he hadn't been paying much attention.

" He dotes on her." Jeanie said simply. " My mom would have said that he was sweet on her. But listen, we had better get going if we're going to keep up."

" Right." They got back on the bikes. Luka's mind considered everything that was going on and sighed. It would be good to sleep in a bed that night. He needed the break.


	33. Chapter 33

Randi found herself catching Carter's excitement as they drove through the small town. Carter had said that one they left the town, it was only a ten minute drive. It looked like a really nice town, with a ton of expensive chain stores that rarely did much business in such underpopulated areas. It probably helped that everyone who had lived there seemed to be rolling in money. It wasn't like all the other little towns they had driven through. It was a resort for rich people masquerading as a small town. She wondered if Carter even noticed the difference. She had already realized that Carter tended to not see much past appearances.

" We're almost there!" Carter shouted over his shoulder. For once Carter had made a time estimate that wasn't horribly off. It was a long running joke that if Carter said it would take ten minutes, then they could count on it taking at least twenty. She hugged him tightly as they sped down the secluded, forest road. They came up on a high stone fence and wooden gate and Carter slowed the bike to a halt. " This is it. Technically all the land around here is ours, but Grandpa had this stone fence done to enclose the main house and out buildings. There's about ten acres fenced in."

" Ok." She wasn't sure what the right response was. The way things were now, ownership of land seemed a rather silly issue. She could just as easily say she owned all of Chicago. Or New York. Or Ireland. No, she decided suddenly, he's just trying to impress me. " Is there a pool?"

" No but there is a rock quarry that's fed by a spring. It's probably a little cold though. There's a small lake too. And there's lots of deer. How do you feel about some nice venison steaks?" He got off the cycle and opened the heavy wooden gate as he spoke.

" Remember, I need to see a dead deer before I start fantasizing about fresh meat." She had given up on the men as hunters. Granted, none of them had made more than rare attempts to shoot animals for food, but the last fresh meat she had that summer had been a over grilled hamburger from Doc Magoo's before they had closed their doors. Since then, aside from a feast of trout back in Iowa, she had been eating out of cans.

" You're so demanding." Carter joked as he got back onto the cycle. " Here I am, presenting you with a beautiful house and a wonderful estate and now you want fresh meat too? Just what am I to you? A convenient male protector?"

" Well, you're not bad in bed, either." She put her arms around him, this time for affection and not traction. He was good in bed, which was more than a small surprise. Somehow she had formed the idea that he was the sort that fumbled along at sex. Instead he was gentle, and responsive, and often very inventive. Generally, they didn't have enough time or privacy for much inventiveness but she was looking forward to having a bedroom to share.

" Ah... good in bed. What every man needs to hear. Don't ever stop saying that." He revved the engine of the motorcycle and then shouted over his shoulder. " Wait till you see the lodge. I'll let you pick the bed."

They drove down the long drive way in silence. It really wasn't a driveway, more like a private road lined with low stone guide posts. They turned on a wide curve and came upon the house. It looked almost as big as the Carter mansion in Chicago. It also looked like a giant log cabin, complete with a huge covered front porch that extended to the second story. There was an equally large garage off to the side, but Carter pulled right up to the house and parked the cycle on the cobblestone sidewalk. " It looks like no one's been here at all."

They both got off the cycle. Randi hated to rain on his parade but she felt it had to be said. " Carter, before we go in... Is there any chance that you're going to well... Run across the body of some family member?" She didn't want to kill the mood, but at the same time, she knew finding a corpse would kill the mood. It would royally kill it.

That stopped him for a moment, and he did lose some of his good humor. Finally he said, " No. Everyone was in Europe. Mr. Jerrick the caretaker might be here. He lives... lived in the caretaker cabin. It's behind the main house, near the horse barn. He would have been the only one here." After a moment, the smile returned to his face. " Come on, I want to show you around."

She followed him up to the front door. Or rather, the front French doors. The French doors with an extensive mosaic of stained glass that depicted wild animals hiding in the forest. This isn't a hunting lodge, Randi thought, a hunting lodge is a pine shack with tar paper on the roof. This is a expensive house. Carter unlocked the doors and held them open for her. " After you."

" You just want me to find the bodies," she muttered. Still, she had to admit, she wanted to see what passed for casual living in Carter's mind.

The doors led into a giant great room. Up against the far wall was a huge stone fire place. There were several pretty indian rugs on the hard wood floors. Part of the large room was open all the way to the rafters. She stepped over towards the fireplace and checked the whole room out. Despite being so open, the place had the warm homey feel that only log cabins seemed to have. She stepped over to the fireplace and looked up. A stairwell came down from what looked like a loft space. Another stairwell rose from the loft to the third floor, though that just seemed to lead to a small walkway. " This is a big place."

" It just looks that way because of the open floor plan." Carter said. He gestured expansively around the huge room. " This is it for the first floor. The kitchen is behind those double doors, but that and a bathroom is it for this floor. There's about eight bedrooms upstairs and the loft is really more of a library. And Grandpa's study of course. "

" I could tell someone likes to read," Randi said. Bookshelves lined all of the walls and while there was a big screen tv tucked off in one corner near the kitchen, but otherwise the place seemed very quiet. No doubt it was some sort of secluded retreat for the Carter clan.

" There's a pool table in the basement, and a gym. I think you'll like all the boxing stuff. There's even a whirlpool bath down there." Carter crossed his arms and leaned up against one of the wooden pillar supports, a smirk on his face.

She decided to bite. " What good is a whirlpool without electricity?"

He grinned even more, and flicked the light switches. Recessed lights flared into life and in seconds the entire room was brightly lit. " Pretty nice, huh? It'll probably take a few hours to get the water heated up, but I think an evening lounging in the hot tub with a nice chablis sounds pretty damn good."

" Ok, that's pretty cool." And definitely much better than what she had expected. Despite the fancy trappings, she had thought it would be much like when they stayed at motels. Soft beds and not much else for luxuries. She hadn't expected electricity. " Got any other surprises?"

" Not really." He shrugged nonchalantly. " I'm still basking n the knowledge that I please you sexually. Could you maybe go into more detail?"

" I'd rather you didn't, if that's ok." Lucy tentatively stepped through the French doors. She was holding her rucksack and one of the bags of supplies from the truck. Her gaze took in the huge room and its bright electric lights and she smiled hesitantly. " Nice place. Where's my room?"

Carter shrugged again. " There's eight bedrooms. Most are on the third floor. Everybody can have their own. I think we should leave one of the second floor rooms for Kerry though. She probably doesn't need all the stair work."

" Good point." Lucy set down her bags. " We all just pulled in. Luka and Doug are unpacking the truck. Jeanie is helping. Kerry is yelling at Dave for not letting her drive." She glanced at her watch. " Its two o'clock. It's almost like a holiday. I feel like we ought to be driving."

" I suppose you could go driving." Carter said amiably. " There's plenty of food here but we could go out if you like." He was being nice, Randi knew that, but at the same time she wasn't quite sure how much she liked John paying attention to Lucy. It wasn't jealousy, not exactly. Lucy was troubled. She needed them to be concerned. Randi didn't want to behave like a jealous witch when Lucy was still flinching away from all the men. At the same time, especially as she stood in the center of what amounted to a palatial home, she felt insecure. The fact was, she was hardly the sort of girl that John Carter would have brought home before the plague. He had rarely done more than say hello to her before that summer. They had completely different backgrounds and different educational levels and she knew the sort of women he used to date. She wasn't in their league. Even Lucy really wasn't, but she was a much closer fit.

" I'm fine, Carter." Lucy said after a moment. " I just meant that we're normally on the road until almost dark. I might just find a room and take a nap. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." She started up the wooden stairway but stopped as if struck by a thought. " Carter, when you get around to assigning evening chores, don't have Kerry cook. She's not well. It'd be like letting a typhoid carrier make dinner."

" I get your point." Carter said easily. Both he and Randi waited until she had disappeared from the loft area to continue. " So do you want to cook?" His tone and smile implied an entirely different meaning. He stepped towards her and put his arms around her. They both smiled and began to kiss.

" Don't you two have anything to do? I mean, aside from making out? We are unpacking the truck." Randi broke away at the sound of Kerry's harsh voice. The older woman stood in the doorway and in no way was awed by their surroundings. Instead, she seemed to be frothing at the mouth. Randi wasn't sure whether it was a good thing or not. On the one hand, it was a definite return to normal. Kerry had always been a person with a short temper and her weird little attempt at playing it cool had only made Randi more inclined to worry. On the other hand, Randi didn't particularly like getting a patented Weaver tongue lashing when it was deserved, and she didn't deserve it in the slightest.

" Lucy said you weren't feeling well." Carter said brightly. Good idea, Randi thought derisively, just get her more mad. Why not just ask her about her limp? She might just stroke out.

" I am fine" Kerry warned. She limped into the large room, and flicked the light switches off. " Its broad daylight out, Carter. You shouldn't waste electricity. Where's the bathroom?" She headed off as soon as Carter pointed, her skin suddenly taking on a grayish tint.

" She's so much fun." Now it was Dave standing in the doorway. He limped in. Randi gave up on the idea of being alone with John, at least for a while.

" Why are you limping?" she asked.

Dave shrugged. " I offered to help her up the steps. She said she didn't need any help. Then she hit me with her crutch in the knee." He sighed. " I think I made her mad."

Randi shook her head. " You're not very bright, are you?"


	34. Chapter 34

It was, Carter thought as he sat down to the simple oak table, simply great to be home. Even better to be sitting down to dinner with close friends, feeling for the first time in months that things were finally starting to get back under control. Sure, the vast majority of the human race, including everyone in his immediate family was dead, but that was past. And certainly, there were some serious problems that had to be faced. Doug's drinking, Lucy's rape, the dreams that seemed to be directing them all, those weren't issues that were going away any time soon, but for a few days at least it didn't seem quite so overwhelming.

Just the prospect of a few days off seemed to be cheering everyone up. He knew he felt as though a giant weight had been taken off his shoulders. They still had to get to Boulder but he wasn't worried. The weather didn't get unpredictable until the middle of September, and it wasn't a bad drive. Maybe four or five days even with the conditions of the roads being so bad. I don't think it'll be too bad of a problem, he thought, and we need this break. A week off would be nice, he thought. It'll do everyone some good.

" I can't believe you all stuck me with making dinner." Lucy walked out of the kitchen holding a large tray in both hands. " I don't want to hear any complaints." She set the tray down in the center of the table and revealed the evening meal. It was a large pizza, loaded with toppings.

Everyone oohed with appreciation, and for once Carter could tell it wasn't forced. " Thanks Lucy. It looks great."

" Its the only thing I make well, so don't get any ideas." She sat down next to Randi. " There's two more in the oven. I just didn't feel like juggling."

" Where did you find mushrooms? And cheese?" Luka asked.

" This place is surprisingly well stocked. There's a pepperoni pizza and plain cheese waiting." Lucy waited a moment and then glared at them all. " I spent the last two hours cooking. Somebody better eat."

Everyone quickly grabbed a slice. In a matter of seconds, all that was heard was the sound of contented people. It probably helped, Carter mused, that they were all very hungry. He had barely eaten all day, being in such a rush to get there and no one else had been interested in pushing meals. Generally he was the only one who suggested regular meals. Kerry sometimes backed him, but she tended to get annoyed that she was always then stuck making the meal. She was the only skilled cook in the group though. Carter had taken Lucy's warning earlier in the day to heart. He had no wish to see everyone catch whatever Kerry had, and he was of the opinion that it wasn't entirely just the cold that had been following them from Chicago. It also wasn't a cold that had made her temperature skyrocket. It wasn't entirely a bad reaction to antibiotics that had her stomach upset either.

Possibly, it had something to do with it, but he believed her when she said she wasn't allergic to anything. It really wasn't something that people lied about from embarrassment. As it was, Dave and Luka had spent the better part of the afternoon keeping an eye on her while she slept. It probably helped that they had given her some Compazine along with more, different antibiotics. He'd had that a few times, and he knew it was one of the extra strength drowsy medications. At least she had slept for a while. He had gotten the impression from her, and from Lucy and Dave's comments, that she had been less than lucid for some large part of the morning. As it was, she was merely picking at the pizza. His eyes narrowed. She couldn't afford to miss too many meals before it started to show, she wasn't that big to begin with. A few days off would help.

It would help everyone, he decided as he looked around the table, seeing nothing but tired faces. We're all tired, tired and stressed out. He couldn't remember a time since early June, before the plague, where he had been able to relax. He had been stressed out from the beginning. Stressed and feeling useless and the truth was, he still felt a little like he was nothing but an extra pair of hands. Randi simply was better suited for a survival situation. She knew how things worked, while he had just vague notions. Luka, for all his quiet demeanor, was pretty on the ball and knew how to get things done. Carter was big enough to admit that he never would have thought that the bikers would have stopped somewhere between the two towns to party. Sure, Kerry had been acting pretty mental, but all things considered, it was pretty understandable. They hadn't been exactly trying to help her, and even though she was pretty upset most of the time, he figured she was still the better doctor, not to mention the better cook and certainly the best shot. Jeanie was simply a trooper. She didn't complain, at least not to the group, and she kept a smile on her face despite the fact that she probably had the least to look forward to. He couldn't say the same. Sure, he hadn't fallen apart, not since that time early on in the hospital after Peter had died.

His smile faded from his face, and he found himself frowning at the slice of pizza, despite the fact that it really was rather tasty. He hadn't really let himself think about what had happened. I miss Peter, he thought sadly. As nice as it was to have familiar faces around the table, there were a lot of missing faces. I miss them, he thought again, I miss them all. He clamped down on that thought before it overwhelmed him. It was too much, even after a few months. It was hard enough getting through some of the rotten post superflu days without letting the past overwhelm him.

Overwhelm him the way the past was overwhelming Doug. He felt for the older man, he did. He missed Carol too. Doug was suffering. While they planned to discuss his drinking with the man, Carter wasn't sure how well that would work. Doug didn't generally like being told anything, and most especially anything negative about himself. It was possible that a confrontation would make Doug stop. It was just as possible that the confrontation would make Doug leave. As horrible as it felt, the truth was that Carter didn't really care how the situation resolved as long as it got resolved soon. Doug wasn't a mean or abusive drunk, but he was a drunk. Carter was tired of it. It was hard to deal with on a day to day basis. More than once, he had shaken Doug awake in the morning with the fear that the man had drunk himself to death. It was stressful. Yes, there had been other stressful moments that summer, it wasn't the worst issue he had dealt with, but it was the longest running issue. Doug's drinking was constant as soon as they stopped moving for the day. All of the problems they had, even the concern he had for how Kerry was acting, those fears had lessened as the summer wore on. Doug's drinking, probably the only other serious personal issue they had that they could do anything about and it was getting worse. He didn't want Doug to leave, but he sensed that a confrontation would force the issue. So, he kept his mouth shut, even as Doug opened another beer. It's hard to complain, Carter reasoned, when I'm drinking a beer myself.

He looked across the table. Luka was starting to frown, and Carter suddenly realized that the foreigner had no compunctions about ruining dinner. Luka had been slowly boiling over all summer. It wasn't that Luka didn't like the man, in fact Carter sensed that the two older men could have a close friendship if Doug wasn't always drunk. Carter thought Luka was lonely and wanted a male companion, and given Luka's unfortunate history, Carter thought that he could help Doug work out some of his grief. Instead, Doug drank and drank, and Carter suspected that deep down a lot of Luka's anger was because he felt rebuffed. Just wait, Carter thought desperately, until most of us are done eating. An argument was just going to end the meal, and there were a few people who needed to eat.

Luka frowned more. " Doug, you drink too much. " Everyone stopped and looked, first at Luka and then at Doug. Doug had that intense, angry look that Carter had only seen a few times before. Doug could look damn mean when he was pissed off. Then again, Carter thought, Luka wasn't exactly looking like a man that was overflowing with warm feelings.

After a long moment, Doug leaned back in his chair and took a drink of his beer. " Do you think? I mean, do you all think that? How about we have a raise of hands?" His glare managed to encompass all of them.

Carter raised his hand. If we're going to open this can of worms tonight, he decided, then lets really open it. " You drink too much Doug. We're worried." Everyone nodded along to his words and they all held up their hands. Doug continued glaring at them.

" Doug, " Jeanie said suddenly, " I'm not judging you. I understand whats wrong. No one is blaming you for grieving and god knows you have reasons to be depressed. You just can't keep drinking like this. You're hurting yourself."

" We need you." Luka said softly. " We're not out of the woods yet. We still need to find other people. It's going to be a hard winter, even if we do find a large group of people in Boulder. I need your help, and your support. We all do."

Again Doug was silent, but Carter could see that the man was seething internally. It's not going to work, he realized, but we still have to try. I have to try. " Doug, I don't want to watch you kill yourself and that's what you're doing."

" Really?" Doug's tone was amused, as if he didn't quite know whether to take him seriously. " You think I'm suicidal? " He took another long drink of beer. " Kerry, what do you think on that topic?"

Carter saw her eyes narrow, and realized that Doug was asking for a little more than mere commentary. Kerry set down the piece of pizza that she was holding, her expression grim. " Doug, this little encounter session is about you, not me. If you need to have me say it, then fine. I tried to kill myself three days ago. I'd planned it for weeks. I've been depressed. I can honestly say I'm still depressed." She paused. " Now that I've set the topic for the next encounter session, let me throw my opinion in. You've heard it already, but I'll say it again. You'll stop drinking when you stop feeling guilty for living when Carol died. I think you're close to that point. If you want to stop, I'll help you. We all will. But you have to want to stop and I can't make that decision for you. None of us can."

Doug rolled his eyes as he stood up. " I don't need this shit!" He grabbed his bottle of beer and stomped off. They all watched but no one said a thing until he was gone.

" I think that went really well," Randi drawled. That drew a wry chuckle from everyone but then they all fell back into awkward silence.

" So um... Kerry, " Lucy said suddenly, " Were you trying to kill yourself when you made that batch of cookies with rat poison?"

Carter's eyes widened in surprise. It wasn't really a shock to him that Kerry had been suicidal and they had missed it, but Lucy had never mentioned any incident at all.

Kerry shrugged and picked up her slice of pizza. " I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was actually considering killing all of you." She stopped herself and took in their rather stunned faces. " I'm feeling much better now. Really."

There was a long silence. Finally Dave leaned back in his chair and smirked. " I think we've got material for at least two encounter sessions, Chief." 


	35. Chapter 35

To hell with them, Doug thought as he shoved more clothes back into his backpack. How much I drink is my damn business, and not theirs. If I want to drink all the damn time, its my business and none of theirs. He stopped as he realized that there was no real need to pack more than a change or two of clothing. I can just pick up whatever I want.

I'm not an alcoholic, he thought angrily. I'm not. And I'm not crazy the way they are, thinking that there's some sort of last bastion of civilization in Boulder, Colorado. What a crock. The fact that he was about to embark on a journey to Las Vegas based on nothing more than the fact that he was pretty sure he'd be killed along the way. He intended to keep his promise to Carol. He wasn't going to kill himself, despite the fact that life was rapidly turning into one giant pain in the ass. He missed Carol desperately, but he had promised her that he wouldn't kill himself. It was the last promise he'd ever made to her, and it was probably the only one he would ever keep. She deserved that, if nothing else. God knows he had never kept any other promises to her. He hadn't been faithful, and that had been the big issue. He couldn't exactly be faithful now, that was for sure, but he could keep his promise. If he got killed,so much the better. He was absolved of his promise and he got what he wanted.

And these bastards can have what they want, a Doug free environment. With that thought, he swung the pack around onto his back. I'll walk to the next town, he decided, and pick up a bike there. It was three in the morning so the odds were against anyone waking up at the sound of a motorcycle, but he didn't want to take the chance. He didn't want a long emotional scene. It was easier on everyone that way.

If nothing else, he wasn't a fool, and he knew that they were all genuinely concerned. To a certain extent, he agreed with their assessment. He drank far too much. He didn't enjoy it, not at all, and the hangovers, blackouts, and all around crappy way he felt told him that he was developing a problem. Still, the alternatives were equally bad or else simply didn't exist. Drinking kept all of the memories and guilty feelings nicely repressed. He had no wish to undergo amateur therapy at the hands of his companions, and the days of Alcoholics Anonymous were long past. It's better this way, he thought as he stealthily strode down the stairs. This way I don't have to put up with their half assed attempts at solving my problems, and they don't have to feel guilty about failing. That they would fail, he had no doubt.

He crossed the living room floor, almost delighting in the quiet. The house was silent, except for the gentle sounds of snoring. He assumed it was Kovac, the only one who really consistently made noise at night. At least someone was sleeping soundly. There had been nothing but restless noise for most of the night. Quiet restless noise, that was how the whole evening had been, despite the attraction of numerous electronic toys to play with. Of course, he had withdrawn to his room to nurse his beer and his rage, but generally speaking so had everyone else. Then again, he reasoned, people were tired, sick and tired. A rest would do them good, not that he planned to stick around to see it. He carefully opened the french doors, stepped out onto the wide porch, and then closed the door.

" Running off and leaving? Surprise, surprise." Doug spun around, and spotted Kerry sitting up against one of the porch pillars, her bad leg propped along the porch's wide shelf like railings. Much to his surprise, she was holding a fifth of bourbon and it was obvious she had been drinking. Great, Doug thought, one last lecture.

" Yes, Kerry, I'm leaving." It was just possible that he could walk off without answering her. God knows she couldn't walk along with him, but he didn't. He waited for her to say whatever it was that she wanted, knowing that he hadn't yet worked himself into such a state of disregard. " Have you been drinking?"

She shrugged. " As if that should matter to you. You're not the only one with problems you know. You aren't the only one having trouble coping with our brave new world. Maybe I wanted a drink. Maybe I needed, just for one night, to forget everything. Maybe I've been feeling humiliated because someone felt it was necessary to force me into admitting a suicide attempt that I'm more than a little ashamed about. I appreciated that, Doug. I really enjoy being treated like a mental invalid, I do. It's a high point."

He felt his anger boil over. " And being accused of being an alcoholic isn't humiliating?"

" Doug, you are an alcoholic." Her words were tired and a little slurred, but her eyes seemed very sharp. " The only time you aren't drunk is when we're traveling and that's probably the only reason no one has said anything until now."

" And you're not a mental invalid?" Doug asked snidely.

She cocked her head. " Fine. If I have to say it, I will. I've been mentally ill. I've been severely depressed. I've had at least two episodes this summer where I'm still pretty convinced a man from my dreams tried to talk me into killing all of you in exchange for my own personal empire. I think he was real. I still do. I tried to kill myself. Until about two days ago, I was convinced I was a danger to everyone around me. Everyone treats me like I'm completely useless and a time consuming drag unless they want to eat. Trust me Doug, you don't know what depression is. " She stopped for a second. " Are you happy now? You aren't the only one suffering."

It didn't make him happy. In all honesty, he just felt worse. Things hadn't been easy for anyone, he knew that, and baiting Kerry into admitting it wasn't making him feel better. It made him sad. He didn't want to keep feeling sad and depressed all of the time. The liquor didn't help, and he knew deep down he was just trying to die, but he didn't want to talk about it. Not now, he decided, its too late. " Kerry... You're not going to stop me. And you can forget about chasing after me."

She shook her head. " As if I could stop you. In case you missed it, I'm not exactly capable to forcing you to stay. So go ahead. You're an adult with free will. As for chasing after you, I learned a long time ago that I'm going to come in last in every race I run." She gestured to her crutch. " Think about it Doug. If none of you had lived through the plague, I would still be in Chicago, probably within a five block radius of the hospital. That's if I was still alive, and all things considered I probably would be dead. If I had gotten separated from you all back in that town, I sure wouldn't have gotten here within two days by myself." She took a long drink. " In a world without roadside assistance and clean sidewalks, people like me don't get very far." Her words held more than a little bitterness. " So go on Doug. Just remember, no matter how much you justify it in your mind, you are killing yourself."

He took the bottle out of her hands, and took a drink himself. Again, he was struck by how good her taste in alcohol was, though anything picked up in Carter's house generally reeked quality. " I think you're just projecting your own suicidal intentions, Kerry." He didn't, but he knew it'd get a rise out of her.

She smiled wryly and stood up, leaning against the wood pillar. " You're not the only one who knew Carol Hathaway, Doug. And I have to give her credit, she knew you, and knew exactly how you were going to act. She made you promise not to kill yourself." She held up her hand as he started to protest. " Don't start, Doug. I know it's true. I can see it in your eyes. You think drinking yourself into a stupor and getting yourself killed doesn't count, but it does. And heading west, to whatever's there is just your way of punishing yourself. You don't belong there, and you know it. More importantly, the man running the show there knows it. You'll be killed. You think that's what you want, but I don't think you realize the consequences."

"Right. " He shook his head. " I'm not enough of a drunk to buy into everyone's little fantasy about an evil empire in the west." Even though their dreams did eerily match his, he didn't want to admit it. He also didn't want to admit that he believed it more after hearing Kerry admit to believing it. No need to feed her ego, he thought.

" Doug, if you don't believe, why are you heading west at all? If we're all just delusional, then there's no chance that there's anything at all in Las Vegas except dust and old gambling chips." She took a step closer, and put her hand on his arm. " Doug, no one here wants you to go. I don't want you to go."

" Kerry..." he said softly. It hurt, it hurt like knives being stabbed into his heart. He had never seen her as a very warm person. Caring, yes, but she had always been a little rigid and cold seeming. Now though, as she looked at him with pleading eyes, he was reminded of Carol. Carol, who had been the warmest most caring person he'd ever known, and seeing that warmth in another person was... strange. Different. Oddly arousing. " Kerry, I..." Without thinking, he pulled her closer and kissed her on the lips.

Much to his surprise, she responded in kind. They kissed passionately. I shouldn't do this, Doug thought as they both lowered themselves to the porch floor. She's been drinking, I've been drinking. On the other hand, she wasn't exactly stopping herself, and it felt so good. He let the moment of indecision pass and kissed her again.

Kerry awoke, the pain in her side telling her that sleeping on a bare hard wood floor hadn't been one of her better ideas. Oh this really was the night for bad ideas, she thought as she pulled herself up into a seated position. She spied the bottle of bourbon and sighed. Did I really think drinking was going to help, she wondered. She pulled herself upright, feeling every ache. Doug was gone, and that didn't surprise her. It disappointed her, but she had known that the moment he was confronted, he would leave.

And I really helped that along didn't I? Getting drunk, and screwing him like a mink in heat, that was just a great idea. A real mature way to help him. He probably left from embarrassment. She grabbed her crutch angrily and as she looked up, she caught the first dark pink rays of the coming sunrise.

No, she decided, he didn't leave out of embarrassment. We didn't sleep together out of pity, and I can admit I enjoyed it. The problem is that he's going to kill himself and I can't go chasing after him. She sighed again. She believed, more than ever, that they were each being asked to make a choice, a choice between good and evil. Doug was far too depressed to make a rational decision and the people on the other side of the mountains were going to eat him alive. She had almost made a very bad choice herself and it was only chance that had stopped her. She feared Doug wouldn't be so lucky, and she wasn't in any position to go after him.

She limped to the french doors, and made up her mind. I can't go after him, she thought grimly, but I know someone who can. He deserves that much of a chance.


	36. Chapter 36

The warm scent of cooking was what drove Luka from a state of sleepy unawareness to full consciousness. A part of him, most of him really, wanted to ignore the bright sunlight streaming through the large bay window. What he really wanted to do was just snuggle closer to Jeanie. The problem was that he had always been the sort that, once fully awake, couldn't get back to sleep. Jeanie on the other hand was still sleeping soundly, and it had taken her some time to get to sleep. The best plan, he decided, was to slip out of bed without waking her and get the morning started.

He glanced at his watch as he tiptoed out of the room. It was almost eight in the morning, a good two hours later than what they normally got up. Well, he thought, its not like we're in a rush to leave today. The plan had been to stay for at least a week, depending on how Doug responded to their confrontation. He didn't hold out a lot of hope in that respect. Doug had not seemed very receptive to their little talk, not by a long shot.

If he wants help, Luka thought as he padded down the thick carpeted stairwell, I will help him. I'm not putting up with too much nonsense though. He has to get the drinking under control. It wasn't healthy for everyone. Most of all it wasn't healthy for Doug.

He put those thoughts aside as he walked into the kitchen. The room was brightly lit by the morning sunlight, and it was filled with inviting scents. Chief among them was the smell of fresh coffee, but it was clear someone had been hard at work. Kerry was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper. She had her glasses on, the ones with the chain attached, and the overall effect was to make her look stern. On the plus side, there was an empty, clearly used plate right by her which he took as a good sign on several counts. At least she was eating, something that had worried him. It also was just such a normal thing, to find a woman sitting in a kitchen calmly drinking a cup of coffee with the warm smell of breakfast lingering through the room. " Good morning, Kerry."

" Good morning, Luka." She rustled the paper. " There's breakfast in the warming oven. Pancakes and corned beef hash, and if you're willing to wait a few minutes, there will be muffins. I can't guarantee how good they'll be since it's just a mix I found." She rustled the paper again. " According to this, tensions in the middle east may cause oil prices to rise. Our heating costs might go up."

He started to pour himself a cup of coffee, wondering just what the correct response was. She was, after knowing her for almost two months, not one for joking around much. Then again, her sense of humor did veer towards irony, sarcasm, and dry witty remarks. " Maybe I should rethink my investment plans."

She nodded. " I'm leaning towards more oil stocks. Would you pour me some more coffee?" She smirked as she held up her cup. Well, Luka decided, at least she's in a good mood. Surprising considering she didn't look like she had slept well. He had to admit, he had slept quite well himself and it certainly seemed to have improved his own mood. He helped himself to a generous helping of corned beef hash and added a few pancakes. " It looks great, Kerry."

" Thank you, " she said as she turned her attention back to the paper. " Eventually I will have to show one of you my magical secret process of adding water to pancake mix." He eyed her, and was amused to see a smile twitching on her lips. Definitely in a good mood, he decided.

Randi trotted in, wearing what was obviously one of Carter's shirts and little else. She sniffed the air, and went straight to the warming oven. " Hey Kerry, which are the good pancakes and which are the poisoned ones?"

" Its a random dispersal." Kerry said dryly from behind the newspaper. " The important question, Randi, is do you feel lucky?"

" What the hell, I'll take my chances." Randi immediately began piling pancakes onto her plate. Had it not been for the fact that both women were barely containing their smirks of amusement, Luka might have yelled at Randi for such a cheap shot. Then again,Kerry hardly seemed to need any defense. He found himself suddenly wondering what had her in such a good mood. God knows, he felt better for having gotten some sleep but the fact was that their situation hadn't noticeably improved overnight. Oh well, why spoil the day this early? Besides, Randi and Kerry got along very well. He sometimes wondered why, but chalked it up to his own ignorance. Women were simply different. Despite having very little in common as far as education, style, and personality, the women in his band were a tight, rather closed circle. He knew that had he made cracks about Kerry's sanity, not only would Kerry have left in a huff, but Randi would have torn into him for being an insensitive lout.

" Carter won't be down for a while." Randi said as she sat down to the table. " He's still pretty tired." She started pouring maple syrup onto her pancakes. " This is sort of deja vue like. I mean, gee Kerry, I kind of expect you to have a nervous breakdown. That's what happened the last time you made pancakes." This time Randi did smirk.

Kerry's eyes held a devilish glint as she lowered the paper. " I didn't get any sleep last night because of you and Carter so you might want to hush. Unless you want your Xena, Warrior Princess fantasy revealed, that is."

Luka tried not to smile as Randi arched an eyebrow. " Just what do you think you heard?" she asked dryly.

Kerry returned her attention to the newspaper. " I've heard wild monkeys in heat that made less noise. I won't even ask what the magic sword of Hercules is."

Randi was taken back, but only for a moment. " Are you adding voyeurism to your handbag of mental disorders?"

" Its not voyeurism when I can hear it from a different room. I hope you two are using condoms. " Kerry looked over the paper, " You two do know where babies come from, right?"

Randi grinned and tossed her long hair back. " Its comments like that that make me think you really need to get laid." Much to Luka's surprise, that too was a remark that Kerry tolerated with a mere wry glance. Something had her distracted, he decided, and he had a sneaking suspicion she was up to something. What exactly, he wasn't sure. He wasn't even sure that he was right. Something about the whole morning felt like a set up. You're being paranoid, he told himself.

Malucci trotted in, wearing a pair of boxers and nothing else. " Someone's made breakfast for me again? " he asked as he went straight to the oven. " Great, I'm starving!" He made a show of heaping his plate with food, a show which both Randi and Kerry enjoyed judging by their stares. The fact that Dave was clearly showing his muscular chest and abs off to the women helped quite a bit. He was only a few years younger than Carter, Luka mused, and yet it was amazing to see just what that few years meant to hormone levels. Much to Luka's amusement, Dave pulled up a chair right next to Kerry. Ever since Jeanie had suggested her theory on Dave's behavior, Luka couldn't help but see it.

" Are you feeling better, chief?" Dave asked as he started shoveling corned beef hash into his mouth. " I don't care what these people say, you can cook meals for me anytime."

" Its amazing the loyalty that opening a can will inspire." Kerry murmured from behind her newspaper. " Do you want the sports page?"

" Sure." Dave took it from her. " Why are you reading a two month old newspaper anyway?"

" I spent the last three weeks of mass world communication in the Cook County ER treating patients. I was just curious to see if I had missed anything important." Kerry said. She rustled the papers. " It looks like the president might be in trouble over having his little affair with an intern. And there's a sale at Target."

" We should go to that." Randi said. " I need more utility pants. But we better go early if we're going to beat the lines." That drew an amused chuckle from them all. After a moment they all settled back into eating or reading. Luka still couldn't quite shake the idea that something was wrong, but he pushed those thoughts aside. Stop trying to find something wrong, he chastised himself, it is possible to have a nice day. Just because it's been a long time since you were able to relax, you don't have to look for things to be wrong. He started working his way through his plate of food. Despite the fact that it made him more than a little nervous to have her cooking their meals, he had to give Kerry credit, what she was doing was not just opening cans. It was damn hard to make even a passable meal with nothing but canned food. He was tired of Chef Boyardee, and he was willing to take his chances if it meant the occasional decent meal. 

After a few minutes of quiet, Carter finally made an appearance, wearing nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms. Luka found himself feeling very overdressed in comparison to the other men, but shook it off. I don't need to prance around shirtless, he thought smugly as he watched the younger man dish up pancakes, and I look better.

Carter looked at the group assembled around the table with a quizzical expression on his face. " I know Jeanie is still asleep, but Lucy and Doug aren't upstairs." As Carter finished his short statement, Luka felt the odd sense of unease that he had been feeling coalesce into an icy ball of fear in his stomach. 

Kerry lowered the paper. " Did I mention that Doug left at around four this morning? I thought he seemed suicidal so I woke Lucy up and sent her after him." She returned her attention to the paper.

They all turned to look at her. After a moment, she lowered the paper again. " What?"

" Why didn't you say anything?" Luka asked. He was stunned. It was hard to believe that Kerry would be that irresponsible. "

" Well, telling you would really defeat the purpose of letting her get a head start, now wouldn't it?" Kerry lowered the paper and eyed him, as if daring him to argue.

It wasn't going to work. He wasn't scared of her, and he sure didn't agree with her. " What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? Why didn't you wake up the rest of us?"

" I thought you needed the sleep." Kerry retorted. " Besides, its not like you would have done anything. I woke the one person I knew that would go after him." She paused for a moment.

Luka found himself seeing red. She was right, of course. Lucy was probably the only one in the group that would have bothered. More importantly, there was no way they could just ignore the fact that Lucy had gone. Someone would have to go after the young woman, and he had no doubt that Kerry had intended just that. Going after Lucy meant going after Doug, and Luka didn't like being manipulated. " Kerry, Lucy is in no shape to be running around by herself."

Kerry's expression didn't change, but her eyes glinted with anger. " She was raped, Luka, not crippled. There's a difference. Trust me on that. I didn't make her go, she made the choice. I only woke her up. "

" Dammit!" Luka got up and stalked out. They had been played, and it made him mad. What made him feel worse was knowing that he wouldn't have even considered going after Doug if Lucy hadn't gone after him first.


	37. Chapter 37

It was actually a little chilly on the ridge, despite the bright sunlight pouring down from cloudless sky. Lucy slowed her motorcycle to a halt along the center line and parked it. She pulled a pair of warm gloves on. Then she took a moment to really look around.

The mountains were breathtaking, that was easy to admit. Lucy had never been through the Rockies, though she had flown over them a few times. That didn't lessen their impact on her. The way the trees ended and the stark bare rock rose up fascinated her. She could see that at the lower level, the trees were just starting to turn colors. It's fall, she realized with a start. She knew intellectually that it was September first, but the passage of time hadn't really been registering to her. It had seemed like the summer had just begun. She had been finishing up her third year of medical school. In theory, she should be walking through the doors of a hospital, getting stressed out from being run ragged by cruel residents. Instead, she was sitting on a motorcycle, dressed like a biker chick in a black leather jacket and shades, looking for Doug Ross. It's been one hell of a summer, she decided.

She was going along the main highway. According to the map, the most direct route was through the Eisenhower Tunnel. It wasn't likely to be passable, even with a cycle. Already the road was looking pretty crowded with cars. She wasn't entirely positive that the visible cycle tracks were from Doug, but it seemed pretty likely. There just weren't that many people left in the world and the odds that anyone else had picked up a new bike from the Harley dealership in the little town near the Carter family lodge weren't exactly high. With all the rain, the cycle had left fairly clear tracks.

It wasn't so much that she felt obligated to go after Doug, though she did feel some sense of obligation. He had put himself into harm's way for her, for no reason at all. It wasn't Kerry Weaver's guilt trip that had her packing a bag at four that morning, though she did give the older woman credit for pressing all of her buttons very effectively.

She did owe Doug a favor, but it was more than that. He was a good man, a better man than he gave himself credit for being. He didn't belong out west, with the dark man's soulless minions, and even though she felt more and more nervous the farther west she went, she wasn't going to let it happen if she could help it. What exactly she could do, she wasn't sure, but she wasn't going to let him destroy himself. She suspected that Kerry's motivations were similar, if not exactly the same.

And Kerry had been right on one major point, Lucy thought. Travel was a lot easier and quicker without having a truck to screw around with. There were a number of major wrecks that Kerry would have had to detour around. Several times, as Lucy found herself dragging her motorcycle around twenty car pileups, she wondered if Doug had intentionally picked a route that was a mess. No doubt he was trying to shake off pursuit.

She turned the bike back on and started to weave through the stalled cars. It was slow going and it gave her time to think. She understood, at least she thought she understood, why Kerry had gotten her up, and not one of the men. Carter was a little too wrapped up in being "home" and his burgeoning relationship with Randi. Luka was just as likely to beat the crap out of Doug as he was to bring him back. Dave certainly would try, but Lucy sensed he was the sort to make a good show of it, and then scurry back to hang around Kerry. It was almost cute, especially the way Dave viewed Doug as his competition. Still, it also meant that Dave wasn't likely to look very hard. Kerry wasn't likely to send Jeanie, considering all of the potential health issues, and Randi hadn't seemed very sympathetic to Doug's plight. Randi generally took a hard line towards Doug's drinking, and her standard opinion was that Doug was a grown up and if he wanted to drink himself to death, that was his choice.

And, she thought darkly, if Kerry had gone off, they all would have gone running after her and caught her at the first car wreck. She, on the other hand, was having no trouble traveling and yet would still inspire enough fear and pity that they would all come running. We can't leave the rape victim alone after all, she thought. It was a brutal manipulation on Kerry's part. Lucy had absolutely no doubt that there was a rescue party out searching for her. Her and Doug, which was Kerry's primary motivation. Oh sure, Lucy suspected that the older woman was concerned about her and saw the trip as some sort of quest for her to regain her equilibrium, but it didn't change the fact that Kerry had chosen her partly because she knew Lucy would go, and mostly because she knew everyone would go after Lucy.

Lucy didn't think much of Kerry's psychiatric techniques, but it was good to get away from everyone's smothering concern. It was awkward with everyone. No one was acting badly, on the contrary everyone was very kind and concerned, and she knew she'd been lucky to walk away with nothing but cuts, bruises, and bad nerves. The problem was that no one wanted to talk to her. They all were concerned, that she knew, but none of them wanted to talk about it. It wasn't as though she wanted to get into the fun details of how Matt had put a gun to her head and told her she had a choice, that she could suck his cock or he could blow her head off. She didn't want to talk about that, or the fact that she had done as the man had asked, but she did wish she could talk to someone. It didn't even have to be one of the women. She had even considered approaching one of them but it was awkward. At first, and even second thought, Kerry was the ideal choice to talk with. Not only was she the only other rape victim, she had shown an almost desperate need to talk just weeks earlier. On the other hand, Kerry was rather odd and unapproachable and had been that way even before the plague. It was less an issue of wanting to talk as it was finding a moment where Kerry didn't have her guard up. It was worse approaching any of the others, in that their sympathy was going to overwhelm their otherwise good sense. Randi, for example, had made it a point of trying to talk to her. That had been incredibly awkward. Carter had tried too, and everyone, even the new fellow Dave had made it a point to let her know how free they were to talk.

Not really an issue now though, she thought as she slowly tooled around another large wreck. It was late afternoon, about the time that they normally stopped traveling, but she decided to press on. Doug had probably stopped moving, and she had a chance of catching him. The road quickly turned into a massive traffic jam as she got closer to the tunnel. There was no way anything other than a very small car had gotten through and she was beginning to have serious doubts that the Eisenhower Tunnel would even be passable. The road was nothing but piles of cars left willy nilly like toys that had been left by a neglectful child. She slowed to a halt again, and compared her map to the mile post. She was still a good ten miles away from the tunnel entrance and the road was essentially blocked. Here and there she could see signs that someone had tried to work a car through, but with vehicles parked even on the median, it was a fool's errand. She had no doubt that whoever had tried it had failed miserably. She wasn't a detective, and her only real experience with mysteries was a childhood infatuation with the Hardy Boys, but she thought she was reading the signs fairly well. The car tracks looked significantly fresher than two months. The motorcycle tracks were fresher still and in some places she could see where someone had driven through mud puddles earlier in the day. She didn't think that she was on the wrong track.

She slowed even more as she approached a bend in the road. There was no railing left along the edge and one bad spill would mean a very long fall onto jagged rocks far below. Plus, there was a strong possibility of running into another wreck. Despite everything, she had no wish to die and she certainly didn't want to die slowly from massive internal injuries as a result of ramming her motorcycle into another wreck at high speeds.

There were more fresh tracks, from both a motorcycle and the older tracks of a car. At one place along the turn, it was clear that a vehicle had been pushed over the side. She kept away from the edge though. Even though it made no sense, she had feel increasing less safe the farther west she traveled. It was as if she could sense something wrong with the land itself. It wasn't quite yet the dark man's territory, but she could feel his power much more strongly. She had a feeling that if she got too close to the edge, the earth might magically crumble away, taking her to her death.

There were even more cars thrown about, and she could see that the road was blocked for the next several miles. There was a fancy looking roadster parked in the only clear space and the fresh tracks led right to it. More importantly, there was a motorcycle lying on its side. A fairly new looking motorcycle with fresh footprints next to it in the muddy ground.

She stopped her bike and parked it. " Doug? Doug, are you here?" She knew he was. Some how, she knew he hadn't gone any farther. She shivered despite her leather jacket. It wasn't so much cold as it simply felt wrong. She hadn't liked the eerie feeling she had all day traveling west and now it seemed to be replaced by a cold, evil sensation. Suddenly, she heard the sound of glass breaking. She spun around, feeling so terrified, her breath was caught in her chest.

" Lucy! Jesus Christ!" Doug popped up from behind one of the abandoned cars, a bottle in his hand. Lucy didn't answer him, she was still shaking. She was startled, that was a fact. Doug's look of surprise was quickly replaced by one of concern. He stepped over towards her, and tentatively put his hand on her shoulder. He was obviously trying hard to not touch her, and despite herself, she felt a wave of appreciation. " Lucy, what the hell are you doing here?" 

She regained her senses. " Doug, what are you doing here? You don't belong here." His features took on an angry caste. " Lucy, you don't belong here." He took a deep breath, and let it out. An air of defeat hung around him. " Kerry put you up to this. That manipulative bitch."

She felt a flash of anger. " No one forced me out here." That was the truth and she managed to glare at Doug, despite her fright. 

Doug returned the glare, but after a moment he chuckled, and waved expansively around the vast line of cars. " Well, at least you weren't killed getting here." He held out his bottle of scotch to her. " Welcome to the dark side."

Author's note - For those who have read the Stand, yes, this is the place where the Kid met his end, I have no idea exactly where the Eisenhower tunnel actually is. Please forgive any and all geographical errors.


	38. Chapter 38

It was getting cold. Doug rubbed his hands together and blew on them to keep warm. There was a brisk edge to the wind and he knew what that meant. It wasn't just the night or the wind or even the higher altitude... Winter was coming. It was going to get colder and start snowing and he was never going to get to Las Vegas before the snow tied everything down.

It didn't help that he had to take Lucy back. He looked at her sleeping form, lying next to him curled in her sleeping bag. There was no way he could, in good conscience, leave her there. He sure wasn't about to let her tag along with him. I have to head back, he though irritably, at least until I run into the rescue party. That there was a rescue party was simply a given. As soon as he had spotted Lucy, he had realized that there was a search party out there. Not only was Kerry a manipulative bitch, she was devious too. Send anyone else chasing after him, and no one would give a damn. Sending Lucy though... He almost smiled. He carefully wrapped his own sleeping bag around her, noting as he did that she had huge dark circles rimming her eyes. He hadn't seen anyone look that tired since he and Carol had gone to Mark's apartment with their arms loaded with next to useless medical supplies.

Mark hadn't just been tired, he had been out of his mind with worry for Rachel. Doug had taken one look at the little girl lying on her bed, shivering and coughing , and he had known she wasn't going to make it. Deep down, he had a feeling that Mark had known too, but that hadn't stopped the man from spending the next three days doing everything he could to save her. It hadn't helped, not at all. Doug had barely been able to think about Mark, and Rachel, and especially Carol since the summer started. Not for very long, and not without reaching for a bottle. Now though, with the better part of a fifth of scotch warming him, he realized that the memories weren't going to go away.

It had been oppressively hot in Mark's apartment. The power had gone off within hours of their arrival, and Mark had been too worried to take care of anything other than Rachel. He had died within hours of the little girl. By the time it happened, Doug had expected it, but he had been in a near frenzy over Carol. Carol had been sick, as sick as Mark if not worse, but she had lingered on for several more days. She had been coherent and awake until the end, not like Mark who had lapsed into a peaceful coma. Oddly though, as he looked out over the vast line of wrecked and stalled, feeling drunk and depressed beyond belief, it wasn't Carol that haunted his thoughts.

It was Mark. There were times, times not so long ago, that Doug had considered Mark to be the only stable force in his life. Oh certainly there were people who were pretty consistent about their behavior. Even now, Kerry could be counted on to be the female version of an officious prick. Peter Benton had always consistently been a smug bastard. Mark though, was always there to tell him what to do. Or even better, what not to do. He felt rudderless now, as though he had been cast off into the sea and was now nothing more than a piece of driftwood.

How would Mark have handled this mess, he wondered. Better than me, that was for certain. The fact that Mark probably wouldn't have wanted to live without his daughter, or in a post plague world, rose up in Doug's thoughts, but he forced the notion away. Mark would have stopped tolerating the drinking back in Chicago. Mark wouldn't have let the situation with Kerry escalate to the point of a suicide attempt. Mark certainly wouldn't have tolerated Kerry inducing Lucy to chase after him. Then again, he thought, Mark wouldn't exactly have approved of my taking off to begin with. Mark would have stopped him. Mark would have talked to him in that grim, serious way that Mark had. Likely it would have been full of soft spoken advise about what Carol would have wanted. If it had come from Mark, he was starting to think he might have listened. If Mark had said, " Don't go," he wouldn't have gone. But it had Kerry, and he had been angry. Angry enough, despite everything that happened afterward, to not give her the satisfaction. It had been easier to leave, even though he had regretted it the second he walked off the porch.

He didn't want to be there, on a ruined highway, surrounded by the corpses of what was now a dead civilization. He wanted to head back. Part of him was so touched by Lucy and her earnest, dogged attempts to turn him around all evening, he had wanted to just grab her and start walking back. He was too embarrassed to act on it.

All day, as he went farther and farther west, he had felt increasingly bad about his decision. The wrecked cars had slowed him down, but he hadn't stopped until he'd found the tricked out roadster. The dead man inside was disturbing, from his sequined leather jacket to what remained of his Elvis like pompadour. Of course, the really disturbing thing was the dead wolf in the man's arms. There were paw prints all around the car. It was as if a pack of wolves had waited for the man to get thirsty and desperate. It was creepy and the more he had thought about it, the worse he felt. The wolves had waited for the man. While he wasn't an avid watcher of Animal Planet, he knew that was unusual behavior. It was unnatural behavior and he shuddered to think about what the man had done to warrant such a punishment. That it was a punishment, he had no doubt. The fact that there was beer cans and liquor bottles was something he took as a very bad sign. But isn't this what you wanted, a voice in his head chimed, a voice that was suspiciously Mark-like in tone, didn't you expect this? You planned on dying. Did you think it was going to be neat and clean? After everything?

I don't know what to do, he thought as he slowly got up, leaving behind the bottle he had been nursing all through out the night. He found himself standing on the grassy median, looking up at the sparkling stars, wondering what it was that he was supposed to do. He didn't know what to do anymore, and he was tired of hiding from it. He drank to hide from the plague, he drank to hide from everyone's problems, he drank to hide from the guilt he felt over surviving when Mark and Carol died. He drank to hide from the fact that Carol was gone and he would never hold her again. He drank to hide from his life, and he wasn't sure he could stop drinking. If he went back, to Carter's house, he had to stop drinking. He knew that would be required, and he wasn't sure he could do it. It he went west, he would eventually be killed. That was something he was sure of also. Certainly they needed a doctor on that side, but his dreams told him that his drinking would not be tolerated. Plus, there was the fact that he simply had to take Lucy back, at least to the nearest rescue party. He knew why Kerry had sent her, and it was, he had to admit, a masterful plan. Not only did it force the others out to search for him, it forced him to turn back with the face saving excuse that he couldn't leave Lucy standing by the roadside alone. He sighed heavily. Face saving excuse or not, going back meant admitting he had a problem.

" Doug?" He spun around at the sound of Lucy's voice. She was sitting up, rubbing her eyes, generally looking like someone that had just awakened from a fairly bad dream. How she could have a good dream in their present surroundings, he didn't know. His own sleep had been fitful at best. She blinked, and then eyed him carefully. " Doug, what are you doing up? Its two in the morning."

" I couldn't sleep," he admitted. " So I decided to have a drink." She got up, and shook off the various sleeping bags and blankets. "Is that why you drink?"

" Lucy, its two in the morning. I'm really not up for a temperance lecture." He meant to say it forcefully, to shy her off the subject but instead he sounded like he was pleading. She seemed to sense his uneasiness. She walked over to him and stopped when she was right beside him. " That's not what I meant," she said softly. " I'm not saying don't drink. I'm asking why you drink. Are you drinking, right now, because you miss Carol? Or because you can't sleep?"

In the bright moonlight, he could see her brow furrow with concern. Despite the despair he felt, and the fact that her question was intriguing, he was almost moved to laughter at her expression. She looked so worried and concerned, and at the same time, she looked like nothing more than a troubled teenager. He wondered suddenly, if she had been carded a lot going into bars. It was hard to see her as an adult even though he knew she was at least twenty four. She was just so young looking. Even after everything that happened, she still had that youthful enthusiasm and hope. It made him feel ashamed, ashamed because he realized in an instant that he was not drinking because he missed Carol. He drank to numb his feelings, yes, but he mostly drank so he didn't have to think at all. He was hiding from life, and not the fact that Carol was dead. And he didn't want to talk about it at two in the morning in such a creepy place. " Lucy, I'm not in the mood to talk."

She straightened herself up, as if trying to make herself look bigger. " Fine. Maybe you're in the mood to listen. I know you've already gotten the lecture on how this isn't what Carol would have wanted. I'm not going to do it again. I don't care what Carol would have wanted. She's dead. She doesn't get a vote anymore. I want you to turn around. I don't care if you don't go back to Carter's place, or if you don't go to Boulder. You don't belong out west. You are too good of a person to do that. They'll know you aren't really one of them. Do you really want to die, Doug? There's quicker ways than this."

He spun around to face her, his temper suddenly flaring into life. " How would you know anything about it? You don't know me, Lucy. You don't know the things I've done in my life. Did it ever occur to you that I deserve it? That I'm not a very nice person when it come right down to it?"

She crossed her arms. " I didn't say you were a nice person Doug. You can be one self righteous bastard when you think you're right, and you've got a nasty mean streak that you hide with humor but you aren't evil. I know you took care of Carol and Mark, even though you knew they were going to die. I know why you went looking for Kerry that day, and it wasn't that you wanted to make more fun of her. You were worried about her. And I know why you walked into that camp looking for me. It wasn't just because you were suicidal. You cared about what happened to me, to the point that you risked your life. You are a good person. I don't know why you can't see it."

It stopped his protest cold. He didn't know what to say, because he had never really thought about it. Finally he said, at almost a whisper, " I don't feel like a good person." In an odd way, it felt good to admit it, like a weight coming off his shoulders.

Lucy smiled, though he thought he saw tears welling up in her eyes. She tentatively placed her arm around his waist. " Doug, you are a good person, and this is not a place for either of us. Let's leave. Right now. You can ride double behind me." It wasn't a fix to everything that felt broken inside of him, he knew that. It didn't really change any of the problems he had. Yet, the relief he felt in his heart was so enormous, he almost wanted to cry. Instead, he found himself nodding along. " Ok... but only because I know there's a search party out there." She laughed. " Yeah, as if I didn't know that was part of the master plan to send me. Come on, let's just leave everything here and go."


	39. Chapter 39

It was cold. Not unbearable but he could feel it despite the fire he had started and the heavy down jacket he had picked up. It was four in the morning, and he had tossed and turned all night. He had given up two hours earlier and restarted the fire, hoping that, and a paperback book would calm him down. It hadn't but he was still trying. After a long moment of staring at the words, Luka set the book down with a sigh of regret.

He wanted to lose himself in some pleasant fictional fantasy for a while. There had been no time for pleasure reading at all since the summer began and he missed it. He also missed being able to sleep. Even with Jeanie beside him, there were nights where his dreams were simply too much to handle. It had been getting better, he allowed. As they had entered Colorado, some of the urgency he felt had faded, but that didn't make bad dreams about the dark man's empire easier to face as he was farther west than he had ever planned, and alone, camped along a deserted highway.

It hadn't been his idea to split up. Carter had wanted to check a different route altogether, and Dave was of the opinion that it was a safer bet to assume that Doug was off in a nearby liquor store drowning his sorrows. The younger men had good ideas, and at the time they had seemed as likely as his own thought that Doug would make a straight run west. He thought, based on what he knew about the man, that underneath his blustering angry drunken exterior, Doug was simply depressed. Carol was not his wife, but really, marriage was the legitimization of the feelings of two people. They didn't have to be married for Doug to be depressed. In fact he suspected the fact that they hadn't been married made it worse for Doug. That he had loved Carol, Luka had no doubt, and that fact that Doug was ruled by survivor's guilt was also clear.

Luka felt more than a little sympathy for the man. It could be justified all they wanted, but their group had made precious little effort to help Doug. That Doug wasn't ready to listen wasn't the point. The man had been suffering. Granted. no one was having a fun time that summer, but Doug's pain was obvious. The drinking was obvious, even to him, and he was not one of Doug's long time associates. It wasn't like the issues with Kerry, not at all. She had been, and probably still was, hiding and masking a lot of emotional pain. Outwardly, it was hard to tell if there was anything going on under the stern exterior. Doug was different. It had been clear from the day he'd met Doug that the man was suffering and they had done nothing but turn a blind eye to it. He had done nothing, even though it had bothered him immensely. The sad truth was, until he had left the house that morning, and really not until night had fallen after a fruitless day of searching, he had been nothing but angry and annoyed. Annoyed that Doug had run off and angry that he had to go looking for him. It had taken a day long trek west to make him start to see Doug in a sympathetic light. It was no wonder that Doug had left, really. They had all been far too wrapped up in their own personal misery to see his suffering and the second that misery was alleviated, they had attacked him.

Of course, Doug wasn't blameless. He was drinking. He was wallowing in misery and making next to no effort to help himself and he did make the choice to head west all on his own.

There had been a huge argument that morning, not made any easier by the presence of hot food. Luka wasn't ashamed to admit that he had been very angry. Angry with Doug, but mostly angry with Kerry and she had not had any defenders. Luka was appalled that she had sent Lucy. Lucy wasn't seriously injured and they had her riding in the truck with Kerry more out of convenience than concern for her physical state, but she was just a girl. Luka had shouted that very fact at Kerry, and she had merely eyed him coolly, listening but clearly not caring what his opinion was. He had almost struck her. It had been so close, he had actually raised his hand. It was a sharp, threatening look from Dave that had stopped him.

They weren't at agreement on what to do. He had wanted all of them to start looking. Randi had stood up against his plan, a huge surprise. She was of the opinion that if Doug wanted to head west, that was his right, and if Lucy wanted to run after him in some sort of lame attempt to stop him, then that was her right. " We don't have the right to make their decisions for them," Randi had said, and rather vehemently at that. Judging by Carter, Dave, and Jeanie's nods, they approved of that viewpoint.

It had been decided to make a day long attempt to find them. Randi and Jeanie would search the nearest town, and Kerry and Dave would take the truck and search the next closest. He and Carter would check the roadways. He had taken Jeanie aside as soon as the meeting had split up, to explain that he had no intention of just turning around when the sun started setting. There was no way he was heading back until he had at least seen and spoken to Lucy. Or, at least until he'd found enough evidence to know that there was no way to catch them.

He had kept traveling for a few hours after sunset, hoping to make up some of the time he had lost, but as the highway became increasingly filled with stalled, wrecked cars, he had pulled off the road for the night. It had been a long night. His nightmares had returned in full force and a very large part of him wanted to turn around. It was hard to resist the urge.

He added more wood to the fire. The moon was just a mere sliver in the sky, and he had never seen the stars shine so brilliantly. It was beautiful and yet he felt nothing but a cold chill deep inside his soul. It was like the feeling he had moments before the bodies of his wife and children were pulled from the mass grave of slaughtered victims. There was something wrong. What exactly, he didn't know, but he felt more than just a ping of fear.

There was a rustling noise. Luka looked up, his heart suddenly pounding. He heard a slow, rumbling growl. Suddenly he saw several red eyes glowing, just outside the range of the fire's light. Wolves, he thought with a shudder. He didn't have the American attitude toward wolves, the silly notion that they were merely wild dogs that had lost their hunting environment. No, he was from the old world, the world were wolves were vicious animals that could and would kill a child that lingered too long by themselves. He also came from the land that originated the tale of the werewolf. Wolves were not friendly creatures to him. To Luka, they had always been creatures that were faintly touched by evil.

He counted the red eyes. There were at least five of the animals, and probably more that he couldn't see. His rifle was inches away. He could grab it and open fire, but there was a chance he'd miss. Better to hold off, at least for the moment.

Their eyes glowed brightly. His fear grew. It wasn't natural for them to wait. It was almost as if they were waiting, but for what, he didn't know. His hand inched towards the rifle, even as the icy cold of the night seemed to enter every cell of his body.

" Oh no need to be afraid." Luka jumped at the sound. He struggled not to look as he knew instinctively that there was no real person there. Whatever was controlling the wolves was there, but he knew there was no physical presence there. It was a test, and it made him angry.

The voice chuckled. " I'm not testing you, Luka. I don't test people. I just make offers. Its the other side that gets its jollies with tests. I imagine your wife and children died during just such a test. I don't work that way."

" No, " Luka said softly, his breath showing a fine mist in the freezing air. " Your way is to surround me with wolves and then make an offer." Flagg was a demon, and Luka had gone to enough church to know that demons didn't tell the truth.

" The wolves? They're just pets. Fellow travelers." In an instant, the red eyes disappeared and the cold intensified. " I made a mistake. I can admit that. I miscalculated. I needed a doctor for my budding community, and I made an offer to someone that wasn't worthy. Wasted my time all summer and she wasn't even tough enough to take herself out of the picture. A rather unfortunate waste of my time. You, however, don't seem to be quite so foolish. You're already on your way."

" I'm looking for people, not heading west." Luka said it forcefully. Inside, he was feeling a cold rush of terror. They had discussed Flagg, and the strange way they seemed to be pulled to one side or another, but he had never thought he'd find himself in the position of questioning it. He had lost his faith a long time ago, and yet he found himself silently praying.

" Come now Luka, prayer is nothing, and you're on a fools errand. Doug Ross choked to death on his own vomit about four hours ago. Pity really. Of course he was an utter drunk but he would have filled the void until you were able to step up. He would have been a bad example though. And your poor little medical student, what was her name? Lucy? The silly girl ran her motorcycle off of a cliff a few miles up the road. Also a pity but frankly, Ms. Knight is the sort that is doomed to a tragic end, whatever dimension and time she resides in."

Its not true. The words rang in his mind, not because the words were so shocking, but because for the first time in eight years, he heard the voice of his long dead wife. Her words were like a thunderclap. He's lying, she said in her soft direct way, you must have faith my love.

He rose to his feet. " No. I don't believe you and I don't want your offer." He could feel the evil enclosing all around him, and he grasped at the last straw he had, a straw placed into his hands by a specter from the past. " The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." As the words rose from his throat in the language he had first learned them, the night air grew warmer and the sensation of an evil presence left. He finished the prayer and looked up into the sky, startled to see a bright ribbon of red and blue streaks glittering across the sky. He watched in awe, knowing intellectually it was the Northern Lights which he had never seen before, but sensing deep within his soul that it was something more.

After a long moment, the sound of a motorcycle reached his ears. He turned and found himself caught in its headlights much like a deer.

" See?" Doug said from his seat behind Lucy, " I knew she'd send a rescue party. I hope you don't need a lift."

" Riding three people on one bike must be some sort of safety violation." Lucy added. Luka couldn't help it, he started to laugh. He felt wonderful and for the first time in a long time, it felt good to be alive.


	40. Chapter 40

It was way too early to be awake, Dave thought irritably as he threw back his covers and got out of bed. It was only five in the morning. It wasn't even really sunrise yet. It was that pre- dawn time, just before the sun started to rise. He liked it, in a way. God knows it wasn't like he got to see that time of the day all that often in the past, but that summer he had discovered within himself a real appreciation for the quiet time just before the morning began. Maybe I could make some coffee, he thought cheerily as he dressed, and snag some of those muffins from yesterday.

He was worn out from the day before. He had spent all day and most of the evening checking out the nearby towns to see if Doug had holed himself up there. It was the right thing to do, to look, even though it was probably a task in futility. Doug was off to the west and it made him sad, but he was glad he was detailed with searching the closer towns. It wasn't like he really knew Doug anyway. It had been only five days since he met the man. It was hard to get worked up over someone he hardly knew.

No, he thought as he quietly walked down the stairwell, that's not true. It felt wrong. Doug, at first and second glance, certainly seemed like a candidate for Flagg's empire. Underneath it though, Dave sensed that Doug was merely flailing in deep water, not able to keep his head up. It made it doubly sad, since Doug's flaws were mostly bad choices, not an evil streak a mile wide. Dave had looked as hard as he could, hoping to prevent the older man from doing something stupid. He hoped Carter and Luka had better luck, and that was the truth.

There was already coffee waiting in the old fashioned percolator. He was surprised but only slightly surprised. Randi was probably fast asleep, but it wouldn't surprise him if Jeanie or Kerry were up and about. Jeanie was worried about Luka. She hadn't wanted him to go at all, he had seen that in her eyes. She understood, of course, but that didn't make it easier. Kerry was worried too, but about who exactly he was sure. He knew she was worried about Doug and Lucy, but he also sensed an uneasy fear on her part. About what, he didn't know. Sometimes he wasn't sure that he wanted to know. In a lot of ways he knew this group of people far too well already and a part of him kept expecting the live studio audience of their lives to start hooting " Jerry! Jerry!"

He chuckled to himself as he poured his cup of coffee. Its not quite that bad, he decided. There's just too many troubles souls in the group. They need to liven up. He walked out of the kitchen, already starting to plot what he needed to do to bring a few smiles to the faces of his compatriots. No snakes popping out of cans of nuts, he thought as he opened the french doors leading to the porch, everyone has bad nerves. I don't want to get shot again.

" Dave, you're up. You're up really early." Kerry waved him over to the wicker table she was sitting at. I was right, he thought as he spied the cup of coffee in her hands and the dark circles under her eyes, I don't think she even went to bed.

" You don't look like you even went to bed, chief." He didn't mean it in a bad way, but he saw a tell tale sparkle of anger flash in her eyes. He didn't let that stop him from smiling though. He hadn't spent all summer watching her every move, analyzing her habits for clues to an impending breakdown, so he didn't deserve her wrath and had no intention of putting up with it.

After a moment, her anger faded. She shrugged, and sipped her coffee. " I couldn't sleep. I was worried. Despite what you all think, I wasn't trying to get Lucy killed. I happen to like Lucy. And for the record, I like Doug enough to not be ok with letting him destroy himself."

" You love him," Dave said. He held up his hand, cutting off her startled protest. " I don't mean you want to marry him or anything like that. Its just... You two have a really warped relationship. You both have a lot invested in being nasty to each other but when the chips are down, you would jump to each other's defense. Do you know Doug almost shot me that night we first met? He was going to kill me... because he thought I was hurting you. People don't act that way over people they don't care about." Dave almost smirked at the end of his analysis. He was right, he knew that, right down to the fact that it would never go any farther than it had the night before. He wondered if Kerry realized that his bedroom was directly over the porch and that he hadn't been able to sleep the night before. Certainly, somebody had done the wild thing on the porch last night, and Dave didn't think Carter and Randi had devised some weird fantasy where they called each other " Doug " and " Kerry ".

The important thing was that he thought he knew what it was. A physical thing that happened between two friends, not destined to be repeated, not even something they could speak comfortably about without giving up their long standing cherished "hatred". They enjoyed their dislike. It was immature, it was the equivalent of two little toddlers pulling each other's hair in a desperate attempt to prove how much they disliked each other, but all the while secretly wanting the other as a friend. There was nothing to be threatened with there. In fact, he had told himself, there was no way they could be together on a full time basis. They had too much invested in standing at opposite ends.

Kerry eyed him. She was clearly pondering his words. He thought it was funny that someone who seemed so together didn't seem to have enough self awareness to see why she was acting the way she was. Finally she said, " I suppose, in a way, you might be right. In maybe a brother/sister way. We get a little too angry with each other for anything more. But that's not why I sent Lucy after him. I would have done that if any one of you had taken off like that. It just happened to be Doug this time. I don't think I could live with myself if one of you was that upset and made such a bad decision and I didn't try to stop it. And trust me, I'm worried about Lucy and I care about Lucy but I think everyone has been assuming that she's completely incapable. I don't think its the case and I don't want her thinking that." Despite her forceful words, Dave caught her underlying worry. Kerry was going to feel very guilty indeed if anything did happen to Lucy.

As it happened, he agreed with Kerry on a few points. He believed that it didn't matter who had left. If she had been able, Kerry would have gone after Doug herself, and she would have done the same for any of them. He also didn't think that Lucy was completely incapable of being by herself. Lucy was a rational person. If nothing else, her experience with the bikers was just going to make her a lot more suspicious of strangers. That wasn't a bad thing. " She'll be fine. So will Doug." As he said it, he knew it was true. There was something coming, he could feel that, but he had no doubt suddenly that everyone was, at that moment, just fine. He didn't know how he knew, but he did, and he trusted the feeling.

Kerry sipped her coffee again. She felt it too, he realized, but she didn't trust the feeling and it was eating her up with worry. " I'm really more worried about Carter and Luka," she said after a moment. She smiled slightly. " I think Jeanie and Randi will kill me if anything happens to them."

And that thought wasn't very far from the truth, Dave realized. Jeanie had been pretty pissed off about Luka going and he knew more than a few harsh words had been exchanged between Kerry and Jeanie. It was made worse by the fact that Jeanie had started coughing and sniffling that evening. He felt bad for her. The drug cocktail was going to lose potency over time. She was going to die in a slow painful fashion and she knew it. He was surprised at how cheerful she generally was.

Randi was a different story. She wasn't pissed at Kerry, no. She was pissed at Carter for running off on a fool's errand. She had actually called it a fool's errand. In a lot of ways, it disappointed Dave to know that she was quite thoroughly attached to Carter, because she intrigued him on a number of levels, and they had a common background. In a different situation, a different world, he would have made some moves on her. He had a few too many scruples for that though, and he was worried about a number of things. Getting to Boulder was one of them. It was the third of September, in a place known for early snow storms. There was a chance, a good chance, that they might get snowed in for the winter and he didn't need to add to the potential cabin fever by horning in.

Finally he said, " I think they'll get over it. I'm sure Carter and Luka are both fine. You know, chief, you worry too much. You're going to give yourself a heart attack if you don't let go of some of the stress. " Again, she started glaring at him as if it was none of his business but for once he decided to stand his ground. She was a burbling mass of repressed emotions and even a self admitted insensitive clod like himself could see it. " It's not like we have any rat race to worry about now. Kick back and enjoy the ride. It's not healthy being so tense."

After a moment, her angry look faded. No doubt she realized his words weren't some sort of slam on her mental status. Even Jeanie had taken a few shots the day before, very uncharacteristic for the young black woman. He suspected Kerry was feeling more than a little sensitive and it wasn't going to be long before someone's well aimed barb was hurled back at them at light speed. He just wanted to prevent it, or at least not be the poor sucker directly in the line of fire. Kerry looked into her cup, obviously thinking hard. " You know, " she said after a long moment, " I miss having things to do. I was thinking about it all night. I had things to do all of the time. I didn't have time to do anything but work and I liked it because I didn't have to think. Now... it seems like the only activity I have." She sighed. " I have too much to think about."

" You need a hobby." Dave said. " Aside from cooking and killing things." He smirked at her. Not only did she need a hobby, she needed to lighten up. " We'll go into town today and get you some yarn and knitting needles. I need mittens and maybe a matching scarf."

She rolled her eyes. " I don't think so."

" Hey, I know how to knit. " That got her to smile, so he considered it a win. " My mother taught me to knit. You shouldn't knock it. It's very relaxing. Seriously though, you can find something to do other than get yourself depressed. You're right that we have a lot of time on our hands. Maybe you should try something new. You've got plenty of time and we certainly don't have to pay for anything. I was thinking of trying one of those big ship models with all the riggings and sails. You know, the kind that costs like five hundred dollars." He leaned back in his chair. " I know this sounds kind of bad, but it's kind of nice to be able to have stuff. I wasn't exactly raised in Carter style opulence."

" Well, join the club." She sipped her coffee again. " I lived on those cheap packages of noodles for years. You know, the plus side to this whole plague business is that I'm no longer over one hundred thousand dollars in debt. Tell me, just how much does a medical degree from the University of Grenada cost? A handful of shiny beads? Some American pornography?"

" I paid in sexual favors." Dave grinned.

Kerry grinned back. " It's not every man that is secure enough with themselves to admit to getting through school on their knees."

" I was the favorite of all the female professors." They both started laughing at the same moment.


	41. Chapter 41

Carter was very careful to be quiet as he walked into the bedroom. Randi was asleep and he didn't want to wake her. Granted, the sun was coming up, but it was six in the morning, and he had no idea when she had gone to bed the night before. At least the house is warm, he thought as he struggled out of his cold clothes. And I have a nice warm bed to crawl into, he thought with a small smile.

He hadn't found any sign of Doug. He had spent the entire day looking and a good portion of the evening. He had tried to sleep but his dreams had been very bad. He had started back around two in the morning. The trip had been a lot faster since he wasn't looking, but it had made him feel bad. Doug was a bit of a jerk and it still made Carter mad that Doug had taken advantage of Harper, but that was in the past. The odds were against Harper even being alive so it seemed petty to hold onto his anger. Besides, it wasn't like Harper was the true love of his life.

He looked down at the woman sleeping on the bed. Randi was lying on her side, her long dark hair spilled out across the pillows. I love Randi. The thought shocked him at first, but as he let it roll around in his head, it simply felt right. He was in love. He was in love with Randi Fronzac. It made him feel suddenly warm, despite the bone deep chill in his bones. Suddenly all he wanted was to be next to her.

He slid into bed and put his arms around her. She stirred but he could tell she was only half awake. " Did you find anything?" she asked sleepily.

He held her close, letting her warm body take away some of the cold. " I didn't. Maybe Luka will have better luck." He had a feeling Luka had picked up the right track, and as of late he had started to trust those feelings more and more. Human beings weren't separated from animals by more than ten percent of their genetic makeup and instinct still had a place in the world. More so now that all of the technical toys that killed instinct were gone. As he had wandered around, trying to track Doug, he had found himself feeling oddly in tune with the world. At one point he watched as a deer and its two fawns grazed on some boxes of cereal that were lying in the street, and he had been able to within ten feet of the peaceful animals. In the time before, such a move would have been impossible for John Truman Carter, SuperKlutz.

I've changed, he thought as he curled around Randi, and its not all bad. He had worried, worried incessantly early on, that he was close to snapping. That time in the car dealership, where Jeanie had been attacked, he had almost killed the man. It hadn't been until almost a day later that he had really thought about what he had wanted to do and it had made him feel awful. It had felt as though all he needed was a crisis and he would revert to violence. Now though, not only was he starting to see just how badly he had been in shock, he was also understanding that people didn't handle things the same. He had been overloaded with concern and the very notion that some outsider to his small group would dare even think of attacking one of them had set off his rage. It was instinct, pure and simple. Instinct that had it's up and down side. It was instinct that had led them to Colorado, instinct and perhaps some higher power. Maybe, he thought sleepily, without electricity and everything that comes with it, we simply see more. Maybe we are more.

Randi stirred in his arms. He held her, breathing in her scent. Randi always smelled faintly of Ivory Soap, but overlying that was a gentle, tangy citrus scent. Oranges, he mused, or maybe grapefruit. That morning, he had seen the Northern Lights for the first time ever. Light pollution from the teeming masses had always hidden the sky. Maybe people pollution kept me from seeing Randi, he thought. He had known Randi for years, and yet he had never really seen her. She had been in the background, like another piece of furniture littered around the admit area, noticed only when he needed her services. It made him feel bad, to realize that yes, he had been that shallow. He hadn't bothered to get to know Randi because until the plague, there had been no reason to. He rarely bothered to learn the names of the non-medical staffers since they rarely stayed long. He had simply not seen the need in knowing Randi. She "wasn't the right sort" as his father often said. The right sort was typically some debutante or daughter of some wealthy scion of Chicago society. No, his father would not have liked Randi at all.

Gamma would have liked Randi though. He smiled at the thought. Underneath her harsh exterior, Gamma had a core of common sense and humor that had surprised him when he was old enough to see her as more than just family. Gamma would have taken one look at Randi, and nod with approval. She'll clean up well, the older woman would have said. Then she would have put herself to the task of making Randi presentable to the rest of the family. He chuckled to himself.

" What's so funny?" Randi asked. Her words were slurred with sleep.

" My grandmother would have liked you." He could feel her body shake with laughter. " Its really not that funny," he said softly. " I was just thinking that Gamma was a lot like you. Practical and classy."

" Hmmm I remind you of your grandmother. I feel so sexy now." Her body untensed in his arms. " Your family would have thrown a fit if you had brought me home."

" True," he admitted. " But Gamma would have defended us. " He hesitated. It didn't feel like the right time but he wanted to say it. " Randi, I love you. You know that, don't you?"

" Mmmh hhhmmm" she murmured.

He decided to move forward. He felt awkward but it seemed like as good of a time as any. " I mean... I love you. I want to be with you forever. I know we're not exactly...in a position to formalize our relationship, but I want to get you a ring. Would you like a ring? A diamond ring? Like an engagement ring?"

" Mmmmmm"

" It doesn't have to be a diamond. I think you'd look lovely with sapphires."

" Hmmm mmm"

His eyes narrowed. " Randi, I want you to get a gerbil, shave it, and then insert it in my prostate for my sexual pleasure, ok?"

" Mmmmmm"

" Randi, I think there's pancakes downstairs."

" Mmmmm pancakes..." Then she giggled. He knew better than to pursue it. Randi's dreams, when she had good dreams, were generally filled with laughter. I'll get her a ring as a surprise then, he decided as he fell further into sleep. Maybe diamonds and sapphires. And hopefully Doug, Luka, and Lucy will be back today.


	42. Chapter 42

The morning air was brisk. Jeanie shivered as she stepped out onto the porch. It was almost eleven and the air still felt frosty. She didn't like it. She wasn't one for cold weather to begin with. Her family had lived in Mississippi for over six generations, and warm weather was bred into her bones. Chicago, with its searing hot summers and ice cold winters had been bad enough. Colorado was already promising to be much worse. At least in Illinois, she thought, winter waited until the second week of September to start. She didn't like the look of the clouds that were forming in the west. It was still warm enough that a storm meant more rain, and not snow, but that didn't make her happy. Rain would make the roads sloppy and she was already worried. 

She coughed into her hand and then hugged her flannel shirt around her chest. She didn't feel well. Her only hope was that it was simply a cold and not the weird bug that had been following them. Granted, she didn't feel horrific and she knew it would be a year at least before the drugs she had to take would lose their effectiveness, but it worried her just the same. During the last few go-arounds, both Lucy and Kerry had been very sick. Jeanie was willing to pass of some of their symptoms off as the result of nerves and exhaustion, particularly Kerry, but people didn't get high fevers from stress. Let's hope the aspirin works, she thought.

The last thing she wanted was to be really sick. It was still some distance to Boulder and she knew that they needed to get there soon if they were going to make it before winter fell across the country. If she was sick, they would stop. If that happened in a less than hospitable place, they would be in trouble. There was, in Boulder, the relative safety of other people, and she craved that. She thought there were people there anyway. The dreams had told her that much, but she craved knowing more. She wanted to see the people and see what they were trying to build and maybe even roll up her sleeves and start rebuilding too. She knew that as soon as they got to Boulder, her companions would be running off to the closest suitable hospitable with plans to reopen it. It was a good thought, and likely a facility that was needed but the truth was, she wanted no part of it. She felt suddenly open to the possibilities, that she was more than just an overeducated paramedic or undereducated nurse. She'd had her fill of medical work in the early summer and if she never saw the interior of a hospital again, she would be ok with it. She didn't begrudge the others their quiet dreams of resuming their work as healers of the sick. She simply didn't share it. She never wanted to set foot in a hospital again. There has to be work for someone like me, she thought. Maybe I could be a teacher. The plague didn't age discriminate, there had to be a few children alive and they would certainly need a good teacher to see them through. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would never have children. It would be irresponsible at best and worse now. A child would be HIV positive and not likely to live very long. She couldn't bring herself to do it.

Besides, not only would that put any child at risk, it would also put her partner at risk. She wanted children but not that badly. Maybe Carter and Randi will have some, she thought with a smile, and I can be the kindly aunt that spoils them rotten. The couple was certainly very active in their attempts to procreate.

" Jeanie? You should come inside. It's cold out, and its getting dark." That was Kerry, standing in the doorway, looking hesitant and irritated all at the same time. Hesitant no doubt because of the verbal tongue lashing she'd received that day and yesterday. Irritated probably because she was right about how cold it was and knew full well that the only reason Jeanie didn't come inside was because Kerry was suggesting it.

And that was just stupid, she chided herself. It was getting cold, and it was starting to get dark, and she was getting sick. Catching pneumonia out of spite was probably not her best available choice. She was starting to feel bad anyway. " I'll be right in. Did you make dinner?"

Kerry stepped out onto the porch, her crutch making a gentle thump on the wooden boards. " Carter is making dinner. I was under the impression no one was particularly interested in having me cook. "

Jeanie laughed. " That will change. Carter can't even heat up Campbell's soup with doing something horrible to it." 

" And guess what we're having today? I watched him open the cans... It was pretty scary," Kerry scoffed. " The real irony I suppose is that he's probably the most highly trained surgeon left alive, and I don't feel comfortable letting him slice bread. Then again I'm probably the most highly trained emergent care physician left alive and I doubt you'd let me fix you a cup of coffee. "

Jeanie turned around, her anger flaring. She regretted how angry she had gotten the day before. She had gotten mad and had said a number of things she now regretted. A night alone, with nothing but her thoughts, had reminded her of a number of things. How lucky she had been was chief among her blessings. She had survived a terrible plague. She had found a man, a man who loved her despite some serious drawbacks. The summer had been long and hard but she hadn't been assaulted or raped. Her companions hadn't spent the summer undermining her self confidence at best, and taking cheap shots at her sanity at worst. It was fair and honest to say that Kerry had gone through a lot more. It was also fair to say that Kerry had been acting oddly enough that there was reason to worry about what was in the coffee. " Look, I was angry yesterday. I still don't agree with what you did, but I am sorry about what I said."

Kerry looked at her with surprise, obviously taken back by what Jeanie had said. " I was referring to how none of you like my coffee, but ok." She smiled wryly. " I'm sorry too. I should have at least gotten all of you up. I took it upon myself to do something because I was upset. I don't regret waking Lucy up and suggesting that she go after Doug, but I should done the same for the rest of you." She leaned up against the wooden pillar of the porch. " Sometimes I forget that I'm not alone. I should have included you all and I didn't and I'm sorry about that."

Jeanie let her anger go. She knew, better than others in their group, that it wasn't easy for Kerry to admit to that. In her heart, she knew that if Kerry had gotten them up when Doug left, the only real difference would have been that Luka would have left earlier. Lucy still would have gone, and Jeanie knew that the younger woman wasn't quite as helpless as her winsome expressions led everyone to believe. She had already decided that coddling Lucy was not going to help the girl. Sending her off by herself out into the mountains to chase after a drunk wasn't exactly Jeanie's idea of therapy, but it was probably better than watching her every move. God knows it hadn't worked out that well with Kerry.

" You've changed," she said finally. " I don't think I've ever heard you apologize."

Kerry shrugged. " Having a nervous breakdown changes your perspective on things. I don't recommend it but then again, I've gone quite mad. I imagine that makes my perspective just a little different."

Interesting, Jeanie thought. Kerry had always been a little rigid about herself. To hear her admit, even to a close friend, that she was having any sort of problem was a major concession. To hear her joke about it was just strange. " You shouldn't kid about that. Its not funny."

" After all the cracks everyone else has made, I think I'm allowed a few. Besides, its not as though I've been having such a jolly time this summer." Kerry's voice took on a slight edge. Jeanie suspected there would be more than just an edge if Kerry didn't look quite so tired. The older woman took a deep breath and then let it out. " I don't mean to sound curt, and I didn't come out here to argue with you. "

" I was just surprised. I know you haven't been very happy about some of the remarks." Jeanie didn't add that she knew just how little sense of humor Kerry had about her own failings. " I am sorry about how nasty I've been."

Kerry waved it off. " Don't be. I've been horrible to be around for months and I should have had a little more faith that everyone would do the right thing. I was wrong." She chuckled. " That's probably a first so you may want to note the time and date for Doug."

" That may give him too much ammunition." Jeanie said as she laughed. It felt good to laugh, just as it felt good to think that Doug and everyone else was fine. She was suddenly struck by the thought that she had known all along that they would be back soon. It made her feel better to accept it. She coughed into her hand.

" You know, you really should go inside." Kerry said. " You need to be careful. Its chilly out here and it looks like its going to rain." She gestured to the mountains off in the distance that were almost hidden by the building storm clouds. " I hope that's not as bad as it looks. This is a nice place but I don't think I want to spend all winter here."

Those words filled Jeanie with dread. She could feel goosebumps rising on her arms. It was as if Kerry's comment was really a pronouncement. Jeanie looked at the porch and the house and found herself wondering if Carter's family hunting lodge would be the last house she ever lived in. With sudden certainty, she knew it was. She shivered.

" You ok?" Kerry asked, concern in her voice.

She shook it off in an instant. " I'm fine. You're right, we should go inside." She tried to smile, but the unpleasant sense of foreboding stayed with her


	43. Chapter 43

Luka cursed as his motorcycle slid along the road. It had started raining not long after sunrise, a slushy almost snow like rain, and it had followed them the whole day. He was wet and cold, and the roads were terrible. It was obvious to him now why spending money on road upkeep was necessary. Just one summer of neglect had made the roads very difficult. There was mud and fallen leaves drifting across the road and the wet rain was collecting in puddles that were difficult to judge in depth. It made him nervous. It also worried him. With the weather turning the way it was, he had serious doubts that they could make the trip to Boulder. After this rain, he thought, the high passes might be filled with snow. With bikes they might make it, but it would be hard and it would take at least a week and a half. That assumed that the weather would be decent. The problems, as he saw it, were numerous. One, the weather wasn't going to hold. The high passes might already be filled with snow. Two, he believed Kerry when she said she couldn't ride a motorbike. She could ride behind someone, and she had done that for short rides to stores and such, but he'd also seen her discreetly grabbing for painkillers from the drug bag afterward. She could do it, he thought, but it would be hard and if he misjudged, she'd really be hurt and they would be stuck. The third problem was that Doug was going to need some time to dry out. He hadn't had anything to drink all day which was great, but he was irritable and complaining of headaches and it was going to get worse before it got better. He didn't think Doug had a physical addiction to alcohol, but he definitely had a psychological one. It would probably be months before Doug felt well. Luka didn't look forward to trying to travel with him.

The fourth reason and probably the one that Luka found most compelling was that he didn't think they were meant to reach Boulder before winter set it. They were not grand players in the game. Who those players were, and what exactly the game was, he didn't know. He was merely glad he wasn't going to be involved. Luka wasn't a coward, not by any means but he also didn't run to fights, and he sensed there was a fight coming.

We might not get to Boulder, he thought, at least not until spring. He wasn't happy about it, but he accepted it. He would have preferred the greater safety of numbers and organization. It would have been nice to drop the load he was carrying. He wanted to get to some organized stronghold and just relax for a little while. He smiled to himself. Be careful what you wish for, he thought ruefully. If we get stuck in Carter's place for the winter, there will be too much time to just relax. He didn't relish the notion of watching his companions suffer from cabin fever. It was probably too close to how they were acting already. He knew that his own reaction to being stuck in the same place for months on end with next to nothing to do was not likely to be good. Maybe I should try to push at least attempting to get to Boulder, he thought.

His bike skidded and he suddenly found himself struggling to keep his balance. Doug and Lucy, riding on the same bike, were having the same problem, worsened by the unsteady load. It was getting late in the day, but he didn't want to stop. They were very close to Carter's place but as much as he wanted to get there, he suspected they were going to have to pull off for the night. He was still considering that when his cycle slid once more and he went flying into the ground.

" He should be all right." Luka's eyes opened at the sound of Doug Ross's voice. He started to get up, but the rolling wave of sudden nausea forced him back down. So instead, he looked around the room he found himself in.

It was obviously a bedroom in a private home. He was on a bed, and carefully propped up on the bed with an assortment of pillows. There were some medical supplies on the nearby dresser, but nothing beyond a first aid nature, and the truth was, despite feeling sick to his stomach and a little overwhelmed by a headache, he felt fine. Sore and scraped up, but as he recalled flying over the handles of his motorcycle, that was to be expected. No wonder people harped on wearing helmets, he thought with a vague sense of amusement. Once again, I escape death through nothing more than sheer chance. He was the worst in their group for wearing the helmet, and he had only put it on that morning because it was cold. Just dumb luck.

" Are you sure?" he heard Lucy ask. She sounded a little tense and upset, not an unusual occurrence. Lucy was the sort to worry and she had been a medical student. She knew just enough to really let her imagination run wild.

" He's been unconscious for just over an hour." Doug's tone was one of mild concern. " He hit his head pretty hard. He's lucky its not worse. Now, if he doesn't wake up soon, then we have a problem." There was a long pause, and then a nervous chuckle. " Of course, there's nothing we can do if he doesn't wake up."

" We've had this discussion before." Lucy said dryly. " Remember? When Dr. Weaver was hurt." Yes, Luka thought, we have talked like this before. At least this time they aren't hysterical from exhaustion. The important thing though, was that he remembered just how worried he had been that time around. His concern hadn't abated until he had actually talked to Kerry and seen her not only conscious but coherent and obviously not brain damaged from an undetected subdural bleed. No doubt Lucy and Doug had similar fears. It was nice, in a way, to know that someone was worried about him. It also made him feel a little guilty. They were worried, and here he was, not fine but not exactly at death's door either. I should get up, he decided, at least for a few minutes and let them know I'm ok. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to find out where they were either. He knew they had to be close to Carter's place, frustratingly so, but it would be nice to know if they were looking at merely an hour ride or a day of travel.

He sat up again, taking it very slow. The room spun for a moment but then settled down. Ok, he thought as he set his feet onto the hard wood floor, where am I anyway? The room he was in didn't appear to be hospital orientated in any way and he knew they hadn't even come close to any on the trip out. This was obviously a private home. He could still hear the two of them talking but they had moved off and their voices had melded into an indistinct murmur. He stood up slowly and carefully left the small bedroom, finding himself in a wood paneled hallway. Definitely someone's home, he thought as he gazed at a series of photos that clearly depicted an elderly couple with dozens of grandchildren.

The floorboards creaked as he stepped upon them, but he made no effort to walk silently. There was no point in surprising Doug and Lucy, and he suspected that it really wouldn't take much to startle Lucy. He didn't feel up to dealing with a frightened Lucy. It didn't help. They simply went on with their low conversation. He followed the sound, confirming along the way that they seemed to be holed up in a large farmhouse. It was frustrating to be so close to their destination and yet be forced to stop. While he knew in his heart that they didn't need to be in Boulder, he wanted the security of other people. Other people meant having a safety net. Their safety net as a group of seven was pretty low. The addition of Dave Malucci was welcome but it only increased their survivability slightly. If they ran into any problem that required more people, say for example a violent attack by people who were less drunk and more intelligent than the people who grabbed Lucy, they would be in for a hard time. It worried him. It worried him a lot. He didn't even want to think about what might be happening back at Carter's place, or what could have happened to him if Doug and Lucy hadn't been there when he spilled.

It was clear that Lucy and Doug were in what he assumed was the kitchen. It was already starting to get dark and he could see the flickering flame of a kerosene lamp. The house wasn't built on an open plan so he wasn't surprised that they hadn't heard him. Their conversation became clear to him once again, and he listened to it for a moment.

" If it helps any, " Lucy said, " you aren't the only one who feels like a complete idiot. In case you missed it, they all watch me too. Evidently, they're waiting for me to collapse. Its bad enough that I feel horrible about being caught. "

"It could have been any one of us," Doug said after a moment. Luka was struck by how run down the other man sounded. " From what that Dave guy said, they weren't really all that choosy about victims."

" Its not the same." Lucy said sadly. " I know why Kerry never said anything about being raped. Everyone acts like I'm about to fall apart." Luka considered what she'd just said. Lucy seemed pretty fragile to him, but he could see where their concern was overboard. He had, for starters, gone chasing after her not because he thought she was incapable, not really. He had gone chasing after her because she had been raped. HE had somehow decided after the fact that it was time to protect her. And Kerry had been raped and never said a thing about it. Somehow he wasn't shocked by that little bit of omission, and was he really surprised by the fact at all? No, not after thinking about it for a moment. Rape didn't always leave visual evidence but he could remember examining Kerry and wondering if she had been. He shook his head. It was in character, he decided, but it brought him no closer to understanding.

" The problem, " Doug said with a chuckle, " is that Kerry did fall apart. Don't look at me that way, I'm not being critical. I'm not saying that it wasn't justified or that there weren't a lot of issues revolving around that contributed. She snapped pretty violently, for starters. She didn't say anything about being raped because she didn't remember at first, and by the time she did, she knew better than to say anything. You have to be careful Lucy. You have an excuse, in everyone's mind, to spend your life wallowing. So does Kerry. Technically we all do, but as a group..."

" They'd let me wallow." Luka could almost see the irritated look on Lucy's face.

" You might want try drugs of some sort. The positions of town drunk and town crazy have already been filled." 

There was a long pause. Luka almost made his presence known then. Doug had been trying, he suspected, to be funny. It had fallen flat. I might as well rescue him, he thought. Lucy's voice chimed in just as he started to shift his body. " No, not drugs. I was thinking of more behavioral disorders for the group. Like maybe becoming a nymphomaniac with bisexual tendencies. You know, overcompensating. I think I'll start with Randi. Then Carter. Then maybe Randi and Carter."

Another long pause. Then Luka heard a burst of laughter. He almost started laughing himself, it was that funny. For a moment, he could actually imagine it, right down to the annoyed look on Randi's face. It was funny.

" Maybe we should go check on Luka, " Lucy said after her laughter died off. " He might be awake. He's not the type to start yelling if he's in agony. "

" No, " Doug said, " He's a strong silent type." He paused. " He's a good man. I didn't understand why you never seemed interested in him. Let's face it Lucy, you're not exactly overwhelmed with suitors."

" God Doug, next you'll be telling me what great breeding stock he is."

" You'd have tall, lean children. Reasonably bright kids too. I worry a little about what Randi and Carter might produce."

" Their kids would be attractive."

" But imagine if they all had Randi's attitude and Carter's clumsiness." Lucy laughed. Doug pressed on. " Think about it. A whole little flock of them tripping over their own feet and rolling their eyes."

" You should think positively." Lucy said between laughs. " They could have Randi's gracefulness and Carter's enthusiasm. Hey, what do you think the kids that Dave and Kerry would produce would look like? "

" Are they together?" Doug seemed more surprised than Luka would have suspected.

" Not yet. They will though." Lucy took on a slightly superior tone. " Maybe its just my woman's intuition talking, but they really like each other. They just seem awkward about the age thing." Luka wondered suddenly, if Lucy was saying more than she intended. She seemed to feel awkward about the age thing, but he really wondered if it was Dave and Kerry she was feeling awkward about. It occurred to him that she had never really responded to Doug's question either.

" Hmmm if Dave and Kerry had kids... I don't know, " Doug mused. " Somehow I see either a bunch of doofy acting dark haired kids that find throwing water balloons at each other the summit of entertainment or a group of angry little red headed kids plotting with some high tech plan they all made so they could get revenge on the kids throwing water balloons at them."

They both laughed. Luka struggled not to, but it was hard as Doug painted a rather apt picture. Still, he wondered what Lucy wanted. Luka had made a point early on of not chasing after the women. He had felt, at the time, that it was too likely to blow up and be a problem. Kerry had never seemed interested at all, and he was starting to understand why. Randi had blatantly flirted and that had been tempting but he had brushed her off and she had found Carter. Jeanie hadn't flirted per se but he had known that she found him attractive. Lucy had been the same but he had never sensed any interest from her. He had simply assumed that she was like him, trying to not jump into a relationship just because they were in close proximity. Lucy certainly hadn't shown much interest in Carter and hadn't really had opportunity to even talk to Dave. Yet here she was, discussing what Luka considered very intimate things with Doug Ross.

You're reading way too much into it, he told himself as he went back to the room he'd been in. She just needs someone to talk to. And Doug is sober for a change and I can't really fault that. It occurred to Luka that it might even be good for Doug to have somebody lean on him for support. Doug was right, after all, in that he had been allowed to wallow. Instead of forcing the man to help them, they had let him drink and drink. Luka himself had assumed that Doug needed time. Now he was starting to realize that what Doug needed was something to do.

He shook off his thoughts. The truth was that his head hurt immensely and he didn't really want to think any more. While Doug and Lucy were concerned, he suspected that they were a little too engrossed in their talk to check on him. That was fine though. A little communication was something their group sorely needed.

He stopped in the hallway, taking a moment to really look at the family photos. He assumed that the home was once owned by the elderly couple that figured in all of the photos. A nice looking family, he thought sadly, with almost twenty grandchildren of various ages, shapes and colors. He sighed. One of the pictures looked recent, a large gathering at picnic tables that was almost seventy people strong. It was the sort of picture that Americans cherished. Four, possibly five generations gathered for an orgy of food and good times, no doubt to be finished off by an evening filled with cheap fireworks and laughing around a fire, while the children stuffed themselves with roasted marshmallows. He hoped the picture was from that summer, that the anonymous family had that one last gathering. Suddenly, he heard a low pitched whine, followed by a loud meow.

" Shhhh... Be quiet Trixie. We don't want them to hear us." Luka's ears pricked at the sound. It was the voice of a child, a very young child. He walked down the hallway, taking great care to move silently, following the meowing of what was obviously a hungry kitten. He traced it to a small bedroom that looked like a child's room. It was very rumpled looking. The closet was closed and he could hear more meowing and scratching. He almost laughed but he didn't want to startle the child.

" Is someone in there?" he asked softly.

There was silence. " No, no one's here. Go away!" After a long moment, the closet opened. A small girl with cocoa colored skin and badly made braids in her hair glared at him. " When someone says they're not there, you're supposed to leave." A kitten snuck out from behind the girl and went to Luka, purring and rubbing itself against his feet. The little girl frowned. " Trixie, that's a stranger."

Luka knelt down and petted the kitten. " My name is Luka. Are you here all by yourself?" The little girl looked badly kept, with dirty clothes and messy hair. She also looked like one of the grandchildren in the picture.

" I'm not by myself. I have Trixie, Mart, Honey, and Jim." Luka smiled as another kitten, and two german shepherd puppies popped out of the closet. The little girl looked chagrinned. " I told you guys to stay!"

" Maybe they're lonely," Luka said easily. He sensed that the little girl was nervous and not feeling very secure with him. " I was lonely too until I found some people. I have some friends in your kitchen and we were going to make dinner. Would you like some dinner?"

" I made dinner already. I opened a can of tuna fish." She glared at him again, but seemed to relent after a moment. " Would you and your friends make me a toasted cheese sandwich? I'm not supposed to use the stove." She eyed him. " You talk funny."

" I'm not from here," he said easily. The girl was maybe eight, probably younger. " Have you been here with your puppies and kittens all summer?" He certainly thought so.

The girl nodded. " My mommy got sick so my daddy brought me here to Granpa's. Then Granpa got sick and died. I tried calling 911 like my teacher said but the phone doesn't work. Isn't Luka a girl's name? Why do you have a girl's name? Will your friends like my pets?"

" Of course they will." That was easy enough. Luka didn't know anyone that didn't like puppies and kittens. Of course, he didn't know if either Doug or Lucy had allergies, but he figured they'd deal. " What's your name?"

" It's Taris. Taris O'Brien. Granpa said I'm black Irish. Then he'd laugh. " Taris frowned. " Granpa was funny. He'd laugh all the time. Are your friends funny?"

" They have their moments." Luka said. He took her hand. " Let's see what we can find for you in the kitchen."


End file.
